Having Trouble Dealing With The Loss Of My Cat

Hello,

My name is Lana. I'm a 20-year-old student living in her mother's home.

On April 12th, my cat of 14 years passed away. She suddenly threw a blood clot one night, paralyzing her back legs, and because of the lateness of the hour there was no vet we could really take her to. We tried to make her comfortable and as safe as possible, but she was clearly frightened and in pain. We waited till morning, about 8:00 am, and took her to the vet. I wrapped her in a blanket and held her so we wouldn't have to force her into a carrier. The vet told us that the clot was the result of a very silent heart condition common in older cats. Hobbes, up until it happened, showed no symptoms or signs of distress. She was always affectionate, energetic and happy. Just like a kitten. The vet told us that there's nothing we could do to dissolve the clot and to try would only serve to torment my poor Hobbes. So we had no other choice but to put her down. It was the hardest day of my life. My birthday was four days later....

Ever since, I have gone from being hysterical, to angry, to depressed. I have questioned my sense of spirituality: I'm atheistic/agnostic, but I need to believe that she exists somewhere out there, safe and happy. It's the only way I can calm myself. I try to be happy in the face of family and friends whom I can't talk to about this, and I try to keep myself level. But sometimes it gets really hard and all I want to do is break down.

What's become especially difficult is simply being at my house. For nearly two weeks afterward I stayed with my boyfriend because being at home was too hard. But slowly I've started sleeping at home more often. It's so isolating. I feel like I'm trapped -even when I can get away for a few days I always have to come back. I feel constantly bombarded by memories and when I forget, even for a minute, I expect to see my cat, or think I hear her. And then I remember she's not there and I get really depressed again. It's terrifying. I've had trouble sleeping. The past two nights I haven't gotten to sleep until well past 6:00 am (tonight, thankfully, I'm sleeping at my boyfriend's again). I cry for what seems to be no reason when an image or memory suddenly hits me. I can be fine, and then all of a sudden, I can't stop sobbing. I wish I had the money to get my own place but I really don't yet.

One of the hardest things to deal with has been finding comfort in other people. My boyfriend was been great, really supportive. But since it happened I can't even be intimate with him beyond hugs and kisses. He's been really patient and allows me to express myself, but I can tell it's beginning to wear on him. And since he's never grieved from pet loss I think he's running out of things to say to me. Some friends have been comforting, but some have hit me with the kind of empty sentiment that someone uses when they want you to shut up. "Sh%t happens", "Don't worry, be happy", "Don't let it get to you", "Look on the bright side", etc...They don't seem to understand that I've lost my best friend, and everyday I feel more alienated and more embittered. I feel like my feelings are being belittled, and that I'm pathetic or worthless because I can't just deal with it. I feel like the world is telling me to stop whining. Worst in all this has been communication with my mother, who beyond casual fare I have always had speaking seriously with. I can barely broach the subject without bursting into tears with her. I feel like I can't show her how I feel, and the last time I told her I was feeling depressed she gave me the usual "well it isn't going to change so just get over it." I feel like everyone in my immediate family has just suppressed it or moved on and I'm left alone. I feel like I'm alienating myself from a world that wants me to move on faster than I can. And I feel isolated because I have to pretend I have while still being stuck with these memories and feelings.

I was 6 when I got my cat. I've had her almost all my life. She was my best friend, loved me unconditionally and was there for me in my darkest moments. She was a truer friend to me than many of my human friends. I feel like a little part of me has died and I simply don't know who to talk to but people who understand this feeling. I've never lost anyone or anything this close to me and I can't just forget about it. I really appreciate any support and kind words you might have and I want to express my own condolences to all of you. I understand how deep something like this cuts and I do believe that our feelings are valid and that our griefs are real.

Attached is a picture of my beautiful Hobbes.

-Lana P.