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> Home Alone For The First Time In Almost 14 Years, RIP Callie
chele
post Aug 20 2009, 06:56 AM
Post #1





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



Where do I start? I've lost Callie, she's been a huge part of my life since the first day I met her. There was a little of 12 pups, six male, six female with three black on white and three white on black of each sex. I wanted a female white on black. The first pup was too active, one pup was missing, and the other was a fat lazy pup that snoozed on the little girls lap. I wanted that pup; but when I tried to hold her the pup didn't want anything to do with me! I handed her back to the girl and then felt a little paw scratching my leg. I looked down to see Callie's little face for the first time. I knew she was my dog because she had picked me.

So many memories. Like the time when she was little and she was playing tug-of-war with my pot bellied pigs tail. Nick-the-pig just went about his business, dragging this fiercely growling puppy along with him. As often as I could she and I did "Girls Night Out" on Saturday mornings; she would go with me to all the local shops, always waiting patiently in the car (weather permitting). She loved popsicles! I even have pictures. I bought a Rhoades Car that she loved to run along with as I peddled down the street. I had a box built so she could ride along in it when she got tired.

I always called her Bossy Dog. She got me up in the morning, told me when it was time to let her out, when to let her in, when to feed her, and when she needed my attention. With those beautiful brown eyes she'd will me to take her for a walk, always smiling and flirting with me to get me to do her bidding.

She's seen me through the worst and best of times. She saw me through my divorce, we moved from Kansas to St. Paul,MN and back together. We lived in severe poverty and moved several times, but we were always together, her and I. She saw me through ****** and marrying my husband and accepted living with him and his dog. She's been here every single day when I get home from work.

She's been a loyal and constant companion and best friend for so long, there is a hole in my life and a wound in my heart to big to fill. I can't seem to stop crying. In my heart I knew there was something wrong. I thought about taking her the vet before we went on vacation, but decided having her with me was more important. I'm glad now that I did take her, at least I had those 12 days of being with her.

She had gotten very heat intolerant, and walked very very slowly. I thought it was because we were in the mountains in Colorado and the air is thinner there. She had been getting hard of hearing, but suddenly seemed almost completely deaf. She slept a lot too. She's 13 I kept telling myself, of course she's getting deaf and slow; old dogs sleep a lot. To add to her demise she had somehow managed to pull one of her toenails off on the camper steps. She never even cried about it.

About the time of the dog food scares I decided to start cooking for the dogs. Callie and my husbands dog, Skeeter, were both overweight from the constant spoiling we gave them. By fixing rice, vegies, fruit and meat for them they were able to eat a bigger quantity of food, which kept them happy, and still lose weight - which made their vet happy. About a month ago Callie started leaving her rice, then her veggies and I decided maybe I should start feeding kibble again, since it's higher in calories. I still gave her the meat, but on top of the kibble, but she still would eat her meat and only a little of the kibble.

I knew she needed to go to her vet, so when we got home from vacation I made an appointment with the vet for Monday. The vet had an emergency so I ended up taking her Tuesday morning before work and leaving her there for her testing. Kelly called me at work to deliver the news. Callie had a tumor on her spleen the size of a cantaloupe and her lab results supported cancer. There was no hope. Tears streamed down my face. I took the afternoon off and took her home with me. I spent the time doing the things she loved to do. We went out to the garden and a short walk around in the yard. I took her inside and took hundreds of pictures. I cried and told her over and over how much I loved her, even though she couldn't hear me. At five we took her to the vet. I held her head under my chin with my arms wrapped around her as the vet injected her; she never even struggled. She passed quickly and quietly and suddenly my Callie was just gone. We buried her in the back yard.

I'm not dealing with her loss very well at all. I'm not usually an emotional person but losing her has hurt me deeper than I could have even imagined. I have this crushing pain in my chest that just won't go away. For two nights now I have barely slept, waking often from the hammer blow of remembering Callie is gone. Our little family is greiving with me. My husband is doing all he can to help me through this. His dog Skeeter seems lost.

I know I did the right thing. I know there was no hope and I know it was her time to go. She was in pain. I know they don't live forever. I know I did all I could to give her a good and happy life. She was my light, my joy. She was always a happy dog with a big smile on her face and a jaunty little jig that always brought a smile to my face. I'll never ever forget her. Now I just need to figure out how to live without her. I know this is the start of only the second day without her but how many more of these days do I have to face before the pain fades?
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lynette
post Aug 20 2009, 09:18 AM
Post #2





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 363
Joined: 1-April 09
From: Fisher Branch, Manitoba Canada
Member No.: 5,667



So very sorry for your loss and what you're going through.

We've all been there. It's very hard.

I lost Lily last year June 24th very suddenly and unexpectedly. Then we found out Hunny had cancer just a few days after she left. We had to send Hunny to be with Lily April 4th. So, I know how you feel. It's very difficult and the hole they leave behind is unbearable. The aching for them is the hardest.

Nothing I can say right now will ease your pain, but please know that time does heal. You'll always miss her, but it will get easier. I can't tell you how long it will take. I'm still grieving for my angels. I have times when the pain just washes over me and totally consumes me.

This is a great place to come for comfort. I found this site just a few days before we had to let Hunny go. I wish I had found it when we lost Lily. I'm not so great at this kind of stuff, but there are some very wonderful people here who know just what to say.

All you can do is take it one day at a time.

Thinking of you.

Lynette.



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chele
post Aug 20 2009, 12:57 PM
Post #3





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



Thank you lynette. I apprechiate your kind words. I'm so sorry you've lost Lily and Hunny. The pain is unbearable, but I had to let her go, anything less would have been cruel to her and selfish of me. I'm keeping a journal, hoping it will give me the release I need.
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chele
post Aug 20 2009, 01:04 PM
Post #4





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/18/09
Maybe it will be a “Bad owner, you know you shouldn’t give your dog rawhide” then *whew* - dodged another bullet. But not this time. This time it’s the final blow, and I’m losing my Bossy Dog. It’s called Hemangiosarcoma.

She’s lost a lot of weight. It got to where all she wanted to eat was her meat, so I thought maybe I should feed her dog food again since it’s more calorie dense. I tried everything to get her to eat more, but she didn’t have much appetite. Kelly explained that it was because of the tumor, it was so large it took up too much room to leave Callie room to eat.

I think I’ve known for some time now. There’s been signs I’ve tried to ignore. She wasn’t bossy anymore: she hasn’t been getting me up in the morning, or telling me it’s time to feed her or telling me it’s time to let her out. She slept a lot, and she had lost her joy. She was always so joyful; but lately she rarely wagged her tail or seemed to love life at all. Oh, there were glimpses of the ol Bossy Dog in all her glory. It was just the other day I chased her down the hall “biting her butt” with my fingers as we played a well rehearsed game. But the games didn’t last as long anymore.

I took her to the vet last night, but the vets were all out of the office so I took her back this morning and left her there for her testing. Blood was drawn, xrays of chest and abdomin and a sono was done. Kelly called to tell me the results and I couldn’t speak, already crying, tears running down my face. I took the afternoon off and picked Callie up to bring her home for our last afternoon together. I popped her popcorn that she wouldn’t eat and made her some steak – raw, just the way she liked it. I kept cutting steak until she wouldn’t eat any more. And I took a million pictures. I always wanted to get a portrait of the two of us together, now I really regret never getting that done.

George and I took her back to the vet at 5. How fitting that the day is a dark and stormy day. The thunder rolls and the heavens cry with me.

8/19/09
I’m not coping very well at all. Callie is gone. The hole in my heart is a chasm too big to fill. I couldn’t sleep last night. Every time the thunder would wake me up it was a knife to my heart to remember Callie is gone. I finally gave up at 5am. Skeeter wanted some comfort from me, she is terrified of storms. I think she knows Callie is gone. I’m glad we took her with us and glad I let her sniff Callie before we buried her. It feels right. The horses are still out at the ranch, but I have two cats to feed and a garden to tend to. Callie’s grave is next to the garden. I cried as I walked to it and cried the whole time I was in the garden. When I headed for the house I automatically looked for Callie. She’s gone. I have to keep reminding myself that. When I took my shower there was no loyal little friend laying by the bathroom door. It used to really upset her for me to take a shower when she was a puppy. She would throw a fit, crying and scratching at the shower. She came to accept them, but I don’t think she ever really approved. Somehow I’ve got to get back to my life. I’m going to work today. I’m going to let myself come home if I can’t handle it. I just can’t seem to shake the searing pain and the tears well up and spill over before I even think about it.

George broke down after we buried Callie. I never knew he cared so much. They had a difficult time accepting each other at first. Over the years they seemed to come to an understanding.

Callie, I wish there was some way for me to tell you how much I still love you. I only hope you know how much I always loved you. Tell God “Hi” for me.

I lay on the couch, and look to see if Callie is laying on the floor next to the couch. I check the floor before I get up so I won’t step on her. I look for her to go feed the horses with me. For a split second I think “Oh, I better let Callie out” and each time my little world crashes in on me. Callie is gone. I’ll never get to rub her velvet ears again, or kiss her squishy little face or smell her doggy breath. She’s gone. She won’t tell me to get up, she won’t tell me it’s time to feed the horses, she won’t tell me it’s time to let her out, time to let her in, time to feed her, time to play. I’ll never see those eager eyes willing me to take her for a walk. And truthfully, it’s been several weeks since she’s done most if not all of these things. It was time for her to go, she knew it, and gave me enough time to realize it too. I only hope I didn’t make her suffer too long. I’m so grateful we were able to take our vacation together. The day at Buckskin Joe’s was a highlight, and one I’ll remember always.

My heart breaks for you Callie; the ache is actual physical pain. I have cried until I think I can’t cry anymore, then the tears well up and spill over again..

I sit here and pretend that everything is OK, trying to do my work, but it’s not OK. How am I supposed to get over losing her? I know, it’s part of life, but right now I just can’t accept it. I wanted her to live forever. Damned cancer.

I can’t do this, I just can’t, it hurts too bad. But I have no choice, she’s gone and there is no bringing her back, my life goes on; empty.

8/20/09
So many firsts. Yesterday was my first morning waking up to no Callie. My first shower without Callie lying by the door, waiting for me to come out, my first time going home and no Callie to greet me and the first time I’ve been home alone in nearly 14 years. George brought my horses home from the ranch last night so this morning was my first morning feeding the horses without Callie. Surely it will get easier as I get through the firsts?

Skeeter seems to be in mourning, the cats seem to know something is wrong – demanding (or offering themselves?) a lot of attention when I go outside. Much to my dismay the horses seem oblivious to my pain. Maybe I imagined a connection to them that was never actually there. George is being very supportive, but I’m so scared I’ll suck him dry and make him resent my pain. I know he knows, but he doesn’t really know how deeply I am hurting.

I got my nerve up and tried but failed to keep my composure as I asked Jon for something to make me sleep. He is so very kind and understanding that of course I was crying, and he was too, before we were done. Rocky saw I was upset too. She lost her Joker dog about a year or so ago, so her pain is still fresh too; we cried together.

I’m trying to get a grip, trying to act like my “old self” at work. They know I’m hurting, but seriously, who wants to work with a weeping and mourning person. They are used to my sarcastic wit and quick laugh. They need to see me like that so I try to be that way and sit with tears running down my face when they can’t see.

This is day two of the rest of my life without Callie. All I can do now is count the days and look forward to when the crushing pain in my chest is gone. I watched the videos I took of her Sunday, Aug 16th while we were eating supper. I wanted to show them to the vet so they would see why I took her to the vet. I never needed to show them, because they found what was wrong without the tapes. Watching them again helped a little, reassuring me that it was her time to go and to delay it any more would be cruel. I have the internet article that explains H.S.A. lying on my desk, along with the note I scribbled while the vet was telling me the testing results. I keep these there so I can keep reassuring myself I had to do what I did because I loved her too much to make her suffer needlessly just because I’m too weak to let her go.

I think what bothers me most is there is no real closure. Nobody knows. When people die, there is a notification in the paper, the funeral is planned and attended, and people know you are in a fragile place and help you through. Callie was buried in the yard as if a victim of a crime that must be hidden. Even the people that know don’t really know how to react. I want to tell them to react as if I just lost my 13 y/o child, but amazingly, people find that type of comment offensive. As IF a dog could ever count as much as a child. I want to SCREAM, OH YES SHE DOES COUNT AT LEAST AS MUCH AS A CHILD. But I have to suffer in silence because I refuse to take a chance that someone will say something insensitive and force me to slap the crap out of them.

I can’t stop thinking about her, I want to talk about her, keep her alive in my day and in my memory. I’ll never forget her, but it’s more than that. I want her to stay significant. She meant so much to me, yet meant nothing to anyone else; it’s just hard to grasp. Her little life was meaningful, damn it! I want everyone to know that! And so, I mourn alone, feeling more lonely that ever before in my life even though George is doing the best he can to be loving and supporting. Oh God, please help the hurt to go away.

I came home for my lunch break. Not because I want to be home, but because I really don’t want to do anything else. My heart quickened with gladness – Callie! And a split second later I remembered – no Callie, she’s gone.
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lynette
post Aug 20 2009, 02:46 PM
Post #5





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 363
Joined: 1-April 09
From: Fisher Branch, Manitoba Canada
Member No.: 5,667



Hi again.

I know all too well what you're feeling. Your words explain everything I've been through. I wish there was a way to take away the hurt sometimes, but then sometimes, I think if I could do that then their lives wouldn't have meant anything. To me my babies meant the world to me. Just like you I treated them like my kids.

When Hunny died I made up little memorial cards and mailed them to her vets. It had her picture on the front, a poem and a little eulogy inside and on the back just a little message, telling her I miss her and that I'll see her again. I mailed them with a little thank you note to each of the vets she saw.

The vet we took Hunny to last year took one look at her and said "that's a tumour, she's old, what do you want to do?". We should have left right then and took her to another vet, but we stayed and asked her to do something. She ran tests. The first one to see if she could tolerate the drugs she would need for an operation. I was so mad when she said she was old - she was only 7 1/2!!! Eventually, Hunny had two toes amputated but the vet wasn't able to get all of the cancer cells. I spent two months bandaging her foot and wrapping it up in ziploc bags cos it was so wet last year. Hunny loved to walk through every puddle or ditch. She was doing well until she started limping at Christmastime. It was back! We knew there was nothing more we could do for her. If she'd been a candidate, her only option would have been to have her whole leg amputated. That was something I would never do. I wasn't about to start cutting pieces off of her. Two toes was enough. She was tough, but I think she knew her time was coming to an end. I think me crying all the time didn't help. But maybe Lily came to visit her now and then. Maybe Lily was calling her home. I don't know.

Anyway, we took Hunny to a different vet the beginning of March. I knew there was nothing we could do, but I just couldn't let her go without a second opinion. This time it had spread though. It was in her lymph nodes. She had a huge mass on her chest too. The vet wanted to put her to sleep then and there, but we took her home. She was on pain killers for a month. I never knew if she was in pain or not. She had arthritis too. But the painkillers seemed to help. She was getting around much easier. But after a few weeks, I cut back the pills (just to make them stretch a bit farther, mean I know), and she started coughing and started this obcessive licking. She licked whatever she was laying on and sometimes her foot. I felt so bad. What kind of mother does this? So, I upped her pills again. The coughing stopped, but not the licking.

I hugged her so much. I kissed her all the time. I even told her that Lily was waiting for her and that if she was ready she could go. I hoped so much that she would pass away in her sleep, but she didn't. We had to make that dreadful call.

Hunny was so brave. I think she held on just for us and our other pups. She didn't want to leave them. I think she wanted to see them grow up.

After she was gone, it felt like she was just outside, but then I would remember that she wasn't. I think I cried more tears for her before she left than afterwards. Because like you, I just couldn't keep her for me. I knew she would really start to suffer. My husband found a lump on the back of her neck a few days before she joined Lily. So, it was surely only a matter of time till it spread to her brain. I've watched a dog suffer from cancer before and I was not going to let Hunny go through that. Hunny was a very proud dog. She was very smart, very obedient, but always had to have the last word.

So we let her go before it got too bad. But looking back at the photos of her I can see the pain or sadness in her eyes. I don't know what it was, probably both pain and sadness.

For a while afterwards I wondered if we could have waited longer before we sent her to Lily. I know in my heart we did the right thing, but it took a while to accept. I find peace in knowing (or hoping) that's she with Lily now. Hunny mourned for Lily. Watching a dog grieve is really hard too. I need Lily and Hunny to be together.

Lily's death was really hard to accept because there was no warning. It happened to suddenly. We're not sure what happened exactly - whether she choked or swallowed a bee or???? We'll never know I guess. Lily is buried in our back yard. The ground was still frozen when Hunny died so we had her cremated. I still have her ashes in my living room. I just can't seem to bury them next to Lily yet. I wish we'd had Lily cremated. Then if we ever move, they can come with us. But I feel like I'm disrespecting Lily by not burying Hunny next to her.

When I look off into the distance I can see them both walking along the ditch side by side. That brings a smile to my face. They both loved to go for walks to my parents next door. They would go by themselves. We live in the country so it was safe for them.

Anyway, sorry to ramble.

Your pain will ease. Just give it time. Lily's been gone for over a year now and I still cry for her. Not as much as I did because I hope that she's with Hunny. Hunny was the protector of the family. I think that's another reason she wasn't ready to go yet - she had to stay and protect the pups.

You'll go through all the phases of grief, but you'll get there one day. For now, just grieve because I'm sure you're not ready to let her go yet. For me, not thinking about them felt like I was forgetting them.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Trust me it does get easier. Just takes time.

Lynette.
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trevor
post Aug 20 2009, 04:11 PM
Post #6





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 56
Joined: 31-July 09
Member No.: 5,997



Chele, I'm so sorry about Callie from what you've described she sounds like a great dog. When I was reading your story it reminded me a lot of my situation with my dog Keesha who i lost 7 weeks ago. Everything from how you chose her from the litter, to the color, to the years you had with her(Keesha was13), being by your side through a divorce, to seeing her end up dying of cancer when shortly beforehand you had no idea anything serious was wrong. Looking back on it now Keesha lost some of her appetite, got tired quicker on walks and slept a lot more but like you I chalked these things up to her getting up in age. Come to find out she had bone cancer. One minute she's fine, the next she breaks her leg and goes in for what I thought was a routine surgery only to find out she had a large tumor on her leg and it started eating a hole through it causing the break. The vet said it most likely has spread to her chest and lungs and recommended euthenizing her then while she was already under that way she'd go out peacefully. as much as i hated to that's what i decided to do.

Fortunately for you you were able to be with Callie right to the end. I wasn't able to be with keesha or able to say good-bye which eats at me to this day. Trust me the pain will go away little by little. It just take time... The first two weeks for me were the worst weeks of my life. I couldn't eat, sleep and I didn'want to be around anyone. i didn't think the immense pain would ever go away but after a couple weeks it will subside. It still hurts and you'll still miss her everyday but it will get easier. Take care.
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Harley Parley
post Aug 20 2009, 04:18 PM
Post #7





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 47
Joined: 27-July 09
Member No.: 5,982



Hi Chele,

I know what you are feeling. I lost my Harley Parley a little over a month ago and it still hurts like hell sometimes. The first few days I could not sleep at all, and to this day little memories pop into my head and I cry a little and wish he was still here. The little guys just get so attached to your heart and become such a big part of your life that you just think they'll be there forever.

Unfortunately, they don't and when they leave, it makes life suck, bigtime. Life has not been the same for me since Harley died, and right now I just can't function at 100% in anything I do. It has been so tough and people have been kind to me but the reality is I would just like some time to myself, so I can lie still, be quiet, and just rest my body and soul. Maybe I need to go to my dogs fave trail and lay down on the ground for awhile.

Thank you for listening. I find just writing these thoughts help me out tremendously.

Peace & Love
Ben
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honey's dad
post Aug 20 2009, 04:39 PM
Post #8





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 19
Joined: 1-August 09
From: new york
Member No.: 6,001



Chele , I am so sorry for your loss, i think you have wrote the same feelings and thoughts that we all share. I know Callie was a great companion and cant be replaced. Please come here to find support or just share your thoughts, this board has helped me with lossing my Honey, some days are better than others, routeins broken, that reliance missing, it will get better, just let your heart lead you thru. so sorry Scott
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chele
post Aug 20 2009, 06:39 PM
Post #9





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



lynette I think you are right, the pain does validate their little lives. I know the pain I feel now will not last nearly as long as the joy I felt while Callie was alive. She is, honestly, the most significant love I have ever lost in my life. I've lost Grandparents and an Uncle, but they were so distant. While I loved them, my life did not evolve around them so it was easier to lose them; so much easier. I've lost other pets too; too many, really - but Callie was an "only dog". Before I always had numerous dogs to help diffuse the pain of losing one.

I like the idea of sending a Thank You card. I don't think Kelly was expecting me to fall apart like I did. I'm usually a reserved person, not given to crying. Before Callie died I think only a handful of people had ever seen me cry. Now everyone has, I can't seem to stop. Maybe seending her a card would make her feel a bit better.

I can't believe your vet told you Hunny was old! Good grief! Some vets are not very sensitive to the love people have for thier pets.

I too prayed that Callie would pass in her sleep and spare me having to make the decision to end her life. We weren't that lucky either. Man, it's so hard!

I tried pain killers on Callie too but they had no effect at all. When I look at the pictures of her from her last day I can see the pain in her eyes too.

She had had a facial swelling about a year ago. At first her vet thought it was not a bad tooth, but we tried antibiotics and the swelling went down. A month later it came back. This time Kelly went ahead and pulled the upper teeth below the swelling. The swelling went away and stayed away. I kind of wonder if it was cancer then too, could it have accidently responded to the wrong treatment? I wasn't up to having an autopsy on Callie to find out how bad the cancer had spread. Half of me didn't want to have her little body desecrated, the other half is/was terrified we'd find she didn't have to die after all. Despite everything I'm having a hard time with the second guessing.

Trevor, Callie was a great dog and a great best friend. I'm so sorry you lost Keesha. Try not to worry too much about not being able to be with her at the end. I'm sure Keesha just thought she would wake up and you'd come get her, just like always and went under without a fear in the world.
I too am having a hard time sleeping and I'm too sick to my stomach to eat much. I choked down a meal at lunch today, not sure if it would stay down or not. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, knowing it took you two weeks to get over the immense pain makes me feel so much better about my own pain - that it's expected, or something, you know?

Harley Parley I'm so sorry you lost Harley Parley. I'm just the opposite; being home alone would kill me. I've had a few irrational thoughts that makes me sure I shouldn't be alone at home right now. I too am not functioning at 100%; just doing enough to get through my day at work. Luckily my boss is very understanding. I had warned her many times over the years that I would be non-functional if I ever lost Callie, so she doesn't have high expectations of my performance right now. And you just couldn't have said it any better - yes, it SUCKS!

Honey's Dad, Thank you for your words of support. I'm so sorry you lost your Honey dog. What a shame we've all met under these circumstances. I am so glad I found this board. I'm not ready to stop talking about Callie and my loss, but the people around me seem to have stopped listening.

Redefining myself will be the hardest. It's been "Callie and I" for so long. Everything I did, she was considered, whether it was deciding if I should run home and get Callie to go to the store with me after work or making vacation plans, everything evolved around including her in my life and her needs. When I was single I always took her with me when I had to "go to town" (50 miles away) to shop for things I can't get here in the small town I live in. I took her because I was afraid I would die in a wreck and leave her alone, I'd rather we died together. When hubby and I first married we would take our dogs to the ranch (hubby and his Dad are partners in a cow/calf operation). We laughingly called it "Camp Grandpa" and the dogs LOVED going there for the few days we'd be away. As Callie aged I no longer wanted to leave her at the ranch; I missed her too much when I was gone, and worried about her in her advanced age. Scared she may jump into a stock tank to cool off (she LOVED that!) and not be able to get out. Or get lost, or kicked or - well - I just couldn't do it any more. So, hubby and I bought a little camper so we could vacation as a family!! Well, I guess I'm ramblin' on 'bout nuthin', but you probably get the idea just how much Callie was part of my life! Now it's just "me", no Callie any more. Dang that changes everything! So much to get used to, especially when it hurts so badly.
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petmum
post Aug 20 2009, 06:40 PM
Post #10





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 318
Joined: 7-June 09
From: Sydney Australia
Member No.: 5,842



Dear Chele {{{HUGS}}},
I know how you feel, & though you might find this hard to believe you will survive. How do I know? Because I'm still alive after having my 14yr old Buddy put to sleep bout 2.5months ago.
These first few days are just awful!!!!!!! What you have described is exactly what i felt, especially the chest pain. BREATHE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! BREATHE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! breathe out again, I had to conciously remind myself to breathe, stupid I know, but i was holding my breathe trying to get thru the pain (both physical & emotional) of my loss.
As Honey's dad says come here & share with us, we know & share your pain & we care very much that you & your family are hurting right now.
you are in my prayers.
elaine xx
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chele
post Aug 20 2009, 06:50 PM
Post #11





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



Thank you petmum! I'm so sorry you lost your Buddy. I keep saying that, and to me the words sound hollow, but believe me that I say them from my heart. It's so hard going through my day with people that just don't really get it. What a relief to find this site and find understanding and acceptance. Thank you for your prayers, I'll say a few for you too.
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chele
post Aug 21 2009, 08:18 AM
Post #12





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/21/09
Today is the third day of the rest of my life without Callie. Little things catch me by surprise and the pain crashes in. Today it was the weather report. My concern was always was it too hot to let Callie stay outside while I’m at work? Oh how she loved to stay outside! But this past year or so she wasn’t heat tolerant at all. I guess I know why now. I’d leave her in the house, with her fan on her waterbed so she could be comfortable.

I was able to talk about her passing to a friend last night without crying. I didn’t feel guilty, no – instead I was very happy! I’m moving on to embracing the joy of loving her and letting the pain ease a bit. I have to, I can’t go on like this, barely able to breath, my heart pounding, and tears streaming down my face. Callie wouldn’t even recognize me like this! I keep wishing she was here to help me through this, then I realize SHE IS!! She is in my heart. I’m talking to her now. I don’t care if that seems crazy or not. This morning I called to her to tell her it was time to feed the horses. Odd, it used to be her that told me, but the past few weeks she hadn’t. I’m so thankful I let her go before her suffering got too severe. Oh how I wanted to try the heroic surgery and find a miracle, but she meant more to me than that. She would have stoically bore the pain, for my sake. Thank God for the strength to let her go. I love you Callie, now and for always. I copied all your pics onto a CD so that I’ll never lose you. And I found more in other files! I was so happy to see them and of course I cried some too. The time I had the camera with me at the ranch, so many pictures. Oh how you loved the ranch. I took pictures of your sleepy little face on the way home. You were trying so hard to stay awake; you refused to lay down, but your little eyes kept closing. So so cute. So many times you fell asleep on my lap on our way home, how I treasured being able to hold you. It was my favorite part of going to the ranch. You were never one for cuddling, but in the front seat of the truck you would sit on my lap, I could hug you for hours and you didn’t mind. I loved doing that. When you started going deaf you started letting me love on you more too, I think it was because you could no longer hear the love in my voice. I’ve cried a million tears for you Callie, these past few days, but I’m finding strength to go on in the memories of our life together. Thank you for all you’ve been to me, I love you.
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chele
post Aug 22 2009, 05:36 AM
Post #13





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/22/09
Today is the fourth day of the rest of my life without Callie. Heartbreak is so exhausting. I was so tired when I went to bed that I thought I could do it without the Ambien. I’m scared to death I’ll get hooked on them. Big mistake, I kept waking up and was finally up for good by 4 a.m. Maybe today I will be able to get a nap.

I’m going to try and put together a Memorial CD for Callie. Focusing on that has helped so much. I can immortalize her and immerse myself in her memory – torturous and therapeutic at the same time! I’ve been listening to the radio, hoping to hear songs to use on the CD. There are so many! Her epitath will read “Thank you for being my friend”, so I thought I’d like to use that song on the CD. There is a song by the Supremes, I think, called “Baby Love”. I used to always sing it to Callie, but I used the words “Callie dog, oh Callie dog, I love you need you Callie dog”. She’d look up at me with a smile on her face, her bright eyes shinning and wagging her tail – totally forgiving my horrid voice.

I had one of those rare flashes of insight yesterday. I’ve been so wrapped up in my pain I had failed to consider George’s. Callie was my dog years before George and I got together. They did not exactly hit it off at first, but over the years they built a relationship, especially towards the end. When I got home from work George was already home, going through the mail. He asked me how I was “gettin’ along” and it hit me – I’ve not ever asked him! I’ve assumed all the pain was mine! So I asked him how HE was doing. I told him I had been so wrapped up in my own pain that I had forgotten to consider his. I’m so thankful I asked. Now instead of me being insulated by my layer of pain, we are sharing together – as it should be. He thought he had to be strong. Strong is way over-rated I think. We had a long talk and I feel so much less alone in my grief now.
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trevor
post Aug 22 2009, 11:32 AM
Post #14





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 56
Joined: 31-July 09
Member No.: 5,997



Chele, its good that you and your husband talked. He is probably very upset about Callie and was just trying to be strong for you. I got a little upset at my wife a couple weeks ago because I thought she was over Keesha already. Like you I had Keesha a few years before we got together so Keesha was more "my dog". My wife was very upset the first couple days but then seemed to be doing ok. I called her on it and she told me she misses Keesha awful and was just trying to be strong for me. We had a good talk about it and things are good now that I know where she stands.

You probably haven't even thought about it yet but have you considered getting another dog? I know you still have Skeeter who will help you through this process. I got a puppy about three weeks after Keesha passed and I felt extremely guilty about it at first. I needed to do something to help fill that void though. She's not replacing Keesha because she can't be replaced as you won't replace Callie but she has been a big help. At first i found myself comparing her to Keesh in a negative fashion(Keesha would never do that,etc...) but now I compare them positively and she has her own place in my heart. I'm amazed at how quickly I could open my heart up to another dog. Its probably too early right now but getting another dog might be something you seriously consider down the road. You'll be shocked at how quickly another one will grow on you and you will learn to love.

Its a long painful process but it will get better. Take care!
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chele
post Aug 22 2009, 01:00 PM
Post #15





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



Trevor, yes, I will get another dog. It's too soon right now, but when the time is ready hubby and Skeeter and I will choose another dog. Since Skeeter will be impacted the most by a new dog, I want to be sure she will accept one before I bring one into our little family. I've always had dogs - usually had a "zoo" of assorted critters, so there is no way I would go through the rest of my life without one! But this time I want the dog to be OUR dog, not mine. Having barely gotten to the point of breathing right now, I'm already imagining how awful it's going to be when we lose Skeeter. She is only 10 now, but I want to plan ahead a little I guess.
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chele
post Aug 23 2009, 06:02 AM
Post #16





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/23/09
This is the fifth day of the rest of my life without Callie. I wake up with Callie on my mind; I can’t stop the memories, the questions, the sadness. There is a song “I want my life back” that keeps running through my mind, except the words are “I want my dog back”. I had another song torturing me yesterday too, but Thankfully I don’t remember what it was this morning. Callie girl, you’re a good girl, but this getting me up at 4 a.m. has got to cease!

Looking back over the past year or so I think I’m coming to realize that you knew, and you didn’t tell me. You knew if you did tell me then I’d take you to the vet. You hated going to the vet. It got to where I had to leave so the vets could work on you because if I stayed you’d try to climb into my arms in a panic, wanting me to take you out of there. Was it because you didn’t want me to know? You knew how much I loved you and you knew I’d do my best to never let you suffer, but you weren’t ready to go yet, so you suffered in silence. Thank you for giving me so much time with you.

Timeline:
I have a video I took of you and I playing 5/27/08. You were so happy, hysterically happy, as I teased you with a chew bone. Jumping, barking (oh how I wish I had the sound!!) and being you’re usual Laughing Girl self. You suddenly quit playing. It wasn’t until later when I watched the video that I saw why. You had some kind of weird cramping or seizure. When it was over you walked off as if nothing had happened. When I asked your vet she said it could have been a pinch in something in your back.

Aug 7, 2008 you got a swelling under your right eye and along the top/side of your muzzle. Xrays ruled out an infected tooth. We put you on anti-biotics to see if they would work.
The pictures I took on Sep 29, 2008 show the symmetry is back to your face, your lump was gone. The antibiotics had work! So relieved, so glad, because the fear was that if the antibiotics didn’t work, it could be cancer.
Oct 19, 2008, the swelling is back. My vet doesn’t have a dental xray machine, maybe they can’t see the abscess when they take xrays. The teeth are pulled in the affected area and I hold my breath. The swelling never returned. You went on to a full recovery, right back to your obnoxious bossy dog self, almost as if in a vengeance!
I mean, you got so bossy you were hard to live with! But I had made promises, that if you were spared, I was going to take you for walks every day and spend all the time I could with you. We tried. But you kept cramping on your walks. You’d start out like your usually bouncy self, then slow down and act like you were cramping. Back pain, I think – that’s what your vet had thought, right? So we’d take short walks and then we quit taking walks. It got too hot to take you for a walk, you just couldn’t tolerate heat any more. Your panting was nearly constant. I turned the AC down far enough I had to use a blanket while laying on the couch. I bought you a Cool Bed which really helped. This summer I put a fan on the floor to blow on you while you were on your Cool Bed. It seemed to be the only place you were really comfortable. We took the Cool Bed and fan with us on vacation too, to be sure you were comfortable. You’d always come get me when you were too hot, “help me Mommy” your eyes would plead and I’d turn your fan on for you, and you’d be fine. I think I knew there was something wrong. Your liver enzymes were off, so we started you on Denosyl. On one visit you were anemic, but the next you were fine. I have to wonder now if it was because your tumor had bled. I think when I put all the pieces together it all adds up to you having cancer for this past year. I think you were right to hide it from me, because if I’d known I would have chosen surgery and chemo which would have made the last of your life miserable. Or I would have chosen euthanasia, and been robbed of this past year – a year full of love and precious memories. I think you just wanted to be with me as long as you could, and I felt the same baby. I love you Callie.
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chele
post Aug 24 2009, 05:36 AM
Post #17





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/24/09
Today is the 6th day of the rest of my life without Callie.

Oh my little girl. I miss you so much. I’m still doing the same things I’ve always done, but now I do them alone. I’m on the computer alone, instead of having you lay on the floor next to me. I feed the horses alone instead of having you help me. I think you must have said something to Spook though, because that crazy cat has been taking your place when I go to the garden! You were always a part of everything I’ve done; what a huge gaping hole. I’m crying less now and smiling more at the memories you and I share. I updated the post about your facial swelling and was so very shocked to see the date was Aug 18,2008! I had you put to sleep on Aug 18, 2009! I think I finally understand how God answered my prayers and granted me more time with you and how you helped him by hiding your illness. I thank you both for that, because it gave us so many more months together!

Your Daddy cared so deeply for you, deeper than I ever knew; but you knew, didn’t you! Your shinning eyes would gaze at him lovingly with your little tail wagging, just waiting for him to notice you. He noticed you baby, believe me, he noticed you.

Yesterday we talked about getting another dog. I used to always look at petfinders even though I knew I could never divide my love between you and another dog. I knew it would hurt you; so I just looked. I was doing that yesterday when I got such a big shock. A dog with a back end that is nearly identical to yours! The same tail and curly hair! His face was different though, and of course he could never be you.

We may go to the shelter next weekend, just to see. I want YOU back baby, but that's not going to happen, so we'll go look and see if our hearts are healed enough to consider another dog. She won't replace you Callie, you have your own permanent place in my heart, she will have a new place in my heart. I have so much love to give, and so many dogs need homes. You know what it's like to be my dog! Don't you think some poor shelter dog deserves to live like you did?

You were an incredible, happy, bouncy, bossy, pain in the butt (but I loved you for it) dog that was truly a treasure and I'm so glad I got to share my life with you for so long. I wish it could have been forever. I love you baby, I always will.
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chele
post Aug 25 2009, 05:30 AM
Post #18





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



8/25/09
Today is the 7th day of the rest of my life without Callie. The crushing pain in my chest has subsided. I’m able to breathe. Now I feel empty. All that is left is the sadness and the loneliness. I don’t know when I’ll stop crying, maybe never, but at least I’m getting to where I can remember her without the pain of losing her overshadowing her memory. I’m grateful to be to this point, because I WANT to remember her! There are millions of good memories to replay and enjoy.

I woke up at 4 am again, but I forced myself to stay in bed until 5. I used to do that when Callie was still alive too, because if I got up early one morning, she thought I should get up at that time from then on and would re-set her internal clock to be sure to get me up! Poor Skeeter never learned to speak for herself, she let Callie do all the talking. I’ve forgotten to feed Skeeter on time and forgotten to let her out. Luckily Callie’s memory (or angel?) interceded on Skeeter’s behalf. We’re getting better, George and I, at remembering to do things without Callie telling us.

We’ve talked of getting another dog because there is such a huge hole in our little family. I’ve looked at ads and carefully considered what I would like to have in my next dog. Callie was so easy to live with! In her entire life she never chewed anything that wasn’t hers to chew. She was silly and calm, loving and snotty, playful and lazy, and so secure in her knowledge of my love for her. I don’t want a clingy dog, I don’t want a timid dog. I don’t want a mindlessly happy dog, and I don’t want a sulking dog. I want a dog that is happy to be with me that won’t run off if I let her off the leash. I want a dog that will look me in the eye. I want a dog that isn’t afraid to tell me what she thinks but knows I’m alpha. *sigh* I want Callie. So I know it’s still too early to bring another dog home.
I love you Callie.
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petmum
post Aug 25 2009, 11:28 PM
Post #19





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 318
Joined: 7-June 09
From: Sydney Australia
Member No.: 5,842



Chele your next companion is out there & will find you, I also believe that your beloved Callie will have a paw in sorting out who will come in to your lives next.
How do I know?
Because that's what happend to me, my beloved Buddy put us in touch with Jesse James who lives with us know. I remember saying things just like you have & ending with the "I just want my Buddy back" and well the rest is sleeping right @ my feet as I type this to you.
You are so wonderful to want to share your heart with another companion, your Callie will take care of this for you.
Let us know how you are going.
elaine xx
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chele
post Aug 26 2009, 06:25 AM
Post #20





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 105
Joined: 19-August 09
From: Kansas
Member No.: 6,044



Today is the 8th day of the rest of my life without Callie. I’m at peace now, for the most part. Callie is gone, never to be forgotten. It hurts less now, I cry less now. Callie taught me so much while she was alive, but her death taught me more.

Thank you petmum! I have told Callie over and over to come back to me, or to give me a sign that she has sent a new dog to me. Of course, I also told her to quit getting me up at 4 a.m. and she didn't listen to that all that well! Actually, I am now waking at 4 but dozing until after 5 so maybe she compromised with me? I would like to sleep until 7, if maybe you could have your Buddy tell her for me? *smile*
I really am looking forward to the new relationship and having a new friend! And then I look around at all the work I'm going to have to do to secure my tack and stuff from a chewing dog and groan! Life goes on, the best we can do is learn from our lessons in life.
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