She Got Lost And I Know She Could Not Survive Options

[Elena]

I am so, so terribly sad.

Almost almost 2 years ago, I adopted a disabled bird. She was a parakeet with a beak malformation, and would not have survived if I had not taken care of her, of her beak and prepared her food especially for her (she couldn't eat normally).

I went through awful times in which I was emotionally and physically abused by my then-husband. I was so emotionally hurt that I had fell into a deep depression. I felt and was lonely, and contemplated suicide many times. I was under medical treatment, and still, I can honestly say that if it weren't that I knew that if I died no one would take care of my bird and that she would die, that I was able, more than once, to refrain myself from jumping off the balcony. This bird and I were so close and she was the sunshine of my life.

I was recovering from the separation and breakup of this abusive relationship when, one day, she unintentionally escaped and got lost. She never could find the way back home. I looked for her for days and days, could not resign myself to the idea that I had lost her, so I never really cried for her, even though I was hurting so bad.
About two months ago, I stopped the medication. As a consequence, feelings and losses that I had not dealt with because the medication was numbing me, ina way, came back and only now I am realizing that I really lost her. She will never come back, and the worst part is not that she died, but the fact that since she was disabled, she likely not only felt lost out there, but also suffered and starved to death. It breaks my heart so much and I feel so guilty that I was not there the morning she escaped, or lese I would have watched her and nothing would have happened. I feel such a grief, such a pain and I am obsessed over her, and I can't help but think of her all the time and not find any consolation, not on her death, but on the way it happened. I simply seem not able to overcome it.

It is weird because I have overcome the death of many loved ones, a rape, emotional abuse, a divorce, family struggles and real poverty... yet, this is what tears my heart the most and while I am not suicidal, I live in pain and have no joy of life. It all is just too painful. If she only had died in my hands, like with other pets I had, I would have been able to overcome this. But she was so special, and disabled, and suffered so much, she, precisely she, who basically saved ME when I was at my lowest. And I was not there when she got lost and suffered. I feel so bad, so bad, I cry myself to sleep every night, I can't find any consolation. If I only could have any certainty that she died with no pain, that she didn't suffer, that I could not have done anything differently, that she really, really felt ok all the time, that she was not aware of getting lost, that she never got the chance to feel any pain. If I only could know that and find peace in my heart. I have other birds that I adore, simply adore, but nothing can replace this void I feel and that I don't seem to be able to cope with, given the cir%%stances in which I can imagine she died, and especially given our history together.

Can you help me someow? I don't know what to do, who to turn to. I can't pay any counseling or help of any kind, I am too poor -really- right now, and beside people just don't understand the bond I had with that bird. I was never able to cry for her in front of others because my family accused me of blaming them for her loss, etc etc. Either way, I am grieving now, but so badly, and I feel I am losing control because of all the pain inside.

[SJ J & S]

I would say that what you are feeling at the moment is grief, pills, alcohol, drugs all they do is postpone the pain, sometime or other you have to deal with your feelings no matter how much it hurts, the pain has to come out.

I would say that the void you are feeling is because now you have no one to look after but you, and you are a worthwhile person to look after, your caring, loving and kind, if you weren’t you wouldn’t be feeling the grief you are feeling at the moment.

Hundreds of birds escape every day and hundreds of birds land in someone’s garden and are taken in and given a home. I too lost a dove for no other reason than my own carelessness, I didn’t shut the outer aviary door before opening the inner one and out she flew. I must say that at first it was lovely to see her having her freedom to fly from one tree to the next and then to the top of the roof, but then she was gone off into the big wide world to meet her destiny.

Its not easy to love yourself, especially when the only treatment you have had from others is abuse, look into your heart and the kindness you have shown others and the love you have given to others and know that you are worthy of your own love.

Clear a room from anything that can be damaged and kick and scream and shout and punch the air, please do something to get out the negativity and then look in a mirror and no matter how hard it is say to yourself I LOVE YOU and mean it.

We all here on Lightning Strike love you if only for your love of a poor disabled little bird, that in itself is reason for you to love yourself.

Please come back and pour your heart out on this site, you wont be the first and you wont be the last.

Love Sue

[LS Support]

About two months ago, I stopped the medication

as a daily med user myself, my most emphatic suggestion is that you go back on your meds. trigger
events such as this often send me spiraling into other focuses that i would rather not tackle all
at once, so in my case i know the meds would be critical.

I was not there when she got lost and suffered

yet you were there when she was first found and then cared for. you are a good friend to
her and had absolutely no control over not being there.

If I only could have any certainty that she died with no pain, that she didn't suffer, that I could not have done anything differently, that she really, really felt ok all the time, that she was not aware of getting lost, that she never got the chance to feel any pain. If I only could know that and find peace in my heart.

sad to say, but this is more than likely an impossibility. if you can take peace in your heart knowing
that you were there when she needed you, that she had a fuller life than she would have if she
had not been originally discovered by you, that you had no control over the situation, and that
perhaps she was found by another compassionate soul, then thats a goal to reach.

I don't seem to be able to cope with, given the cir%%stances in which I can imagine she died, and especially given our history together.

your history is the bright spot here, cherish the memories. imagination is your demon, as it often creates
scenarios exponentially worse than what actually happened. from my own experience, it is best to refocus
energies (its exhausting, isnt it?) by remembering her and the times you spent together. because memories
are what you have.

[Elena]

Thank you, Sue, you have no idea of how comforting your words are to me!

[Elena]

as a daily med user myself, my most emphatic suggestion is that you go back on your meds. trigger
events such as this often send me spiraling into other focuses that i would rather not tackle all
at once, so in my case i know the meds would be critical.



yet you were there when she was first found and then cared for. you are a good friend to
her and had absolutely no control over not being there.



sad to say, but this is more than likely an impossibility. if you can take peace in your heart knowing
that you were there when she needed you, that she had a fuller life than she would have if she
had not been originally discovered by you, that you had no control over the situation, and that
perhaps she was found by another compassionate soul, then thats a goal to reach.



your history is the bright spot here, cherish the memories. imagination is your demon, as it often creates
scenarios exponentially worse than what actually happened. from my own experience, it is best to refocus
energies (its exhausting, isnt it?) by remembering her and the times you spent together. because memories
are what you have.

Administrator, that was wonderful advice. Really!
I will see a counselor (if he agrees to see me for free, I am keeping my fingers crossed) and ask him if he thinks I should go back on the medication. Last time he was against it, but who knows later?
Great advice... the comments about focusing on how she lived a better life because I had been there for her when I found her and cared for her comforted me.
Thanks!

[LS Support]

excellent

dunno why your counselor wouldnt want you back on meds tho. unless your situation is
very unique in some way, you might want to try another counselor

[LittleGirl's...]

Elena,
I sent you an email last night. I hope you got it.
Much love,
Little Girl's Mommy, Kathy