How Am I Supposed To Cope With This?

I apologize ahead of time for the length of my post but I really have to vent.

It has been one week to the day that I have seen Eloise. This time last week, Eloise was sleeping with me, as she always does. Half pushing me off the bed and not even caring to move even when almost rolling right over her to move myself around. She waited for me to wake up and get out of bed, again just as she always does. So it was just another day. Early in the afternoon the door was open at one point and she slipped out. Eloise is an indoor/outdoor cat and mainly likes to hang around my front or backyard just lounging in the sun on the grass or on the driveway. She has hopped some fences before and has ventured off, but only for a few hours. I became concerned as early as the same day when she still hadnt returned. It wasnt like her to not make an appearance at all during the day. I called to her most of the night but never heard or saw her. When I woke up friday morning around 5:30 I insinctively looked to my side and saw/felt she wasnt there. I started crying instantly because she hadnt been back. I threw my sneakers on and walked around the neighborhood calling to her..but nothing.

I just keep replaying last Thursday over and over again wondering what on earth could have happened. I know Eloise's personality and tendencies and am trying to think of likely scenerios. She is very skittish around strangers and HATES loud noises/voices or exessive activity so I'm not *that* worried about her venturing off to a busy road, near a construction site, or approaching other people. The most likely scenerios I can think of are that she was hurt somehow and crawled off somewhere or is stuck somewhere. The thing is, Eloise is VERY vocal. If she sees a cat she doesnt like, she screams and hisses like nobodies business. Her voice really carries. The day she went missing I was in and out of my house the whole day. When I was in the house all of my windows were open and I was in my yard most of the day too. I feel like if she were stuck somewhere, she absolutely would have meowed and I would have heard her. If she was hurt, I know that's a different story. But I also feel like she CAN'T be far. So where is my baby then??

I have been an absolute disaster since she went missing. The first 3 days I felt physically sick. I was nauseous and had a migrane that went all down my neck and into my jaw. I have not cried that hard or that frequently in I'm not sure how long. Every single day throughout the day, I cry so badly for that cat. I was in such a constant state of panic the first half of the week knowing that she could still be out there alive, needing my help. I desperately have gone all around my neighborhood shaking her treats calling to her and checking in some neighbors yards. I have stuck flyers in about 80 peoples mailboxes and have hung flyers on telephone poles in the area (I still have 4 more to hang but was just told I could be fined for doing it so now I'm not sure if I should remove the others although I REALLY don't want to) I have called a long list of vets in the area, and a bit beyond and have visited all of the local vets leaving them flyers and asking whether or not anyone has called about or brought in any cats. We surprisingly don't have any shelters or pounds anywhere near where but I faxed a flyer over to the one shelter that said they still accept cats. I have spoken to quite a few of my neighbors about this and they're all on the lookout too and one of my neighbors has been out looking also. I sleep downstairs with all of the windows open. On the rare occasion she would be out at night, she would always meow loudly to come back in. Woke me up from a dead sleep many times, even when I was upstairs I could still hear her.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm so depressed. Lately I feel like I can't even get out of bed. I don't want to be awake because to be awake makes me aware of the pain. But I still look for her every day. I have gotten a few phone calls from my flyers, but they didnt really go anywhere. A few cat people have called just to see whether or not she came home and let me know of "possible" sightings. But the cats they described were not my Eloise. My heart is aching not knowing where she is, what happened and obviously whether or not she's still alive.

Eloise is my baby. I have 4 other cats, ages 11-15. Eloise just turned 4 in July. I rescued her just a few months after one of my cats died. I wasnt planning on getting another cat because nothing could have ever replaced Papa (who was an indoor/outdoor cat who thankfully peacefully passed away in the safety of my home) who I grieved for SO much. But when a friend told me someone she knew found a litter of kittens, I really wanted to give at least one a home. It was a litter of all orange tabbies, except for Eloise. Eloise was the only brownish tabby of the bunch. The woman taking care of the kitten observed that Eloise was "neglected" by her siblings. They wouldnt play with her or sleep with her. That settled it. I had to take her. Orange tabbies always have my heart (I have one who is also the apple of my eye) but I was drawn to Eloise. She was meant to be mine. In the last 4 years I have obviously grown so attached to her. She is such a special cat I really can't even put it into words. I absolutely love her and what has been going on for the past week is really breaking me down. I cannot think of anything else, I don't want to do anything. All I think of is her and what could have happened and what I'm not doing. I hate myself for not being able to find her. I hate myself for letting her out to begin with. I fought so hard for a while to keep her indoors. She's only been going out for maybe a year and a half. I tried keeping her in one of those outdoor mesh cat tent/tunnel things which she managed to flip over and get out of anyway. I tried attaching a lead to her collar around the tree so she could still have the freedom to roam a bit, but she nearly choked herself trying to run away from the lead. Then she would lie flat as a pancake on the lawn because she wasnt sure what to make of the lead. She always flies to the backdoor the moment she hears anyone near it and has occasionally slipped out without anyone even seeing her. She just LOVES to be outside and eventually she built up my trust to let her out. She loved to be inside 80% of the time but she so badly wanted her fresh air time just a couple of hours a day if that, and I eventually granted that to her. I should have found another way. Even if this is what she really wanted to do, nothing is worth losing her or having her in any amount of pain.

I was just looking at Eloise the other day and said to my mother "You know, I'm probably going to have this cat when I'm in my 40's!" I so believed I had all the time in the world with her and she was going to live forever. I just cannot imagine my life without her. I feel sick knowing she's out there alone and is/was scared, hurt or who knows what else. I have dealt with pet loss numerous times, all heart wrenching, all of whom I still think of frequently and miss. But this is something I have never had to deal with before. A lost/missing pet was always one of my greatest fears. And now I'm dealing with it with my poor girl Eloise! The one who is constantly under my feet and always around causing some kind of mischief. She has such a unique personality, I really have never had a cat quite like her. I am so protective of her and all of my pets and it kills me to think that she could be stuck somewhere or hurt wondering why I havent come for her. I let her down and I am so sorry I will never forgive myself. I don't know how to cope with this at all. This is truly an ongoing nightmare. I was eventually able to find peace with my other pets who have passed away because they were all elderly and I knew what happened. Eloise is just a baby and she could be anywhere, dead or alive. I am so discouraged and realize that every day that passes means it's less and less likely she'll come home. But I can't give up yet. I don't know HOW she could come home at this point, but I keep hoping that somehow, by some miracle she's going to find her way back. As hard as it is to accept that she was possibly only meant to have 4 years on this earth, I can come to terms with that in one way or another some day. But I need her to come home. I don't want her to die alone or to suffer in pain and fear. That's too much to handle. If she has to die, she HAS to be home. She just has to be. But I can't find her. I'm at a loss. I feel so helpless and lost and alone. I have that constant burn of dread and anxiety all in my arms and chest. I just feel so unsettled. I miss my girl so desperately. I miss calling her by her silly nicknames. I miss seeing her sleeping on my bed on her back with all 4 paws in the air. I miss her "prrrreowing" outside the bathroom door and then eventually pushing it open and lying in the sink while I'm in the shower. I miss her "talking" to me in the middle of the night waiting for me to respond before hopping into bed with me. I miss her pulling herself along the bottom of the stairs, chasing the dog, lying on the computer moniter, meowing almost sadly next to me until I paid her attention and finally picked her up (usually while I'm on the computer have have to hold her with one arm and type with the other) I just miss everything!! All of my memories are still so vivid, and yet it feels like she's been gone for weeks, if not months. I just don't know how to get through this. How can you find peace when you never know what happened? I feel like I'm never going to be able to recover from this. Either way, this is going to change me in some way.

On top of everything, August 23 will be/would have been her 4 year anniversary. So she disappeared exactly 10 days before her anniversary. I still remember the exact day I brought her home. Hundreds of pictures have accumulated over that time, but I'd give them all up if I had to, just to have her home safe again :-(

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know this was very long. And please, please, please say prayers for her safe return. I have to still believe that this isnt the end.