Saying Goodbye To My Soul Pug

Hi Everyone-

I wanted to share my story. I put my 13 1/2 year old pug to sleep about a month ago. I'm completely heartbroken. I cry everyday. My heartaches. I've been struggling between immense sadness and lingering guilt. Ling Ling was the love of my life. My soul pug. My "heart dog" as they say. I was 19 when my siblings and I got him to bring joy and life to our mother who was terminal with cancer. I remember the smile he brought to her face as she held him as a tiny wiggly puppy. After she passed, it was as if Ling Ling became an extension of her. As if my mom's love was transferred through him to us and vice versa. He brought so much joy and light to our lives during such a dark time.

From 19-32 Ling Ling has been by my side. All through my 20s - first apartments, new jobs, graduating college, moving to different cities. His first 7 years it was just him and me against the world. The last seven years Ling gained a sister, a sweet French Bulldog /Boston Terrier named Sammy and even another pet parent to take care of him and love him just as much as me. The four of us were a little tribe. It warms my heart thinking of the countless nights we all snuggled up on the couch watching movies. Now, his spot his empty.

The last three months of his life was a quick decline. He had what the vets believed to be a reoccurring pneumonia he couldn't fight off. Along with an enlarged heart and his ongoing neuro issues (his hing legs were starting to give out after years of managing it quite well and then he lost his ability to urinate on his own), life was becoming increasing difficult for our Ling. It breaks my heart when i think about those last few weeks. The last er trip, he couldn't breathe out of oxygen. Old age had taken our baby away.

The hardest part of making the decision was how quick everything felt. I think because I was so set on him getting better I never stepped back and realized how he might not get better. I was in denial of his age and health. I wasn't going to give up. So I never truly wrapped my mind about the when and how when the time came. Instead of going from vet to vet to specialist and back - i could of spent his last few weeks with him cherishing every moment and doing all the things he loved to do one last time. The hardest part is I started a new job - essentially my dream job - the month of August, when his health took a turn for the worse. So i wasn't able to spend 24/7 with him. Now, I resent this job. I feel terrible I couldn't be there the way I always used to be. It just feels like had I opened my eyes to the realities of his health, I could of at least take a week off just to spend every moment with him, holding him and loving him like always.

Its been almost five weeks since we said goodbye to Ling. The last moments with him in the comfort room at the vet flash in my mind sometimes - a stab to my heart when I think of his little sweet face. How hard it was to breath for him. The mornings are the hardest. Waking up to his empty spot on the bed. The quite hum of the morning outside. A profound emptiness. A bad dream I wake up to every day and carry with me through the rest of the day.

When it all becomes too overwhelming, I try to take deep breaths, close my eyes, and picture his face as I place my hand on my heart. Doesn't help all the time, but it gives me a chance to re-focus my thoughts when they go to a dark place. What comforts my soul the most is sharing and hearing stories from other pet parents who have been through or are going through this grief. To know that millions of people have felt this sorrow before, and have made it through. All the wonderful insight from everyone here. Unafraid to open their hearts and share their story. It gives me hope. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

-K