And Now My Sweet Phineas Is Leaving Me

At this very moment my sweet Phineas, my kitty, is taking his last breaths. As with my doggie Sage, who went to Rainbow Bridge almost 3 years ago, I have regrets. Just in our nature I guess, to wonder if we have done all we can. I will spend the next precious moments with my precious kitty and perhaps come back later to post. It's just so hard, so hard. How we love our babies.

I Was Impatient And I'm So Sorry

18 years old, my best friend. She got weaker and weaker and I changed my whole life for her. Slept next to her for months, cut my work days and income, didn't go out unless I absolutely had to. I worried so much about her and had all kinds of stuff to make her life easier. Like a soft sling to put under her belly and help her hold her back legs up when she had to go outside, like the water dishes lifted up higher, like a stool to hold her backside up when she was eating. I didn't mind this at all.
This was a precious and smart girl who never had an accident in the house, but now she sometimes was wet if she slept too long. I had solutions for that, though. Several soft doggie beds and washed them every day. Took her outside and poured warm water over her for a bath. It was so hard for her- and for me. But we had loved each other for so many years that we just couldn't face not being together. At least I couldn't, and I know she was reluctant to leave me, too. Even when I became so exhausted and sleep deprived getting up every couple of hours to take her out and would get so irritated, so tired, so impatient and rough. Even then she loved me.
I knew I would regret it, I knew I would feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being more patient, for sometimes even blaming her for being demanding. My poor baby, trusting me completely and me being so mean when she needed me to be understanding.

I had to send her to Heaven last night. She tried so hard to stay here for me, but I think she was finally ready to go to Rainbow Bridge and play and wait until I get there. I had to save her from more discomfort and frustration, and I had to save her from me. So last evening, while cradling her in my lap, I finally did what I should have done sooner. I told her it was ok to go on ahead of me, and that I am forever sorry for not being what she needed me to be when she was most vulnerable. I apologized over and over, just like I did many times before when I would be complaining or angry about being awakened again. Every day I tried so hard to be all she needed, but every day there were a few moments when I just couldn't be patient and understanding.
I know she forgives me, that's how she is. She loves me (still) with her heart and soul, and I love her the same.

Until I see you again, my sweet Sage, I will miss you and think of the wonderful 18 years we had. Please stay close to me my precious girly-girl, doggie my doggie, and let me know that you are safe and happy. And thank you God for bringing Sage to me so long ago.

My little girl, I'm so sorry, and I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and ever.
Mom
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