Feeling Lousy And Guilty

Since Shaun died on Tuesday, I've been through such a range of emotions. But at the moment I'm feeling really worried about my feelings.

A friend emailed me the words to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I took a copy to Shaun's grave today and put it on top of his casket:

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared,
beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it would all end,
the way it would all go.
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.

When we got back from the cemetery I realised that my feelings towards the other pets have changed. I feel very, very guilty, but I just don't seem to love them as much. Even my little dog - I've only had him for 5 weeks and I adored him. And then there's the other four cats. I still care about them, but things are not the same.

When I thought about "The Dance", I realised that when Shaun was around "all the world was right". Somehow, Shaun brought out the best in me. Because he was so special, I loved everyone so much. Now he's gone, I feel that things will never be right again.

When I look at the other babies, I think they are cute and I want to care for them. But when I see Shaun's picture, I am overwhelmed with love and grief. I'm so sad that I don't seem to love the others as much as I did, I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could feel the same as I did before Shaun died.

What's the matter with me?

We Had To Have This Day

We had to have this day

We had to have this day
We knew it from the start,
The clock was always counting down
To when we’d have to part.

We never know how long
Until we’re left alone
But we feel cheated of the chance
To see you fully grown.

You left us much too soon
To walk this path, so rough;
But twenty, thirty, forty years
Would not have been enough.

For though you left us gems
A precious golden store
Two thousand smiles and memories
We wanted thousands more.

We want to hear your voice,
To feel your gently purr,
Our fingers ache to touch your paws,
To stroke your silken fur.

And so the list goes on
Of pleasures we’re denied,
To introduce you to our friends
In deepest love and pride.

We had to have this day,
To feel this grief and pain,
But as we grieve we feel that you
Are with us once again.

We know you’ll stay beside us,
There’s so much more to share –
Our lifetimes and beyond, our friend,
And then we’ll join you there.


In memory of Shaun
Pawsntail Maine Road Boy
Our Little Lion

Our Little Lion Is Gone

Hello everyone - this site was very, very important to me when I lost my beloved Siamese, Ammy, 3 years ago.

Sadly, I have to come back today to tell you that we have lost another baby.

Our beautiful boy, Shaun, a brown tabby Maine Coon died today. He was hit by a car. My husband found him at the side of the road.

Shaun was only 2 years old. Earlier this year, we had a real scare when the vet told us that Shaun may be dying from lymphoma. A biopsy revealed that there were no abnormal cells, and we were delighted that we were given more time to be with him.

But not much longer, as it happened.

We have just taken his body to the cemetery. His ashes will be interred there on Thursday morning.

We had 5 cats and have just acquired a little dog. We love them all dearly, but Shaun really was our baby and we were always very protective of him.

This is very different from when I lost Ammy, who was euthanased at 16 years old. I felt terrible guilt, but eventually realised that I had done the kindest thing. This time I had no control and no chance to say goodbye. Yesterday I groomed him; if someone had said "this will be the last time you do this", how would it have felt?

My husband is devastated too. We are finding this so very very hard.

Shaun's Biopsy Result

Hello everyone

The vet phoned today with Shaun's biopsy result. Brilliant news - he hasn't got lymphoma. We will investigate the swollen lymph nodes, but the vet thinks it may have something to do with a skin condition.

I want to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who has helped me through this past week. This site helped me through one of the hardest times in my life when my beloved Ammy died 3 years ago. I don't know what I would have done without you all. You are a fantastic bunch of people; there's just not an online community like this in the UK.

This has been a terrible week, but has taught me more than ever to cherish every single second we enjoy with our babies.

And as for you people - you're simply the best.

Love to you all

Jules

How Can He Be So Ill?

We have a beautiful tabby Maine Coon boy, he is coming up to 2 years old. Last month I noticed that his lymph nodes were swollen, and although he seemed healthy the swelling didn't go away, so today I took him to the vet.

He told me that he is almost certain that Shaun has lymphoma. He wants to do a biopsy tomorrow to make sure. I am told that the prognosis is very bleak indeed and our little lad may not be around for much longer.

I am heartbroken. How can he be dying? He looks so good, he's eating well, he purrs, he plays with the other cats...

When my beloved Siamese died 3 years ago this forum got me through it, I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. But I just don't feel I can go through it again - especially the euthanasia, it was the worst experience of my life and I still have nightmares about it.

I don't really want to take Shaun for the biopsy tomorrow. He has to have a GA, it will only put him through pain and suffering, and for what? So that the vet can tell me he's only got 4-6 weeks left? What would you do?

Please help, I am devastated.

Jules