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> Saying Goodbye To My Soul Pug
pug_mom
post Oct 12 2016, 03:04 AM
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Group: Pet Lovers
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Hi Everyone-

I wanted to share my story. I put my 13 1/2 year old pug to sleep about a month ago. I'm completely heartbroken. I cry everyday. My heartaches. I've been struggling between immense sadness and lingering guilt. Ling Ling was the love of my life. My soul pug. My "heart dog" as they say. I was 19 when my siblings and I got him to bring joy and life to our mother who was terminal with cancer. I remember the smile he brought to her face as she held him as a tiny wiggly puppy. After she passed, it was as if Ling Ling became an extension of her. As if my mom's love was transferred through him to us and vice versa. He brought so much joy and light to our lives during such a dark time.

From 19-32 Ling Ling has been by my side. All through my 20s - first apartments, new jobs, graduating college, moving to different cities. His first 7 years it was just him and me against the world. The last seven years Ling gained a sister, a sweet French Bulldog /Boston Terrier named Sammy and even another pet parent to take care of him and love him just as much as me. The four of us were a little tribe. It warms my heart thinking of the countless nights we all snuggled up on the couch watching movies. Now, his spot his empty.

The last three months of his life was a quick decline. He had what the vets believed to be a reoccurring pneumonia he couldn't fight off. Along with an enlarged heart and his ongoing neuro issues (his hing legs were starting to give out after years of managing it quite well and then he lost his ability to urinate on his own), life was becoming increasing difficult for our Ling. It breaks my heart when i think about those last few weeks. The last er trip, he couldn't breathe out of oxygen. Old age had taken our baby away.

The hardest part of making the decision was how quick everything felt. I think because I was so set on him getting better I never stepped back and realized how he might not get better. I was in denial of his age and health. I wasn't going to give up. So I never truly wrapped my mind about the when and how when the time came. Instead of going from vet to vet to specialist and back - i could of spent his last few weeks with him cherishing every moment and doing all the things he loved to do one last time. The hardest part is I started a new job - essentially my dream job - the month of August, when his health took a turn for the worse. So i wasn't able to spend 24/7 with him. Now, I resent this job. I feel terrible I couldn't be there the way I always used to be. It just feels like had I opened my eyes to the realities of his health, I could of at least take a week off just to spend every moment with him, holding him and loving him like always.

Its been almost five weeks since we said goodbye to Ling. The last moments with him in the comfort room at the vet flash in my mind sometimes - a stab to my heart when I think of his little sweet face. How hard it was to breath for him. The mornings are the hardest. Waking up to his empty spot on the bed. The quite hum of the morning outside. A profound emptiness. A bad dream I wake up to every day and carry with me through the rest of the day.

When it all becomes too overwhelming, I try to take deep breaths, close my eyes, and picture his face as I place my hand on my heart. Doesn't help all the time, but it gives me a chance to re-focus my thoughts when they go to a dark place. What comforts my soul the most is sharing and hearing stories from other pet parents who have been through or are going through this grief. To know that millions of people have felt this sorrow before, and have made it through. All the wonderful insight from everyone here. Unafraid to open their hearts and share their story. It gives me hope. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

-K
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moon_beam
post Oct 12 2016, 01:09 PM
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Hi, K, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Ling Ling. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

K, I can very much relate to how you're feeling when you share with us "After she passed, it was as if Ling Ling became an extension of her. As if my mom's love was transferred through him to us and vice versa. He brought so much joy and light to our lives during such a dark time." Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a companion who has been "shared" with a human loved one can make the grief journey feel as though we are losing not only our beloved companion but our human loved one again as well. So the grief is intensified with these compounded feelings of loss. I experienced this when my beloved canine companion Samson and beloved feline companion Holly joined the angels within a year of each other. They were the last companions I had who also shared the earthly journey of my mom who departed this earthly realm in 1985. It took me awhile to adjust to their physical absence until I was able to embrace the love of new companions in my life.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts and minds at a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable. There is no doubt in what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Ling Ling a happy, healthy earthly journey. Each of us are "guilty" at some point in time of not understanding the full impact of what our beloved companion's are going through as their health declines - - for whatever reason. And our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling because of a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins - - leaving us "uncertain" as to what we are seeing at times is actually happening or just our imaginations / fears. The good news is that our beloved companions know we are mere mortals - - we do not possess the gift of foreknowlege that allows us to have "x-ray eyes" that can scan their bodies to determine if they are ill, or the extent of their illness. They know we can only do the best we can with the information we have at any given time, and they love us unconditionally just the same for our human "shortcomings." I hope in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Ling Ling loves you for everything you did for him during his earthly journey, and is very blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

Although your life is now challenged with the impossible task of adjusting your daily routines without the physical presence of your beloved Ling Ling, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Ling Ling share. Love is eternal, K, - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit continues to be a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do so know from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Ling Ling with us, K. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 13 2016, 03:43 AM
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Thank you moon beam for your wonderful words. It means so much to hear from another pet parent who understands this grief. Today was another difficult day but I'm trying hard to start moving in a positive direction. I'm going to start putting together a photo album of Ling as an ongoing project to memorialize him. Trying hard not to dwell on if onlys and what ifs. Allow the grief in. I miss my ling dearly. As I write this in bed I remember the way he used to lay his chin on the top of my foot like the perfect head rest. Tonight, my other dog is sleeping on his usual spot - something she hasn't done since he passed. I wonder if she is doing it because he misses him or smells his scent from the blanket. Moon beam you speak of missing the physical presence. Yes, that is the hardest part. His fur his smell his snoring noises the weight of him on my lap. Have you ever felt your pets that have passed before? Had a moment where you truly felt they were there to tell you they're ok? I've been thinking a lot about life after death. The fact that energy never dies. His little sweet soul. Thank you again moon beam for your kind words. It helps immensely. I've attached a photo of my ling. i would love to see photos of your babies too. Samson and Holly must of been the best.

Take care,
-K
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moon_beam
post Oct 13 2016, 03:30 PM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief journey is both a physical and emotional one. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Scientific studies prove that every time our companions rub / touch us, lick / kiss us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally experience a physical withdrawal from their chemical imprint, which is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is both physically and emotionally painful.

I'm so glad you're working on a memorial photo album for your beloved Ling Ling. I have done the same thing when one of my companions has transitioned from this earthly realm and found great comfort as it helped me to focus on the good memories - - which is what your beloved Ling Ling wants for you. Does this mean you will never think about how your beloved Ling Ling transitioned home to the angels? No - - for this is also a part of your many memories you and your beloved Ling Ling share. But hopefully you will find comfort in knowing that your beloved Ling Ling is forever grateful to you for everything you did for him during his earthly journey, and find reassurance that the love bond you and your beloved Ling Ling share is eternal.

As for your question "Have you ever felt your pets that have passed before? Had a moment where you truly felt they were there to tell you they're ok? " Yes, from time to time I have felt the "presence" of at least one of my beloved companions letting me know their sweet Living Spirit is still with me. Some people find never experience a "visit" from their beloved companion and feel that it's because their bond with their beloved companion isn't strong. I would like to share with you now that if for some reason you don't feel the "presence" of your beloved Ling Ling this doesn't mean that your beloved Ling Ling isn't close to you. It simply means that your beloved Ling Ling is finding other ways to let you know he is close to you. And even if you don't feel the "visits", you will always have your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit with you in your heart and memories, K, - - for he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 17 2016, 12:24 AM
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Thanks for your response moon beam. I've been crying all weekend. Feeling particularly down these past few days. I just can't shake the thought that if I had better prepared for my Lings last days that I could of given him a "perfect day" that I read about some owners do for their end of life stage dogs. Maybe take him to the park last time, feed him yummy foods, held him and loved him 24/7 by taking some time off work. I feel like I might feel less grief. If I had accepted his death while he was still alive. Maybe gain perspective and closure before it was too late. Would this of lessened my grief? I just feel like he never got that proper goodbye because I was so focused on getting him better. I hate that i didn't prepare for this. I know there is no perfect death but it just seems like my denial got in the way of the reality of his health. I miss him so deeply. 13.5 years of loyalty and love and now it's just gone. Everyday he was by side. I truly feel like I won't recover from this loss some days.
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moon_beam
post Oct 17 2016, 12:33 PM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. In the early years of hospice beginning in this country, several clinical professionals wrote books and articles about the stages of grief. Some of them through the years since then have realized how misinformed their earlier perspectives of counseling people grieving are. Please let me try to reassure you that there is no way in heaven or on earth that you could have adequately "prepared" yourself for the moment in time when your beloved Ling Ling would no longer be physically with you. Our society implants into the human mind that "life" should be focused on sustaining our existence - - and all those of every life form we love - - in this physical realm - - at all cost. So it is perfectly natural for you to have focused your efforts on trying to help your beloved Ling Ling's medical situation improve to sustain his physical presence with you. Your beloved Ling Ling knows and understands this - - and wouldn't have had it any other way - - for he knows that you love him and would have moved heaven and earth to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey -- to heal his physical body whatever the cost.

When we lose the physical presence of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - we are forced to deal with the reality that all beings on this planet are mortal - - and this is part of the many things we struggle with during our grief adjustment journey. When we lose a loved one our focus changes and we begin to re-prioritize what is significant in our lives - - and in this process we once again realize how precious our loved ones are - - whoever the life form - - be they no longer physically with us as well as those who continue to share our earthly journey. So I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you did the very absolute best for your beloved Ling Ling at all times and in all circumstances - - including the weeks, days, hours of his transition journey to the angels.

As for "closure" / "letting go" - - some professional counselors are now recognizing that there really is no such thing. "Closure" / "letting go" implies moving on with our lives as though the love one we lost no longer exists - - and I can tell you from first hand experience that this is absolute nonsense. This grief journey is about adjusting to the physical absence of our loved one - - which is both emotionally and physically painful particularly during the deep grief. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief journey but unfortunately the only way is one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time. It is important that you allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Ling Ling even if you must find a private place away from other people to do so. I remember so well being thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work so that I could regain my composure from the waves of grief so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. And then there were the drives home from work when the dam of gut wrenching tears flowed freely from being stifled during the day at work. I know right now it feels like you will never recover from the physical loss of your beloved Ling Ling, but I promise you one day you will be thinking about your beloved Ling Ling and you will find yourself smiling again - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your eternal love, and you may hear the soft voice of your beloved Ling Ling in your heart say "it's okay, mom - - I'm always with you - - I'm always a heartbeat close to you."

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 18 2016, 10:11 AM
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Hi moon beam-

Thanks again for your support. Today I woke up and felt the familiar pang of heartache. I usually wake up and see my sweet Lings face in my head. Today is seven weeks to the day we said goodbye. Work is difficult because I have know one to talk to and I'm constantly holding in tears. A lot of bathroom breaks. A lot of deep breaths. I miss him so much moon beam. I can't believe I have to keep moving forward without him. It's seems so surreal. The world moves with or without you and it's heartbreaking. Lately I've been dwelling on how I have not enough pictures of just the two of us. I have a million pictures of him and some of him with his dad and other family members but just a handful of him and me. I just assumed we had more time. I didn't think I needed those photos but now I so desperately wish I had a ton of us just us. Sounds silly but it's just another wish on the wish list. I should concentrate on what I do have and be grateful for all the pics and videos I can look back on. I will try my best to get through the day with this ache in my chest. Thank u again for all your kind words and support moon beam. It really helps to have someone to talk to. Are there any other things you did to help your healing that you would suggest I do?
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moon_beam
post Oct 18 2016, 01:58 PM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can sooo relate to your grief stricken lament when you share with us "The world moves with or without you and it's heartbreaking." Indeed, it never ceases to amaze me how "life" continues when you're in the midst of a life changing traumatic event - - and clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is a life changing traumatic event. Chores get done, work continues, meals are prepared, bills are paid, etc. - - but without the enthusiasm that once was a part of our daily routines. We function on what I call "automatic pilot" - - but what seemed "important" before is no longer relevant in our hearts and minds. This, too, is a part of the painful grief adjustment journey as we travel the excruciatingly difficult task of re-inventing our daily routines that now no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companion. In clinical terms this is referred to as "caregiver syndrome" - - for we are the caregivers of our companions as they are totally dependent upon us for their every need. And - - as the rest of this grief adjustment journey -- this process can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts, and particularly during the deep grief it seems that every minute of every hour of every day of every month is a milestone of a "first without" - - and our hearts break anew.

It is important that you do for YOU what is comforting for YOU, K. It is advisable that you keep the stress levels as low as possible for your body right now is literally functioning in "survival mode" for grieving takes a lot of energy, and because you are experiencing a higher than normal stress level right now your immune system will also be compromised - - so it is important that you get plenty of rest and nourishment. This grief journey is both physical and emotional - - so both your body and mind need extra tender loving care right now.

I also understand so very well how difficult it is to navigate this grief journey without someone to talk to. Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, our society in general - - and sadly sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here where we can come to share what is in our hearts and minds with those who DO understand without the fear of rejection or recrimination. So please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I'm not on the computer 24 / 7, but I am here daily and look forward to sharing with you how you're doing, and to offering you comfort, support, and encouragement to the best of my ability.

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 19 2016, 10:30 AM
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Hi moon beam-
Everything your saying is so absolutely true. It does feel like I'm functioning on auto pilot. And it so difficult. Being without my ling in this new world is so much more difficult than I ever imagined. This adjustment is excruciating. And the loss is a traumatic event that doesn't get the same sympathy as when a closer family member passes. Im trying to get through these days one moment at a time. I know this will be a long journey for me because of what Ling meant to me. He was such a part of my identity. It truly feels like a piece of me is gone. it makes me sad to think that he will only be a memory now. I tried writing down all the good memories. And went through old pictures. It made my heart smile for a moment. The what ifs and if onlys are starting to fade. Sometimes the thoughts pop up once in a while. But now it's just the loss that is ever consuming. The reality he isn't here anymore. This is one of the hardest most painful experience of my life moon beam. And I always knew it would be. In trying hard not to replay the last few weeks in my mind- that's when I start to fall into a terrible mind state. I will take a deep breath and try to get through the day. Your kind words are such a comfort to my soul during this difficult time moon beam. Thanks for listening.
-K
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LittleGirl's...
post Oct 19 2016, 08:17 PM
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Dear Pug Mom,

I'm so very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Ling !! I want to echo moon_beam's wisdom and compassion. She has said everything so perfectly and so accurately! wub.gif

I am usually on this site more and will be back soon. In the meantime I just wanted to express that you, Pug Mom, are such an outstanding Mom that words can't begin to describe. And I feel strongly that Ling wants you to know this. He is in awe that his earthly "good-bye" was full of his Mom doing everything she could to keep his physical form around forever because she loves him SO much, and full of a mother's love. wub.gif

More soon. Thinking of you !!

Prayers of peace coming your way,

Kathy


--------------------
Compassion for all animals. www.earthlings.com
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pug_mom
post Oct 20 2016, 02:30 AM
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Thank you so much Kathy for your message. It's hard to take a look outside yourself and see all the love you gave your baby when your stuck in the grief. I feel like all I think about is all the things I could of done better or how is should of done this or that. I'm trying hard to start moving in a positive direction. It's sometimes as ironic as it sounds easier to stay stuck the grief and seemingly endless sadness. Because that is the overwhelming feeling I feel at all times. I'm also discovering the hardest part about this journey is not that what ifs and feeling of guilt but rather the physical loss. The unreal alternate reality that we have to walk through on "auto-pilot" as moon beam said so brilliantly. One moment at a time is how I'm approaching the day. I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and hearing from pet parents on this forum is like someone handing me a flashlight and helping me through it. Because it's such a lonely type of grief. There are a million things I wish i could of done right for ling but i have to keep telling myself that there are probably a billon things I did right for him because I loved him so much. Losing ling has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. Thank you for making my journey just a little bit easier. I truly truly appreciate it.
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LittleGirl's...
post Oct 20 2016, 12:42 PM
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Hi K,

I love your analogy of the flashlight !! We are in this together. We on this forum all understand, too well sad.gif , what this journey is like.

I understand about the loss of Ling's physical presence! YOU are still in your physical body, with all the limitations that brings including being able to "see" him there, and although he's still right there with you, he's a blissful spirit.

I also completely understand the guilt ! It's SUCH a part of this grief journey and I absolutely hate it. The only thing that helps me regarding that is knowing that it IS universal, and that helps me feel that maybe I DID do enough. I have this perfectionism thing when it comes to my babies. It's humanly unattainable what I expect from myself. It's so hard to not be hard on myself when it comes to them. Maybe that is part of what you are experiencing. Ling wants you to know that you've nothing to be sorry for. wub.gif

More soon!
Kathy


--------------------
Compassion for all animals. www.earthlings.com
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pug_mom
post Oct 21 2016, 10:46 AM
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Hi all

thank you Kathy again for your lovely message. Another morning and another day waking up to my Lings absence. It's been a rough rode this week. Lately it's been a lot of "firsts" without my ling. even silly things like looking at an expiration date on some food in the pantry and thinking "ling was still alive" around this time. How wonderful would it be to go back to that time. I'm trying hard not to replay his last moments with me. It was so horrible to see him struggle so much and like I mentioned before, not fully grasping it was his last days with me has been a constant guilt of mine. I begin to think about the last this the last that we did together. I have a check up for my other dog coming up and I'm just dreading being at Lings vet for the first time. It was the er clinic in which we had to put him to sleep not his regular vet but still- we were such a staple at his regular vet especially towards the end of his life. Sitting in the waiting room without him and talking to the Drs give me anxiety just thinking about it. I know I will have to do it for my other dog but it's just another one of the "firsts"'on that endless list. I think I mentioned in the earlier post that ling was the first dog I raised as an adult and also the first I had to put down. I always knew he wasn't going to last forever. But i seriously never wanted to think about that reality because I was so afraid to lose him. I sometimes think that not accepting that death is a part of life and is a natural thing caused me to lose a proper goodbye to him. I don't know if i would of been able to make that call when he was relatively healthy but at least i could of taken a few days off to spend with him. I started reading about hospice care (of course after everything) and thought how that could of been an option instead of just trying to cure him. It would of been a way to accept his fate as oppose to the frantic way it all went down. I know- I'm going back and torturing myself. I just need to get out all my doubts and fears outloud. It's been a rough week. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts
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moon_beam
post Oct 21 2016, 11:22 AM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooo relate to what you are going through from my own personal experiences with my precious beloved companions. We can only make decisions based on the information we have at any given moment in time. I wish to try to reassure you that you always did the very best for your beloved Ling Ling, and he understands this. I hope eventually as you travel your grief adjustment journey you will be able to find a peace in your heart.

I can also perfectly understand your apprehension of going back to the veterinary practice with your companion for his check up. It took the longest time for me to be able to make it through a veterinary visit with my surviving companions after a physical loss of one of my beloved companions without tears welling up and streaming down my face. The veterinary staff were very supportive, and I hope you will find the same with your veterinary care providers. Please let us know how things go. 

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 23 2016, 12:03 PM
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Hi all-

Sunday mornings used to be my favorite time of the week. To wake up to my babies, make Sunday breakfast, and all relax in the living room watching a random movie on tv. The kind they show in the daytime with commercials. So in between I can do a little house cleaning or let dogs out to sit in the sun on porch. Heaven on earth as I would say. A part of our little family is gone. My sweet ling. who has been there every Sunday morning for 13 years. How does one adjust to that kind of change? It's not sunny today. The cloudiness matches my mood.

My boyfriend found a video he recorded of me coming home from work and ling barking and trying his best to make his way to say hi on his bad hind legs. Didn't matter to him he was going to make his way to me even if he stumbled a bit. I broke down and cried with equal parts happiness he had recorded that moment and equal parts complete sadness that he won't be there to greet me again. This grief in unrelenting. It has been seven weeks. Almost two months. I am counting the days even though I know I shouldn't. Today I'm going to do a little cleaning. There are still his towels and diapers and blankets that need to be cleaned and put away. Will donate his things. Soon. But first need to gather it together. That is my one thing today I will do. I will exercise today. I will try to do a little bit at a time. Because that is all I can do. Is move forward. Even when I don't want to. If I can do one little thing a day to help myself make it another day then I have to or else it will be nothing but darkness. I miss my ling everyday. And it hurts every bone in my body to have to wake up to him gone. I will continue to miss him and be sad. But at least today, do one thing to make it a tiny bit better, whatever that may be. Thanks for listening.
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LittleGirl's...
post Oct 24 2016, 07:45 PM
Post #16





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Hi K,

How did the exercise feel to you?

I can just imagine all the feelings that the video brought out!!

Please stay in touch. We're with you on this journey and empathize with everything you write.

You are such a precious Mom and Ling sure wants you to embrace that. wub.gif

Kathy

QUOTE (pug_mom @ Oct 23 2016, 01:03 PM) *
Hi all-

Sunday mornings used to be my favorite time of the week. To wake up to my babies, make Sunday breakfast, and all relax in the living room watching a random movie on tv. The kind they show in the daytime with commercials. So in between I can do a little house cleaning or let dogs out to sit in the sun on porch. Heaven on earth as I would say. A part of our little family is gone. My sweet ling. who has been there every Sunday morning for 13 years. How does one adjust to that kind of change? It's not sunny today. The cloudiness matches my mood.

My boyfriend found a video he recorded of me coming home from work and ling barking and trying his best to make his way to say hi on his bad hind legs. Didn't matter to him he was going to make his way to me even if he stumbled a bit. I broke down and cried with equal parts happiness he had recorded that moment and equal parts complete sadness that he won't be there to greet me again. This grief in unrelenting. It has been seven weeks. Almost two months. I am counting the days even though I know I shouldn't. Today I'm going to do a little cleaning. There are still his towels and diapers and blankets that need to be cleaned and put away. Will donate his things. Soon. But first need to gather it together. That is my one thing today I will do. I will exercise today. I will try to do a little bit at a time. Because that is all I can do. Is move forward. Even when I don't want to. If I can do one little thing a day to help myself make it another day then I have to or else it will be nothing but darkness. I miss my ling everyday. And it hurts every bone in my body to have to wake up to him gone. I will continue to miss him and be sad. But at least today, do one thing to make it a tiny bit better, whatever that may be. Thanks for listening.



--------------------
Compassion for all animals. www.earthlings.com
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pug_mom
post Oct 25 2016, 10:44 AM
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Hi Kathy-

I ended up going for a walk but didn't do any vigorous exercise which was the plan. It was tough getting out of bed that day. I felt like there was a weight on my chest. I had trouble at work yesterday. A bit of anxiety while I was sitting at my desk came over me. It was the thought of never holding my ling again and that he will never be at home waiting for me that upset me. I went to the bathroom to escape for a bit and took deep breaths. I want to be positive but my mind feels stuck in the grief. And it's so difficult living like this. I feel lost. I have zero interest in life these days. I know it will take time to feel better but how slow it moves.
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moon_beam
post Oct 25 2016, 12:43 PM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "I want to be positive but my mind feels stuck in the grief. I feel lost. I have zero interest in life these days." This grief journey unfortunately is a very slow process especially during the deep grief. I do so understand how it feels getting through the days feeling like your feet are weighed down with heavy chains - - as though you have no energy to move much less to focus on the normal daily things that need attention. And please let me reassure that this grief journey is a physical one as well, so what you are feeling is very normal when you share with us "I felt like there was a weight on my chest." It is important that you try to keep the stress levels as low as possible because your body is literally in a "survival mode" right now dealing with the enormous stress of grieving. Eventually this too will ease, but until that time comes for you it is vitally important that you do what is helpful to YOU.

It's also very normal to be aware of the hours, days, weeks, months since your beloved Ling Ling joined the angels particularly during the deep grief. It's all a part of the "first withouts" - - and it seems that every moment of every hour of every day is a painful reminder that your life is now changed without the physical presence of your beloved Ling Ling. As for donating his things, just take your time, K. When each of my beloved companions joined the angels I put their things in a storage box. It is only been over the last couple of years that I have finally felt comfortable enough disposing of their things that are no longer useful, and donating other things that are still usable - - and I'm talking going back as far as 1998 when my beloved canine companion Samson joined the angels. So just take your time, K - - there's no need to rush.

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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pug_mom
post Oct 27 2016, 01:23 AM
Post #19





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 14
Joined: 11-October 16
Member No.: 8,947



Hi all-

Thank you as always moon beam for all your wise words and insight. I truly look forward to hearing from you as a guide through my grief. I am still in a place of sadness and deep depression. I walk through these days in a daze - I don't even know how I manage to get through each day. Life has taken on a before ling and after ling timeline. It is true what the say- you never come out the same person after losing someone so special. The same change happened in me after my mom died. Time doesn't heal necessarily- you just become use to the absence. It hurts to think ling is a part of a past life now. I've become a bit obsessed with time. When I look at old pictures of ling and the date says October 2015 I always think - if only I would of known he would not be here a year later. my last year with him. I wish I took a million more videos and pictures of us. All the things i wish we had done together one last time. I truly felt we had more time together. As the what ifs and wishes subside I am left with pure heartbreak. And all I can do is simply feel it at this point. No matter how much loss you experience in life- no one can be prepared for death. Yet i still wonder if I had a chance to have a last few special moments I put aside for just me and him doing all the wonderful things we loved to do - would it change my grief?
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moon_beam
post Oct 27 2016, 12:12 PM
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Hi, K, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can understand how you're feeling when you share with us "Yet i still wonder if I had a chance to have a last few special moments I put aside for just me and him doing all the wonderful things we loved to do - would it change my grief?" The answer is probably no - - because - - there will always be "something" particularly during the deep grief that we will wish we could have done differently, better, etc.. Your beloved Ling Ling KNOWS that you did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey, and he is eternally thankful that YOU are his Forever Mom. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will be able to find a peace in your heart - - for this is what your beloved Ling Ling wants for you.

Indeed, there is no possible way we can ever prepare ourselves for the physical absence of a loved one who precedes us from this earthly realm - - whoever the life form. In reality I don't think we're meant to because if we did our daily routines would be focused on the eventual loss instead of the joy we share with our loved ones - - whoever the life form. Sadly, our physical bodies as well as the physical bodies of our beloved companions are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity, so inevitably we are faced with enduring through the very painful emotional and physical adjustment to their physical absence when they precede us to the angels. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here where we can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds with those who truly do understand what we are going through.

I hope today is treating you kindly, K, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Ling Ling's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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