How Have You All Adapted Without Your Beloved Ones?, Here is my story... Options

[Audrey Basar]

3/21/16- Capone got killed by a car. Dead on impact. 2 years old- All red copper husky. Cutest and funniest dog ever.

Do things get easier? No.
Do you learn to live without them? Yes, because that's all you can do.

I don't try to sit here & hurt, but I guess this is one love that I cannot shake. Nothing can ever fill this hole. That's just the way that life is going to be... It's an ache that comes from down in your throat & towards the back of your head. You almost feel like your stuck in a dark world where no matter what you do, what you see, you will always be reminded of the dog you will no longer be with this lifetime. I don't want to wait a whole life to see you in the spirit world. Heck, I don't want to wait any longer. But what am I going to do about it? Stay strong for Luna, because thats all I can do. Everyday i'm reminded of how much Luna loves you. She remembers you and her ears perk up when I say your name.

I just came on here to express my thoughts & that if I don't let things out & don't write it out, i'm stuck in my own head. Although I feel like this sadness will never dissipate, I have to keep moving forward and make the best out of what I have. I don't know how long until it will be that I might go a week without crying.. But let me tell you every single day I suffer with deep sadness knowing my baby is gone & I was unable to protect him. I know he wouldn't want me sad, but I cannot help this deep agony that is constantly following me. I love my animals to death and before he passed he would go to beach & dog park all the time & enjoy every second! I wish he was around to enjoy the pool & yard I got a month after he passed I would truly give anything to have him back again. I never knew how much someone can hurt, and for how long you can hurt. The love for my Capone is so strong that no matter what I do, what feelings I try to shake... deep down my heart cries every single day. Mentally im tired of crying, but I never feel better if I hold it in. Every day I want to cry. I cry 2 maybe 3 times a week still .. after 6 1/2 months. Every night as I fall asleep I start to think of him but try to stop myself. Under the circumstances of his death, I accept that I probably won't be healing as fast as many of you do. But thats for my body & mind to choose when to stop grieving. I constantly live on edge now and am always on alert for my dogs. I experience much more anxiety about my dogs..

Anyways, I just came on here to write, express my feelings & let you know how my journey has been. Not everyone heals quick, and thats okay. My life is not terrible. If Capone was here, it would be 100% excellent. W/O him and his joy, I will not be the same. Never will be, a new me, a new beginning.. My spirit has experienced a very low point in life but with new experiences means more spiritual growth. I take it for what it is & move on with life as happy as I can be. I try to live for today, live for the moment, & stay happy. Although no day has been easy after his passing...

[moon_beam]

Hi, Audrey, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do soooo understand the "dark place" you're feeling you're in with this grief adjustment journey. Indeed, talking things out, writing things out is helpful in an attempt to bring things into a better perspective. I am encouraged by what you share with us " My life is not terrible. If Capone was here, it would be 100% excellent. W/O him and his joy, I will not be the same. Never will be, a new me, a new beginning.. My spirit has experienced a very low point in life but with new experiences means more spiritual growth. I take it for what it is & move on with life as happy as I can be. I try to live for today, live for the moment, & stay happy. Although no day has been easy after his passing..." I so know from first hand experience that there are times in our lives when all we can do is just take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and move forward even when we feel like we are standing still - - or taking too many steps backward - - or caught in a deep dark pit that seems to keep consuming us in spite of our efforts to climb out. Please know we are here for you, Audrey, for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Audrey, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Capone's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[SpiritKees]

Hi Audrey,

Reading your post ... It takes me back 16 years ago, when my 16 month old pup Merlin died suddenly from a toxic reaction. As with your beloved Capone, the death was so sudden, so devastating ... neither our minds nor our hearts can take it in. My heart was shattered. I spent the next year in what I called "the pit". Doing anything felt like moving through molasses. Somehow I made it to work, bought groceries, did the minimal I needed to survive. Afterwards, I could not even tell you anything that happened during that year. I existed in a haze of either numbness or grief.

While all losses are difficult, a sudden loss ... a death that our hearts cry out should not have happened ... these losses can be oh so devastating. My heart truly and deeply goes out to you.

It took more than a year before I finally began to "live" again. Adopting a young rescue dog ... my wonderful Twix ... who was sweet but rascally helpd me finally take small steps forward. But even then, it was a hard road. And the thing is, when I finally did make it out of that pit ... I found I was not the same person I was before my pup died. I was a new me, with a different outlook on life, different priorities. I will never be who I was before. But I came to know the new me, and found sort of an inner wisdom borne of the deep grief had been gifted to me. The silver lining in the dark cloud, perhaps.

I don't know if my story will help you or not. I hope it will. I can talk about Merlin's death now without falling apart, but only if I don't let myself go deep into it emotionally. Because the pain if I do is still there, still deep. I have learned to live with that grief present though it lies dormant most of the time. I am at peace with what happened to Merlin now, and it no longer affects my day to day life. I hope that as you journey through what happened to your dear Capone, that you will be able to gain the peace that I finally reached.

SpiritKees