Feeling Lost Without My Boy Gunner, Loss of dog Options

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Kathy. My husband is very supportive but he is worried about me. He said that he has never seen me like this. It breaks his heart because he can't take my hurt away. The only thing that would I can't get back. It is 69 days and the tears keep coming. I'm trying. I really am but then the reality comes back that he's gone. Thanks for being here for me too.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunners Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can sooooo understand how you're feeling when you share with us "They make absolute sense to my head but my heart can't feel it yet. I feel like if I let go even a little that I am disrespecting him and will forget him. How do you let go of someone that you spent every day for the last 7 years with."

Gunners Mom, the depth of your grief cannot be measured in terms of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months - - no one can tell you it's been "x number of days" since your loss and now it's time to "move on" or "stop." Your beloved Gunner's transition from his earthly journey is a very traumatic event for you - - and the more intense the traumatic event is the more intense the grief adjustment journey is. Our emotions are not mechanical devices that can be turned on or off at will. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts and on our minds for as long and as often as we need to - - there are no "expiration dates" here.

As for "letting go" of your beloved Gunner - - this is impossible. Please let me try to reassure you that as your deep grief eases you will in NO WAY forget or disrespect your beloved Gunner - - no matter how much time passes as you continue your earthly journey. Even now in my very senior years I still remember the sweet little kitty who shared my much younger years as a little girl - - and still feel the sorrow in my memory in the cruel way he transitioned from this earthly realm. But when I think of my little Willie I remember - - and smile - - at the "tea parties" we used to have together when I got home from school, and how he liked cheese and crackers for treats. I chuckle at his escapades - - one of them getting on the kitchen table after my mom had baked a cake and left it on the table to cool before icing it for dessert for dinner - - when no one was looking he proceeded to eat some of the cake while it was still warm. Of course my mom discovered this when she went to fix the icing and put it on the cake!!!! And with each memory I can feel my beloved little Willie close to me saying "that was fun!! - - or - - I always enjoyed our cuddles", etc. Please let me try to reassure you that you will NEVER EVER forget your beloved Gunner - - for the love bond you and your beloved Gunner share is ETERNAL.

This grief journey is not about "reasoning" - - it is about adjusting to the painful emotional and physical reality that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. There is no "time table" for this - - it can only be done one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time with the comforting reassurance that we are not alone in our journey but have the comfort, support, and encouragement of others who have traveled this same journey - - and endured its deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you for your heartfelt kind words. I really enjoyed your story about your kitty. I know that I can only take it one step at a time. That's all I can give right now. Thank you for thinking of me and keeping me in your prayers.

[Gunners Mama]

I keep thinking about the weeks before he passed away. I had been watching my grandson and I had left them at our house. The week before the holiday I said that I didn't want to take them because it was too much aggravation. I always worried about one of them running off since her yard isn't fenced in. Then the night before the holiday they were in the kennel and he was the only one sitting up and whining. I told him lay down buddy mama will see you in the morning. I feel so guilty. I wish I would have let him sleep with me that night. I just never would have thought that was the last night and morning that we would have together. That's time I can never get back. I always tried to protect him but why didn't I the night that it happened. If only I would have thought about him running into something outside in the dark before. I just thought it would never happen again. I still feel so guilty for so many things.

[SummerHolly]

I keep thinking about the weeks before he passed away. I had been watching my grandson and I had left them at our house. The week before the holiday I said that I didn't want to take them because it was too much aggravation. I always worried about one of them running off since her yard isn't fenced in. Then the night before the holiday they were in the kennel and he was the only one sitting up and whining. I told him lay down buddy mama will see you in the morning. I feel so guilty. I wish I would have let him sleep with me that night. I just never would have thought that was the last night and morning that we would have together. That's time I can never get back. I always tried to protect him but why didn't I the night that it happened. If only I would have thought about him running into something outside in the dark before. I just thought it would never happen again. I still feel so guilty for so many things.

I lost my heart dog Holly over a year ago and I still miss her terribly and wish I had known she was going to die and I think about all the things I would have done if I had known. Guilt is often part of loss and time does have a way of helping. I have played many scenarios in my head but in the end you have to try and not let it cloud all the wonderful things, when I find my thoughts drifting to the guilt and negative I try and focus on the wonderful times we had.

Years ago we lost a young family dog when we were out playing with the dogs with their balls and they were chasing each other around. One of them impaled himself straight through the chest on a sharp dead branch at the bottom of a tree. Despite the vets efforts we lost him. My mother blamed herself for many years about not removing the dead branches but in all honesty how could you really know . There are certain things that it is hard to protect our dogs from and in the end one has to let them be dogs and run and be happy. I have walked dogs in the dark and them running into a tree is not an obvious danger so don't treat yourself too harshly.

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Summerholly for your kind words. I try to not let the guilt creep in but sometimes it's hard. I completely understand how your mom felt. It's so hard when it's unexpected. You don't have time to even comprehend what going on. I try to think of the good times that we had together and sometimes I smile but sometimes they bring me to tears because it just makes me miss him so much. I'm just trying to take one day at a time. That's all any of us can do. Thank you again for responding.

[LittleGirl's...]

Gunner's Mama,

I so relate to you about regrets! If only we could have the foresight to know what we then wish we knew in hindsight! I love what SummerHolly wrote: " in all honesty how could you really know . There are certain things that it is hard to protect our dogs from and in the end one has to let them be dogs and run and be happy. I have walked dogs in the dark and them running into a tree is not an obvious danger so don't treat yourself too harshly." Wise words. I feel it's true that if we thought of everything that could possibly happen, we would have no life left because we wouldn't be able to think of, or keep up with, all the things that could possibly go wrong.

You are among some caring people here. We relate and we are here for you. Please stay in touch!

Kathy

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Kathy for your thoughts and kind words. I know what you mean by saying if we had to think of everything that could go wrong we couldn't live. Gunner did everything 110%. He may have only been on this earth for 7 years but he truly lived every single day. I think that's what I miss most about him. He had such a carefree spirit. He made every day so exciting. He always kept me on my toes. We still have 3 dogs but it's so quiet without him. Boy do I miss him.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can soooooo relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "We still have 3 dogs but it's so quiet without him." Scientific studies prove that every living being has their own unique physical "energy" that they bring to the family unit. When this "energy" is no longer present, the dynamics of the family unit changes as it attempts to compensate for the loss of the missing "energy." This is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment is so painful both emotionally and physically. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will find comfort in knowing that your beloved Gunner's "energy" is still with you in his sweet Living Spirit which is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Moon Beam for checking on me. I believe what you mean by they each have there own unique energy. Gunner definitely had his. He was always into something. I seemed to be doing okay yesterday but today I woke up and I'm a complete wreck. All I have done is cry and have done the what ifs. I just miss him so much. I wish that I could feel him around me but I can't. I don't know why. We were so close. I don't know if he's angry at me for not protecting him. I just don't know how in supposed to go on without him. Sorry for being a mess.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Gunner is NOT angry with you. This is NOT why you cannot feel him close to you right now. When we are in deep grief it is difficult for us to "feel" our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit with us - - because our hearts are grieving, and all the emotions that accompany grieving overshadow our ability to feel our beloved companion still close to us. Each of us experience our beloved companion's closeness differently as well as with different intensity. NOT being able to feel them close to us does not mean they aren't. It simply means they are nestled deep within our hearts always ready to share a memory whenever we think of them.

I certainly understand how you're feeling when you share with us "I just don't know how in supposed to go on without him." This is one of the hardest parts of the physical and emotional adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Gunner. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell. We are taught to believe that what isn't tangible through these senses doesn't exist. But - - there is one dimension that transcends the physical world and that is the dimension of LOVE - - for love is eternal. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit IS with you wherever you go - - whatever you do - - whether or not you can "sense" him.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Moon Beam for the kind words. Gunner and I were so bonded. I believe that our souls are connected. When he left he took a piece of my heart with him. I don't think that I will ever be the same person that I was before. I just want to feel close to him again. I just miss him so much.

[LittleGirl's...]

Gunner's Mama,

Moon_beam's words are so very true and I hope you can take them to heart: " Please let me try to reassure you that your beloved Gunner is NOT angry with you. This is NOT why you cannot feel him close to you right now. When we are in deep grief it is difficult for us to "feel" our beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit with us - - because our hearts are grieving, and all the emotions that accompany grieving overshadow our ability to feel our beloved companion still close to us."

Gunner loves you and does not want you suffering. He is there with you.

I have to thank you again for caring so much and sharing your other post regarding reminders for us all. It is one of the most comforting and wise things I have ever come across. Gunner wants you to know these things.

Please keep sharing your feelings here.

Kathy

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Kathy for the comforting words. I found that and after I read it it made mean feel a little better. I figured that all of us here are suffering with grief and I thought that it might help someone.I wanted to thank you for the idea about the letter. I have decided that when we go down to our cabin I am going to write a letter to Gunner and tie it to a balloon and send it to him in Heaven. I'm not ready just yet though. It will take some more time. Thanks again for checking on me.

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Gunner's Mama,

What a wonderful and very sweet idea about the balloon, for when the time feels right!! The letter will say what Gunner already knows and it will be a heartfelt expression of love from you to him.

Kathy

[Gunners Mama]

I just wanted to thank you for just listening to me. I helps a lot to talk to other people who feel the same way. I'm so glad that I found this forum and all of these caring people. I think you're right about Gunner wanting me to know those things. I came across that article and then I came across it again somewhere else. I think it was a sign from him. It helps but it still doesn't make me miss him any less.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate when you share with us: "I don't think that I will ever be the same person that I was before." You aren't expected to be - - for when our companions come into our hearts and homes our lives are forever changed for the better. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again as we endure the enormously painful task of adjusting our daily routines to the "new normal" without their sweet precious physical presence with us. No matter how much time passes there will always be a part of us that will continue to miss the sweet precious physical presence of our beloved companion. The good news is that the intensity of our deep sorrow will ease so that we can remember our cherished treasured memories with a happier heart instead of one that is burdened with deep sorrow. And this is what our beloved companions want for us - - this is what your beloved Gunner wants for you.

Sending your love letter heavenward to your beloved Gunner on a balloon is a wonderful idea whenever you feel up to doing it. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Moon Beam for your kind words. I'm glad to hear that I don't have to be the same person as before because I just can't. I hate this new normal. I used to do things so effortlessly and now everything is a chore. It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. When Gunner was here everything was right with the world. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving. When I send Gunners balloon to him in Heaven I will let you know how it goes. Thank you again for everything.

[Gunners Mama]

I just wanted to share this video. I came across it yesterday even though it's from 2007. I had never seen it before. I wonder if it's a sign from Gunner. I really needed the message.

http://www1.cbn.com/content/sky-angel-cowboy

[moon_beam]

Hi, Gunner's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and the wonderful video. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us "I used to do things so effortlessly and now everything is a chore. It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. When Gunner was here everything was right with the world. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving." It is perfectly normal to feel "disconnected" from what used to be your "normal" when you are grieving. I frequently describe the first few months of grieving like functioning on "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, jobs get done, bills get paid, meals are prepared, etc., but as you so aptly describe it " It's like I'm a robot just going through the motions. I feel like I've been in a fog for 76 days now. I couldn't even tell you what I've done. I guess just barely surviving." I promise you it will not always be this way, but for now just go with the flow. It's important to try to keep the stress levels as low as possible until you are feeling stronger again.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Gunner's Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Gunner's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam