Lost The Best Thing In My Life, My Cat

Two days ago I had to put down my best friend, co-captain, and comfort counselor, Cat. Maybe this is being negative, (um, yeah) but in many ways I have felt kinda unlucky in life. I've had few fulfilling romantic relationships and was diagnosed with cancer at 33 ending my dream of having children. But always when I looked at Cat I knew I was so blessed to find this gorgeous creature who looked at me with love and concern shining in her huge green eyes. I cried when I brought her home as a kitten 14 years ago, because that skittish feral baby I reluctantly picked out solely on the basis of her good looks, suddenly jumped out of the carrier like she had just won a prize, so excited to love and be loved. I knew she was gonna break my heart.

Cat has battled IBD for the last 7 years, her weight plummeting once from 11lbs to 7, then over the last four years down to less than 5. When she died she weighed 4.3 lbs and still had an appetite but just could not eat much or absorb nutrients. My guilt is that I tried to control her condition for the longest time through diet alone and only started medication (prednisolone) recently. It worked for a few weeks, then she stopped eating again. Her constant cries of hunger and rummaging the house for anything to eat (brooms? Really cat?) were heart wrenching. The vet said in her emaciated state, that she didn't think Cat could turn it around even with additional meds and procedures. Her labs were abnormal. That it might even be cancer (the IBD was not biopsy proven.) So I made the decision to stop.

I always assumed she would make it to 20 years old, and when she finally died, I would know with certainty it was time (I had some doubt); but also, that I would have a husband and children and other pets to comfort me in my loss. You know, the way people assume life is gonna turn out. I love my extended family and friends, and I am not a hermit, but at the end of the day, CAT was my partner, the closest thing I had to my own family and an endless source of mutual love and affection.

I am just really lost right now and I don't think other people in my life understand the depth of what I'm going through, nor do I want to reveal so much of my despair to make them think I'm a suicidal looney. I've been very comforted reading some of the stories of like-minded people on this board. It's only been two days so I don't think the full impact of the loneliness has hit me yet, and I need to gather my resources for the onslaught. Thanks for reading.