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Summer4infinity
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Summer4infinity

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8 Jan 2009
The first time I saw you it was love at first sight. You had these amazing grass green eyes. I was a little bit sad when the vet told me they were just your puppy color and they would change, but you were still just as beautiful after they turned brown. Not once did you ever poop in the house, even though the vet said that you were only around five weeks old when I adopted you. While you were at Greenhill waiting to be adopted you picked up a horrible bladder infection so you did walk around peeing without even knowing that you were. It took almost two months to get rid of that stubborn infection! You still had to get up to go outside three, four, even five times a night for months after that though. I remember thinking that having a puppy was WAY harder than having a baby because I didn't have maternity leave. I have still never felt as tired as I did in those months.

I thought you would be small; you were even smaller than Dakota when you two first played tug-of-war with each other. Since he was a year older, Dakota used to beat the crap out of you… little did he know that he'd get payback for that a hundred times over in the years to come. You grew and grew and before I knew it you were 80 lbs!

You were the most vocal animal I have ever had. You barked non-stop while I was fixing your food, morning and night, even on the last morning that I ever got to feed you. It was sometimes trying in these last couple months, when I had to fix you special food… "BARK, BARK, BARK" for ten minutes straight.

From the time you were very small you always had to be touching me. When we were in the van you would steal Dakota's little bed and curl up in it just so you could lay your head on me while I drove. When I would sit on the couch you would sit in my lap, literally. Sometimes it was uncomfortable but it made me laugh, and I loved having you close by. It could be a bit annoying when I couldn't go to the bathroom by myself though. You even jumped into the shower with me once. It was hard to ever be mad at you because you were so loving and eager to please and you just wanted to be with your mommy.

You were hands down the clumsiest dog I have ever known too. You never did understand that Dakota was about a fifth your size. You would flip him in the air and step on him when you played. Though when he started to get old and hurt a lot, you must have known because you played much gentler with him then. When Dakota passed away in February it made me realize that you were mortal too and you would probably not be far behind. I made sure to cherish every moment that I could with you. I barely took any trips this summer, I stopped working out much… not very healthy, but I knew I only had so long before you would go join Dakota.

A few months ago you started limping really bad, I could tell that you were hurting but you put on a brave face. You still wanted to play with your stuffed pig every day before I went to work and when I got home. I saw you starting to fade; you no longer got me out of bed in the mornings after my alarm went off, instead staying in bed until I got up before you would follow me out and take your place waiting by the bathroom door. When I got home from work you would no longer be at the door to greet me, sometimes I could be home for five minutes and then you would walk out of the bedroom, see me, wag your stub excitedly, and look surprised that I somehow snuck in without you knowing.

I knew we needed some time together so in the middle of October I packed you up in the van and took you on a three day road trip, just the two of us. We went places we had never been, and had great adventures and lots of little walks, and I got to try to show you some of the massive amounts of love I felt for you.

On Saturday Dec 20th I found a huge tumor underneath your front leg. It managed to hide itself from both vets and I for a long time. This is why you'd been limping for months and months and why the acupuncture and all the drugs you had been on never worked… it was pushing your leg out from inside. I took you to work with me in the van every day after… I never left your side for more than a few hours to work. I was so worried that the tumor would rupture and you would have to leave me while I was away.

The morning of Christmas Eve I took you on a short walk in between jobs. You did really well but something just wasn't right, I couldn't put my finger on it though. We got home after work and you grabbed your pink pig. We played for a little bit, but you stopped after a short time. You went and lay down on the floor instead of on the couch with me. When you didn't come up on the couch and join me after a few minutes I started to worry. I tried coaxing you up but you didn't want to move. You finally tried but when you did get up I could tell your leg hurt really bad and you breathed some funny breaths like you were hyperventilating. You lay back down right away. I knew that it was time to have the talk; I think you'd been being brave and holding on for me. You loved me so much that you didn't want me to hurt. So I lay down next to you and wrapped my arms around you. I told you how much I loved you and how much I appreciated all the love, protection, and joy you had given me for so many years. I then told you that I knew you had been trying to hold on for me, but that even though I would hurt really bad for a while… that I would be ok, and that I would be strong, and that if it was time for you to go, that I understood, and not to hold on for me anymore.

You didn't get up much after that but it was Christmas Eve and we had plans to go watch movies with the family. You did get up when I went into the bathroom to lay down outside the bathroom door and wait for me one last time. We carried you out to the van and then into the Henry's a little while after we got there. I could tell that you were starting to leave us, but you seemed peaceful though. While we were watching the movie I noticed the bruising around your tumor, and I guessed that it had probably ruptured. We excused ourselves and went home. Not long after we got home you tried to go through the dog door to go outside. Your leg was so distended from your body by then that you got stuck. As Ticker helped you back up and go through the sliding door I could see how swollen the area was now. You stayed outside for a lot longer than normal even though we left the door open for you. Ticker went out to check on you and you had been throwing up. I came out and saw that you had lain down in your favorite hole that you had dug up by the deck. I could see that you had gotten sick, but now you were just lying there, not even able to raise your head. I debated if you wanted to be left alone; obviously you went outside to die. I think you went outside because you were still trying to keep me from hurting any worse than I had to. I knew that I couldn't sit outside wondering if you were suffering… it was time.

Ticker got the van warmed up and backed it in as close as he could, and then he gently picked you up and set you inside the van on a big blanket. He patted the floor by you so that I would get in and lay next to you. I got to lie next to you and hold you all the way to the emergency vet. I petted you and told you some more how much I loved you. I was crying so hard that I could barley breath and it felt sometimes like my heart would stop. We got there and they wheeled you away on a metal table. You were so far gone by then you didn't even try to get up. They kept you in the back for what felt like a long time. I started to feel angry that they kept me away from you for so long. I needed to be there with you because I needed to be there for you. They finally showed Ticker and I into a private room and wheeled you in with us. The tubing was already in place for the injections. I spent some more time holding you and telling you all the things that I needed you to know before you left. I asked you for one last kiss, not really expecting that you would have the energy to give it to me, but you raised your head, looked me straight in the eye, and gave me a couple of licks on my cheek. That one show of love meant more to me than anything you could ever know. Then it was time. We'd said all our goodbyes… we cracked the door open to let the vet know that it was time for the injections. A short time after midnight, as Christmas day arrived; your heart had stopped forever. Ticker and I cried together, I know he loved you very much too. Before we had left the house Ticker had removed a lot of your stuff so I didn't have to see it and be reminded when we got home… he is so sweet, you left me in good hands with him.

It's been four days. I miss new things about you every day. I've been better than I expected I would be most of the time. Even though I had a lot of time to prepare, you really can't prepare yourself for something like this. It helps me to know that you went peacefully. This next couple days will be the hardest… getting back into a routine that you will be very missed from. I miss waking up in the morning and giving you kisses, I miss playing with you when I get home after work. I even miss you waking me up at night and barking for your food. I'm sure I will miss you in a million different ways, less and less with time maybe… but for the rest of my life I will miss you, of that I am very sure.

Goodbye dear friend.


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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd November 2019 - 06:22 AM