Sharing Advice From My Loss Counselor

This morning, I went to see a man who counsels people after pet losses.
He was very kind, and understanding.

He was saying that a pet's death is often harder to deal with than any other family
members, because we have a different "contract" with our pet. They will give us
unconditional love, joy, happiness, in turn, we will give them food, water, love,
and protection. After all, they exchange a life in the "wild" to live with us.
When they get sick, or something bad happens to them, we feel responsible, as
though we broke our part of the bargain. It doesn't matter if it was a disease or
a tragic accident. It is a more intense feeling of responsibility than even what is
felt for a human child, because after all, the child can communicate with us more
directly. We fell as though we should be able to "know" our pet is ill. Nature doesn't tell our pet to tell us they are sick. They turn inward instead.

My problem now is guilt, on top of the loneliness and sadness. He was telling me,
(as many of you have) that I am taking on too much responsibility for things I
couldn't have controlled, and not giving myself enough credit for all the years of
care and love that I did give.

I will continue to try and struggle through this. I plan to go back, though it will
probably be with one of his associates. He also thinks the part about me being
an overwhelmed new mother is making this worse. I agree. I had been trying
to be "super mommy" and thought I had control of the baby, cat and dog. I can't
control everything, and one day my baby will become ill. (hopefully not seriously)
I won't be able to prevent falls, colds, cuts and scrapes.

I felt somewhat better after talking to him today. I liked that he was honest, and
told me upfront in the first five minutes, "Nothing I'm going to say to you today is
going to be able to take your pain away." He's right. Only time, hopefully, can
ease that.

i just miss my baby so much, as do all of you miss your babies.
Peace to all of us.

Tomorrow Will Be Four Weeks

I can't believe that tomorrow my Hegel will have been gone for four weeks.
This past weekend, would have been his 11th birthday. I am so glad that we had
a little party for him last year on his 10th. (He loved angelfood cake!)

I have been a wreck the past few days. It seems to be getting harder, instead
of easier. I am still wracked with so much guilt for not recognizing how sick my
baby was. Anger at the sterile personality and actions of his ER doctor. Anger at
feeling cheated for our time cut too short.
Mostly, I am angry with myself. I had opportunity to take him to the vet, and I didn't.
I swear, I thought it was nothing more than an allergic/pemphigus flare up that he
had so many times before. I think I was in "super-mommy mode"., thinking mommy
could fix anything. When my vet told me how sick he was, I was shocked speechless.
I am left feeling like I betrayed my best friend, and feeling incompetent as a parent.
I feel so empty and sad. I am terrified my soon to be 8 month old is going to pick
up on this. I try so hard to be upbeat for him, but there aren't any more songs
being sung, or giggle sessions. I just can't. My husband plays with him when he
comes home, but he is gone a lot.

I would do anything to bring him back. I have had one dream, or vision, that led
me to believe my grandmother is taking care of him. I truly hope that is true.
It seemed so real. She died when I was 11, so she never knew him, but she and
my grandfather (who died when I was 1) loved animals very much, so it makes sense.

I loved him with a pureness and intensity that I have never felt. He loved and trusted
me unconditionally. That makes my guilt more intense. He trusted me to take care
of him. I treated him like royalty, but the one time I dropped the ball.
I love you so much precious baby, and dying no longer scares me, if we can be
reunited. Mommy loves you, forever.

Just Came From Pet Loss Meeting

I just attended a local pet loss support meeting. It was pouring rain here tonight,
so only me, my husband and one other lady were there. It was conducted by
a therapist. She wasn't a grief counselor per se, just a general therapist.
She was nice, and an animal lover. The other griever had lost a 13 year old dog
on New Year's Day. It was very sudden; liver cancer that had not shown any
symptoms.
I don't know what I expected from the meeting.
I only know that it really didn't help for some reason. Maybe it did, and I just
need to give it time to sink in. I am only at the 3 1/2 week point, and in deep
misery. I have not been able to overcome my guilt, and what ifs, should've, could'ves.
I know I am stuck in this pit until I can let go of the guilt, but I cannot.
I feel like I betrayed the best friend that I ever had, and cut short our time
together. Hegel would have been 11 in a few days. I don't have the "comfort"
of "old age" or even a terminal illness. I must live with the fact that I overlooked
an infection somehow. And deal with the fact that I took him to the vet too late.
I look back, and feel that I should be arrested. At the time, it didn't seem that
way. I didn't see anything that unusual, or manageable, that he had many times
before. (Hegel had an auto immune disorder). I just feel like I let life, being without
water and heat for 2 weeks, and caring for a baby overwhelm me. I was
overwhelmed. But I could have asked for help. I have a next door neighbor
that would have helped me. It just wasn't in my nature to ask. And bottom line,
I swear I didn't think he was that sick.
In hindsight, I feel like a fool. No, nothing looked that unusual, but he was older.
I should have known better. I thought I could "fix" him. Keep an eye on his skin,
give him some prednisone as a last resort. He was eating and drinking, he was
just sleeping more. But he was heavy, older, and it was getting cold. I was sleeping
more when I could, when the baby napped. I had his stocking ready, and a new
red collar with a bell for Christmas pictures.
I am so so so sorry. I would do anything to have him back. If only I could tell
him how very sorry that I am. That I didn't know that he was so sick.

Guilt

Many of you have been very kind to me, regarding the passing of my cat, Hegel.
You have been reassuring to me, about my guilt.

I just can't seem to shake it. I can't even think about the nearly 11 years of loving
care that I provided to him. All I can think of is the horrible, unforgiveable fact
that I didn't take him to the vet sooner. I have since recovered a memory of him
slipping outside unnoticed. He was out about 20 minutes. We recovered him
easily, and of course I scooped him up kissing and hugging him.
The skin sores that he had around that time, now make me suspicious. Did another
cat attack him while he was outside? The only reason that I was complacent at
all about skin sores, is the fact that he had been a "scabby kitty" for years. He
had feline pempigus, and flea dermatitis. He was itchy quite often. He would sometimes bloody himself up, around the ears, or neck. I kept prednisone tablets
from my vet, and if the itching was really bad, I would give him some. I used them
sparingly, as pred is hard on anyone long term.

For some reason, I never made the connection to the slip outside, and the sores.
I can't say for sure that they are connected. The week that happened was the
second week of November, and we were without heat and water. I remember that
I called my vet for an appointment, and they didn't have any when I wanted one,
due to me having to be home for workmen. I said I would call back. I never did.
His skin sores healed, he was still just a little itchy. Now I feel so very stupid.
There just wasn't a big red flag that he was sick, until December 6th. I found
those sores around November 7 or 8th. I know he was eating regulary, I know
he played in my son's high chair box that we bought on November 19th. I know that
he and I played for some time on November 22, and me looking at his neck, thinking
all was well. I remember that date, because of talking to my neighbors out a window while holding Hegel. I started housesitting/pet sitting for them the following
day, which is why I remember the date.
He slept a lot, but he was chunky, and he was nearly 11. Every morning, me, Hegel
and my 7 month old son hung out in bed together. It was our little morning routine.
Thanksgiving week, I gave him 3 tablets of pred for itching, Mon, Wed, Fri, as is
usual for pred for him. On the 29th of Nov, ( I have the receipt) I bought him
a bag of Hill's Skin and Coat formula, thinking it would be good for the sores, and
he always got a little dry and flaky in the winter.
That week, I got very involved in my son's first Christmas. I didn't pay as much
attention to Hegel. I know he was hungry that week though, excpept for Friday
night. That weekend, he was very sleepy, but again, nothing unusual for a big
fat housecat.
Then Monday, bam, no appetite, dizzy, pupils glazed. That was December 6th.
My vet found an absessed lymph node on him, and a high fever. He was dehydrated.
The lymph node turned out to be an absessed salivary gland, and shrank with
antibiotics. His bloodwork indicated very bad anemia, and she sent me to an
animal hospital with him. I told the hospital about the sores. Of course by
this time, there weren't any sores. They asked me about the possibility of a fight.
I said no. I never made any connection to that "getting out" incident.
They missed a heart murmur at the hospital, and sent him home with me after 5
days with antibiotics. He made little progress at home, and had to be taken
back. That is when they did a chest x-ray, and said that the infection had gone
to his heart. It's called bacterial endocarditis, and it does irreversible heart damage.
He developed pulmonary edema, and could not breathe well in an oxygen tank.
My baby was gone on December 21st.

And now, I blame my husband, who let him out, and I blame myself for not getting
him to the vet sooner. I feel like this guilt is going to destroy me. I can't reconcile
in my mind how I could have been so complacent with someone that I loved so much?

I know that all of you understand how much I loved him, as you all loved your babies
dearly. Hegel and I had little ritual, where i would whisper in his ear, "Mommy promises I'll always take care of you." I let him down. I spent about $1600.00
trying to save him, when $20 worth of antibiotics, most likely would have saved his
life 2 weeks earlier. Now I know I will never know if that is true or not, but that
is how I feel. I told the doctor in the hospital the day that he died, that if
he could save my cat, if it was just a matter of money, tell me, I'll get it. He
said there was nothing he could do about a damaged heart valve.

I feel like I'm drowning in my grief. I am trying so hard. My infant son needs me.
I am vacant.
I appreciate everyone who reads/listens to this.
I want my little family whole again, and it can't ever be. And worst of all, my husband
and I are to to blame.
I AM SO SORRY HEGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Psychics/mediums

Has anyone ever tried to contact a deceased pet or human loved one for that matter? I am so skeptical about con artists, but my mind is open to the possiblilty.

I just wanted to know if anyone out there had ever tried this?