My Sweetie is gone. I had to have her put to sleep yesterday morning after the pain from spinal osteosarcoma got too bad. She was diagnosed on 12/28 and we struggleld for 2 weeks after that trying to manage the pain. More like keep ahead of the pain. She ended up on 4 different kinds of medications just to keep her pain under control and in the end it failed miserably. There was no choice but to let her go. She was an awsomely beautiful 8 1/2 year old Akita Shepherd mix whose name reflected her gentle soul and spirit. I got her from the shelter less than 3 years ago and that was the name she came with. It suited her. She was a good girl in every way. She loved trying to chase squirrels, playing with all her stuffed animals, giving kisses, getting belly rubs, going for adventure walks and riding in the car. My life is empty without her. I don't know how I will go on. I am lost. My heart is broken.

Hi, merlin, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sweetie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Merlin, I do so know how totally devastasted you are feeling. When our companions come into our hearts our lives are changed for the better. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the enormously difficult task of "re-inventing" our lives that no longer include the physical presence of our companions, and this is both a physically and emotionally painful and daunting task. The good news is that your beloved Sweetie is forever in your heart and your memories. The love bond you share with your beloved Sweetie is eternal - - it is not dependent upon the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sweetie's sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of you - - she is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Merlin, thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Sweetie with us. I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling. This grief journey can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. One of the many things important for you to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, merlin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Merlin, I am so sorry to hear about your Sweetie. I truly believe that our pets go to Heaven and their broken bodies are restored. I know that you are hurting... Just remember that you are not alone. I wish you peace and blessings. Jennifer in Texas.

Your not alone i know how you feel
i put my cat to sleep monday nd the pain is still fresh
i feel like my life is gone without her
i would say it gets better in time but so far i havent felt tha yet
nd all i could say is im sry for ur lost

Thank you moon_beam, Snicky's Mom, and EvEf for your kind words of comfort and support. While there is nothing anyone can truly say right now to make me feel better, it does help a little just to know someone is listening and understands how I feel.

EvEf, I am very sorry for the loss of your cat. I am sure you are grieving too as that is just a few days ago. You are kind to take the time to respond to my post during this time of your own loss and grieving. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain because I know just how horriblle this feels.

The thing I can't get out of my mind is wondering whether if we had found the cancer sooner, it would have made a difference. When I first noticed Sweetie limping, it was 8/1. I took her to her regular vet the next day and he did what I imagine is probably standard practice (but I don't know). He took the conservative approach because it was such a slight limp he couldn't even see it. He put her on an NSAID and said let's just wait and see if she responds. He said while it could be something more serious requiring more significant testing, it most likely was arthritis or something of that nature. She responded to the NSAID but developed side effects so we started bi-weekly accupuncture and for the most part, her limping and any accompanying pain was kept in check. But then 2 months later she started having episodes, sporadic at first, where she would be in really bad pain, limping on her back left leg and unable to put the leg down. I took her to the emergency clinic and they did an x-ray which showed no problems - no arthritis, no degeneration, no lesions. I didn't know at the time but it was misread. We continued with the accupuncture and after a couple more of her "episodes" I took her to a specialist who, also not witnessing the symptoms first hand, speculated it was probably a pinched nerve and suggested a CT scan. Several weeks later I took her for the CT scan and only after the vet who was going to do the CT scan was able to see her do the limping, crying, and leg withholding after she lay there for a while waiting for the test was she properly diagnosed after another series of x-rays was done (they never needed to do the CT scan). By that point, the spinal osteosarcoma was so advanced that her poor little spine had deteriorated and she had only several weeks left. I took her home to "manage" her pain. As I said in my first post, that was a losing battle and finally, on 1/14, I had no choice but to let her go because she couldn't even walk out to the yard to relieve herself. Still, she was such a sweet girl, she was smiling and kissing me to the very end. I'm tortured by the thought that maybe if we had found it sooner, we might have been able to do something -- anything -- to treat it and she would still be with me today.

I'm going to try to upload a picture of my beautiful girl. Hopefully it will work and you can see her. She was so beautiful almost everywhere we went strangers would stop me to comment on her and all the neighborhood children would run up to pet her when they saw her. She was gentle and loving with everyone.

Merlin,
although nothing anyone says on here can take the pain away that you are feeling right now, all of us know how you are feeling. I am still feeling it for my Max everyday. I truly believe that Sweetie is over the Rainbow Bridge playing with all of her furry friends. I'm sure my Max is there with her running around. Please try and not feel guilty as I am sure that you did everything that you could for her. Grieve as much as you need to and never let anyone tell you when to stop but, please try and avoid the guilt. You obviously loved her and took good care of her. There is plenty of support on this site anytime you need it.

Hi, merlin, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you comfort about not having an earlier confirmed diagnosis of the cancer. I am not a veterinarian or a licensed vet tech. But from first hand experience as a furchild caregiver I do so understand your questions about this, and as a furchild caregiver who has had two furkids succumb to different cancers I can honestly tell you that an "earlier" diagnosis would not have made a major difference. The symptoms in the beginning are usually very non-specific, as the case with your beloved Sweetie, and early tests usually do not offer much insight. Hence, the "conservative" approach to treatments. By the time the symptoms become more pronounced and a confirmed diagnosis can be made, the cancer has progressed to the point of either requiring MAJOR medical intervention for "life at all cost" measures - - or giving our precious companions quality comfort measures until it is time to release them from their phsical body so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I hope and pray that you will be able to find peace in your heart that you ALWAYS did the very best for your beloved Sweetie at all times and in all circumstances with the information that was available to you at the moment. Your beloved Sweetie knows that you ALWAYS did the very best you could to give her a healthy and happy earthly journey, and that you would have walked through hot roiling lava or over hot burning coals to do it. So please let your heart be at peace, merlin.

Merlin, I hope today is being kind to you. Thank you so very much for sharing a picture of your beloved Sweetie with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, merlin, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Mario and moon_beam. It is so very hard not to ask the what-if questions. I guess it is just human nature. More than anything else during this early grief, I just keep thinking, I want her back, I wish she was still here. The next logical extension to that is to think maybe if we had found the cancer sooner, we might have been able to treat it and she actually WOULD still be here. I know intellectually it is a pointless exercise, but it is hard not to engage myself in it because I just miss her so very much. I know I did all I could do for her. I do truly believe that. But I just miss her. There's no getting around it. As I wrote in my reply to Mario's thread, I found Mario's wife, Bernice's dream to be very comforting. I am somewhat of a spiritual person by nature and always have been but I have found my faith to be a little bit tested over the last several weeks. Maybe I'm just angry that Sweetie has been taken from me so cruelly. It was tremendously comforting to me to have Mario relate the dream of Bernice's Max meeting Mario's Max to help him across the Bridge. I really want to believe that there is some kind of an afterlife and we will one day see our furchildren again. To me, it is the only thing that makes losing them bearable. If I didn't think I would see Sweetie, and all the other dogs I've lost, again one day, I truly don't know if I could process my grief to be able to function and go forward in my life. They are that important to me. These are early days and it's going to take some time. Having been through this 5 times before, I know that this raw grief that I'm feeling will eventually abate. I will learn to live without Sweetie and the happy memories will move to the forefront of my heart to take the place of all this pain. I also know that it takes a while for that to happen. Sweetie was a very special girl and I think it will take me some time before this bone crushing grief lets go of my heart. I'm so grateful for every word of comfort and support here. It helps to know that others understand what feels a bit like insanity. Thank you.

Merlin,
I also used to struggle with the fact that once our beloved pets leave us on this earth that it was final. I used to tell my wife (before my Max passed) that I find it hard to believe that God would alllow something so precious in my life to just die someday and all that was left was memories. I do not have any children so Max literally was like my child. Everybody has there own opinions and beliefs in the afterlife but mine is that I have to earn my way through heavens gates first before I have any chance of seeing my Max. I know he is there though. My wife's dream was very real and the fact that she never even heard of the Rainbow Bridge was beyond proof for me. She is a very honest person so please have faith. There are several quotes in the bible that tell us that animals do indeed go to heaven so all any of us can do is have faith. I know mine is very strong and I hope that yours eventually gets strong too.

Merlin

I am so sorry for your loss. My dream brought me comfort for many reasons. First, my Max was a rescue and in life he was afraid of everything. I was his protector from a world he did not understand. He got sick and the vet kept him for a few days to run test, she called me to tell me that he had a string that wrapped around his intestines and there was no way to save him. She felt that as he was already asleep from the surgery the most human thing I could do was let him die peacefully. I never got to say goodbye and I was shattered.
When I met Mario he already had Max. I fell in love with him. When he got sick Mario and I hoped for the best yet we knew in our hearts it was serious. There is no easy way to say goodbye to your best friend and companion. There are no buttons to push to stop the pain. Everybody grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. Mario is where you are , the advice I give him is to allow yourself to feel your grief. Talk about it, write about it allow yourself to feel it as your pain is real. You are not crazy.
My dream was so powerful because as a Christian I only want to get to heaven to see Christ lol. Mario also a Christian needed to know if our loving God would allow him to see our baby again. I in my conscious mind have NEVER heard of the Rainbow Bridge. To see my Max so brave that he was able to come get our Max (who hated other dogs in life) and watch them walk together to this beautiful place showed me that yes; we will see our amazing pets on the other side. God knew I did not believe this until my dream. The comfort I felt has allowed me the strength to help my loving husband on this painful journey.
We always second guess ourselves and ask what if? I believe if we find something to feel guilty about it hurts more and that is what we believe we deserve to feel. All of us on this site were GREAT pet owners or we would not need to find comfort for our broken hearts. Find comfort that she was loving you in the end as our baby was the same way, I believe they are telling us they understand and it is okay to let them go because the place they are going has no pain.
Keep the faith and keep sharing
Bernice

Thank you Bernice and Mario,

Like you, Sweetie was a child to me. I live alone and no longer work. Sweetie's needs and schedule dictated my life and schedule. Even above and beyond the deep emotional attachment I have with her -- which I am missing more than I can possibly say -- I am completely lost without her. I literally have no purpose, no reason to get up and nothing to do once I do. When she was here, it seemed like the days went so quickly as we moved from one thing to the next - walks, meals, playtime, and fitting in my own errands, chores and downtime in between all of it. Life was so happy. My life was complete. Moon_beam said something in her first post about being forced to learn how to reinvent my life now that Sweetie has left and I'm not sure how literally she intended that but in my case, I have to reinvent my entire life. I don't know who I am without Sweetie. Naturally, I will eventually get another dog, not to replace her but because I have had dogs for the past 30 years and they are as much a part of my life as breathing, but it is much too soon and I couldn't do any good service to another animal now. I just feel completely upended. Sweetie and I lived in perfect harmony and it's like I've lost half of myself. It is surely comforting to know she has gone on to a better place. I just wish she didn't have to go so soon.

I'm going to try posting another picture of her below using another method. My first picture was so small you can hardly see her. Hopefully this one will be larger. Thanks again for the continued support and I hope you both are also feeling better as you continue to deal with the loss of your Max.

Hi merlin96

I would just like to say how sorry I am for your loss. It is amazing how much an animal can teach you in so little time and how much love you find giving them in so little time. I believe even though my Chewy was only with me 3 and a half years he is the one responsible for who I am today and has taught me to truly love. I am sure this is the same for you.

I can't really say much in the way of advice as I am still myself grieving for my loss but the people on this website are brilliant and seem to always be there when we just need someone to talk to.

I will say one thing though....in my first week I spent hours on my laptop just looking at websites on how to deal with coping with losing a pet.....I do hate that word I think of mine more as children. One lady who had been talking about her loss said that although she still grieves now she tries to think about all the things she did without her loved one for example cooking, going for walks and meeting up with friends which she all did without her little friend. I know it's hard at the moment to do anything except cry and I am still struggling with this but what the woman said is true. There are plenty of things I'm sure without realising we did without our little ones although we don't like to think about it.

I'm sorry I hope that makes sense.

xxForeverxx

Thank you so much Forever for you kind words of support. It means so much to have other people who truly understand how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in a desert of grief, alone and suffering, and all around me life is going on as normal but I just can't participate in it because the biggest part of my life is gone. Sweetie was the biggest part of my life. To some people, that might sound pathetic that my life revolved around my dog, but it did. We were so bonded and lived in perfect harmony. From the time I got up to the time I went to sleep, everything I did was done with her in mind and my entire schedule revolved around her. Our days were so wonderful together. We spent all of our time together, I took her everywhere with me that I could and spent most of my time at home with her. We had a beautiful life. Now that she is gone, I am truly lost. It is going to take me a lot of time to figure out who I am, who I am going to be, without her physical presence in my life. I am so resistant to this notion right now because the truth is I don't want to be without her physical presence. It's a rough road ahead I see for myself. I don't want to make it any harder than it has to be but I can't deny how I feel either. Thanks for being here for me. -- Sweetie's Mom

Hi, merlin, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please know that the earthly journey you and your bleoved Sweetie shared is beautiful. No one here will ever imply, infer, or say outright to you that it was "pathetic." Anyone who does imply, infer, or say this outright to you, in my opinion, needs to be avoided for they are only adding to your sorrow and grief, which is something that you do not need.

In the deep grief, it is very, very hard to even "imagine" our lives having any meaning with the physical absence of our beloved companions. May I offer you my sincerest support and encouragement for you to just take one day at a time. Unless there is a dire emergency there is no need to make "life changing" decisions now. Just focus on doing what helps you - - and please remember we are always here for you.

Thank you for sharing with us how you're doing, merlin. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how things are going for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon_beam. I did not feel that anyone here was suggesting I was pathetic. I do, however, feel, in general that it must appear to the world that I must be. I literally have no life without my beautiful girl and am stuck scratching my head trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. I was never more content than the last 3 years with Sweetie and the life that I built with her was so happy. It is such a loss and I truly feel like I have nothing without her. To try to plan things to fill my days just feels likes such mundane, unimportant, meaningless activities. Just things to keep me busy. It hurts that the thing that really meant something to me has been taken away from me. I just feel really lost. I don't know what to do.

Today is one week that Sweetie has gone. Last week at this time she was still here but in a lot of pain, unable to get up and go out and in a few more hours, I took her to the vet and released her. This week went fast and at the same time, crawled at a snail's pace.

I feel so angry. Last night into this morning, we had our first snow fall. Not a very heavy one - maybe an inch or a little more. Standing outside in my yard very early this morning, watching the snow fall, all I could think about was how much Sweetie would love to be out there, romping around in the snow. She loved snow. She loved everything. She loved life. Why was it taken from her? I just don't understand. She was such a good girl. She never did anything wrong in her whole life. I just want to scream, to hit something. She had so many more years left to live and she should have gotten to live them. I feel so very angry and I don't even know who to feel angry at. I just miss her so much.

Merlin, I am sorry that you are feeling all of these emotions. We had our first snow fall where I am too (NJ) and was thinking the same thing. I dont have the anger emotion but I certainly understand it. Sometimes it just seems so unbearable and hard to accept that our babies are no longer on this earth. I go through so many phases of shock, sadness and loneliness. Just know that you are not alone. Hang in there Merlin.

Thank you so much Mario. I am feeling a bit better now, strangely enough, now that the actual hour that she left me is past. At around 11:15 a.m. last week was when I held her while her spirit left her body and for some reason now that we are past that time, I'm not feeling quite so upset, although obviously I still have a tremendously long way to go. All week I've been playing that game of looking back and saying "last week at this time...." and now that I'm past the one week mark, it becomes harder to do that. Maybe in some way I felt like I could go back in time and change my actions and now I can't. I don't know. This whole thing is just terrible and I hate it, but grieving is not linear and we just have to go minute by minute I suppose.

I hope you and Bernice are feeling better as well. I know the snow is hard for those of us who had dogs that loved to go out and play in it. Everything is a memory and landmines are everwhere! Much love and peace to you both and Diesel too.

Hi, merlin, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately the "this time last week" is a part of this very painful grief adjustment journey. You are so right when you say this grief journey is not a straight line. There are many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - sometimes when we least expect them - - sometimes when we think we have come through the worst and darkest moments. It truly is a one day at a time journey, and one that you will never have to travel alone for each of us are here for you.

I hope you will have a peaceful evening, merlin, blessed with your beloved Sweetie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Sweetie with us. She looks so happy in the picture you shared with us on January 18. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, merlin, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Merlin, its scary how you sound SO much like me. I went through the same thing the first week and still count everyday. Today is day 24 for me and I look forward to the day when I stop counting. When it was day 6 I would say 7 days ago he was still with me, day 7 I would say 8 days agp he was still with me and so on and so on. Believe me I know how you feel and I'm sure its normal for people like us who adored our precious companions. Like I said before, just know you are not alone and that myself and many others feel your pain. Take care and hang in there.