My Little Baby Girl

Hi everyone,

I'm having a hard couple of days. I lost my precious little furbaby Fiona a few months ago. I grieved for a few weeks and thought I was slowly getting better. But the last few days have been very difficult. I just miss her so much it's nearly unbearable.

She was my constant companion. I work from home so I spent more time with her than with friends or family. She was with me after my wife left me and helped guide me through that grief. She was my companion for nearly 12 years, both during and after my marriage. This may sound strange to many people, but in many ways she was my soulmate. I preferred her company and was closer to her than to all others.

She was always so healthy and feisty and even at sixteen years old would dart around my apartment at full speed. She would lay on my desk while I worked. I would take her out on walks with a harness and leash. She was my little furry shadow, following me from room to room. She only wanted to be near me. The feeling was mutual.

These past couple of days the memory of her has been intense. I can't seem to stop crying. I see her everywhere. I walk up to the places she slept and imagine her still there and try to pet her ghost. I slept with a photo of her beside me last night. I hope all this just doesn't sound too weird to people. I realize it might.

I can't imagine my life without her. It just doesn't seem possible that I can ever find happiness or meaning without her in my life. I feel like any little moment of happiness I experience now somehow insults her memory. I just want her back to badly.

There's also the guilt. It eats at me. When she became ill I postponed the vet because she hated it so much. I thought the stress would be worse for her. But after she started losing weight and was no longer eating I took her to 3 different vets, all of whom gave her a cursory exam and blood work (which showed nothing out of the ordinary). All in all there were at least half a dozen vet visits and an equal amount of prescriptions. Nothing helped. After 5 weeks she was so weak she barely moved from the kitchen floor. I would lay with her on the floor and try to coax her into eating something. One day I noticed her belly extremely bloated. I thought it was gas so I took her to the vet one last time thinking the vet would prescribe something for bloating but instead she immediately told me her abdomen was filled with fluids and she recommended euthanasia. I couldn't go through with it though. I brought her home and after hours of agonizing I decided I didn't want her to suffer any longer. So I called an end-of-life vet who came to my home. The few hours between making the phone call and when she showed up to the door were agonizing. I nearly backed out of my decision as I lay on the kitchen floor with my little baby. The in-home vet gently examined her and confirmed the original vet's diagnosis. She let me take my time saying goodbye and ultimately she passed in my arms as I sobbed over her.

Even now I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder if I should have tried harder. Given her more medicine. Taken her to the vet for more tests. Waited a few more days to see if she improved. I just couldn't bear to see her suffering. But the guilt and regret is eating away at me. What if a different decision meant that she would right now be sitting with me? I'm crying on my keyboard as I type this. I don't know how to make the pain stop.

I'm sorry this was such a long post. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.

John