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> My Sweet Wolfie Is Gone And I'm Devastated
Chandanimane
post Nov 1 2012, 08:27 AM
Post #21





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 42
Joined: 16-October 12
From: Maryland
Member No.: 7,795



Wow, Kelly, what a beautiful dog. I can see it in his face how special he was, and he still is because his spirit lives on with you.

The what if that you speak of is an acutely painful one. We can acknowledge it as such and agree that you probably wouldn’t be the only one to think that way if the same thing happened to them. If it were me, there would probably be a part of me that would also say to myself, hey, you’re not perfect, there’s no way that you could have possibly known, and maybe I’m wrong, maybe my pet wasn’t saying that. Maybe that was just my interpretation of it. There would also be a part of me that would realize I would have to forgive myself. Then I might think, dogs are so much more accepting and forgiving than humans are. If I have the capacity to forgive myself, don’t I think my pet would forgive me sooner and more easily? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but our perceptions can really make the difference.

I went through the same thoughts as you last night when the trick or treaters came to our door. In a way, I was glad that she wasn’t around to get alarmed or upset. The same goes for Hurricane Sandy. I was glad that she wasn’t there to become afraid from it. Oh, and another thing happened to me this morning. On the first of every month, I’ve been giving my dogs heartworm medication. I looked at the calendar, saw that it’s Nov. 1st, instantaneously thought that I need to give heartworm medication this evening, then realized that this is the first time in 23 years I don’t have to give a dog heartworm medication. I knew there were going to be firsts, but I was blindsided by that one. Those moments come up at you at the most unlikely times.

I do believe that even though we can’t see our pets in the physical sense, they are still with us inside our heads and hearts, that they will forever be with us in the spiritual sense of the word. When we walk out that door and face the real world, going about our daily lives, we’re not suddenly left abandoned and alone. They are still with us, encouraging us to be the best we can be and to pursue happiness. That is what they would want for us. The fact that you’re trying to be a better person already shows what he is doing for you. Keep taking him with you wherever you go. The world won’t be dark with him shining a light for you.

I hope the day will get better for you. Thank you for posting those pictures. He really is a gorgeous boy.

Hugs,

Laura
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Kellyt
post Nov 1 2012, 09:38 AM
Post #22





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



Thank you so much, Laura. He sure is striking and gorgeous, isn't he? Is that your Zena in your profile picture? Simply beautiful. We adopted Wolfie in 2008, after I received an email from a rescue contact about him. He was in a shelter in Ohio, and had been for five months. He was beginning to deteriorate and become very depressed, and they decided it was time to...(I can't even type the words) The shelter volunteer was pleading for Wolfie, asking someone to save him, as he was such a special boy. Of course, I was immediately drawn to him, and now I can see why even more clearly. He was meant for us, a special and priceless gift. The funny thing is we weren't even looking to adopt a dog. He just found his way to us. My amazing and incredible boy, sweet spirit. My only thought was, we have to save this boy. He can't go like that.
Well, once we agreed to take him without ever having met him, we began to have second thoughts right away. Are we crazy?? We've never had a dog before-can we handle the responsibility?? What will he be like?? We decided that we would foster Wolfie instead, just to give us some protection in case things didn't work out. HA!! Within about a second of meeting him we knew we were adopting him.
June 28, 2008- we drove about an hour to meet Wolfie in NJ. He was transported from the shelter all the way to NJ by volunteers who all lovingly agreed to take a leg of the journey to help get him to us. I found out later that more than one driver was brought to tears having met this beauty and having helped play a part in getting him to his forever home. Meeting him was surreal. Wolfie was so desperate to bond with someone that he grew very attached to the most current driver he met, so he was attached to the person who brought him to NJ. We had to coax him into the car, and he seemed a little unsure. Mike, my husband, drove, while Wolfie sat in the back of our truck, with me in the middle seat, petting and reassuring him. A thunderstorm hit, and I climbed into the back with him to help soothe him. (As time passed he seemed to grow more and more afraid of storms. I just bought him a thunder shirt this year, and it did help. He looked so cute in it.) Once we arrived home, it was time to test him with the cats. They were not pleased with him at all, but as the shelter volunteer said he would be, he was fine with them. Wolfie was always so tolerant of the cats. He let them use his bed, drink his water (I saw him wait one time for our Mama cat to finish drinking before he went to drink out of his bowl.) Just the most sweet and sensitive creature I have EVER met. Everyone who knew him agrees.
Oh wow Laura, if you're still reading this, sorry I just rambled on like that!!!!! If you're not still reading I understand. I definitely need to start journaling and writing about Wolfie's story. I think while painful, it will be therapeutic.

Thank you for your thoughts about my what ifs. So very helpful to think about it in terms of perceptions. That one interpretation of why he lifted his head may be totally off, and I truly hope it is. Not knowing is one of the hardest things, but I guess then I can choose to believe that, like you wrote, we had no idea, and even if he was trying to tell us something, he knows without a doubt that we love him with all our hearts and that we did what we thought was best, given what we were told by the vet.



I too gave heartworm meds at the beginning of the month. So sorry you were blindsided by it; so understandable after 23 years. Such a long history of caring for your precious babies. So many years of what I'm sure are wonderful memories and oh so much love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for reminding me that, on Monday morning, while he may not be in the window to see me off, he will still be with me.

Hugs to you,
Kelly
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Kellyt
post Nov 1 2012, 09:40 AM
Post #23





Group: Pet Lovers
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Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
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These photos help show just how special he is...kissing our foster kitten goodbye, and giving up his bed for our kitty Nappy. My sweet baby.
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moon_beam
post Nov 1 2012, 11:00 AM
Post #24


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Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful pictures of your beloved Wolfie with his family member Nappy and foster kitty. These pictures bring a huge smile to my face and heart because I know how much you treasure them, and they also remind me so much of my beloved Black Lab Oslo who joined the angels Thanksgiving weekend 2009 at 15 years and 2 weeks of age. I so relate to your beloved Wolfie's tender heart.

And I so understand the brokenness you are feeling in your deep sorrow just wanting him back. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions touch us, lick / kiss us, rub against us they are chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, our bodies go through a literal withdrawal from their physical contact with us, which is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so very painful both emotionally and physically.

I truly wish there were an easier way to travel through this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately I do not know of one. Each journey is individual because each relationship we have with each of our companions is individual. I know I stress this in many of my responses but it is vitally important that you know you are not alone in your grief journey. Grieving can make a person feel very isolated, alone, abandoned - - even when they are among other people. Please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey, Kelly - - we are here to share the not so bad days, the more challenging days, and the days when you feel your heart cannot bear the burden of sorrow any longer.

As for today, Kelly, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Kellyt
post Nov 1 2012, 09:32 PM
Post #25





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



moon_beam,
Thank you so very much for your continued responses to my posts. I so appreciate your support during this incredibly painful time. Thank you for sharing that Wolfie's sweet pictures reminded you of your beloved Oslo's sweetness. I'll bet he has brought you so many beautiful memories and love. Thank you also for explaining the reasons behind my "withdrawal"-that is really what it feels like.
Today was a rough day. I've been trying to tell myself that this is a roller coaster and to not be too afraid of the grief, but I still am so afraid of being swallowed up by it. I'm feeling drained and just so desperate for some relief from the roller coaster. On top of that, the horrific conditions around here in the wake of the storm make me feel guilty for my mourning, and also make me want Wolfie here that much more, as you naturally want loved ones physically close to you during times of tragedy. Then add to that the fact that I have a seemingly unending loop of the song Time in a Bottle going through my mind today, as I heard it on a grief website yesterday. Makes for a rough day.

This forum is really helping to ease the pain though, and I am incredibly grateful for your kind words. Although I wish none of us had to go through this, knowing that I'm not alone in my grief is tremendously helpful.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs,
Kelly
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Kellyt
post Nov 2 2012, 12:31 AM
Post #26





Group: Pet Lovers
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Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
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Missing Wolfie so badly. This is so hard. Feeling so raw, exhausted, and ready to wake up from this nightmare. Wake me up. Sorry to be dark, but this is where I am right now. I love you, Wolfie, with every fiber of my being. Please help me sweetheart.
I love you greener than the grass, bluer than the sky, brighter than a million suns. You are and always will be my sunshine. xoxoxoxoxo
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Pippin's Mom Kel
post Nov 2 2012, 03:59 AM
Post #27





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From: Massachusetts
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QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 2 2012, 01:31 AM) *
Missing Wolfie so badly. This is so hard. Feeling so raw, exhausted, and ready to wake up from this nightmare. Wake me up. Sorry to be dark, but this is where I am right now. I love you, Wolfie, with every fiber of my being. Please help me sweetheart.
I love you greener than the grass, bluer than the sky, brighter than a million suns. You are and always will be my sunshine. xoxoxoxoxo



It's ok to be dark, Kelly. And it's ok to be raw and exhausted - of course you are. Grieving is hard work. It really is. I wish so very much that this were a nightmare from which you'd wake; it seems unfair that it's not, doesn't it?

I loved seeing the pictures of your Wolfie with the kitten - what a huge heart he must have had!

Please try to take care of yourself right now. Try to make sure you eat. Get some sleep, even if you have to take tylenol PM or something (I suggest asking a pharmacist for recommendations). Make sure you're hydrating yourself. All of these things are so hard to do in the depths of grief (and believe me, I know - I was deeply depressed after losing my father unexpectedly), but it's so important to try to do them; if your body's physical needs aren't being met, I think you'll find that your emotional and spiritual state will be so, so much worse. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a nice, snuggly blanket right now!

Hang in there. It always hurts, but the grief becomes less raw. I'm off to bed, after working until 3 AM (or I'd try to find more to say), but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.


--------------------

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that, in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
- Kahlil Gibran
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Chandanimane
post Nov 2 2012, 06:39 AM
Post #28





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 42
Joined: 16-October 12
From: Maryland
Member No.: 7,795



Hi Kelly,

Oh no, don’t think you’re rambling at all! I enjoy hearing about his story. The more you tell us about his background, the better we can get to know him and see what made him so special. He went through quite the adventure, traveling from one place to another and meeting different people along the way. It sounds like he was the kind of dog who could endear everyone to him. Not just humans, but cats too. biggrin.gif You took some stunning pictures of him that you are fortunate to have and to be able to look back on. It shows in his eyes how much he loves you and how far from the depressed pup he was before you saved him.

The picture for my avatar is an old one of Zeus and Zena when she was a very little puppy. Zeus was the Alaskan Malamute/ Belgian Shepherd mix who I had to put down in June. That is another factor that is making this so hard, that I had to put him down in June and her in October. He had been with us for 12 years, and she had been with us for 11 years. I posted a recent picture of Zena in another thread, which I’ll put here along with another one of Zeus:





I’m really missing them both. It’s interesting, I had two dreams about him so far and only one of Zena, and both dreams were about a few seconds long. I wouldn’t mind having some more of them.

I'm sorry about the weight of the grief you're feeling right now. Just keep on talking through it. We're here to help and to sympathize and to keep reminding you that you're not alone.

Hugs,

Laura


QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 1 2012, 10:38 AM) *
Thank you so much, Laura. He sure is striking and gorgeous, isn't he? Is that your Zena in your profile picture? Simply beautiful. We adopted Wolfie in 2008, after I received an email from a rescue contact about him. He was in a shelter in Ohio, and had been for five months. He was beginning to deteriorate and become very depressed, and they decided it was time to...(I can't even type the words) The shelter volunteer was pleading for Wolfie, asking someone to save him, as he was such a special boy. Of course, I was immediately drawn to him, and now I can see why even more clearly. He was meant for us, a special and priceless gift. The funny thing is we weren't even looking to adopt a dog. He just found his way to us. My amazing and incredible boy, sweet spirit. My only thought was, we have to save this boy. He can't go like that.
Well, once we agreed to take him without ever having met him, we began to have second thoughts right away. Are we crazy?? We've never had a dog before-can we handle the responsibility?? What will he be like?? We decided that we would foster Wolfie instead, just to give us some protection in case things didn't work out. HA!! Within about a second of meeting him we knew we were adopting him.
June 28, 2008- we drove about an hour to meet Wolfie in NJ. He was transported from the shelter all the way to NJ by volunteers who all lovingly agreed to take a leg of the journey to help get him to us. I found out later that more than one driver was brought to tears having met this beauty and having helped play a part in getting him to his forever home. Meeting him was surreal. Wolfie was so desperate to bond with someone that he grew very attached to the most current driver he met, so he was attached to the person who brought him to NJ. We had to coax him into the car, and he seemed a little unsure. Mike, my husband, drove, while Wolfie sat in the back of our truck, with me in the middle seat, petting and reassuring him. A thunderstorm hit, and I climbed into the back with him to help soothe him. (As time passed he seemed to grow more and more afraid of storms. I just bought him a thunder shirt this year, and it did help. He looked so cute in it.) Once we arrived home, it was time to test him with the cats. They were not pleased with him at all, but as the shelter volunteer said he would be, he was fine with them. Wolfie was always so tolerant of the cats. He let them use his bed, drink his water (I saw him wait one time for our Mama cat to finish drinking before he went to drink out of his bowl.) Just the most sweet and sensitive creature I have EVER met. Everyone who knew him agrees.
Oh wow Laura, if you're still reading this, sorry I just rambled on like that!!!!! If you're not still reading I understand. I definitely need to start journaling and writing about Wolfie's story. I think while painful, it will be therapeutic.

Thank you for your thoughts about my what ifs. So very helpful to think about it in terms of perceptions. That one interpretation of why he lifted his head may be totally off, and I truly hope it is. Not knowing is one of the hardest things, but I guess then I can choose to believe that, like you wrote, we had no idea, and even if he was trying to tell us something, he knows without a doubt that we love him with all our hearts and that we did what we thought was best, given what we were told by the vet.



I too gave heartworm meds at the beginning of the month. So sorry you were blindsided by it; so understandable after 23 years. Such a long history of caring for your precious babies. So many years of what I'm sure are wonderful memories and oh so much love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for reminding me that, on Monday morning, while he may not be in the window to see me off, he will still be with me.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

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moon_beam
post Nov 2 2012, 11:51 AM
Post #29


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Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "On top of that, the horrific conditions around here in the wake of the storm make me feel guilty for my mourning, and also make me want Wolfie here that much more, as you naturally want loved ones physically close to you during times of tragedy." For different traumatic events in my life, I know what it is like to be mourning a devastating loss while still observing others who were enduring more extensive pain and suffering than I. I learned through this experience that I had a right to grieve my loss and no one had the right to diminish it regardless of other circumstances for other people. So please do not feel guilty about grieving the physical loss of your beloved Wolfie, Kelly. You have the right to grieve, and you have the right to your feelings, and you are entitled to having your feelings validated and to be comforted through your grief adjustment journey.

I also understand your concern about being swallowed up by this deep seering grief. This, too, is a very normal part of this grief journey. Nothing is the same in your life - - nor will it be. It is agonizingly painful to face each day right now having to adjust your daily routines that no longer include the physical needs of your beloved Wolfie. You are enduring the process of having to establish a "new normal" - - to literally re-define your life - - without your beloved Wolfie's sweet precious physical presence. But I promise you, Kelly, you will endure through your sorrow, and one day when you least expect it you will find yourself feeling a little stronger, you will begin to find a new "energy" to the days, and your heart will find a renewed joy when you think of your beloved Wolfie. And this is what your beloved Wolfie wants for you - - as he is with you now gently guiding you with his eternal love to the point in time when this will happen for you. But it is just going to take time, Kelly - - one day at a time in your own way and in your own time. With your beloved Wolfie's eternal love always with you, and with each of us here for you, my hope is that you will not be so afraid.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Kellyt
post Nov 2 2012, 01:30 PM
Post #30





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



[quote name='Pippin's Mom Kel' date='Nov 2 2012, 04:59 AM' post='75039']
It's ok to be dark, Kelly. And it's ok to be raw and exhausted - of course you are. Grieving is hard work. It really is. I wish so very much that this were a nightmare from which you'd wake; it seems unfair that it's not, doesn't it?

I loved seeing the pictures of your Wolfie with the kitten - what a huge heart he must have had!

Please try to take care of yourself right now. Try to make sure you eat. Get some sleep, even if you have to take tylenol PM or something (I suggest asking a pharmacist for recommendations). Make sure you're hydrating yourself. All of these things are so hard to do in the depths of grief (and believe me, I know - I was deeply depressed after losing my father unexpectedly), but it's so important to try to do them; if your body's physical needs aren't being met, I think you'll find that your emotional and spiritual state will be so, so much worse. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a nice, snuggly blanket right now!

Hang in there. It always hurts, but the grief becomes less raw. I'm off to bed, after working until 3 AM (or I'd try to find more to say), but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.


Pippin's Mom Kel,
Thank you so so much for your beautiful, kind words and advice. Reading your post was very comforting. You are so right...I need to try to take care of myself right now. I'm trying to nourish myself physically a bit more today. It definitely is hard, because it sometimes doesn't occur to me to eat, but I really like what you wrote about how it will help my emotional and spiritual state. Something I probably would have thought of during "normal" times, but so easy to overlook when grief is so acute.
Thank you most of all for the reminder that I'm not alone. I appreciate that so very much.

-Kelly
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kaylasmom
post Nov 2 2012, 01:41 PM
Post #31





Group: Pet Lovers
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Joined: 10-May 11
From: maryland
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Hi Kellyt,
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Wolfie. I too lost a baby on the 29th, a 13 year old cat named Tyler. Know that you are among friends here on LS.
Shelby
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Kellyt
post Nov 2 2012, 02:43 PM
Post #32





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



Dear Laura,
Thank you for your super kind words about Wolfie. He really was the kind of dog who drew people to him, even self-professed non-dog lovers. Just a gem.
Thank you for sharing your precious Zeus and Zena. They are just beautiful. I love the way Zeus is looking at the camera...you can so see the love in his eyes. The expression in his eyes reminds me of Wolfie smile.gif I'm so terribly sorry that they passed on within months of each other. My heart goes out to you. I hope both of your babies visit you soon...I think they will. Hopefully Wolfie will visit me too. My mom told me that while she and my dad were listening to soothing music the other day, having lit a candle and having a sort of quiet time in remembrance of Wolfie, they saw two mourning doves sitting in a tree outside their window. They stayed for awhile, and before they flew away, the clouds opened up and rays of sun shone down on the birds. My mom instantly knew that was Wolfie shining down on mike and me. I just wish I was there to witness it.

Thank you so very very much for your support and the reminders to talk it out, and for letting me know that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful. So grateful.

Hugs to you,
Kelly
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Kellyt
post Nov 2 2012, 04:18 PM
Post #33





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



Dear Shelby,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for your kind words. The support on this forum has been amazing.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

-Kelly


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Kellyt
post Nov 2 2012, 11:13 PM
Post #34





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 71
Joined: 29-October 12
From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



Dear moon_beam,
Thank you so much for your comforting words. They are like a blanket that I can wrap around myself during times when the suffering is so great and the loneliness is overwhelming. To say that I'm glad to have found this forum is an understatement.
Today was slightly better. I left the house for several appointments throughout the day, and while it was good to leave the house for a bit, i found that to be just enough. Any more would have been a lot to handle. I'm fortunate to have had some time off from work (for terrible reasons-hurricane sandy), and that has given me some time to grieve and begin to process everything.
I originally planned to throw myself into all kinds of mourning "activities" this week to help me cope, and out of fear that once I return to work, I won't have any energy left at the end of the day and week to devote to projects like planting a tree, starting a scrapbook, choosing some type of urn, buying a box for Wolfie's belongings, and having a little ceremony of some sort to memorialize him. I feel a little anxious that it's almost Saturday, and I haven't really done much. I know I need to be gentle with myself right now, and that the projects can happen over time. It's the old guilt thing again. Perhaps it's best to try and remember the lessons I've learned from precious Wolfie, like to slow down, breathe, and be kind to myself. He knows I want these things to happen, and that they will, in time.
Off I go on a tangent again...thank you again for everything. I am extremely grateful.
Wishing you and Noah a wonderful weekend,
Kelly
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Kellyt
post Nov 3 2012, 07:44 AM
Post #35





Group: Pet Lovers
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Rough morning. One week ago today was the last full day Wolfie was at home. And I spent it out and about, running errands, going out to dinner with a friend. I came home to hurriedly feed the animals and go back out again. Then once I got home, I took him for a long walk, and since it was late- and we came upon a fox and another creature that was prob a raccoon-I grew nervous and ran home with him. I feel AWFUL for having run him knowing now what was about to happen. Less than an hour later, Wolfie was relaxing on his bed and looked so content. Suddenly he stood up, and I could tell something was off so I let him outside. He got sick, but I thought it was just something minor, like a little bug. He got sick again though, and seemed to be uncomfortable. I thought about taking him to the 24hr vet but decided against it, thinking what kind of care will he get at 2am?? I didn't know. Ignorance on my part. I decided to watch him that night, so I slept in the recliner, which would allow me to keep a better eye on him, vowing to take him if I saw any more distress. He seemed to be ok. The next morning he was worse. I had no idea how bad though. I had to pull him a bit to urge him to walk to the car, and that is killing me right now. Once we got to the car, I had to lift him in because he was so weak. Then once we were at the emergency vet, I again had to coax him to walk inside. Why didn't I ask them to come outside and get him?????? He must have been so weak. The vet said she wasn't able to get a blood pressure reading. That's how bad it was. I know if I had understood just how bad, I would've acted so differently, but I can't fully shake the haunting feeling that I hurt my baby boy, and that he suffered even more because of me. I have no idea how long he was in pain even before that day. Was it an acute situation, or did this build up over time????

My husband woke up angry again yesterday, and decided to visit out regular vet to ask their opinion about what happened. He said the vet seemed a bit surprised about the circumstances leading up to Wolfie's passing, and said that the situation sounded rare, but that of course he would need to get the records before he could know more. We just want to try to get some answers. Even if we never know for sure what happened, we'll at least know we tried. We need to do it for us, and we need to do this for Wolfie.

I know it's futile to think about it, but I can't help wishing that if I can't have him back, that I could at least redo last Saturday. I would have spent every second with him, playing with him, petting and holding him, loving on him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I have to let these feelings out, then I know I also have to let them go. I hope that I can.

Sweet angel Wolfie, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to get help and get better, and I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me. You are the sweetest, most innocent of creatures, and from the depths of my heart and soul, I am so so sorry for the suffering that you endured. I don't know how long you were in pain. My only wish is that I could go back and take it all away.

Actually, I know Wolfie forgives me. I don't think I can forgive myself.
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Chandanimane
post Nov 3 2012, 09:59 AM
Post #36





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Joined: 16-October 12
From: Maryland
Member No.: 7,795



Hi Kelly,

Just so there isn't a continual misunderstanding, Zena is the one looking straight at the camera and Zeus is the one with the very long fur. wink.gif But I appreciate so much what you said about her. It says a lot that she didn't feel threatened by that strange contraption I was pointing at her. I've backed up all of my pictures I have of them on my computer because some of them, especially this one of Zena and others that I have of Zeus, really capture their expressions and I don't want to lose that. I had a mixed blessing last night. I had a dream that I was at the vet with a new dog, a beagle, and it was sitting in the corner of a sofa. Next to it was Zena laying across the rest of the sofa, and I was kneeling down in front of her, facing them. I pet her and said that I wished she were still here with me, but when I looked at her face, she looked very ill, just how she looked before the vet came to our house. It was like she was giving me the message that I did the right thing, that no matter how much we loved each other, it was time to let her go. I think I had that dream because my mother made a comment about whether or not she was going to have another grandchild, meaning my getting another dog, and while I didn't say anything, I kind of felt like she was being premature about it when I'm still grieving over the ones that I lost. The dream may have been acting out how I just wasn't ready. Still, every time I have a dream about my dogs, I'm touching their fur and it feels so real. I hope you have dreams with Wolfie too. They feel like visits, however brief. Perhaps they are.

What a wonderful thing to have happen with your parents. I do believe in signs. This one would tell me that my beloved pet is resting peacefully in heaven, enjoying an existence free from pain, but not forgetting about me either. I think Wolfie was trying to reach out to you and your family and to let you all know that he is doing fine. I sincerely hope you get more of them.

Hugs,

Laura


QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 2 2012, 03:43 PM) *
Dear Laura,
Thank you for your super kind words about Wolfie. He really was the kind of dog who drew people to him, even self-professed non-dog lovers. Just a gem.
Thank you for sharing your precious Zeus and Zena. They are just beautiful. I love the way Zeus is looking at the camera...you can so see the love in his eyes. The expression in his eyes reminds me of Wolfie smile.gif I'm so terribly sorry that they passed on within months of each other. My heart goes out to you. I hope both of your babies visit you soon...I think they will. Hopefully Wolfie will visit me too. My mom told me that while she and my dad were listening to soothing music the other day, having lit a candle and having a sort of quiet time in remembrance of Wolfie, they saw two mourning doves sitting in a tree outside their window. They stayed for awhile, and before they flew away, the clouds opened up and rays of sun shone down on the birds. My mom instantly knew that was Wolfie shining down on mike and me. I just wish I was there to witness it.

Thank you so very very much for your support and the reminders to talk it out, and for letting me know that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful. So grateful.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

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Chandanimane
post Nov 3 2012, 10:04 AM
Post #37





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 42
Joined: 16-October 12
From: Maryland
Member No.: 7,795



Hi Kelly,

I realize my posts tend to get long, but please bear with me since I have two dogs I feel some regret over. With Zeus, he had a lot of health issues at the end. He weighed 106 pounds, had arthritis, had a splint put into his back left leg at the age of 8 because of a torn ligament, and because of that, he couldn't get up on his own. I had to get behind him and wrap my arms under his belly to lift him up. He would pant a lot because of his thick fur, but in the last few months, we would hear some whining with every pant, as if he were in pain. His seizures immediately occurred approximately two weeks apart. The day he went to the vet for the last time, it was two days later than the last seizure. We just knew it was the time. I didn't go because a) I wasn't made up (okay, yes, I am THAT insecure) and b ) because I didn't think I could handle it. I've never had to put down a pet before. My husband and daughter took him up there instead. The very last thing I did was to push him up into the back seat of my small Saturn because he was so big and heavy and he had trouble getting in himself. He whined because of course he couldn't sit comfortably back there, but we had no other mode of transportation. I shoved him in, said goodbye and 'I love you', shut the back door and walked back into the house. I can hardly forgive myself for that still. It's not that I didn't care. My goodness, I did, and I took pictures and a video of him that morning, knowing that it was his last day. I just didn't know what else I could do at the time. I cried when they left and felt horrible. Funny thing is, that very night Zeus visited me in a dream. He came up from behind me on the left, and I could hear his panting. I put my hand into his fur, looked down at him and said, "Thank you for coming back to me." Then I woke up. I know that he forgives me and that he was trying to tell me that he was okay. The hard part is for us to forgive ourselves.

With Zena, it looks like her liver started to fail on Friday night, Oct. 19th. On Saturday morning, I made calls to a few mobile veterinarians who could come out because at that point, she couldn't get up and walk at all, but I discovered that they don't like to work on Saturdays. There was one vet who quoted a price to come out, sedate and euthanize her, transport her back, cremate her and return the ashes. It was like double of another quote I got, so I told him I would call him back, hoping that this other person would call. She never did. During the day, Zena's pain got worse. By that night, she was howling in pain. I frantically called the guy back and told him I would pay it. It took him an hour to come out. I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for taking too long. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we just don't know. We can't predict the future, we can't look inside of them and see what is wrong. We're not perfect. I've found reasons to forgive myself. With Zeus, I already know he forgives me because of his visit. I am forever grateful to him for that. With Zena, when it was finally done, in that very last moment, I saw relief in her eyes. There were still remnants of the pain she had been going through, but I'm pretty sure I saw the relief there. That and the dream I had last night of her is telling me the same thing, that I did the right thing and I did the best that I could, and they know that. Believe me, I understand the guilt. I'm still dealing with it, but we have to realize that we're doing it to ourselves. Every sign I've ever gotten from my dogs has told me that they're not doing it to us.

I hope things get easier for you. Just take one day at a time and look for the signs. They'll be there.

Hugs,

Laura


QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 3 2012, 08:44 AM) *
Rough morning. One week ago today was the last full day Wolfie was at home. And I spent it out and about, running errands, going out to dinner with a friend. I came home to hurriedly feed the animals and go back out again. Then once I got home, I took him for a long walk, and since it was late- and we came upon a fox and another creature that was prob a raccoon-I grew nervous and ran home with him. I feel AWFUL for having run him knowing now what was about to happen. Less than an hour later, Wolfie was relaxing on his bed and looked so content. Suddenly he stood up, and I could tell something was off so I let him outside. He got sick, but I thought it was just something minor, like a little bug. He got sick again though, and seemed to be uncomfortable. I thought about taking him to the 24hr vet but decided against it, thinking what kind of care will he get at 2am?? I didn't know. Ignorance on my part. I decided to watch him that night, so I slept in the recliner, which would allow me to keep a better eye on him, vowing to take him if I saw any more distress. He seemed to be ok. The next morning he was worse. I had no idea how bad though. I had to pull him a bit to urge him to walk to the car, and that is killing me right now. Once we got to the car, I had to lift him in because he was so weak. Then once we were at the emergency vet, I again had to coax him to walk inside. Why didn't I ask them to come outside and get him?????? He must have been so weak. The vet said she wasn't able to get a blood pressure reading. That's how bad it was. I know if I had understood just how bad, I would've acted so differently, but I can't fully shake the haunting feeling that I hurt my baby boy, and that he suffered even more because of me. I have no idea how long he was in pain even before that day. Was it an acute situation, or did this build up over time????.....

Sweet angel Wolfie, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to get help and get better, and I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me. You are the sweetest, most innocent of creatures, and from the depths of my heart and soul, I am so so sorry for the suffering that you endured. I don't know how long you were in pain. My only wish is that I could go back and take it all away.

Actually, I know Wolfie forgives me. I don't think I can forgive myself.

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Pippin's Mom Kel
post Nov 3 2012, 11:06 AM
Post #38





Group: Pet Lovers
Posts: 161
Joined: 5-March 12
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 7,510



Kelly, I'm going to reply in-line, as I can... it looks like you're experiencing the very same guilt each and every one of us does when we lose our beloved friends, especially early and suddenly. Once again, sometimes it takes someone looking in from the outside to help with those feelings.

Rough morning. One week ago today was the last full day Wolfie was at home. And I spent it out and about, running errands, going out to dinner with a friend. I came home to hurriedly feed the animals and go back out again. Then once I got home, I took him for a long walk, and since it was late- and we came upon a fox and another creature that was prob a raccoon-I grew nervous and ran home with him. I feel AWFUL for having run him knowing now what was about to happen
.

Well, let me ask you another question. Did Wolfie enjoy running? Maybe you gave him one last chance to do something he loved. Even if he didn't, how awful would you feel if one of the last things that happened was him getting scared/angry/defensive because of a run in with a wild animal. One of the last things you did with him was what every friend/parent/pet guardian should do - protect him!

Less than an hour later, Wolfie was relaxing on his bed and looked so content. Suddenly he stood up, and I could tell something was off so I let him outside. He got sick, but I thought it was just something minor, like a little bug. He got sick again though, and seemed to be uncomfortable. I thought about taking him to the 24hr vet but decided against it, thinking what kind of care will he get at 2am?? I didn't know. Ignorance on my part.

How could you possibly know what was coming? Animals vomit, and we often accept that's just something they do. Given some of the things I've seen dogs eat, I'd be surprised if they didn't get stomach illness once in a while!! wink.gif And until/unless you've had to bring a pet in for emergency care, it's hard to know what resources you have, especially on holidays and off-hours. I now try to educate people on this... many people I know are surprised to know they even have chemotherapy for pets.


I decided to watch him that night, so I
slept in the recliner, which would allow me to keep a better eye on him, vowing to take him if I saw any more distress. He seemed to be ok. The next morning he was worse. I had no idea how bad though. I had to pull him a bit to urge him to walk to the car, and that is killing me right now. Once we got to the car, I had to lift him in because he was so weak. Then once we were at the emergency vet, I again had to coax him to walk inside. Why didn't I ask them to come outside and get him?????? He must have been so weak.


Oh, Kelly, you were just doing the best you could with the information you had. I can't imagine Wolfie begrudges you that.

The vet said she wasn't able to get a blood pressure reading. That's how bad it was. I know if I had understood just how bad, I would've acted so differently, but I can't fully shake the haunting feeling that I hurt my baby boy, and that he suffered even more because of me. I have no idea how long he was in pain even before that day. Was it an acute situation, or did this build up over time????

There can be cases of chronic and acute pancreatitis. Now, I'm using my human knowledge as an ICU nurse here, but bear with me. Acute pancreatitis comes on suddenly. It starts with abdominal pain and vomiting, and worsens quickly. If Wolfie was eating normally, acting normally until that night, I think it's a reasonable guess that it was an acute pancreatitis - something very sudden. I don't think he was in pain before that day. I get the impression chronic pancreatitis is uncomfortable, so I suspect you would have seen something before then. According to http://pets.webmd.com/dogs/dog-pancreatiti...-and-treatment: "Mild pancreatitis produces loss of appetite, depression, intermittent vomiting, and diarrhea and weight loss."
The cases of pancreatitis I've seen in my ICU tend to progress very quickly. I've seen patients go from a little vomiting/abdominal pain to needing a breathing tube and blood pressure support (because they go into shock and their blood pressures plummet) in as little as 8 hours. And frankly, when someone has pancreatitis that is that bad, even all the supportive care in the world isn't always enough. It's bad, bad news.

My husband woke up angry again yesterday, and decided to visit out regular vet to ask their opinion about what happened. He said the vet seemed a bit surprised about the circumstances leading up to Wolfie's passing, and said that the situation sounded rare, but that of course he would need to get the records before he could know more. We just want to try to get some answers. Even if we never know for sure what happened, we'll at least know we tried. We need to do it for us, and we need to do this for Wolfie.

Anger's a very common part of the grieving process. I think talking to your regular vet is a good idea. Perhaps a review of the records will help bring some closure. Did you ask to have a necropsy done? That helped us get some very important answers about Pippin. I also will say that I've seen repeatedly, in people, that pancreatitis is one of the hardest things for family members to get a handle on - how can something that seems so minor be so deadly? How can one little organ that we hardly ever think of cause so much trouble? And how can it happen so quickly?


ow it's futile to think about it, but I can't help wishing that if I can't have him back, that I could at least redo last Saturday. I would have spent every second with him, playing with him, petting and holding him, loving on him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I have to let these feelings out, then I know I also have to let them go. I hope that I can.

Of course you want him back, and of course you'd spend every last moment with him that you could. Get those feelings out; I know I've been there, and I've felt very similarly. There's just never enough time.

Sweet angel Wolfie, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to get help and get better, and I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me. You are the sweetest, most innocent of creatures, and from the depths of my heart and soul, I am so so sorry for the suffering that you endured. I don't know how long you were in pain. My only wish is that I could go back and take it all away.

Actually, I know Wolfie forgives me. I don't think I can forgive myself.


This is where I'm going to ask you to listen to me, Kelly: if Wolfie had acute pancreatitis, and given how sudden the onset you describe was, I think that's a good guess, I would think he was not suffering prior to the incident. Again: was he eating and acting normally up until that night, as best you can recall? I get the impression he was.

It's so hard to cut ourselves slack when we lose our companions suddenly. I've found it was almost easier to blame myself for my pets' conditions than to accept that sometimes, awful things just happen and I have no control over it. I really, really hate admitting that! Much easier to think I did something wrong.

Have you been able to get some rest and good nutrition into yourself? Be gentle with yourself right now. You deserve it.


--------------------

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that, in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
- Kahlil Gibran
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moon_beam
post Nov 3 2012, 12:44 PM
Post #39


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Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As Kel has so comfortingly shared with you, anger is one of the many emotions we can experience in this very painful grief adjustment journey. It is healthy to try to turn this anger into something positive - - such as seeking information from your regular veterinary care professional. I hope he will be able to offer you some insights that will be of comfort to you both.

Guilt / remorse are two other emotions that are so normal to experience during this grief adjustment journey, and they can be two of the hardest to reconcile. When we are in deep grief our hearts are filled with all the "what ifs" and "why didn't / did I's". These two emotions are a result of looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time the events were happening. I, too, hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find peace in your heart that you and your husband truly did everything that is in your power to give your beloved Wolfie a happy and healthy earthly journey. There is no doubt that you would have walked through hot roiling lava if it meant you could protect your beloved Wolfie from danger and harm and sickness. Your beloved Wolfie knows this, - - and hopefully in time your heart will be able to find peace, too.

There is noting "futile" in our grief adjustment journey, Kelly. Of course you want your beloved Wolfie back - - this is very, very normal, and my heart breaks for you as you endure through your very deep sorrow. Hopefully in time you will come to know that your beloved Wolfie continues to be with you - - just differently. His sweet Living Spirit IS forever with you - - he will never leave you.

But until you reach this time in your grief journey, please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey. We are here to share with you whatever is in your heart and on your mind - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


--------------------
In heaven's perfect garden there is no grief or pain, and all of God's creation join the angels' sweet refrain.

The most blessed way I have of knowing God's comforting love and grace is to look into the eyes and heart of God's creatures' sweet angelic face.
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Kellyt
post Nov 3 2012, 09:13 PM
Post #40





Group: Pet Lovers
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From: NY
Member No.: 7,808



Dear Laura,
Please forgive me for confusing your dogs' names. I'm normally a detail-oriented person; my brain isn't clear right now. I'm so sorry. Zena and Zeus are both so beautiful; I'd love to see more pictures if that's ok (or I can check your profile??). It's clear from your words that you were (and are) so devoted to both of them, and it's also clear that they felt and cherished every ounce of that unending love. Thank you so much for sharing your stories to help me. It is so beautiful and such a blessing that you've been able to touch both Zeus's and Zena's fur in your dreams; no doubt you will cherish those visits forever. It definitely sounds like Zena was trying to tell you that you made the right decision, a very difficult one but one that reflects all the love in your heart for her.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts regarding Wolfie's visit to my parents. I too hope for more. I did actually have something happen the other day that I've been thinking about. It's been intermittently cloudy and sunny these past few days, mostly cloudy. When I walked into the kitchen, I noticed the sun shining on the floor, right near Wolfie's food bowls. ( We haven't put them away yet.) As I walked to the window, I noticed bright rays of sun shining through all the clouds in the sky, heading right toward me. Wow. I'm realizing now that was probably him. Another interesting thing happened on the same day. I had some very sad songs playing over and over in my mind, and I wanted to distract myself a bit, so I kept humming the theme song from The Golden Girls-for some reason, I've always found that show to be funny yet comforting. So, coincidence or not, twice that day, when I turned on the tv (without paying attention to what time it was), The Golden Girls was on, right at the beginning theme song. Wow again. It took writing this to fully realize what happened.
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