It Has Been Almost A Week

Good evening. My wife was given this website for me to go to, by my precious bunny's vet. I am here because last Sunday night I lost him to cancer, a cancer called, Hemangiosarcoma. It is a horrible cancer and it proved it to me last Sunday night.

My little bunny, Benjamin, was adopted by me from the animal shelter when he was only 7 weeks old. For the next 6+years, he was by my side practically every day. He went on camping trips, concert trips, store strips, everywhere. He had run of most of the house, loved to be in the bed with my wife and me. His favorite place was sitting on my chest, his face pressed against mine, where he would give me bunny kisses for what seemed a half an hour at a time. My precious bunny was extremely closely bonded with me. He was not my pet, he was truly, in every sense of the word, a family member. He never felt what it was like being shut outside in a cage, lonely, or ever felt any pain or torture in his home. He knew only love and kindness, and returned it in abundance. He had the best of food, the best of comfort and the best of treatment and he responded to it.

I have lived in NY for 8 years, been with my wife for 8 years and Bun had been with me for over 6. We were a family. I could go on and on about what an amazing companion, this precious family member meant to me, but over the last 6 days I am literally typed out, cried out and worn out. The pain and the grief has been unbearable. I have been inconsolable. After the tragedy of last Sunday night, the next morning I wrote what had happened and posted it on another site. My Bun had been diagnosed with cancer in December and in the coming weeks, I had put his little body through 3 operations trying to save his life. My Bun's amazing and extremely caring vet tried everything she could, even gently nudging me to not do the final operation, after which Bun died only 2 weeks later.

This is what happened last Sunday night, and you will see why I am struggling so much....

February 26, 2007

It is now Monday morning. My wife took Benjamin to the vet for cremation. I simply could not make it. I am devastated. I am fortunate that she is doing this for me.

I knew things were changing after Bun’s last surgery two weeks ago. He was a little more tired, he stopped eating his pellets, though he still ate his fresh greens, hay and treats. But on Saturday he would not play. Cindy said he tried to play a little when she got on the floor with him, but he simply didn’t have the energy. After a while she brought him back to his house.

The last 2 weeks Bun would mostly be content to lie in the bed with us, covered in blankets and sleep. But mostly he wanted to lie on my chest, his favorite place, and give me bunny kisses. Now, though, his little kisses only lasted a couple of minutes. I could tell my bunny was growing tired. Saturday night Bun ate his greens slowly. He would not eat his nighttime treats. Well, his crunchy treat he wouldn’t eat. I brought him back to bed and stayed up with him until 4 in the morning, I was tired and I felt Bun had to get some sleep so I put him home and I went to bed.

Yesterday morning, Sunday morning, we woke up to see that Bun had made it through the night. But it looked like he had not eaten his hay. We wanted to go to breakfast. I needed a stress release from this so at 10:00 we got ready to go. At noontime I give Bun some healthy treats that he loves. But yesterday I gave him some just before we left. I usually wait until we get home but something in me told me to give them to him now. I also gave him some fresh hay. He ate his treats and tried to nibble on some hay. We left to go to breakfast. I felt that Bun would be ok until I got home. I wish I would have stayed home. I am beating myself up over this.

After breakfast we ran a few errands which took us about 60 miles from home. One of the errands was that we bought a little bed for bunny to lay on while he was in bed with us. He really didn’t need it, he just loved being in our bed but I just wanted to buy him something. We got back into town about 4:30pm and stopped for a quick cup of coffee. We got home about 4:50 and this is when all hell broke loose.

For the last couple of weeks, when we would come home, Cindy would usually go upstairs first. She did not know this, but I would wait until I heard her say something to Bun and our guinea pig. I waited until I heard her say, “Hello Babies!” and I knew everything was fine. As long as I didn’t hear her yell for me and say that Bun was gone, everything was ok.

So I heard her say hello to the boys, I sighed a sigh of relief and went upstairs. This was probably 4:55, just 5 minutes, if that after coming into the house. Bun was looking up at me with his sweet little face and for a moment I thought everything was fine. I picked him up for a usual big hug and kiss before I would feed him his greens dinner with banana treat. But when I picked him up, I heard gurgling in his breathing and I knew there was trouble. The gurgling sound was getting louder, fast. Cindy heard it, too. She went downstairs and I put Bun back to his house and I grabbed the phonebook to find somewhere to take him before this got worse. As it was going to turn out, I had no time.

Behind me I could hear thrashing in Bun’s house and I ran and picked him up, laid him in my arms and his head rolled back and he was gasping for air. I went to put him on the bed, on his stomach to try to help his breathing and this is where things went nuts. All chaos broke loose. He was flopping and rolling on the bed because he could not breath. My bunny was dying. I grabbed him and running down the stairs I YELLED for Cindy to come help me. I was hysterical, yelling to her that MY LITTLE BABY IS DYING! I was falling to pieces so fast that everything seemed to go blank.

Blood was pouring from his mouth all over my arm and clothes and urine was all over me as I ran downstairs with Bun in my arms. I laid him on the couch and he tried to get up but kept rolling and falling. My precious little baby was dying so fast that I had no time to think or react. I grabbed the phonebook but could not see or comprehend the names and numbers. I knew I had no time left. Cindy said that there was still blood spilling from my baby’s mouth as he was gasping for air. I managed to dial a vet’s answering service and she said the vet would call me right back.

I was completely falling to pieces. I picked up my baby and came in here with him as the phone rang. The vet called back in seconds. I had lost control and was crying like I have never in my life. The vet asked Cindy to ask me if Bun was gone. I said that he was dead and my heart broke to pieces. I could not breath. I held my baby and cried. All I could do was cry to Cindy that my sweet little baby is gone!

After a few minutes I carried my baby upstairs and laid him on his new little bed, on the floor and I layed there with him, telling him how sorry I was and how much I loved him. I was, and am, totally heartbroken. I covered him to keep him warm and I kissed him goodbye. Cindy finally got our vet on the phone and thanked her for all she did for us and for Bunbun. She said everyone hoped against hope that a miracle would happen. She said to keep his body cool until he could be brought in for cremation. So all this time, me being like a doting father, always keeping my bunny warm and comfy, I felt reduced to putting him out on our enclosed porch, where it was below freezing, so his body would stay cold. That killed me inside. I placed him in a roomy box, on his new little bed, covered him with a warm towel and wrapped him in a blanket. It was the best I could do.

All of this, from the moment I went upstairs and Cindy had said hi to our boys, to the time that my precious baby died, was LESS than FIVE minutes. That is how fast all of this transpired. Everything was total chaos. It’s like I had no time to hold him, be with him or anything. But he did die in my arms. Just not as peaceful as it should have been. I was simply crying too much. Did my little boy wait all day long for me to come home so he could finally pass away? Did he look up at me with his precious face for help, help that I could not give him? It kills me inside that I did not stay home.

Today everything that I felt selfish about is gone. I can’t feed him, give him his treats, play with him, lay in bed with him, get bunny kisses and give him hugs and kisses back. Everything that was required of me to care for him is gone. I am broken beyond words. My heart feels dead.


A beautiful cherry wooden urn is being shipped to me today. Benjamin’s ashes will be ready for us to pick up this Wednesday. I am getting a little brass plate engraved and a small picture framed. I took a lot of pictures of Bun the last few weeks and there are some really sweet and cute ones of him from a few days ago. He wanted to live so much, I could see it in his sweet face. But his little body couldn’t take everything that he was put through any longer. But it hurts so much. I hurt so much today. He is gone. He was my beautiful, sweet little boy. He was not my pet, he was my family.

I will miss him more than words can say.

I love you, Benjamin, with everything in me, I love you.


In Loving Memory
Benjamin Bunny
2000-2007


And that is it. What is left of my beautiful friend is now with me at home, in a beautiful urn, graced by a sweet picture of him taken not long before his death.

The hardest part for me to deal with is the constant visuals of what I saw last Sunday. His suffering those last few minutes haunt me. I felt powerless to save my baby. I am suffering through this today. I miss him incredibly. My heart feels numb from the painful beating it has taken.

It it truly amazing how these beautiful living beings can attach themselves to our hearts and make it so unbearable when we have to let them go.

Tomorrow at 5:00pm will be one week. The thought of this makes me so sad. I wish he was alive. It feels like he didn't get to live half his life. Cancer robs us of loved ones. It is garbage. It serves no good. It took from me my sweet, precious little boy, Benjamin.

My name is Ray, my handle here speaks for itself. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this.