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morning glory
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Joined: 16-December 14
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Last Seen: 21st January 2015 - 08:38 PM
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morning glory

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26 Dec 2014
Today is one week since I lost you bunnie...they called me to come get your ashes and I just can't do it…...it will make it final then....and I cannot do that yet…..I am not sure I will be ever able to do it but there is no one to do it for me..….that is not the way I want to hold you in my arms once again....if I pick you up there is no way I will be able to be in denial anymore and I feel like fragile china that will just shatter into a billion pieces that will never be able to be put me back together into a function being again…even close to “normal.” ...keep thinking you will come back….I just need to be patience and yiu will be back and it will be like it was before…I keep seeing you everywhere and thinking constantly "oh Morning is going to love to have a piece of my bacon” or “oh I dropped that and hope I did not scare you too much and need to go to check and you” or “the house is a little cold so need to make sure you ae warm enough….You’re gone…..so very gone… I cannot feel you buttercup around me…it is breaking my heart so badly…your blanket is gone…I wonder if I should put it back as will that make it hurt less and give me more of a feeling that you will be back? and realize you not here anymore....I do not want to be here by myself buttercup...I need you so much...I keep thinking "oh I need to go spend some time with my Morn Glor” but you are not there; I actually go in the bedroom looking for you and am horrifyingly surprised when I do not see your blanket out on the bed that matched your eyes and you sitting on it ready to be loved. That empty space shocks me to the core…. It is a horribly deep painful scream and panic I feel that your blanket is GONE…. can't I just go back in time to be with you?? Please God can’t I just have a little more time with her? I have not been able to sleep without you and have not showered since the day you left…who cares? The house is a mess but who cares? I did manage to get enough life in me to go water the plants last night as they were desperate in need….at least they still need me once a week…I just want to run out of this house and never ever come back…I want the memories to be gone, me to be gone with you….I miss kissing your little head all the way down to your little pink nose and you purring in happiness and love….I want to do it so badly…I hate that the whole world is moving on as it is so disrespectful to you and my grief…people thought I was alone for the holidays as there were no people here; I was not alone I had you but do not now so truly am totally alone for this holiday for first time in my life; there was always a pet to share with before… all I have is memories of Christmas past; you, mom and dad when we were still a family…..bunnie I feel that I am loosing the picture of you in my head and not thinking of you as often as I should already and I has just been a week…what happens when it is a month? Two months?? How much will I have lost your memory, picture in my head by then?? I do not want to forget you and am so afraid I am…..I look at kitties and doggies that need homes but just cannot go there…..will I ever be able to again?? It just feels so empty without you…today at the store I was going to buy your favorite treat, pork rinds, for Christmas but you are not here…I feel so guilty for not picking you up yet; I feel like a bad mommie, that I am being selfish and you are cold and alone in some awful place at the vet just waiting for me to come bring you home and cannot understand why I have not yet come for you…I am just going to be in such horrible pain again when I pick you up light I was when I had to put you to sleep…my grief will start all over again and I will shatter to a million pieces all over again…...I miss you so and still cannot sleep without you…I finally feel asleep last night for a couple of hours as was so tired…..you know I have been sick for almost four month now and just was put on antibiotic on Friday and then realized how sick I have been because my fever spiked pretty high for two days….it was so lonely that you were not here to comfort me…I started feeling better but today the sore throat is back again and I feel sick again….Terri cat Emmet was so good to me like you said he would and he comforted and loved me all night long…it was so nice to have something warm, furry, and loving in my arms again…he so loved your treats just like you said he would and his eyes just lit up after he tasted them….baby thank you for telling him to take extra special care with me and love me….he knew I know because you told him….I could see it in his eye that he knew…loving him up I realized how very unwell you had always been and especially for the last year; you were just skin and bones no matter what I tried to tempt you with and here is big plump Emmet…I wished you could have had his health…he is 16 and you would never know it….Terri was kind and called today to ask me to home over for Christmas Eve so I would not be alone at least that day…I am so looking forward to loving Emmet up again all night long…but I am so very lonely without you bunnie.....
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