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k9pal
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Joined: 4-June 07
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k9pal

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23 Aug 2007
How do you adjust to life without your furry friend? I just can't seem to do it. I never realized how much my life revolved around Max. I start to rush home from work and I have to remined myself slow down there is nobody at home waiting for you. Cleaning the house now I feel lazy. There's no more hair to constantly clean up. What I did on a almost everyday basis is now obsolete. Going for walks, I'm surprised I haven't put on any weight because I don't do it anymore. Max wouldn't eat the food from big bags of dog food when it got to about half empty. I don't know why but he prefered the small bags. So every week I would schedule my errands around the time he needed more food. Now I just put the errands off because the most important one no longer exists. At night is the worse my husband always went to bed earlier then Max and myself so it was our alone time. Now I can't stand to be up later because I'm by myself with no one to share it with. I use to love going outside at night. While Max would go to the bathroom I would sit and look at the moon and stars, and enjoy the breezes. The way the trees swayed and the bugs chirped. Now I don't go out . I went out once since his passing and it wasn't peaceful as before. Now it seems menicing. To many shadows lurking about. I didn't feel safe and I cried because he wasn't with me. I just wish there was some sense of normalcy. My life seems to be out of place it's so confusing. I can't believe that he isn't a part of it any more. How do you adjust?
6 Aug 2007
Max was always a submissive dog. Submissive but agressive in seeking attention. I was there since he was a day old. He was the runt of the litter so frail compared to the other pups. Left out during feedings I would make room for him among the other pups making sure he had his share of milk. There were 8 pups and I had the choice of the litter. I knew I wanted a yellow lab in which there were three. His sister was the lightest in color and had the most beautiful eyes so round and doe like and she had a small little snout, she was irresistable. His brother the second yellow was huge and one of the biggest of the litter. He was so heathy and strong you could say he was a pup consider to be ideal based on breeding standards. Then there was my Max. I believe he was the first to be born. While his mother was being moved to a more ideal birthing area a yellow pup just poped out onto the floor. His mom picked him up and took him with her to were she was lead. Max had these two small indentions in his fur by his shoulders, which later formed as two swirly callocks. The marks were consistent with his mothers canine teeth so that's were I have the belief that he was the one that poped out onto the floor. He may of been the oldest but like I said he was the smallest. The reason that I'm going into details about some of Maxes siblings is because I wanted to point out that based on appearance and health Max was not the ideal choice. Yet, he was my choice. I don't know why but I was drawn to him as he was drawn to my husband and I . As the pups got bigger we noticed that Max and his sister whether playing, feeding or naping always seemed to be teamed up with each other. It's strange it's like they knew that they would be apart of each other's life until the end. Always when we would go and sit with the pups in the yard all would come and greet us. But not like Max and his sister in which both were such cuddlebugs. Exspecially Max he loved companionship from day one. Something happened in the peeking order of the pups. Thou Max was still the smallest and became submissive when the other pups nipped at him he became their leader when it came to exploring new mysteries and adventures. He was always the one ahead of the pack with his favorite sister in tow behind him. Then all the others behind her as they explored first the boundries of the yard and then the begining of the woods. He was so full of wonder. When we got a baby pool for them to cool off in he was the first one in. Squeky toys he was the first to run from the noise and the first to return in curiousity. His personality was so vibrant and he was always so happy and playful that the other pups couldn't resist him. Nor could my husband and I. My mother adopted his sister in which they always were apart of each others lives. I'm happy that he got to keep her in his life. As I am for ever greatful that I had Max in mine.
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6 Aug 2007
Tomorrow marks the third month of my beloved Max passing. I miss him so much. On side of me me nudged between the rug and baseboard is Maxes fur. I just can't vacuum it up. That spot is one of the two in my house in which I refuse to remove the one part of Max which still remains. I feel like if I remove the fur then I'm removing him from my existence. As if he were never here. Do you think that's strange? That spot holds and reminds me of such great memories. That spot is were Max layed while I was on the computer. When I was on the computer he use to always try and sit in front of me under the desk but he was to big to fit. He would not accept that fact so he would push my chair with his nose and make it roll back so that he could fit. There he would sit staring at me with a sparkle in his eyes all proud and happy. As if he was saying to me see I can fit. The only problem was that I could hardly reach the keyboard and my arms would start to ach from reaching. I started bribing Max with treats to sit onside of me instead. I would set his milky bone on the floor next to me so that he would be content in sitting or lying there. But instead he would pick it up, wag his tail, then turn and push me and the chair even more so than before. I made the mistake of laughing so the bribe slash training session became a game to him and I ended up further and further away from the desk. He was such a character, the antics he would pull off to get attention were endless and always brought me joy. Well anyways with the lure of a bone being unsuccessful I tried it with his bigest weakness, cheese. Well the cheese bit half worked he still turned and nudged the chair away from the desk but only enough so that his head could fit to put his cheese on top of my leg. He was content on using me as his bowl. The funny thing is usally he would woof the cheese right down. Not while I was on the computer he would set the slice on my leg and just keep licking it. So then I started ripping the cheese in small pieces. He had no choice but to eat it were I set it which was were I wanted him to sit. So he would woof the small pieces down standing up and come and push my chair. Finally, I made him sit first then I would give him the pieces of cheese . Then in order to keep him there I would turn my chair sideways towards him and rub him with my feet until he was content and happy. Then and only then was I able to continue on the computer sitting in the proper position without him pushing me away from it. Sorry for the long story. I assure you it is much shorter than the amount of time it took me to train Max in lying on the floor next to me. Correction, the amount of time it took Max to train me that he could still recieve my attention while I was on the computer. He always taught me not to be so self absorbed and selflish with my time. He was always there to say, hello I'm here too. I was never alone I always had Max by my side. Now he's not and all I have left is his fur and the memories. Good bye Max, How I would love to be able to give you every second of my time.
21 Jul 2007
Can somebody please... tell me why most of us here in some point in time blame ourselves for our beloved pets deaths? Where does all the guilt come from? I realize that it's part of the grieving process but why? In my experience, first I blamed myself for Maxes passing, for having him euthinized. Now I'm at peace with that decision because he was in so much pain. Then I blamed myself for keeping him alive and living with all that pain. I believed that I was crule and selfish. Then I went on to blame myself for his sickness. Why did he get cancer? What did I do to contribute to it? Why didn't I know he had it? I still have somewhat issues and guilt about those. Then I find out that there were other options available for Maxes cancer. So I took that guilt and turned it into anger against the vets. ohmy.gif To my astonishment I realized just how much that guilt dominated my life. Summertime the time for weddings , showers, ect. Did I go? No I didn't. I told myself that I was grieving , that I didn't want to put on a fake smile. I pushed away my friends and family. Well, not my family they were very patient and persistant. They wouldn't let me build that wall. The ironic thing is I didn't even realize that I was doing it! The post about my friend. I think that maybe it was my fault. It's hard to explain but I think that at the time I believed or I wanted to believe that she wasn't supportive. I look back and she did call me to go places, hang out, to talk, etc. I'm the one who pushed her away. I'm the one who pushed everyone away without knowing I was doing so. I felt so guilty about Max that I wouldn't allow any happiness into my life. I wanted to be miserable, I was punishing myself because I felt like I was a horrible person for letting him get sick, for letting him die. I hated myself for not protecting him . When I did have a happy moment I would wipe the smile off my face and think to myself how could you be happy Max is dead and it's my fault. Talk about guilt! What a destroyer. I guess subconsciously I knew that I couldn't cope alone and that is why I turned to this site. Understanding others sorrow helps you to understand your own. When others see the direction in which you are going they point it out to you and pull you back in. SUPPORT, making new friends who know and feel your grief and guilt and won't allow you to go down that road alone. Thank you, The guilt hasn't stopped completly but at least I'm aware of it's power and I didn't come to that conclusion alone . Your friend k9pal
16 Jul 2007
I'm so upset , I just came from a website that is primarly about osteosarcoma .( bone cancer) The site was recomended to me throu a post here. I began exchanging e-mails with a woman whose dog had OS in the same area that Max had his. The hip area is a rare place that this cancer forms so I was interested in how she delt with it with her dog. I was mistaken to believe that there was no hope in amputation until I read a letter from her. Her dog lived 7 more years after being amp. She said the surgery lasted 10.5 hrs because it was a complicated area were the cancer was. I think it's wonderful that her dog bet the ugly cancer and I am truly happy for her. I'm so mad because if Max was dignosed with cancer earlier maybe I could of caught it in time so it couldn't spread and I would still have him. I know I shouldn't direct my anger at the vets but I can't help it! They did absolutly nothing for Max but give him pills. They should of known the urgency of the situation and not play the waiting game. Here's pills come back, Here's more pills come back. Even after there was belief that he may have cancer they still sent me and Max away with more pills. That time was crucal and it was wasted! Why didn't they know at the begining that it wasn't a sprain after I explained how he yelped in pain countinuously. Theyr'e specialist they should of known that kind of pain was not normal.Why didn't any of them recomend a oncoligist. I never even heard of a oncoligist until it was to late. Please anyone who reads this if you feel in your heart that something isn't right with you beloved pet take action right away because it could make the diference between life and death. Do not assume that the vets are always right. If they just check your baby and send you on your way to play the waiting game. Wait one week and then come back. Dont' play that game if you believe there's more to it. Demand xrays, bloodwork, ect... right then. Even thou I knew I still played that game. I felt as if they knew best. I wish to god that I wasn't so timid and trusting at that time. If I could gain anything from writting this post. It's this Maybe my lost of Max will help people with trusting in thier instincts when it comes to the care of their furbaby. If you feel in your heart enough isn't being done to help your furry friend demand action immediatly. They have nothing to loose but you do.
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