My Angel Is Gone

Last night I made the decision to let my Maki go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. She has been my baby for 12 1/2 years. Through it all. I have posted here 2 previous times and thought that those were the hardest times... but this is hurting me so deep that I feel like I will not recover. Maki, my pug, had cushings which caused pancreatitis, bladder stones and very slow healing. Her eye surgery from 2 years ago had not healed right. I think that injury is what caused her downward slope. She aged so much after that. She could not take any more medications. The pancreatitis is finally what made me make the decision. At least I think thats why she was in pain. She had an accident all over me and the bed on Sat night. Then was breathing with a type of whine all day on Sunday. She had been wearing diapers for a while now and I noticed that it was dry for the first time in forever. I took her to the ER with a small soft serve ice cream, that she didn't have to share with her brothers. They put in the catheter and brought her back to me. She went out licking the final drops from the cup.
I thought because I knew this was coming, that it would be easier. It's not. I'm a mess. I can barely see through the tears to type. I know it will get easier. I know it was the right thing. It just hurts so much.
I can't remove her food bowl. I can't move the diapers from near the door. I don't want to. It is so different this time. I'm such a mess.
I just wanted to post because this site was so helpful to me in the past.
Thanks for reading this.
-Chris

My Old Man, Tucker

My old man, Tucker, lost his battle with Ossifying Spondylosis last week. We tried everything, every medicine... On Sunday, he couldn't get up then tried to bite us as we tried to help him up. We made the decision then. On Monday I took him to my vet and had to practically carry him. The euthanasia was peaceful. Not like my cat. I laid with him and told him I loved him the whole time. We had a vacation planned for two days later. I was so busy getting ready for the vacation, that I let myself be in denial. It hit me two days into my vacation. I have cried myself to sleep almost everynight since. Tucker was 16. He was diagnosed with the spondylosis about 3 years ago. We treated his symptoms ever since. He was never easy to sedate; even getting his teeth cleaned was risky. He stopped breathing twice with the last teeth cleaning. So, surgery was not an option. He was at the vet every month for blood tests to monitor his kidneys and liver function. His kidneys were beginning to show wear from the meds. I noticed that his kidney function was slowing down, then he couldn't get up. I told myself that if that happened I would do what is right. It does not make it easier though. I go home tomorrow. I can't wait, and I dread it. My other two dogs will be there waiting for me. I miss them so much. How I am going to handle greeting just the two of them, I don't know. It took so long to get through the grief of loosing my cat, Elvis, just over a year ago.... I hope I am strong enough to go through this again. My heart aches.

Will I Forgive Myself?

Today it has been 11 days since I put my 19 year old cat, Elvis, to sleep. Elvis was not sick. He had the beginnings of kidney disease but that did not take his life. I did. I can not let go of the horrible guilt that I feel about making this decision and I have to get this out. Please forgive me if I upset you by writing all of this. I just need to tell someone who might understand.
Elvis was not happy anymore. He had lost the ability to jump and his balance was so bad he could hardly walk across the kitchen floor without almost falling. He walked on his full foot (like a rabbit) and was always stepping in his litter - when he made it there. I thought about "the right time" every time I was bathing him to get the clumped litter off of his feet. Now, I look back and feel like I shouldn't have minded. Since he stopped grooming himself I had to wash him regularly. He didn't like it and sometimes, I think, it hurt him to be held. He did still come to me for love sometimes. Late night when I would be on the couch. He would come over and talk and I would pick him up and cover him with my blanket. He would rub his face into my hand... but he had stopped purring. I would try everything. Even writing this, I know that if I read it I would tell this person that she did the right thing. Why can't I feel that way? When I brought him to the vet that day, I knew it was going to happen. My vet had encouraged it before. Elvis didn't really even realize we went anywhere. He used to HATE the car. He got upset when they put in the catheter. When he came back to me with the cath in he was mad. But then it all happened so fast and it seemed like a blur. I should have taken more time and made sure he was calm. His eyes and mouth were open. I know that is normal but I can not get the image out of my head. He twitched afterwards which made me scream. It was horrible. They took away his body and now I am waiting for his ashes. I was alone with him then and I am dealing with this alone. My children are young enough that they have already moved on. My husband has not shed a tear. He does not share my bond with my animals. I am angry about it. I have ordered an urn and a keychain urn. I felt alittle better after doing that. I am dreading the call to pick up his ashes. I will do it though. I have been with him through everything else.
Elvis had more than his share of lives. He took life by the horns. He was never "most cats". He boxed any dog that came too close and taught his dog brothers and sister to not mess with "the King". He will be missed so much. His protege "Prince" missses him. Prince won't use his litter box. He has only gone outside since Elvis's death. I am not sure what to do about that. Animals do grieve. In the last month of Elvis's life, when he had gone from bad to worse, Prince stopped jumping him. They kindof ignored each other.
I am thankful for this site. Thank you for allowing me to get this out. I hope I will feel better one day. Feel that God will forgive me and that I can forgive myself.
Chris