3 Months Today...

My baby Mell crossed to the other side 3 months ago at age 14... on 5th June a vet killed her.

Mell...Are you still here? I am still calling your name everyday..I open my eyes in the morning saying good morning Mell...hoping you are there at the corner of the bed or on your favorite chair sleeping and hearing me then coming to me as usual purring as happy as you used to be..I still go to the kitchen imagining you standing there beside the refrigerator like everyday in the morning looking at me while I am making my morning tea...I still look at your picture and talk to you..I know your physical body is not here anymore, but I do hope that your soul is still here with me...some animal communicators say that our babies' souls are still around us as they watch for us regularly...
I still cry everyday, I still hope one day I meet you, I look at your photos daily, watch your videos, miss your smell, your foxy look, the way you yawn and your breath..I MISS YOU

Baby do you know that Zout (Mell's sister) is very ill, has lung fibrosis and we all know she has not much time left...we are doing our best but it is chronic...just to add more sadness to the empty dull lifeless life I live without you...

Please Mell do not leave me, you know you are in my heart forever...I need you here tho, I need you beside me and I do not know what to do...I want you back...what can I give to get you back? My life is shattered without you I do not go out I do not answer my phone I do not wanna talk most of the time..I even feel guilty when I smile...I just need you back my baby..your mommy needs you badly and loves you dearly...I love you.

A Father And A Daughter

Can you feel a cat is like a father to you? Can you feel a cat is really like your daughter? This is exactly how I lived that past 20 years.
I lost my Siamese cat 3 years ago, Kwkw, he was my best friend ,my soul mate and above all, my father and my security, he passed away a couple of months before reaching 20 years old. That was the first time for me to see any soul dying either a cat or a human, and he died in a very bad way that I do not comprehend till today.

I lost a part of me with him…a part of my soul and my heart, Kwkw was the wise, the gentle, the calm and the tender, since he was one year old he seemed to be very wise and respectful, through the first 2 years of his life, we built this something…this relation that I have never experienced before, he was like my shadow, he understood my looks, when he was marking all over the house, even on bed sheets, he could be shouted at, but never by me, I always defended him, cleaned after him, he trusted me more than I could imagine a cat can trust a human.

He was everything to me, though he got married and we raised his kids and their kids too, he was always that special soul… When he passed away , I could not believe it…I prayed to God – and still do – that I would meet him one day, tell him once again how much I love him and how much I miss his eyes, his fur smell, his hand holding mine...I miss talking to him…I miss being confident that this is the true unconditional love in my life…

Who helped me then was his grand-daughter- Mella…she was my favorite too.., I always considered her my daughter, she treated me like her mum…I do not know how to explain this but this is how it happened, she was there for me when I needed comfort after he was no longer there, she slept beside me, walked with me everywhere, sat on the desk beside me while studying, and gave me the love I needed, and I believe I gave her affection and love back…she was unlike her grandpa, she was active, lively, bullying other cats , she was a fighter, though the smallest in size in the family…

Mella passed away last month on the 5th…I lost her too…

She was a victim of an untrustworthy vet who gave her some shots may be an overdose and I believe including something that lead to her death in just 2 hours…she died at age 14, all of a sudden, I was not expecting it at all…It was a shock, a shock that I could do nothing for her…for an hour and the vet is saying on phone…it is normal reaction to the anti-inflammatory drug. No worries…and it took me 45 minutes to carry her to the nearest animal hospital, but she could not make it…
I have to say I was filled with guilt that I – in the first place – went to this killer vet, (whom I dealt with once before in another cat’s case and the cat was okay, but with no shots just oral medicine)…I am the human, I chose the vet, I led her to this… some friends tell me that I could never know what was going to happen… what is killing me is that she died the same painful way her grandfather died. And I saw this happening again…is it fate to watch my 2 beloved creatures die painfully the same way? I kept thinking why this is happening to me…I have no answer till now...

I call their names everyday…when it is time to sleep, and when I wake up I tell them good morning…I look at their photos and talk to them…I miss you…I need you…am lonely without you…

When Kwkw passed away I was not aware of the visitations that humans might encounter from their beloved ones, even the idea of the rainbow bridge, I knew nothing about it…so I do not know if he tried to reach me though some strange things happened but in another room. However, this time I read about these happenings well...cos I believe I saw a shadow moving a few times, I even saw a tail moving out of the room while I was on bed and when I got up to see what this was , I found nothing…

I just want to tell kwkw that I miss him so much, I am sure that he knows that I love him so much, thank you for trying to stay beside me as long as you could and Mella, please forgive me…I could not find another vet but this one at this time…I never knew this was going to happen…I love you more than you can imagine…I cry every night because I miss you guys…a part in me died….now the world can collapse and I won’t even care…my heart is with you both not with me anymore…

Until the three of us unite again...I love you