Just Wanted To Say Thank You!

To all--
I just wanted to say thank you for all the loving, caring, considerate posts I have seen here. I get such a warm, fuzzy feeling just looking through these posts. Everyone here is caring and considerate and it makes me proud to have found this wonderful site.

I check my emails each morning first thing when I get up and I also visit several other message boards about animals, and I have to say I really believe we have the greatest bunch of people here, loving and giving and just trying to HELP others facing terrible losses. Initially, while I read posts here, I myself didn't post for fear of the reactions/outrage I would get about the death of my baby Chester. I fully expected that and had seen so many critical messages posted to others on various message boards that I was really prepared for an onslaught. But, no, that's not what I received here (THANK YOU! THANK YOU!). Not one word of censure, not one critical remark. Only love, support and caring. Surprisingly, for me, even words of thanks in reiterating a valuable lesson about the dangers of tie-outs. I cannot express to each and every one of you how grateful I am to you for allowing me to let go of my guilt and shame and move on. I don't think I really began to heal until I did that. I just wanted each and every one of you to know that I think this board is a wonderful, healing place. Maybe that's the difference between lightning-strike and other boards, we're here to find compassion and comfort, not be critical. I just wanted to let you know I love you, guys!!! You restore my faith in humanity!

My Biggest Regret

I can't really believe I'm doing this, writing about something this is so deeply painful. But, the recent post from Missing Kamikazi brought back so much that I can no longer hold it in. I subscribe to this forum but have only posted once or twice. I sympathize so much with the grieving I have seen here, and yet, I have been too ashamed and guilty to share my own pain. I'm shaking as I type this so please bear with me...the story is kind of long, but I want to get this out. I realize many of you have suffered terrible losses in the recent past. My sorrow has plagued me since 2001---when I made a horrible mistake and the dog I loved more than my next breath paid a terrible price.

Chester was a Walker Treeing Coonhound I had adopted the year before from a local humane society. He only had three legs because he'd been hit by a car as a puppy. The humane society spent about $300 to have the mangled leg amputated, knowing he'd probably never be adopted. Nobody seems to want a less-than-perfect dog. But, I fell in love with him. He had such intelligence shining out of those big, beautiful brown eyes. I took him home and he became my baby, even though I had four other dogs I loved dearly. He was just so special. He was SO full of life and joy! He didn't let ANYTHING stop him from doing exactly what he wanted. Every day was an adventure, and he could make me laugh over the simplest things. In some ways, he was more trouble than all four of my other dogs put together, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I honestly think he saved my life. I have suffered from depression on and off all my life, but with Chester around, I simply COULD NOT be unhappy. I had even enlisted a dog trainer to help me get Canine Good Citizenship certification so we could do therapy work. I knew if other people could only see how much this dog loved life and got around, despite his disabilities, they too could find hope.

And then came March 17th. I had recently moved into a new house with a large backyard, but hadn't had the chance to install a fence yet. My dogs had lived in the country before and loved being outside, but this was in the city, beside a busy highway. And yet I didn't want to deny my babies their yard. So I measured around trees and bought tie-outs, thinking it would be for two weeks at most. I thought it would be safe. I thought I had taken extra precautions. And I placed the dogs outside while I did a few indoor chores. It would only be for an hour or so. My worst fears were realized when I went to bring the dogs back in. Somehow, Chester's tie-out had got tangled around one of my other dog's lines. He must have lost his footing and fell. The tie-out had pulled taut and he was literally hanging there. Have you ever had five minutes in your life that you would give anything to do over? I would give anything to go back to that split-second when I attached Chester to that tie-out. I've made many mistakes in my life, but as God is my witness, that is the one regret I will take to my grave.

I fell to my knees, screaming, and somehow managed to yank the tie-out loose. (My neighbors called the cops.) I tried CPR. I begged and pleaded with God. I called the vet. But, Chester -- my baby -- was gone. And it was all my fault. My stupidity led to his death. I felt like I had murdered him just as surely as if I'd put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Now, you see why I've never recounted my story here? I'm sure people are reading this saying, "You idiot! What kind of parent are you? How could you NOT know that would happen?" I've asked myself those same questions a million times since that day. The depression I sank into after Chester's death was unlike any I had ever faced. I kept that tie-out. I firmly believed I should end my life in just as much pain as Chester had faced. I owed him that.

So, you see, every time I read a post where somebody asks, "Why didn't I realize he was sick sooner?" or "How could I have let him escape the yard into the street?" I feel that old pain. For a long time after Chester died, I had horrible nightmares. I couldn't eat. I lost 20 lbs. If I let myself, I can easily feel that soul-searing pain and the emptiness I felt that day. But, the years since Chester's passing have also brought perspective and, I hope, a little wisdom. On the anniversary of his death each year, I light a blue candle at 6:30 p.m. and spend the next few hours reminiscing about all the beautiful moments we shared and the joy he brought into my life. And, yes, there are tears. His photos grace my kitchen door, alongside photos of my other animals. His ashes rest on my mantle in a simple, yet elegant, box engraved Chester, Love Always.

I made a mistake that day, and my baby paid the ultimate price. But, I wouldn't make that same mistake today. I learned a terrible - yet valuable - lesson. Unforeseen things happen. There are no guarantees so I have to show all the love I have today, this minute. Tomorrow may be too late. I can still conjure images of that horrible day, but instead I have learned to dwell on the powerful love we shared. The change Chester brought to my life, and the joy he taught me to live with. Now, out of the blue, I often find myself thinking of some crazy thing he did -- and I laugh. I can do that now. And I realize I'm living just as Chester taught me. I owe him that.And, I know in my heart, I'll see him again. And then I'll tell him "I'm sorry" in person.

How Do You Know When It's Time To Say Goodbye?

Hi all! I'm hoping to get in contact with other animal lovers facing the same thing I am. I have six rescued dogs. All of them are older dogs, the youngest is five years old. Four of the six dogs have serious health problems ranging from severe arthritis to congestive heart failure. I know I probably won't have much longer with some of them, and they've all had really good lives since I adopted them. (They are TERRIBLY spoiled!!) But I just can't imagine THAT DAY.

I'm most concerned about my little precious girl, Kiara Dawn. She's a Border Collie who'll be 9 years old this spring. She has been through so much. Her thyroid doesn't work, she has arthritis in her back legs and she's had a cancerous tumor removed from her mammary glands. The vet said she's doing okay for what she's been through but I worry that she's in pain and I don't realize it. She has her good days, when she acts like everything is fine. And then she has her bad days, when she doesn't get off the bed except once to go to the bathroom. I've made a ramp up to the bed to make it easier on her, but she has trouble getting outside. Sometimes the boys (all my other dogs) knock her down while she's trying to get outside. I've started making her go last so they won't do this, but I worry so much about her - even in the house. Over Christmas, she was doing very poorly. I didn't expect her to survive to the New Year. But I couldn't make that decision to put her down when I didn't know if she was ready. I'm glad I didn't because she's really perked up since then, but I know it's just a matter of time. I guess what I'd really like to know from others who have had to make that decision is what do you look for? The vet said when she can't eat or go outside at all and talked alot about the "quality of life" but I can't seem to logically decide when that should be. Sometimes she just seems like a grand old lady who's slowing down. Any advice I could get from others who have been there with older pets would help me immensely. Thanks!