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Posted by: JD1 Jun 4 2006, 04:35 PM

Not a year ago I had to go to my mother's home and get my childhood cat. My mother said she found an ulcer on her stomach and she was acting badly. We took her to the vet and the cancer combined with her age (19) it was decided that we put her to sleep. I held her and tried to comfort her even though I know she was very scared. The doc gave her two injections. One to calm her, and the other to stop her heart. I'm a 33 year old man, and this was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The image of life leaving her was more than I could bare at the time. The event has haunted me in my dreams ever since.

Fast forward to this last saturday. One of our cats that never lets me touch her stomach, well, I discover that she has mammary cancer that has ulcerated as well. I would have NEVER seen it as like I said she usually doesn't let you get anywhere near her stomach. She has been that way since she was a kitten. It was just by chance that I saw it. She acts perfectly fine. I of course know she isn't and now I'm faced with the inevitable that tomorrow I will have to have her put to sleep as well. I can tell it's at such an advanced stage that she has no hope of recovery. I'll have the vet confirm of course but I honestly don't think I can go through it again. Why must we fill our lives with pets only to have to see them go? Not only see them go, but aid in their departure!

I've been loving on her and crying all day. She gets excited at the prospect of going in the car, only this time she won't be coming back with me.

Posted by: BooBoo's Mom Jun 4 2006, 08:09 PM

I am so sorry. I understand exactly how you feel. I have put 3 dogs to sleep in my life time and the 3 times, they have been the worst, hardest, and most distressing experiences of my life. To me there is almost nothing worse than driving your pet to the vet to be put to sleep. But this is the way life goes. We lose people and pets and one day it will be our turn too. But we are comforted in the knowledge that we will see them all again one day soon, never to be separated again.

Posted by: BonnysMom Jun 4 2006, 08:44 PM

Dear JD,

I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel and I know that right now, no words will ease that ache you feel. But please know that you are doing the right thing. I know what you mean by asking yourself if it's all worth it, but I know that after some time to think about it your answer would be an emphatic yes. I've lost my dog only 3 days ago, but I know in a heartbeat that someday I'll do it all over again.

Please know that I'll be thinking about you. Please update us and let us know how you're doing.

Georgette
BonnysMom

Posted by: JD1 Jun 4 2006, 10:23 PM

Thanks for the kind words. I've spent a lot of time with her tonight. It breaks my heart because she is purring and rubbing and running all over the place like nothing is wrong. It HAS to hurt! It's gonna kill me in the morning.

Posted by: JD1 Jun 5 2006, 01:03 PM

Well the vet saw her today. Yes, it is a tumor, but he said it doesn't feel like it's connected to anything so she has surgery Wednesday morning to remove it. They will of course send a sample off to the lab to confirm what kind of tumor it was and what I can expect. The good news is of course, I still have my cat, the rest is still unknown at this point. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. Her name is Katie.

Posted by: JD1 Jun 9 2006, 03:04 PM

On Wednesday the tumor, or tumors were removed. She has a very long suture line, but she is eating and drinking. Mainly sleeping, but that's fine. I took her back in today because of the swelling and I couldn't tell if it was normal or not. Neither could the vet but she sent me home with some anti-biotics (coulda sworn I should have had those to begin with) and to give it to her twice a day. Won't know for about another week or so if it was cancer or not. We sure hope not.

Posted by: MyMeiko Jun 9 2006, 03:12 PM

Treasure every moment you have with her. I would give anything to have just one more moment with Meiko. The day I was suppose to pick him up the vet called and said he passed away. I wish I was there with him, to let him know that I love him. Everyone tells me that he knew, he had a very loving family but I still wish I was there when he left this world.
I will pray for you both and hope that she has a very long fulfilled life ahead of her. I thought I would have many years left with Meiko, everything was so unexpected that it makes everything much harder to accept. You are both very lucky to have each other.

Posted by: JD1 Jun 13 2006, 01:37 PM

Her post-op care is getting a little frustrating. She wore a collar home to prevent irritation to the area. Problem is, if she wears it she NEVER lays down. If I take it off (which I have) she licks the area and causes it to ooze. The vet doesn't seem concerned about that and gave me some antibiotics that I hide in her wet food. Any ideas about the licking?

Also, this thread really doesn't belong in this forum anymore since I don't think she is dying, if a mod could move it to a more appropriate place I would appreciate it. Thanks!

Posted by: SJ J & S Jun 14 2006, 07:55 AM

Your post is just fine here but if you would like me to move it theres no problem, PM me or Muffins.

Im glad hear things are ok though good news is good to hear.

Love Sue

Posted by: JD1 Jun 14 2006, 09:28 PM

That's cool.

Well, today I spent time cleaning her wound of nasty stuff, and generally making sure she is more or less comfy. I know it has to hurt so I try to be as gentle as I can while cleaning the area. Lot of warm moist rags, rinse and repeat.

Posted by: JD1 Mar 12 2007, 01:47 PM

Well, not even a year & 2 surgeries later Katie is losing her fight with the cancer. It came back and it's horrible. The difficult thing now is finding the strength in me to take her to the vet to do what is needed. Her little body just can't handle it anymore and I can't put her through any more operations simply for my sake. It's ulcerated and it's time. The bad part of this whole thing is, I know it's the best thing for her at this point, but it's the ride to the vet while she is crying in the carrier on the way. I just don't have it in me. Lord, give me strength. I'm a grown man and I've been crying like a baby all day. How the hell am I supposed to follow through on having my friend put to sleep?

Posted by: Furrys Mum Mar 12 2007, 02:38 PM

I am so sorry that Katie is losing the battle against cancer, but you have given her those nine extra months of life. When my darling Furry had to be pts in July 2006, the vet came out to our house - couldn't they do that for her? I could never have taken her in as she was so ill, so she passed away on our bed. Whichever way it happens it is a nightmare, but I know that Furry would have died on the journey, so that is one area that I don't have guilt about.
Thinking of you, I'm so sorry, why can't they live as long as us?
Judith

Posted by: radgirl Mar 12 2007, 02:43 PM

My sincere condolences for your childhood cat. We went through the same thing with our beloved Misty 3 months ago, and the last day has haunted my husband too. I guess the last day didn't matter to me as much the end result: no Misty...no tummy time, treat mat time, or outside play.

I am sorry you are going through the same pain with your current cat as well. Misty also had cancer. IT seems to be the only decision to make for them when cancer strikes......I am so sorry, we're here to help.

Misty's Mama

Posted by: JD1 Mar 12 2007, 02:47 PM

Thanks for the kind words. I'm just waiting on my wife to get home so she can say goodbye at this point. It just never gets easier at all. We don't have human children so our cats are definately our babies. But yeah, we got to spend 9 more months with her and I know she appreciated at least some of it. Maybe not the surgeries, but I know she enjoyed the added attention.

Posted by: Furkidlets' Mom Mar 12 2007, 03:02 PM

If not a home visit by your vet (many will do this for an extra fee), then what about a mobile vet? You might look in the Yellow Pages, or ask one or more vets if they know of any in your area.

My thoughts are with you for the impending loss of your Katie, regardless of where or when. There's no need to feel you've not done the best you could have for her. As to the rest....all of it it just sucks. It's so hard when they've been ailing for some time, but at least it was precious time still spent with those they love, as it is for us, and I'm sure they wouldn't have it any other way. If it were easy, it wouldn't be worthy of their great souls. If you and your wife can lean on each other in this heartbreak, that will make it a bit less painful. Thinking of you both.

Posted by: JD1 Sep 27 2007, 10:43 PM

Wow, I can't believe how long ago I started this thread. Anyway *deap breath* here goes.

Katie ended up having one more surgery as the vet was optimistic to the outcome. Well, the outcome wasn't good. I buried her in the backyard two nights ago under the tree. Today I put an arrangement of flowers, her picture, and her two favorite toys on the grave. She pretty much died in my arms as I was telling her it was ok to go and that we loved her very much. She acknowledged me once more time with a slight meow and then that was it. Her poor little body finally gave out. I've been caring for her so much for the past year that I am completely lost not without her here. A lot of time looking after her wounds after surgery and giving meds. Not to mention cleaning her when she couldn't clean herself and wiping her face and eyes. She was a major part of my everyday life and I find the extra time I have now torture. I know she is in a much better place now, but I'd give anything to have her back right now. We got to have her for over another year, I thank her for that time. I can never show her how much it meant and that alone is killing me.

I try to go on with the everyday things that life requires, but several times a day I break down in tears. I have NEVER been this hurt after the loss of a loved pet. I know it sounds silly coming from a grown man, but I feel horrible.

Posted by: murraykatz Sep 27 2007, 11:48 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about time. I could hardly stand to be home for the first few days. All my time had been spent taking care of my cat Murray. After he was gone I felt like I couldn't breathe in my own home. I've been taking a lot of walks outside and it seems to help. It's only been nine days so I'm no expert in coping but I think this forum is helping a lot too. My husband and I also have only have furkids and most people don't understand how we feel. So I just wanted you to know you are not alone. My thoughts are with you and your wife. Take care, Kathy.

Posted by: toonie Sep 28 2007, 05:29 AM

JD1 I am all heart with you. I can certainly understand how hard a time you are having because when I lost my soulmate last November it took me on the hardest journey my heart has ever known. I am a mature 55 year old woman, I lost a dearly loved father years ago after a lengthy illness but the deepest hurt. the hardest cut was when I lost my cat. I lost a part of myself. I think it even showed on me, I remember meeting an acquaintance only a few days after my cat was put to sleep and she asked me if I had lost a whole lot of weight and of course I could not have done so in just 3 days but I think the impact, the aura of this loss was visible to anyone who was sensitive to my soul's despair. You know and I know that it will get better but that the first year is a hard one. It is a journey into our spiritual world too, we question we wonder we hear from elsewhere we are confused but we have entered another world, we have sort of followed our heart there. It's good to save moments for grieving, call it meditating because it becomes that too. And sometimes during these moments, you may get the feeling that Katie is with you and most likely she is. Once they pass on, I believe they become larger than life. They learn the mysteries that will be revealed to us. And their presence that comes to us, the calm it brings means I can reasonably hope that we will all be together eventually. But do I miss holding my baby, his weight in my arms, unlike any other cat's weight, unlike any other love in the world. You bet
Hugs to you dear heart, it is a hard road but one which we must travel, one where we will have seen and heard a lot of new things and one which will leave us hopeful, after a lot of tears have fallen. Take care all of you who grieve and know that for every great pain there will be a great joy, later.

Posted by: John B Sep 28 2007, 09:56 AM

JD1,
I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I actually wrote a long post that seems to have disappeared. I've been having this happen lately. Maybe somebody is trying to tell me something.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this but Katie is worth every tear. I still cry a little every day. It will get better but maybe never completely the same, but then again what does ever stay the same. The good news is Katie is free of pain and your heart can be assured that she is happy.

Keep communicating with those who care like you have been doing. Love truly is a healing thing.

Take care
John

Posted by: JD1 Sep 28 2007, 12:55 PM

Thanks guys. I do miss her an aweful lot. I keep going back to her favorite spots and talking to her like she is still there. Telling her how sorry I am and how much I love her. I know I told her it was ok to go when I was holding her for those last moments and I truly think she heard me but I really want her back.

She wasn't the only cat in the house, but she was our oldest. From the time she adopted us one day by walking up into the driveway and into our lives. She was abandoned by a family that rented a house across the street from us. She just saw me hanging out in the garage and came over. I heard a mow behind me and it was prolly the most sad voice I had heard in a long time. We got to have about 10 years with her after that. She didn't have an easy life there towards the end and I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not giving up. In retrospect I probably should have told her I love her and said goodbye to her a while back. I just couldn't do it, not while there was still a chance at some quality of life. In the end she got to live out her time with us and with me and I thank God for every moment. She was a special cat. Even when she was dealing with wearing that stupid E-collar she still summoned up a happy face whenever she saw me. She was for the most part the happiest cat I've ever seen. At least up until the cancer took her.



How could anyone abandon that? She was a kitten too. People kill me sometimes.

We love and miss you very much honey.

Posted by: forduffy Sep 30 2007, 08:45 PM

My heart goes out to you for your loss of Katie, a special little Kitty who was able to fight so much. I am a 32 year old who just witnessed my childhood puppy (since I was 16) being euthanized so I could empathize with you on so many levels. Katie is so beautiful and she will be in my thoughts and prayers for a long time. I hope that she has found my Duffy and together, they are playing and enjoying the Rainbow Bridge. It has not even been 3 weeks yet and I've cried every day so I understand and am here for you because I know the difficulty of losing a member of your family.

Posted by: JD1 Dec 20 2008, 02:41 AM

Wow, over a year later. Anyway, life went on of course. We adopted a 6 week old Orange Female Tabby a few weeks after my last post here. She has been a handful, but worth every moment.

I would like to very much thank everyone for their kind words. It really helped me more than you know. At the time it was hard to reply more than I did simply because of the tears. There are still times where I think I see or hear her but it no longer pains me to do so. When it happens I still talk to her, but it's more of a "How you doing today baby?" I've been able to get over 99.9% of the guilt so talking to her now is a good thing. Her main space in the house is where I spend most of my downtime.

So anyway, thanks again. Sadly though, we have a houseful of cats so I might need your help again someday.

Posted by: toonie Dec 20 2008, 05:35 AM

Your love for one another is still very much alive and your baby has healed you from within. Beautiful.

Posted by: goliath Dec 20 2008, 06:35 AM

How wonderful for you to have found a way to keep Katie so alive and well in your heart. I know the struggle of that first year too. All the ups and downs, the tears, and finally finding peace. Letting go of the pain and guilt has allowed you to move on with your life. As Toonie said, the love has healed you from within. Katie's gentle and loving spirit stays with you now and forever in a soothing kind of way. I too find myself talking or singing to my Goliath and just like you find it a good thing. Those special memories you made with Katie were the gift she left you to keep you smiling for the rest of your natural life.

May you always be showered in the beautiful and wonderful memories you have of Katie.

Hugs of love,
Beth

Posted by: LoveThem Dec 22 2008, 07:09 PM

My last loss has been over a year also and I, too, still talk to my Little Guy. Nothing wrong with that.

Glad to hear you are doing well. (as well as we can expect to). It really does take time and I am glad to hear you have your little tabby.

I adopted a shelter cat last 12/26 so my home is not completely empty. Like your tabby, he keeps me busy..but I am never too busy to think of my boy who is no longer here.

Hugs for the Holidays and wishing you a peaceful and wonderful new year. Our babies never leave us...they just move further into our hearts.

Judy