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Posted by: Kellyt Oct 29 2012, 06:17 PM

My approx 6 yr old shepherd husky mix, Wolfie, died unexpectedly today. I took him to a state of the art 24 hr emergency vet, and despite numerous tests and ultrasounds, they missed diagnosing what wound up killing him-pancreatitis. My husband and I cannot believe that they didn't catch it sooner. There was talk of leptospirosis and liver cancer, as his enzymes were through the roof, but an ultrasound revealed gallbladder issues. Wolfie went in to surgery, and we were very cautiously optimistic, as the vet did say there could be infection complications bc he had bile in his abdomen.
Fast forward two hours, and we get a call that Wolfie took a turn for the worse and his heart stopped during surgery. We race there, in the middle of an impending hurricane, to find out he was gone. GONE. All due to a heart arrhythmia brought on by complications from pancreatitis. We were shocked and stunned. Pancreatitis was never mentioned, despite all the blood test and ultrasounds. Not once!
So now,needless to say, we are devastated. Our boy is gone. We weren't able to have children, so he's our baby. Everything I do, smell, see, and touch reminds me of him. To think of a future without him takes my breath away. I plan on going to a support group, but in the meantime, we're here, left to struggle with our shock and grief at losing the most gentle, sweet, funny, beautiful creature. We were so blessed to have him in our lives, but we feel cheated bc we didn't have more time with him, and bc he didn't have the long life he so deserved.

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 29 2012, 06:41 PM

Sorry for the duplicate posts. Trying to figure out how to delete using my phone.

Posted by: Lindsey Oct 29 2012, 09:33 PM

Kelly,

I am very sorry for your loss. Tomorrow will be the 2 month anniversary since I lost my Penny Lane. They leave such a huge space when they go. I am sorry the vet did not realize what was wrong. I know that must add to the devastation of him being gone. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 29 2012, 11:22 PM

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for your loss too. They really do leave a huge space when they leave.

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 07:00 AM

I still can't believe he's gone. Couldn't sleep last night. Just kept replaying the last time we saw wolfie before his surgery. He looked so sick and tired, but we thought that once his gallbladder was out, that would solve the problem. We kissed and hugged him, over and over. i quietly sang You are my Sunshine to him. I'll never forget how he lifted his head as we walked away. I just said I love you, as the tears started. Two hours later, he was gone. It absolutely kills me that we couldn't be there to say goodbye and ease his transition. He had to go on an operating table...why????
I had to go upstairs to an empty room last night and just scream and cry it out again-wanted my poor husband to get some sleep. The pain is overwhelming and scary. Wolfie was by far the biggest bright spot in our lives. He helped see me through so much grief and trauma. Did I rely on him too much? Now that he's gone, I feel so lost and scared. Afraid that this grief will consume me, and that I'll never feel whole again.
I took the tshirt i kept in his cage at the hospital to bed with me last night, and we slept with his harness too-the last two things that touched our boy. Waking up was so rough, realizing that he wasn't going to come over to my side of the bed, all smiles and tail wags, to start the day.
It all hits me in tidal waves...seeing his food bowls, the case of food we just bought him, his bed, which I lay in from time to time, just inhaling his scent, his favorite toys, all the memories that are triggered, everywhere I look. No more walks, no more playing in the yard, no more sweet face in the window, saying goodbye as we left for work. No more sweet face in the window as we pull in the driveway, greeting us, giving us the best part of our day.
I miss him terribly. What do I do now that the sunshine is gone??? The heartache is consuming me. I'm so so sorry that you didn't have more time, sweetest boy. Please forgive us.
I wish, wish, wish the vet caught the problem sooner.
So grateful to have this forum, where I can express the grief without worrying about being judged.

Posted by: moon_beam Oct 30 2012, 10:36 AM

Hi, Kelly, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Wolfie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion suddenly intensifies the grief.

Kelly, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity both emotionally and physically. It is a journey filled with many different emotions that normally consume us all at one time - - having control over our emotions during our deep grief is almost near to impossible - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

From what you have shared with us, Kelly, there is no doubt whatsoever that you and your husband did everything in your power to give your beloved Wolfie a happy and healthy earthly journey. When our companions are in a medical crisis sometimes the veterinary care providers can restore our companion's health so that they can continue to enjoy a good quality of life with us. And sometimes, sadly, as is the case of your beloved Wolfie, all the heroic attempts are unsuccessful. Under the circumstances your beloved Wolfie's transition to the angels was peaceful as he was under the effects of the anesthesia - - he felt no pain or discomfort. Still, knowing this does not diminish the deep sorrow that is in your heart that you were not by his side to hold him and comfort him.

One of the most painful adjustments we endure during our grief journey is adjusting to the physical absence of our companions. This adjustment does not happen in the first minute, first hour, first day, first week, first month - - or even 6 months. It is an adjustment that can only happen one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

The good news in the midst of this excruciating pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Wolfie share is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Even though you were not physically with him during his surgery and transition home to the angels, he felt your love with him - - as he feels your love with him now. Nothing in heaven or on earth will ever change this. Nothing in heaven or on earth can ever diminish this love bond you share. His sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will. He is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, and encouragement as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Wolfie with us, Kelly. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture(s) of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Chandanimane Oct 30 2012, 11:03 AM

Hi Kelly,

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. That must have been a great shock to you. Regardless of whatever warnings we're given, we still believe that everything will turn out alright. You know, I can understand what you're going through. My dog Zena just passed away on October 20th. She was diagnosed with liver cancer back in September. On her last day, her liver started to fail and she was in a lot of pain. I finally found a vet who would come out and put her down. I called at around 9pm, and he arrived about an hour later. I was a wreck at that point because in my opinion, it took too long. I couldn't bear the sight of her being in pain. Even when we were given the diagnosis of a terminal disease and I did everything I could think of to keep her comfortable during her last month, I still look back and say 'what if?'. What if I caught it sooner, or what if I made sure we had some pain medication to at least ease some of it? I have to admit, I was upset at the vet for not even mentioning pain medication. If it was a matter of her liver, what difference did it make? I called the vet first that night, at 7pm. The particular vet who was seeing Zena wasn't there, so they took down a message and told me that a vet would call me back. Any vet would have been acceptable. The vet we had been seeing didn't call me back until the following morning. I had to tell her it was too late. She sounded like she didn't know what to say because it was such a sensitive subject, and that was the end of that. I never even received a condolence letter in the mail. I am upset at them, and I will never take a pet there again. I know that no one is perfect, including us, but what I'm trying to say is, I can understand you having those thoughts about the vet and about the entire situation. Maybe one day we can completely forgive since they really did try their best at the time (although we still have the right not to do business with them again if that is what we so choose), but right now, it's all still fresh.

I know that the saying time heals all wounds sounds trite at the moment, but as time passes, it will get easier. That's not to say you won't experience bouts of grief. I started a thread on public displays of grief because a few days after Zena was put down, I almost cried in front of my co-workers unexpectedly. It just rose up out of the blue. All I can suggest is that whatever guilt you may be feeling, please try to let it go. You cared for Wolfie as if he were your own child. There is no better treatment you could have given him than that. He knows that you loved him. With every caress and kiss and hug and tender voice speaking or singing to him, he knows how much he meant to you. I'm using present tense because I don't believe that the bond ever disappears. Please don't hesitate to keep talking through this. If you have any pictures you would like to put up here, we would love to see them. And know that you are not alone in this. We all thought of our beloved pets as our babies, and we all have faced their physical loss. Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Laura

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 08:18 PM

Dear moon_beam,
Words truly cannot express the gratitude I feel for your amazingly poignant and beautiful reply. Every word you wrote has helped to ease my grief and validate how I'm feeling. Thank you. It truly is a horror roller coaster, a "ride" that is unpredictable and so painful, filled with tears and ups and downs that leave me almost breathless at times.
As the day went by, I found myself feeling ever so slightly better. Today was our first full day without Wolfie, and while it started out with me going out to the car to scream and bawl in privacy (my father in law is staying with us) I'm beginning to work through everything as best as I can. It's so new and raw right now though. Finding the half eaten can of dog food in the fridge, and picturing Wolfie running into the kitchen to eat; running my fingers along the inside of his food bowl to feel where he last ate just 3 nights ago; finding more toys around the house; cleaning up his husky hair off the floors. I couldn't bring myself to vaccuum it; I just swept it up with my hands. Little by little, his physical presence is fading, and that's so hard to come to terms with. As you said though, his spirit is with us, and that is one thing that brings some comfort. I saw 11:11 on the clock this morning and made a wish (silly I know), and it came to me that my wish is that he knows and feels our deep love for him, and that we can feel his for us. I really felt him at that moment. That is precious beyond measure, a priceless gift, just as his physical presence was.
I'm so very touched by your invitation to post pictures. The first one I dared to look at this morning left me reeling, but once I cried it out, I was able to look through all the pics and videos on my phone, and while it was most bittersweet, my heart smiled watching him run and play. He was such a happy boy. So yes, I will gladly post pics, and share my gentle, special boy.
With deep gratitude,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 08:54 PM

Dear Laura,
Thank you so so much for your reply, and for sharing your story with me while your loss is so new. You are an amazing person to be able to comfort someone in the midst of your own brand new journey. While I would never wish this kind of pain (or any pain for that matter) on anyone, it is so helpful to know that there are others who truly understand what it's like to lose a pet, a special being who shares a unique bond, a bond that is built on unconditional love. These amazing creatures give so much and ask for so little.
I'm so very sorry for the physical loss of your precious Zena. You clearly did everything humanly possible to ensure that her final days on Earth were filled with comfort and love. I think that the fact that we question whether we've done enough or whether we made the right choices just shows what dedicated and loving human companions we are, ones who cherish our babies to no end. I'm also so sorry that the vet didn't handle the situation properly. Like you wrote, I suppose they try their best. It just hurts to be left with the what ifs. I try not to go there too often, though. Too painful, and won't bring them back.
I totally understand the bouts of grief. I've had a few days off due to the storm; school is closed tomorrow too, and I've already decided to take the rest of the week to work through my grief and honor Wolfie by saying goodbye in whatever way my husband and I decide. Can't really picture going in to teach and giving it my all while this is so new. I showed my students photos of Wolfie just days ago, and now I have to find a way to stay composed when they mention him next and I have to tell them that he's gone. I'm sure their sweetness will overwhelm me.
I'm so very grateful to have the support of people who truly understand, and am grateful for how you've responded and supported me in my time of need. You and Zena are in my thoughts...wishing you peace in the knowledge that you gave Zena a wonderful life and a peaceful passing.
Hugs to you,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 09:30 PM

Trying to post pics. There are a few; I never could help myself when sharing him. Such a handsome guy Here are wolf and pepper, a dog we fostered last summer...

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 09:33 PM

And a few more

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 30 2012, 09:36 PM

Looking at these pics hurts-searing pain. Makes me relive yesterday and realize that I'm still in a state of shock somewhat.

Wolfie, we are so blessed by your presence in our lives, and everyone who knows you feels the same way. Thank you for everything, sweetest boy.

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 31 2012, 07:18 AM

Second morning without Wolfie on this earth. The pain and grief are crushing and scary. I miss him so much. Not sure how life will go on as it's lost so much purpose, meaning, and joy. Have been awake since 4:30. Spent some time a little frantically recording all the little (but actually big) things I'm going to miss about him. The way he grunted with satisfaction when we pet him. The soulful way he would look at me at times; Wolfie's soul was/is so incredibly special. He is an amazing spirit, a gentle, sweet soul who truly touched whoever he came into contact with.

****Question: Can I please get opinions on why the universe might take a beloved companion so soon, before old age?? It's always bothered and puzzled me with humans as well. Do beings who are here for a short time have a fair chance at reaching their destiny, fulfilling their purpose??
I took it for granted that Wolfie would grow old with us, that we'd have the privilege of gently guiding him into old age, that we'd be able to continue to shower him with all the love he deserves. That we would be there when he passed, loving on him, being the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes for the last time. This is breaking my heart. We certainly weren't ready for him to leave (of course, no one is EVER ready) but was HE??? Did he go willingly, peacefully, or does he feel cheated too? This is starting to haunt me; I think that ultimately I need to believe that he is at peace with his time here having ended. I can't imagine him any other way. It's still a struggle though, feeling like his time with us here wasn't supposed to be up yet. I've been just starting to take baby steps toward feeling better about life, physically, mentally, emotionally, and now his passing makes me feel shattered and lost. I really don't know how to live without him, how life will go on to have any true meaning now. And that scares and depresses me terribly.

Posted by: moon_beam Oct 31 2012, 10:54 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing these wonderful pictures of your beloved Wolfie with us. What a handsome fellow he is!!! He has a sweet, gentle face with expressive eyes that reflect the eternal love bond you and he share.

Kelly, please let me try to offer you some words of comfort in that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a companion is as painful, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. You are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" - - and your heart breaks anew.

Vacuuming, cleaning, - - all of the activities that once included the physical presence of your beloved Wolfie will now feel like you are "erasing" him from your life - - this is one of the many painful experiences during the grief journey. In reality, though, you are not. You can scour the floor clean, you can vacuum, you can wash every blanket and piece of clothing that holds his hair and fur, you can put away all his toys and food dishes - - BUT - - he is FOREVER in your heart and your memories - - and NOTHING can ever change this. You not only have the physical pictures and videos of specific moments in his earthly journey to look at but you also have those "Kodak moments" that are indelibly imprinted into your heart to cherish. I promise you, Kelly, NOTHING will ever "erase" your beloved Wolfie from your heart and life. I hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find some comfort and peace in your heart.

You are so very astute in your observation that no one will ever be prepared for the moment in time when our companions precede us to the angels. It doesn't matter how much time we share with our companions during our earthly journey with them - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them. Still, when they precede us to the angels at such a young and tender age we cannot help but feel that our time with them was too short. I know first hand how this feels, for in 2006 and 2010 two of my companions joined the angels at the tender age of 6 years old due to end stage cancers. This still breaks my heart not just for me but for my precious Noah who was very bonded to them, and who is now the sole survivor in a household that once enjoyed the physical presence of four furkids - - including Noah. There are times for me still when this doesn't seem fair.

When we embrace our companions into our hearts and homes, the "reality" is that we do so without foreknowledge of the moment and circumstances that will eventually physically separate us. If we had this foreknowledge then we would be faced with making a horrible mistake of not sharing their earthly journey in order to protect ourselves from the deep sorrow of physically losing them. NONE of us know what our "appointed time" is in this earthly journey. This is why we cherish their physical presence with us every moment - - and which is why they, too, cherish their earthly journey with us. Regardless of the circumstances that physically separate us I firmly believe with all my heart that our companions are in complete peace and happiness in the company of the angels. This does not mean they do not miss us - - it simply means that they are in a place where there is no sorrow, grief, or pain while they patiently wait for our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy.

Until this happens, though, we are faced with the incredibly painful adjustment of inventing a "new normal" that no longer includes the physical needs of our beloved companions - - and this is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. But I promise you, Kelly, that one day when you least expect it the seering pain of sorrow that is now in your heart will begin to ease, and you will find a renewed "purpose" to your daily routines. And I promise you that your beloved Wolfie is keeping a loving vigil over you and is guiding you now to this moment in time when the deep sorrow you now feel will not be so painful. You are his living legacy - - the heir to his eternal love - - the only one on this planet who is blessed to be his Forever Mom. He wants you to be happy as you continue on with your earthly journey - - but he also knows this will take time.

Keeping a journal of your treasured memories is one of many excellent ways to help you through this grief adjustment journey. You may consider making a "memorial" card of your beloved Wolfie and sharing it with your students. This will help your students to understand the wisdom of validating ALL living creatures, and perhaps will lessen the emotional burden for you when you may be asked about him.

I hope I have been able to offer you some comfort, encouragement, support, and hope, Kelly, as you continue with your grief adjustment journey. There are some questions that simply do not have an adequate answer, but I hope eventually somehow you will be able to find some peace in your heart.

Thank you again so much, Kelly, for sharing your beloved Wolfie with us, and these wonderful pictures of him. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Pippin's Mom Kel Oct 31 2012, 12:59 PM

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Oct 31 2012, 08:18 AM)

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 31 2012, 09:46 PM

Dear moon_beam,
I cannot thank you enough; again you've written such beautiful words that have brought me such comfort. You're so right about nothing ever erasing Wolfie from my life; it's just so difficult to let go of the physical presence, but I know that he's with my husband and me, and will always be. I'm already experiencing occasional respite from the intense grief-I think it may be more like numbness and denial. To be honest, I welcome the breaks. I need them to feel like there is hope that I will be able to go on. I need them because I need to gather some strength for the next sucker punch in the gut when I realize that he's really gone and not coming back; that the nightmare is real and i won't be "waking up" from it. What helps is believing that, as you wrote, Wolfie is keeping a loving vigil over me. That is something I can feel at times and have faith in. It takes some effort, especially when I'm missing his physical presence, but I do believe.
I so love what you wrote about being Wolfie's living legacy, the heir to his eternal love. After he passed (actually beforehand too) I vowed to live life in a way that reflects all he has taught me, and all that he embodied: living in the moment, embracing the simple, yet important things in life, and finding the good in everything. He is my best teacher.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about two of your sweet babies who left this world at such young ages. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you and for Noah (Love that name, by the way). They really do feel the loss. Three of our four kitties are definitely behaving a bit differently and have been extra attentive. Their affection and presence are certainly helping us cope.
Again, moon_beam, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise, kind, and healing words. You have helped me more than you know. I wish you and Noah a wonderful evening, enjoying the special bond you share.
Warmly,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Oct 31 2012, 10:43 PM

Dear Pippin's Mom Kel,
Thank you so much for your very comforting words. I really appreciate the time you've taken to write. I am so grateful for the replies I've received here; replies that speak to me on a level that only people who have endured what we have can understand. I'm so sorry for your losses. It is indeed hard to lose them at a young age. I agree that we are blessed to have had these special creatures in our lives, regardless of how long they've stayed. I've been trying to wrap my head around the idea that Wolfie's time here was complete, but i'm not there yet. The what ifs creep in from time to time. Over time, I hope to come to accept that there are certain aspects of his passing that I may not understand, and instead of focusing on that, I should try to focus on the love we shared, and the incredible way he touched my life, forever. He really was special, an old soul. As an embroidered piece I bought months back reads: Life is a balance between holding on and letting go. I feel like that describes this journey I'm now beginning.

Again, thank you so much for your kind words. They've helped, and will continue to help, immeasurably.

-Kelly

P.S. I love that Earl Grey is the picture of Horatio, right down to the meow.

Posted by: LynnMiller Nov 1 2012, 01:58 AM

I am so very sorry for your unexpected loss. How absolutly devastating. I can't imagine being without my Lucymae. She died 3 weeks ago today. The pain is devastating. We are not alone in our grieving. I wish I could take all the pain away from all of us. I wish our animals could live longer lives.

Once again I am so sorry about Wolfe. It breaks my heart.

Hugs to you and your husband.

Lynn

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 1 2012, 07:17 AM

Hi Lynn,
Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Lucymae. Yes, the pain is so devastating, it's impossible to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. Everywhere we look we are reminded of Wolfie. I hope that eventually that will make me smile, but right now it honestly feels traumatic. Makes me wish I could will him back. That's just one of the many excruciating things right now. I'm at a point where I just want his physical presence back-to be able to hug and kiss him, even for just one more time.
What definitely helps is the support of others, and that includes all of you amazing people here. I wish we could have a support group in person, but this is great too.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts, Lynn. Hoping that you can feel some peace knowing that Lucymae was and is so loved and that she passed on knowing that you love her.
Hugs,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 1 2012, 07:41 AM

Morning number three without my sweetest boy. I slept a little better last night, and am feeling the tiniest bit stronger. I know that's Wolfie helping me out. I believe that. I have to. I'd still give anything in the world to be able to hug him again, to tell him how much we adore and love him. I'm so glad we were able to see him briefly before he went into surgery.
I've been torturing myself a bit with the what ifs and some of them are beyond unbearable. Like what if he raised his head as we were leaving for the last time because he was, in his weakened state, trying to tell us, no, they missed it Mom and Dad, they didn't get it right. Help me. I'm so sorry if this causes anyone who reads this pain, but I think I need to get it out and acknowledge the thought so I can then work on putting it to rest somehow. Not sure how other than to ignore it or let it go. Have to try for the sake of my sanity.
I'm scared to go on in the real world. I've been off all week due to the storm. (Can't believe the devastation. My heart goes out to everyone who has suffered. We were lucky to have gotten away with no damage.) I hope that going back to school and the craziness of my schedule is something I can handle. I worry so much because every day, and more so on the bad days, I would have sweet Wolfie to comfort me. He brought a light into my life that helped me put one foot in front of the other, and his presence brought such comfort, happiness, and joy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I fear that life is going to be unbearably dark once the pressures of real life kick back in. That the void and the loneliness will crush me.
Yesterday was rough. Every time a trick or treater came to the door, my husband and I would instinctively go to get Wolfie so that his barking wouldn't scare any children. He was the gentlest of dogs; like any dog though, he would bark when people came to the door. When the mailman came for the first time yesterday, it hit me that Wolfie would no longer be here to greet him. When bicycle riders go by, he's not here to bark at them, although I still expect to see him run to the door or window and bark. So hard. So very hard.
In my stronger moments, I do have faith that Wolfie's love will help carry me through the rough times. That he's here with me. That he wants me to be happy. I strive now to be a better person because of him, in his honor. I strive to love myself more because of him. I strive to let go of the small stuff and focus on what's truly important because of him.
Right now though, I just want him back. I want him back.

Posted by: Chandanimane Nov 1 2012, 08:27 AM

Wow, Kelly, what a beautiful dog. I can see it in his face how special he was, and he still is because his spirit lives on with you.

The what if that you speak of is an acutely painful one. We can acknowledge it as such and agree that you probably wouldn’t be the only one to think that way if the same thing happened to them. If it were me, there would probably be a part of me that would also say to myself, hey, you’re not perfect, there’s no way that you could have possibly known, and maybe I’m wrong, maybe my pet wasn’t saying that. Maybe that was just my interpretation of it. There would also be a part of me that would realize I would have to forgive myself. Then I might think, dogs are so much more accepting and forgiving than humans are. If I have the capacity to forgive myself, don’t I think my pet would forgive me sooner and more easily? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but our perceptions can really make the difference.

I went through the same thoughts as you last night when the trick or treaters came to our door. In a way, I was glad that she wasn’t around to get alarmed or upset. The same goes for Hurricane Sandy. I was glad that she wasn’t there to become afraid from it. Oh, and another thing happened to me this morning. On the first of every month, I’ve been giving my dogs heartworm medication. I looked at the calendar, saw that it’s Nov. 1st, instantaneously thought that I need to give heartworm medication this evening, then realized that this is the first time in 23 years I don’t have to give a dog heartworm medication. I knew there were going to be firsts, but I was blindsided by that one. Those moments come up at you at the most unlikely times.

I do believe that even though we can’t see our pets in the physical sense, they are still with us inside our heads and hearts, that they will forever be with us in the spiritual sense of the word. When we walk out that door and face the real world, going about our daily lives, we’re not suddenly left abandoned and alone. They are still with us, encouraging us to be the best we can be and to pursue happiness. That is what they would want for us. The fact that you’re trying to be a better person already shows what he is doing for you. Keep taking him with you wherever you go. The world won’t be dark with him shining a light for you.

I hope the day will get better for you. Thank you for posting those pictures. He really is a gorgeous boy.

Hugs,

Laura

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 1 2012, 09:38 AM

Thank you so much, Laura. He sure is striking and gorgeous, isn't he? Is that your Zena in your profile picture? Simply beautiful. We adopted Wolfie in 2008, after I received an email from a rescue contact about him. He was in a shelter in Ohio, and had been for five months. He was beginning to deteriorate and become very depressed, and they decided it was time to...(I can't even type the words) The shelter volunteer was pleading for Wolfie, asking someone to save him, as he was such a special boy. Of course, I was immediately drawn to him, and now I can see why even more clearly. He was meant for us, a special and priceless gift. The funny thing is we weren't even looking to adopt a dog. He just found his way to us. My amazing and incredible boy, sweet spirit. My only thought was, we have to save this boy. He can't go like that.
Well, once we agreed to take him without ever having met him, we began to have second thoughts right away. Are we crazy?? We've never had a dog before-can we handle the responsibility?? What will he be like?? We decided that we would foster Wolfie instead, just to give us some protection in case things didn't work out. HA!! Within about a second of meeting him we knew we were adopting him.
June 28, 2008- we drove about an hour to meet Wolfie in NJ. He was transported from the shelter all the way to NJ by volunteers who all lovingly agreed to take a leg of the journey to help get him to us. I found out later that more than one driver was brought to tears having met this beauty and having helped play a part in getting him to his forever home. Meeting him was surreal. Wolfie was so desperate to bond with someone that he grew very attached to the most current driver he met, so he was attached to the person who brought him to NJ. We had to coax him into the car, and he seemed a little unsure. Mike, my husband, drove, while Wolfie sat in the back of our truck, with me in the middle seat, petting and reassuring him. A thunderstorm hit, and I climbed into the back with him to help soothe him. (As time passed he seemed to grow more and more afraid of storms. I just bought him a thunder shirt this year, and it did help. He looked so cute in it.) Once we arrived home, it was time to test him with the cats. They were not pleased with him at all, but as the shelter volunteer said he would be, he was fine with them. Wolfie was always so tolerant of the cats. He let them use his bed, drink his water (I saw him wait one time for our Mama cat to finish drinking before he went to drink out of his bowl.) Just the most sweet and sensitive creature I have EVER met. Everyone who knew him agrees.
Oh wow Laura, if you're still reading this, sorry I just rambled on like that!!!!! If you're not still reading I understand. I definitely need to start journaling and writing about Wolfie's story. I think while painful, it will be therapeutic.

Thank you for your thoughts about my what ifs. So very helpful to think about it in terms of perceptions. That one interpretation of why he lifted his head may be totally off, and I truly hope it is. Not knowing is one of the hardest things, but I guess then I can choose to believe that, like you wrote, we had no idea, and even if he was trying to tell us something, he knows without a doubt that we love him with all our hearts and that we did what we thought was best, given what we were told by the vet.



I too gave heartworm meds at the beginning of the month. So sorry you were blindsided by it; so understandable after 23 years. Such a long history of caring for your precious babies. So many years of what I'm sure are wonderful memories and oh so much love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for reminding me that, on Monday morning, while he may not be in the window to see me off, he will still be with me.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 1 2012, 09:40 AM

These photos help show just how special he is...kissing our foster kitten goodbye, and giving up his bed for our kitty Nappy. My sweet baby.

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 1 2012, 11:00 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful pictures of your beloved Wolfie with his family member Nappy and foster kitty. These pictures bring a huge smile to my face and heart because I know how much you treasure them, and they also remind me so much of my beloved Black Lab Oslo who joined the angels Thanksgiving weekend 2009 at 15 years and 2 weeks of age. I so relate to your beloved Wolfie's tender heart.

And I so understand the brokenness you are feeling in your deep sorrow just wanting him back. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions touch us, lick / kiss us, rub against us they are chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, our bodies go through a literal withdrawal from their physical contact with us, which is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so very painful both emotionally and physically.

I truly wish there were an easier way to travel through this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately I do not know of one. Each journey is individual because each relationship we have with each of our companions is individual. I know I stress this in many of my responses but it is vitally important that you know you are not alone in your grief journey. Grieving can make a person feel very isolated, alone, abandoned - - even when they are among other people. Please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey, Kelly - - we are here to share the not so bad days, the more challenging days, and the days when you feel your heart cannot bear the burden of sorrow any longer.

As for today, Kelly, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 1 2012, 09:32 PM

moon_beam,
Thank you so very much for your continued responses to my posts. I so appreciate your support during this incredibly painful time. Thank you for sharing that Wolfie's sweet pictures reminded you of your beloved Oslo's sweetness. I'll bet he has brought you so many beautiful memories and love. Thank you also for explaining the reasons behind my "withdrawal"-that is really what it feels like.
Today was a rough day. I've been trying to tell myself that this is a roller coaster and to not be too afraid of the grief, but I still am so afraid of being swallowed up by it. I'm feeling drained and just so desperate for some relief from the roller coaster. On top of that, the horrific conditions around here in the wake of the storm make me feel guilty for my mourning, and also make me want Wolfie here that much more, as you naturally want loved ones physically close to you during times of tragedy. Then add to that the fact that I have a seemingly unending loop of the song Time in a Bottle going through my mind today, as I heard it on a grief website yesterday. Makes for a rough day.

This forum is really helping to ease the pain though, and I am incredibly grateful for your kind words. Although I wish none of us had to go through this, knowing that I'm not alone in my grief is tremendously helpful.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 2 2012, 12:31 AM

Missing Wolfie so badly. This is so hard. Feeling so raw, exhausted, and ready to wake up from this nightmare. Wake me up. Sorry to be dark, but this is where I am right now. I love you, Wolfie, with every fiber of my being. Please help me sweetheart.
I love you greener than the grass, bluer than the sky, brighter than a million suns. You are and always will be my sunshine. xoxoxoxoxo

Posted by: Pippin's Mom Kel Nov 2 2012, 03:59 AM

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 2 2012, 01:31 AM)

Posted by: Chandanimane Nov 2 2012, 06:39 AM

Hi Kelly,

Oh no, don’t think you’re rambling at all! I enjoy hearing about his story. The more you tell us about his background, the better we can get to know him and see what made him so special. He went through quite the adventure, traveling from one place to another and meeting different people along the way. It sounds like he was the kind of dog who could endear everyone to him. Not just humans, but cats too. You took some stunning pictures of him that you are fortunate to have and to be able to look back on. It shows in his eyes how much he loves you and how far from the depressed pup he was before you saved him.

The picture for my avatar is an old one of Zeus and Zena when she was a very little puppy. Zeus was the Alaskan Malamute/ Belgian Shepherd mix who I had to put down in June. That is another factor that is making this so hard, that I had to put him down in June and her in October. He had been with us for 12 years, and she had been with us for 11 years. I posted a recent picture of Zena in another thread, which I’ll put here along with another one of Zeus:





I’m really missing them both. It’s interesting, I had two dreams about him so far and only one of Zena, and both dreams were about a few seconds long. I wouldn’t mind having some more of them.

I'm sorry about the weight of the grief you're feeling right now. Just keep on talking through it. We're here to help and to sympathize and to keep reminding you that you're not alone.

Hugs,

Laura

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 1 2012, 10:38 AM)

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 2 2012, 11:51 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "On top of that, the horrific conditions around here in the wake of the storm make me feel guilty for my mourning, and also make me want Wolfie here that much more, as you naturally want loved ones physically close to you during times of tragedy." For different traumatic events in my life, I know what it is like to be mourning a devastating loss while still observing others who were enduring more extensive pain and suffering than I. I learned through this experience that I had a right to grieve my loss and no one had the right to diminish it regardless of other circumstances for other people. So please do not feel guilty about grieving the physical loss of your beloved Wolfie, Kelly. You have the right to grieve, and you have the right to your feelings, and you are entitled to having your feelings validated and to be comforted through your grief adjustment journey.

I also understand your concern about being swallowed up by this deep seering grief. This, too, is a very normal part of this grief journey. Nothing is the same in your life - - nor will it be. It is agonizingly painful to face each day right now having to adjust your daily routines that no longer include the physical needs of your beloved Wolfie. You are enduring the process of having to establish a "new normal" - - to literally re-define your life - - without your beloved Wolfie's sweet precious physical presence. But I promise you, Kelly, you will endure through your sorrow, and one day when you least expect it you will find yourself feeling a little stronger, you will begin to find a new "energy" to the days, and your heart will find a renewed joy when you think of your beloved Wolfie. And this is what your beloved Wolfie wants for you - - as he is with you now gently guiding you with his eternal love to the point in time when this will happen for you. But it is just going to take time, Kelly - - one day at a time in your own way and in your own time. With your beloved Wolfie's eternal love always with you, and with each of us here for you, my hope is that you will not be so afraid.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 2 2012, 01:30 PM

[quote name='Pippin's Mom Kel' date='Nov 2 2012, 04:59 AM' post='75039']
It's ok to be dark, Kelly. And it's ok to be raw and exhausted - of course you are. Grieving is hard work. It really is. I wish so very much that this were a nightmare from which you'd wake; it seems unfair that it's not, doesn't it?

I loved seeing the pictures of your Wolfie with the kitten - what a huge heart he must have had!

Please try to take care of yourself right now. Try to make sure you eat. Get some sleep, even if you have to take tylenol PM or something (I suggest asking a pharmacist for recommendations). Make sure you're hydrating yourself. All of these things are so hard to do in the depths of grief (and believe me, I know - I was deeply depressed after losing my father unexpectedly), but it's so important to try to do them; if your body's physical needs aren't being met, I think you'll find that your emotional and spiritual state will be so, so much worse. I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a nice, snuggly blanket right now!

Hang in there. It always hurts, but the grief becomes less raw. I'm off to bed, after working until 3 AM (or I'd try to find more to say), but I wanted you to know that you're not alone.


Pippin's Mom Kel,
Thank you so so much for your beautiful, kind words and advice. Reading your post was very comforting. You are so right...I need to try to take care of myself right now. I'm trying to nourish myself physically a bit more today. It definitely is hard, because it sometimes doesn't occur to me to eat, but I really like what you wrote about how it will help my emotional and spiritual state. Something I probably would have thought of during "normal" times, but so easy to overlook when grief is so acute.
Thank you most of all for the reminder that I'm not alone. I appreciate that so very much.

-Kelly

Posted by: kaylasmom Nov 2 2012, 01:41 PM

Hi Kellyt,
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Wolfie. I too lost a baby on the 29th, a 13 year old cat named Tyler. Know that you are among friends here on LS.
Shelby

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 2 2012, 02:43 PM

Dear Laura,
Thank you for your super kind words about Wolfie. He really was the kind of dog who drew people to him, even self-professed non-dog lovers. Just a gem.
Thank you for sharing your precious Zeus and Zena. They are just beautiful. I love the way Zeus is looking at the camera...you can so see the love in his eyes. The expression in his eyes reminds me of Wolfie I'm so terribly sorry that they passed on within months of each other. My heart goes out to you. I hope both of your babies visit you soon...I think they will. Hopefully Wolfie will visit me too. My mom told me that while she and my dad were listening to soothing music the other day, having lit a candle and having a sort of quiet time in remembrance of Wolfie, they saw two mourning doves sitting in a tree outside their window. They stayed for awhile, and before they flew away, the clouds opened up and rays of sun shone down on the birds. My mom instantly knew that was Wolfie shining down on mike and me. I just wish I was there to witness it.

Thank you so very very much for your support and the reminders to talk it out, and for letting me know that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful. So grateful.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 2 2012, 04:18 PM

Dear Shelby,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for your kind words. The support on this forum has been amazing.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

-Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 2 2012, 11:13 PM

Dear moon_beam,
Thank you so much for your comforting words. They are like a blanket that I can wrap around myself during times when the suffering is so great and the loneliness is overwhelming. To say that I'm glad to have found this forum is an understatement.
Today was slightly better. I left the house for several appointments throughout the day, and while it was good to leave the house for a bit, i found that to be just enough. Any more would have been a lot to handle. I'm fortunate to have had some time off from work (for terrible reasons-hurricane sandy), and that has given me some time to grieve and begin to process everything.
I originally planned to throw myself into all kinds of mourning "activities" this week to help me cope, and out of fear that once I return to work, I won't have any energy left at the end of the day and week to devote to projects like planting a tree, starting a scrapbook, choosing some type of urn, buying a box for Wolfie's belongings, and having a little ceremony of some sort to memorialize him. I feel a little anxious that it's almost Saturday, and I haven't really done much. I know I need to be gentle with myself right now, and that the projects can happen over time. It's the old guilt thing again. Perhaps it's best to try and remember the lessons I've learned from precious Wolfie, like to slow down, breathe, and be kind to myself. He knows I want these things to happen, and that they will, in time.
Off I go on a tangent again...thank you again for everything. I am extremely grateful.
Wishing you and Noah a wonderful weekend,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 3 2012, 07:44 AM

Rough morning. One week ago today was the last full day Wolfie was at home. And I spent it out and about, running errands, going out to dinner with a friend. I came home to hurriedly feed the animals and go back out again. Then once I got home, I took him for a long walk, and since it was late- and we came upon a fox and another creature that was prob a raccoon-I grew nervous and ran home with him. I feel AWFUL for having run him knowing now what was about to happen. Less than an hour later, Wolfie was relaxing on his bed and looked so content. Suddenly he stood up, and I could tell something was off so I let him outside. He got sick, but I thought it was just something minor, like a little bug. He got sick again though, and seemed to be uncomfortable. I thought about taking him to the 24hr vet but decided against it, thinking what kind of care will he get at 2am?? I didn't know. Ignorance on my part. I decided to watch him that night, so I slept in the recliner, which would allow me to keep a better eye on him, vowing to take him if I saw any more distress. He seemed to be ok. The next morning he was worse. I had no idea how bad though. I had to pull him a bit to urge him to walk to the car, and that is killing me right now. Once we got to the car, I had to lift him in because he was so weak. Then once we were at the emergency vet, I again had to coax him to walk inside. Why didn't I ask them to come outside and get him?????? He must have been so weak. The vet said she wasn't able to get a blood pressure reading. That's how bad it was. I know if I had understood just how bad, I would've acted so differently, but I can't fully shake the haunting feeling that I hurt my baby boy, and that he suffered even more because of me. I have no idea how long he was in pain even before that day. Was it an acute situation, or did this build up over time????

My husband woke up angry again yesterday, and decided to visit out regular vet to ask their opinion about what happened. He said the vet seemed a bit surprised about the circumstances leading up to Wolfie's passing, and said that the situation sounded rare, but that of course he would need to get the records before he could know more. We just want to try to get some answers. Even if we never know for sure what happened, we'll at least know we tried. We need to do it for us, and we need to do this for Wolfie.

I know it's futile to think about it, but I can't help wishing that if I can't have him back, that I could at least redo last Saturday. I would have spent every second with him, playing with him, petting and holding him, loving on him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I have to let these feelings out, then I know I also have to let them go. I hope that I can.

Sweet angel Wolfie, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to get help and get better, and I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me. You are the sweetest, most innocent of creatures, and from the depths of my heart and soul, I am so so sorry for the suffering that you endured. I don't know how long you were in pain. My only wish is that I could go back and take it all away.

Actually, I know Wolfie forgives me. I don't think I can forgive myself.

Posted by: Chandanimane Nov 3 2012, 09:59 AM

Hi Kelly,

Just so there isn't a continual misunderstanding, Zena is the one looking straight at the camera and Zeus is the one with the very long fur. But I appreciate so much what you said about her. It says a lot that she didn't feel threatened by that strange contraption I was pointing at her. I've backed up all of my pictures I have of them on my computer because some of them, especially this one of Zena and others that I have of Zeus, really capture their expressions and I don't want to lose that. I had a mixed blessing last night. I had a dream that I was at the vet with a new dog, a beagle, and it was sitting in the corner of a sofa. Next to it was Zena laying across the rest of the sofa, and I was kneeling down in front of her, facing them. I pet her and said that I wished she were still here with me, but when I looked at her face, she looked very ill, just how she looked before the vet came to our house. It was like she was giving me the message that I did the right thing, that no matter how much we loved each other, it was time to let her go. I think I had that dream because my mother made a comment about whether or not she was going to have another grandchild, meaning my getting another dog, and while I didn't say anything, I kind of felt like she was being premature about it when I'm still grieving over the ones that I lost. The dream may have been acting out how I just wasn't ready. Still, every time I have a dream about my dogs, I'm touching their fur and it feels so real. I hope you have dreams with Wolfie too. They feel like visits, however brief. Perhaps they are.

What a wonderful thing to have happen with your parents. I do believe in signs. This one would tell me that my beloved pet is resting peacefully in heaven, enjoying an existence free from pain, but not forgetting about me either. I think Wolfie was trying to reach out to you and your family and to let you all know that he is doing fine. I sincerely hope you get more of them.

Hugs,

Laura

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 2 2012, 03:43 PM)

Dear Laura,
Thank you for your super kind words about Wolfie. He really was the kind of dog who drew people to him, even self-professed non-dog lovers. Just a gem.
Thank you for sharing your precious Zeus and Zena. They are just beautiful. I love the way Zeus is looking at the camera...you can so see the love in his eyes. The expression in his eyes reminds me of Wolfie I'm so terribly sorry that they passed on within months of each other. My heart goes out to you. I hope both of your babies visit you soon...I think they will. Hopefully Wolfie will visit me too. My mom told me that while she and my dad were listening to soothing music the other day, having lit a candle and having a sort of quiet time in remembrance of Wolfie, they saw two mourning doves sitting in a tree outside their window. They stayed for awhile, and before they flew away, the clouds opened up and rays of sun shone down on the birds. My mom instantly knew that was Wolfie shining down on mike and me. I just wish I was there to witness it.

Thank you so very very much for your support and the reminders to talk it out, and for letting me know that I'm not alone. I'm so grateful. So grateful.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

Posted by: Chandanimane Nov 3 2012, 10:04 AM

Hi Kelly,

I realize my posts tend to get long, but please bear with me since I have two dogs I feel some regret over. With Zeus, he had a lot of health issues at the end. He weighed 106 pounds, had arthritis, had a splint put into his back left leg at the age of 8 because of a torn ligament, and because of that, he couldn't get up on his own. I had to get behind him and wrap my arms under his belly to lift him up. He would pant a lot because of his thick fur, but in the last few months, we would hear some whining with every pant, as if he were in pain. His seizures immediately occurred approximately two weeks apart. The day he went to the vet for the last time, it was two days later than the last seizure. We just knew it was the time. I didn't go because a) I wasn't made up (okay, yes, I am THAT insecure) and b ) because I didn't think I could handle it. I've never had to put down a pet before. My husband and daughter took him up there instead. The very last thing I did was to push him up into the back seat of my small Saturn because he was so big and heavy and he had trouble getting in himself. He whined because of course he couldn't sit comfortably back there, but we had no other mode of transportation. I shoved him in, said goodbye and 'I love you', shut the back door and walked back into the house. I can hardly forgive myself for that still. It's not that I didn't care. My goodness, I did, and I took pictures and a video of him that morning, knowing that it was his last day. I just didn't know what else I could do at the time. I cried when they left and felt horrible. Funny thing is, that very night Zeus visited me in a dream. He came up from behind me on the left, and I could hear his panting. I put my hand into his fur, looked down at him and said, "Thank you for coming back to me." Then I woke up. I know that he forgives me and that he was trying to tell me that he was okay. The hard part is for us to forgive ourselves.

With Zena, it looks like her liver started to fail on Friday night, Oct. 19th. On Saturday morning, I made calls to a few mobile veterinarians who could come out because at that point, she couldn't get up and walk at all, but I discovered that they don't like to work on Saturdays. There was one vet who quoted a price to come out, sedate and euthanize her, transport her back, cremate her and return the ashes. It was like double of another quote I got, so I told him I would call him back, hoping that this other person would call. She never did. During the day, Zena's pain got worse. By that night, she was howling in pain. I frantically called the guy back and told him I would pay it. It took him an hour to come out. I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for taking too long. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we just don't know. We can't predict the future, we can't look inside of them and see what is wrong. We're not perfect. I've found reasons to forgive myself. With Zeus, I already know he forgives me because of his visit. I am forever grateful to him for that. With Zena, when it was finally done, in that very last moment, I saw relief in her eyes. There were still remnants of the pain she had been going through, but I'm pretty sure I saw the relief there. That and the dream I had last night of her is telling me the same thing, that I did the right thing and I did the best that I could, and they know that. Believe me, I understand the guilt. I'm still dealing with it, but we have to realize that we're doing it to ourselves. Every sign I've ever gotten from my dogs has told me that they're not doing it to us.

I hope things get easier for you. Just take one day at a time and look for the signs. They'll be there.

Hugs,

Laura

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 3 2012, 08:44 AM)

Posted by: Pippin's Mom Kel Nov 3 2012, 11:06 AM

Kelly, I'm going to reply in-line, as I can... it looks like you're experiencing the very same guilt each and every one of us does when we lose our beloved friends, especially early and suddenly. Once again, sometimes it takes someone looking in from the outside to help with those feelings.

Rough morning. One week ago today was the last full day Wolfie was at home. And I spent it out and about, running errands, going out to dinner with a friend. I came home to hurriedly feed the animals and go back out again. Then once I got home, I took him for a long walk, and since it was late- and we came upon a fox and another creature that was prob a raccoon-I grew nervous and ran home with him. I feel AWFUL for having run him knowing now what was about to happen.

Well, let me ask you another question. Did Wolfie enjoy running? Maybe you gave him one last chance to do something he loved. Even if he didn't, how awful would you feel if one of the last things that happened was him getting scared/angry/defensive because of a run in with a wild animal. One of the last things you did with him was what every friend/parent/pet guardian should do - protect him!

Less than an hour later, Wolfie was relaxing on his bed and looked so content. Suddenly he stood up, and I could tell something was off so I let him outside. He got sick, but I thought it was just something minor, like a little bug. He got sick again though, and seemed to be uncomfortable. I thought about taking him to the 24hr vet but decided against it, thinking what kind of care will he get at 2am?? I didn't know. Ignorance on my part.

How could you possibly know what was coming? Animals vomit, and we often accept that's just something they do. Given some of the things I've seen dogs eat, I'd be surprised if they didn't get stomach illness once in a while!! And until/unless you've had to bring a pet in for emergency care, it's hard to know what resources you have, especially on holidays and off-hours. I now try to educate people on this... many people I know are surprised to know they even have chemotherapy for pets.


I decided to watch him that night, so I
slept in the recliner, which would allow me to keep a better eye on him, vowing to take him if I saw any more distress. He seemed to be ok. The next morning he was worse. I had no idea how bad though. I had to pull him a bit to urge him to walk to the car, and that is killing me right now. Once we got to the car, I had to lift him in because he was so weak. Then once we were at the emergency vet, I again had to coax him to walk inside. Why didn't I ask them to come outside and get him?????? He must have been so weak.

Oh, Kelly, you were just doing the best you could with the information you had. I can't imagine Wolfie begrudges you that.

The vet said she wasn't able to get a blood pressure reading. That's how bad it was. I know if I had understood just how bad, I would've acted so differently, but I can't fully shake the haunting feeling that I hurt my baby boy, and that he suffered even more because of me. I have no idea how long he was in pain even before that day. Was it an acute situation, or did this build up over time????

There can be cases of chronic and acute pancreatitis. Now, I'm using my human knowledge as an ICU nurse here, but bear with me. Acute pancreatitis comes on suddenly. It starts with abdominal pain and vomiting, and worsens quickly. If Wolfie was eating normally, acting normally until that night, I think it's a reasonable guess that it was an acute pancreatitis - something very sudden. I don't think he was in pain before that day. I get the impression chronic pancreatitis is uncomfortable, so I suspect you would have seen something before then. According to http://pets.webmd.com/dogs/dog-pancreatitis-symptoms-and-treatment: "Mild pancreatitis produces loss of appetite, depression, intermittent vomiting, and diarrhea and weight loss."
The cases of pancreatitis I've seen in my ICU tend to progress very quickly. I've seen patients go from a little vomiting/abdominal pain to needing a breathing tube and blood pressure support (because they go into shock and their blood pressures plummet) in as little as 8 hours. And frankly, when someone has pancreatitis that is that bad, even all the supportive care in the world isn't always enough. It's bad, bad news.

My husband woke up angry again yesterday, and decided to visit out regular vet to ask their opinion about what happened. He said the vet seemed a bit surprised about the circumstances leading up to Wolfie's passing, and said that the situation sounded rare, but that of course he would need to get the records before he could know more. We just want to try to get some answers. Even if we never know for sure what happened, we'll at least know we tried. We need to do it for us, and we need to do this for Wolfie.

Anger's a very common part of the grieving process. I think talking to your regular vet is a good idea. Perhaps a review of the records will help bring some closure. Did you ask to have a necropsy done? That helped us get some very important answers about Pippin. I also will say that I've seen repeatedly, in people, that pancreatitis is one of the hardest things for family members to get a handle on - how can something that seems so minor be so deadly? How can one little organ that we hardly ever think of cause so much trouble? And how can it happen so quickly?


ow it's futile to think about it, but I can't help wishing that if I can't have him back, that I could at least redo last Saturday. I would have spent every second with him, playing with him, petting and holding him, loving on him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I have to let these feelings out, then I know I also have to let them go. I hope that I can.

Of course you want him back, and of course you'd spend every last moment with him that you could. Get those feelings out; I know I've been there, and I've felt very similarly. There's just never enough time.

Sweet angel Wolfie, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to get help and get better, and I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me. You are the sweetest, most innocent of creatures, and from the depths of my heart and soul, I am so so sorry for the suffering that you endured. I don't know how long you were in pain. My only wish is that I could go back and take it all away.

Actually, I know Wolfie forgives me. I don't think I can forgive myself.


This is where I'm going to ask you to listen to me, Kelly: if Wolfie had acute pancreatitis, and given how sudden the onset you describe was, I think that's a good guess, I would think he was not suffering prior to the incident. Again: was he eating and acting normally up until that night, as best you can recall? I get the impression he was.

It's so hard to cut ourselves slack when we lose our companions suddenly. I've found it was almost easier to blame myself for my pets' conditions than to accept that sometimes, awful things just happen and I have no control over it. I really, really hate admitting that! Much easier to think I did something wrong.

Have you been able to get some rest and good nutrition into yourself? Be gentle with yourself right now. You deserve it.

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 3 2012, 12:44 PM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. As Kel has so comfortingly shared with you, anger is one of the many emotions we can experience in this very painful grief adjustment journey. It is healthy to try to turn this anger into something positive - - such as seeking information from your regular veterinary care professional. I hope he will be able to offer you some insights that will be of comfort to you both.

Guilt / remorse are two other emotions that are so normal to experience during this grief adjustment journey, and they can be two of the hardest to reconcile. When we are in deep grief our hearts are filled with all the "what ifs" and "why didn't / did I's". These two emotions are a result of looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time the events were happening. I, too, hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find peace in your heart that you and your husband truly did everything that is in your power to give your beloved Wolfie a happy and healthy earthly journey. There is no doubt that you would have walked through hot roiling lava if it meant you could protect your beloved Wolfie from danger and harm and sickness. Your beloved Wolfie knows this, - - and hopefully in time your heart will be able to find peace, too.

There is noting "futile" in our grief adjustment journey, Kelly. Of course you want your beloved Wolfie back - - this is very, very normal, and my heart breaks for you as you endure through your very deep sorrow. Hopefully in time you will come to know that your beloved Wolfie continues to be with you - - just differently. His sweet Living Spirit IS forever with you - - he will never leave you.

But until you reach this time in your grief journey, please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey. We are here to share with you whatever is in your heart and on your mind - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to sharing with you how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 3 2012, 09:13 PM

Dear Laura,
Please forgive me for confusing your dogs' names. I'm normally a detail-oriented person; my brain isn't clear right now. I'm so sorry. Zena and Zeus are both so beautiful; I'd love to see more pictures if that's ok (or I can check your profile??). It's clear from your words that you were (and are) so devoted to both of them, and it's also clear that they felt and cherished every ounce of that unending love. Thank you so much for sharing your stories to help me. It is so beautiful and such a blessing that you've been able to touch both Zeus's and Zena's fur in your dreams; no doubt you will cherish those visits forever. It definitely sounds like Zena was trying to tell you that you made the right decision, a very difficult one but one that reflects all the love in your heart for her.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts regarding Wolfie's visit to my parents. I too hope for more. I did actually have something happen the other day that I've been thinking about. It's been intermittently cloudy and sunny these past few days, mostly cloudy. When I walked into the kitchen, I noticed the sun shining on the floor, right near Wolfie's food bowls. ( We haven't put them away yet.) As I walked to the window, I noticed bright rays of sun shining through all the clouds in the sky, heading right toward me. Wow. I'm realizing now that was probably him. Another interesting thing happened on the same day. I had some very sad songs playing over and over in my mind, and I wanted to distract myself a bit, so I kept humming the theme song from The Golden Girls-for some reason, I've always found that show to be funny yet comforting. So, coincidence or not, twice that day, when I turned on the tv (without paying attention to what time it was), The Golden Girls was on, right at the beginning theme song. Wow again. It took writing this to fully realize what happened.

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 3 2012, 10:07 PM

Hi again Laura,
Just thought I'd separate my replies to give you a break from reading As you wrote to me, please know that I want to read your stories. I'm sorry for your regret, and as you know I'm all too familiar with that. (Well I guess most or all of us are.) Your visit from Zeus brought tears to my eyes, as you had the opportunity to ask for his forgiveness, which I'm sure you would have regardless. (Not that I think you did anything wrong, but I can understand the feeling of guilt.) Zeus knows you love him more than words can describe, and that you saying goodbye at the house does not change that at all. I hope you don't mind me giving my opinion, but you showed Zeus nothing but love in his final hours, taking pictures and video, helping him into the car. You were also probably in shock, which perhaps made the whole experience surreal.
Ensuring that Zena was able to pass on in the comfort of her own home was the selfless act of a loving parent. The relief that showed in her eyes is evidence that she passed on free of pain, feeling the love of her family. What you wrote about guilt being something we impose upon ourselves really struck me; I never looked at it quite that way. It does make total sense. Thank you for sharing those thoughts.
My hope is that over time, we can learn to forgive ourselves and fully realize that above all, we love our babies and made the best decisions we could, with nothing but love in our hearts.
Hugs,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 4 2012, 08:38 AM

Pippin's Mom Kel,
I truly cannot thank you enough for your reply. Thank you for taking the time you did to address each concern and feeling of regret or guilt. As you know, this experience is traumatic and can be very, very lonely, even if others in your life are grieving the loss too. Your replies help me feel a measure of validation and peace and help ease the loneliness (as all the replies do), and while I am overwhelmed by grief and pain, I am also overwhelmed by gratitude.
I hope to get to a point where I can begin to let go of the guilt. As you so wisely wrote, I did the best I could with what I knew. He wasn't showing any signs of illness before other than the very occasional bout of diarrhea, and we always thought it was just a blip, that he had sensitive stomach, as it would typically happen once and then get better. I think what helps the most is if we had a clue that something may have been brewing (but I do believe that this was more a case of acute pancreatitis) of course we would have done anything and everything to help him. If we thought in any way that this could be fatal, I would have done ANYTHING to help him. Anything. I have to believe he knows that. Thank you for sharing your extensive medical knowledge too. I shared your thoughts with my husband and they brought him some relief as well.
Your thoughts about it being somehow easier to blame ourselves for the sudden loss rather than come to terms with the fact that sometimes tragic and awful things happen that are out of our control are very thought provoking. I never viewed things that way, but it makes sense. Total sense. I so appreciate your viewpoint.
Please send good thoughts my way as I venture out to work tomorrow. I love teaching fifth grade, but it is draining on the very best of days. I'm scared, but will try to take baby steps for now.
In deepest gratitude,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 4 2012, 10:23 AM

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you so very much for your continued support; I so appreciate everything you've written. Our journeys are filled with grief, overwhelming pain, and at times the worst sorrow, but to have the support of people who unfortunately understand all too well how it feels helps ease the pain in my heart and soul. Thank you for validating everything that I'm feeling, and for continually reassuring me that this is part of the process, one of adjusting to a new reality. One we have not chosen, but one in which we still have the love of our precious companions.
Having found this forum and all of you is a real blessing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Gratefully,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 4 2012, 11:01 AM

So yesterday was brutal. It marked one week since Wolfie first became sick, so I found myself continually saying things like "a week ago at this time he ate his last meal" and on and on all day. We took a little drive to get out, but all that did was make me sadder, as it reminded me of the last drive like that we took with Wolfie, just hopped in the car together and drove. So many firsts still.
This morning is a little better so far, but I know by now to TRY to take each moment as it comes. To try not to be terrified when the lowest of lows hit. I've been noticing that, in the tiniest of increments, I am starting to adjust to the absence of Wolfie's physical presence here and there. Walking by his food bowl doesn't always make me want to scream out. His bed being turned on its side toward the wall (so the cats don't lie on it) isn't quite as shocking. I occasionally sit still when the mailman comes without thinking Wolfie's going to run to the door to say "hello". Those moments hurt too though. Like we really are losing him all over again when we adjust to his physical absence. It's like part of me desperately wants to adjust to his absence, and part of me desperately wants to hold on to his physical presence, the most vivid and everyday memories of him. I don't want to lose those precious memories, those precious feelings. It's like my head and my heart are on two different pages sometimes.
There are so many moments where it is still so raw. Like yesterday when the appliance repairman asked if we have any dogs because he's afraid of them. Answering with a no wasn't enough. I had to say, no he just died. Total kick to the gut, and left me bawling. Then when he showed up at the house, I almost stood up to get Wolfie to bring him into the yard. Surreal and oh so heartbreaking.
Tomorrow I enter the "real world" again. Tomorrow also marks a week since Wolfie passed on. I've already asked my husband to wave me off at the door in the morning. Think it might help ease the pain of not seeing Wolfie's face in the window. I don't know. I've also told a couple of colleagues, and even if they don't really get it, if I have a moment where I need a minute to myself, they can try to help out. Baby steps. That's all I can do. That and pray Wolfie helps give me the strength to get through, like he always did.

A huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts and my pain, and I wish everyone some measure of peace and comfort, knowing that our precious babies/companions are with us.

-Kelly

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 4 2012, 11:43 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Baby steps - - indeed - - one small step at a time. There will be times even further down the road in your grief adjustment journey when you may be hit "out of the blue" with overwhelming grief. One of our forum correspondents described it so well in one of her topics, "just when I think things are getting better . . " Now as a senior citizen I sometimes think of all my precious little companions I have enjoyed throughout my life who have been with the angels for many decades, and I can still become very misty sometimes when I think of them. The good news is that the further you progress in your grief journey, the less paralyzing the moments of deep sorrow become.

I assure you, Kelly, that as your deep grief eases you will NEVER forget your beloved Wolfie. As your grief eases you will have more room in your heart to embrace the living eternal love you and your beloved Wolfie share. And even though years down the road you may be thinking of your beloved Wolfie and a mist comes to your eyes because you still miss his precious physical presence, your heart will be comforted with your enduring eternal love.

One of the hardest things we are faced with during our grief adjustment journey, and particularly during the deep grief, is having to put on what I call the "public face" to try to disguise the seering pain of sorrow that feels like it has a stranglehold on our hearts and daily life. I remember all too well being thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could make a retreat to try to regain some composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue my work. And the drives to and from work accompanied with gut-wrenching sobbing - - flooding tears that poured out the deepest sorrow and pain of grieving. Just remember that anyone who cannot extend compassion to someone who is grieving a loss - - for whatever reason - - is the one who needs the pity.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 5 2012, 07:37 AM

One week ago today, sweetest angel. The day my life was changed forever. The day the sun stopped shining. The day my world seemed to crumble. All my old worries and fears are back with a vengeance. Just when I thought I was going to be ok...the universe decides it's time for you to go. The guilt is still crushing me, sweetheart. I know it will take time. I need to read this thread over and over to help me.
I miss you so much it hurts, I love you so much, and I pray that you know how much I treasured you, and how I took the responsibility of having your life in my hands very seriously.
Loving you always and forever, sweetest, most beautiful boy. XOXOXO

Posted by: Chandanimane Nov 5 2012, 11:31 AM

Hi Kelly,

It's perfectly fine, please don't worry about it. There is no way anyone can tell a dog's gender from pictures. It's understandable. I took your suggestion and started another thread under Pet Memorials, Tributes and Eulogies in which I posted more pictures of Zeus and Zena. I imagine I posted so many of them that I might get a notice of warning of taking up too much bandwidth or something. How amazing about the sunlight shining through your window and the Golden Girls coming on TV twice by coincidence Those are the kinds of signs I'm talking about. Maybe that's Wolfie's way of trying to get you to cheer you up and letting you know that he's doing alright. I hope you found some solace in that.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words regarding Zeus and Zena. We both know all about the feeling of knowing you did everything you could, but still feeling like you didn't do enough. It helps to be reminded of all that we did for them and what it meant to both us and to them.

I hope your reentrance into the working world is going well and that it hasn't been as painful you've been anticipating. Except for one day when I had almost lost control, work has actually served as a distraction from the grief. The day I almost broke down at work, I had Zena's picture up on Facebook. I decided not to do that again. I won't intentionally do anything that might weaken my resolve to keep functioning at a normal level. It will get easier. Like you said, baby steps, one day at a time.

Wishing you the best,

Laura

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 3 2012, 09:13 PM)

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 5 2012, 11:57 PM

Hi Laura,
How are you? Thank you for your reply. I'm happy that you posted more pics of Zeus and Zena; will definitely have to go look.

Thanks for your thoughts about what I think were Wolfie's visits. I agree; think he was trying to comfort me. I also agree that it does help to try to think about all that we did for our babies, and all that it meant to us, and to them.

Thank you for your kind words regarding going back to work. People were so supportive and loving, especially my fellow animal lovers. It actually felt good to share what happened and get it out some more. It's funny; normally I'm fairly quiet, but there are times when I feel the need to talk and talk about Wolfie's passing. I guess it's me trying to process it all.

All in all, an ok day, considering it's been one week today. Being busier helped, as does having a good cry, talking to Wolfie, and so importantly, writing it all down here. I need to try to remember these small breaks from paralyzing grief, these times where I can catch my breath. Thank you again for all your support. I so appreciate everything.

Hugs,
Kelly

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 8 2012, 04:37 PM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm glad that going back to work was not a traumatic transition for you. Having a job during a time of crisis or grief can be a "positive".

In response to your topic about enduring all the "firsts" - - this is very painful both emotionally and physically. Even though it seems like you are "adjusting" to his physical absence there will be times when you will reach out to touch your beloved Wolfie - - or you may go to the back door only to remember that he no longer needs you to open the door for him - - or you'll think you will need to renew his county license tag - - and you will feel like there is no end to this painful grief. But I promise you, Kelly, that eventually your deep grief will ease - - BUT you will NEVER forget your beloved Wolfie. He will NEVER be "erased" from your heart or your memories. I promise you that your beloved Wolfie IS forever a part of you no matter how much time continues with your earthly journey.

Kelly, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 10 2012, 03:02 PM

Dear moon_beam,
Thank you for your very comforting words. The thought of Wolfie as a Living Spirit is especially comforting, and yet somewhat bittersweet, as I of course want his physical presence here. I do have faith that eventually, the part that is "sweet" will be more of what I think about, and knowing that Wolfie is forever a part of me does help. I feel him here. I do.
Our precious babies came into all of our lives for very special reasons. Wolfie found his way to us and changed our lives forever. We are beyond blessed that he chose us.

Wishing you and Noah a wonderful weekend.

-Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 12 2012, 11:45 AM

Two weeks ago today my world was changed forever. It seems as though the pain will never ease. I'm desperate for some relief, but also want to hold on to the vivid memories. Is it possible to have both? The memories without the awful pain and loneliness? At this point, no. I pray it will get easier. Right now it feels like it's getting harder.

Yesterday I had some repair work done on my car and needed a ride from my husband. As I waited in front of the dealership, it occurred to me that he will never come to pick me up with Wolfie in the car again, that I'll never see his smiling face in the back of the car. I began sobbing, standing there on the side of the road, raw with grief. The hits just keep coming; weekends are especially hard. Being at home is both comforting and so very painful. Memories everywhere, reminders that he is gone (at least physically). I do think Wolfie has visited, like when I could swear I felt him come through the door when my husband opened it, or when I was planting flowers for Wolfie yesterday, and it seemed as though the sun was a spotlight, shining right on me.

I try to do things that will help. Planted daffodils in his memory. Ordered a journal to record anything and everything. Posting here and reading the supportive replies. Knowing that people here understand all too well makes me feel less alone. I try to remember that this is a roller coaster, and that it will take time, but I get scared when a new day brings new lows.



Missing you every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, and every hour of every day, my sweet Wolfie.

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 12 2012, 01:10 PM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. My heart aches with yours as you travel your grief adjustment journey. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "Being at home is both comforting and so very painful. Memories everywhere, reminders that he is gone (at least physically). I get scared when a new day brings new lows."

Right now, Kelly, this deep grief sorrow does seem like it will never end - - like the minutes, hours, days will not get better. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that one day when you least expect it you WILL find that the deep sorrow in your heart is not quite so painful - - not quite so unbearable. One day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Wolfie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - even though there may still be a mist come to your eyes.

Things that used to bring enjoyment to our lives now seem empty - - meaningless - - without purpose during the very deep grief. Life continues - - bills get paid, groceries are purchased (which is also a painful reminder when you no longer need to get that special treat or food or toy), laundry gets done, jobs get done - - but it feels like life is on what I call "automatic pilot." This is our mind's and body's natural "survival mechanism" to help us endure through the very deep grief for however long we need this protection.

It is also very natural that as the holidays approach you may find your deep sorrow intensify. Please let me try to offer you reassurance that this, too, is very normal. What is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be the "most horrible time of the year" when your heart is breaking with sorrow. With all the flurry of activity and social gatherings it is important that you give yourself the private time you need to still grieve for your beloved Wolfie.

And once again I promise you, Kelly, that one day you WILL find that the deep pain in your heart is not so overwhelming. And you WILL be able to once again greet the day with a happy heart.

But until this time comes for you, Kelly, please know each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey. We are here to share the difficult days, the not so bad days, and the days when you feel like your heart can no longer bear the deep seering pain of sorrow and loss. By our individual selves this grief journey would be more than any of us could handle. Together we can find the strength and encouragement to endure one more minute, one more hour, one more day.

Kelly, I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Treebyrd Nov 13 2012, 11:28 PM

Hi Kelly! Wolfe was a beautiful boy! I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Silas unexpectantly at the age of 5. I went to a family reunion out of town. I left him in great hands but less than 18 hous after I said goodbye for what I thought was the weekend....he was gone. My husband and son laid him to rest before they told me. He passed while I was at the reunion and my guys didn't want to tell me at that time. had I known I would have requested a necropsy. I blame nobody but because of the circumstances (no one was home when Silas passed) I will never know what happened. I can only guess. I can't believe he's gone....not even 4 months later! I've wished many, many times that I would have spent more time saying goodbye. I was only going for 48 hours! I was running behind on getting on the road so my goodbye was brief. I wish I had skipped the reunion. I'm still devistated! Still cry everyday. Last week I had to let my 14+ year old basset hound go. Also devastating but he wasn't young. I knew it was coming. Still hard...but not as hard as loosing a seemingly vibrant, healthy & young puppy dog. Know that because you loved Wolfie so much....you did everything in you power for him. Wolfie knew he was loved.

Warmest regards,

Treebyrd

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 15 2012, 08:40 PM

Moon_beam,
Thank you so much once again for your extremely kind and comforting words. I am so grateful for your guidance and insight; your support has helped ease my fears and worries. Yes, automatic pilot is what's helping me put one foot in front of the other right now. I do have faith that the intense pain and shock will lessen and that love is stronger than anything else.

I hope you are well, and that you are experiencing the peace and comfort that you bring to so many others.

With gratitude,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 15 2012, 09:14 PM

Hi Treebyrd,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. Wolfie definitely did know he was loved. I'm trying to focus now on that more than anything else. It's hard sometimes, but I try.
I'm so sorry about Silas and your Bassett hound; my heart goes out to you. To lose Silas so unexpectedly is so heartbreaking and devastatingly sad. It's so hard to feel cheated out of a goodbye, out of years spent loving a cherished family member well into old age. I think focusing on the love helps, at least eventually. I'm sure Silas and your Bassett Hound know how incredibly loved they are, and they're watching over you, loving you right back. That is something that can never be taken away.

Hugs to you,
Kelly

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 16 2012, 01:00 PM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Love is a growing, thriving, living presence in our lives - - whether or not we are physically with the ones we love - - whoever the life form. Even though it may not feel like it right now, Kelly, I promise you the love bond you and your beloved Wolfie will be as strong - - if not stronger - - 50 years from now as it is at this moment in time. I promise you, Kelly, that nothing in heaven or on earth can ever diminish the eternal love you and your beloved Wolfie share.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 18 2012, 07:24 PM

Thank you so much, moon_beam. Every single word of your replies is so comforting, and I do believe in everything you write. I'm finding that I need to be patient and accept that this is a huge adjustment, and that it is going to take time. A lifetime, in fact.

I hope you and Noah had a wonderful weekend.

Best wishes always,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 18 2012, 08:08 PM

Tomorrow will be three weeks since Wolfie died. The weekends are the hardest, as I have more time on my hands, and because I relive the events of the weekend I took Wolfie to the hospital, and when life as I know it began to suddenly unravel.

I know grieving is hard work, but I'm starting to feel tired and worn down. I feel worse lately, and am trying not to panic and think that the grief will never ease. Lately, it does feel like this darkness that casts a shadow over my life will never fully lift.
I sometimes feel consumed by the pain, especially when I notice that I had a brief moment or two, when at work or when I force myself to keep plans with friends, where I can catch my breath before I go under again.

Certain emotions that I thought I had begun to resolve have popped up again. I thought I was getting over the guilt, but it's back with a vengeance. I thought I had begun to heal from the circumstances of his death, but I find that I am bitter about the fact that he died before old age. We were only able to love Wolfie for four of his approx 6 years on this earth. We weren't able to give him the gift of passing at home, with us by his side holding him and reassuring him, telling him how much we love him, and thanking him for coming into our lives and for being the sweetest, most loving dog. The last face he saw was a stranger's. He passed on a cold operating table. It's not fair. He deserved so much more.

I'm angry that just as life begins to settle down and make some sense, tragedy and trauma strike. Again and again now, it seems. I'm having great difficulty with remembering the positive, as hard as I try.

I hope my words don't offend anyone. Please know that I don't mean to say that having to decide to help ease a beloved pet's suffering is any easier; I just wish we could have been there when Wolfie passed. While I know we are so blessed to have had him in our lives for any amount of time, and that others have gone through far worse, the pain I'm feeling over the way he went is really getting to me. How do I honor that pain and then begin to put it behind me?

Keeping all of you in my thoughts tonight, and wishing all of you peace.

-Kelly

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 19 2012, 11:19 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement.

Kelly, three weeks is hardly any sufficient time for you to even begin to think that the deep sorrow of your grief journey "should be" easing. In fact it is right about now that your heart and mind begin the process of both emotionally and intellectually understanding the depth of the sorrow you are rightfully experiencing in the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie. Clinical professionals universally recognize that the first year of our grief journey is extremely difficult because our minds and bodies and hearts are undergoing a tremendous physical and emotional adjustment. One of our forum correspondents summed up the adjustment journey very well in one of her topics titled, "just when I think I'm doing okay . . . ".

Our grief adjustment journey is not a straight line by any stretch of the imagination - - it is more like a graphic chart of the stock market - - many ups and downs -- some small and some very drastic. But I promise you, Kelly, that one day when you least expect it you will begin to find yourself in a calmer, more stable place where you can think of your beloved Wolfie and will notice that the sorrow in your heart has eased. You WILL come to a time when one day is better and then the next and the next - - and you will begin to find a new stability in your life. But it is just going to take time for you to come to this place in your grief adjustment journey.

Many years ago I experienced a very life changing traumatic event. During the early adjustment journey for me in trying to put my life back together as best as I could there were people around me who were telling me "it could have been worse." This was insulting to me because they failed to acknowledge the depth of my sorrow and the permanent effects the traumatic event already had on my life. So please do NOT measure your grief by what others may be or are going through, Kelly. YOU have a right to your feelings, and you have a right to have your feelings validated and comforted. Anyone who does not understand this needs to step back from you right now so that you can be surrounded by others who DO understand and are able to offer you the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope you need as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

You ask a universal question in times of great sorrow: "How do I honor that pain and then begin to put it behind me?" First I want to tell you that you will probably never entirely put the sorrow of losing your beloved Wolfie's physical presence behind you. This "theory" of "moving on" and "closure" was developed when professional counselors in this country initially began talking and writing about the stages of grief as hospice care began to be offered. These words conjure up the fears of "forgetting" our loved ones - - whoever the life form -- and I assure you, Kelly, that you will NEVER forget your beloved Wolfie. This grief journey is one of ADJUSTMENT to the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie.

Your goal is about honoring your beloved Wolfie as you continue on with your earthly journey - - not the pain of losing his physical presence. And the reality is you are already honoring him by enduring each day to the best of your ability right now - - and will continue to honor him as the deep sorrow of not having his sweet precious physical presence begins to ease - - BECAUSE you will ALWAYS have his sweet Living Spirit with you in your heart and your memories - - your beloved Wolfie is ALWAYS and FOREVER a heartbeat close to you.

Kelly, I wish there were some miraculous words I could say to you that would make the nightmare of your grief journey disappear - - that would take the horrible pain and sorrow from your heart. But I do not have that power. I can only hope that the words I share with you offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep sorrow - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. I promise you, Kelly, that eventually the deep seering pain in your heart will ease and life will once again hold promise for you - - it is just going to take time for you to come to this place in your journey - - with the comforting knowledge that you are NOT alone - - for each of us are here with you, for you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 26 2012, 09:19 PM

Hi moon_beam,
Thank you so very much for your kind words and thoughts. You are so right-we have a right to honor our own experiences and grief without comparing to anyone else. Thank you. I feel so blessed to have found this forum and people who understand.
I hope you and Noah are doing well. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Many thanks,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 26 2012, 10:25 PM

Today is four weeks. Four weeks-I can't believe how time somehow goes by. I pray for the strength to get through each day, and then as the days turn into weeks, I become more and more sad about the passing of time and the growing distance between Wolfie's last day on earth and the present. I know our bond is everlasting, and that he is in my heart for all time, but it hurts so badly to think of how much time has gone by. I'm starting to feel the need to do more to actively honor his life and look at photos more often. As crushingly painful as it is, looking at pictures sometimes helps, makes me feel closer to him. I haven't been able to write in my pet loss journal yet, but want to start.
Thanksgiving was rough. We spent the weekend with relatives, at my aunt's family vacation home. A cherished place became a source of pain as we mourned the recent loss of my uncle as well as the loss of Wolfie, and dealing with so much loss and change was surreal. So many firsts and reminders-the first car ride without him, and driving past all our usual Wolfie pit stops, constantly looking out into the yard he played in just a few months ago, remembering all the places in the house where he loved to curl up and sleep, and seeing the confusion on my aunt's dog's face when we walked in without Wolfie. The pain weighed on me all weekend.
Had to almost literally drag myself to work today. So many work pressures and deadlines, and I honestly don't want any part of it. The weight of the grief is just about all I can handle right now.

Missing you with all my heart and soul, Wolfie, throughout every minute of every day. You are my sunshine. Thank you for everything.

Posted by: Sassy Nov 27 2012, 04:12 AM

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Nov 26 2012, 10:25 PM)

Posted by: moon_beam Nov 27 2012, 11:14 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I, too, share your heart-filled sorrow and pain as you continue your grief adjustment journey to the physical absence of your beloved Wolfie. Sassy has shared with you what is in my heart - - I cannot say it any better. So as you read her response, please know that her words of comfort are shared by me as well.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 27 2012, 10:04 PM

Dear Cryss,
Thank you so very much for your reply. I so appreciate your support and kind words. Yes, I am so sad for everyone's losses and pain, but am so glad to be able to share my feelings and sorrows with people who get it. I hope to learn more about your precious Sassy, Evie, and Jedi as I share my Wolfie stories.

While the simple words 'thank you' don't really express my gratitude fully, I don't know what else to write but that...THANK YOU.

-Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Nov 27 2012, 10:10 PM

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you so very much for your kind words. Your ongoing support has helped me so much, and has given me hope in my darkest hours. I know I need to be patient and gentle with myself, or at least I need to try to be.
You are an exceptional human being, and I am eternally grateful for you and all the kind people here.

Warmest regards,
Kelly

Posted by: Kellyt Dec 12 2012, 09:55 PM

Six weeks and two days. I can't believe how quickly time is going by. The distance between the present and when he was living with us is ever increasing. Now I do think about how I am also getting that much closer to the day when I will see him again. Don't get me wrong, I will complete my journey here and do the best I can to be a good person and live a meaningful life, but I look forward to seeing my sweet angel and other loved ones when it's my time.
It's becoming a little easier to focus on the love and not be as consumed by the pain, but there are still so many days where the grief is overwhelming and I still can't believe Wolfie's gone. It's still so surreal so much of the time. I have yet to start journaling and figuring out exactly how we're going to honor his life and amazing spirit. I'm thinking a tree and a stone marker of some sort. Daffodils. A donation to the shelter where Wolfie spent five long months before we adopted him. I think the pressures of life and possibly me needing to just be with my grief for awhile have prevented me from doing all that. I will get to it in time.
I talk to Wolfie a lot. It helps some. I feel him with me. I do. I just wish he were here. That wishing will never go away.

On Friday, I'm going to meet an 11-year-old dog who is in need of a home. Her story was posted on facebook by one of the out of state rescues I follow. She looks so much like Wolfie it took my breath away. When I found out she was only 15 min away, my husband and I decided we had to at least offer to foster her. I'm a little afraid of meeting her and it being painful, but I want to help this poor girl. Funny, her name is Biscuit, and at first I didn't think anything of it, but soon after I realized that the night before I saw her post, I was thinking about how I was craving biscuits and how I would probably make some soon. Not a typical thing for me to make. So, I decided it was a sign from Wolfie, and while I'm nervous that it may be too soon, I feel that if she's meant to be with us, it'll work out.

Wolfie, we are loving you and missing you every minute of every day, sweet boy.

Thinking of all of you and wishing you peace.

-Kelly

Posted by: moon_beam Dec 13 2012, 11:26 AM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am glad to know you are beginning to find it "a little easier to focus on the love and not be as consumed by the pain, but there are still so many days where the grief is overwhelming and I still can't believe Wolfie's gone. " Kelly, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief. This grief adjustment journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride with many ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. One of our forum correspondents has a topic titled "just when I think I'm beginning to feel okay . . . " She talks about how the grief even months down the road can be overwhelming - - particularly when she is now least expecting it after several months into her grief adjustment journey. There is a part of you that will always miss your beloved Wolfie's sweet precious physical presence with you - - even years down the road. The good news is that as time progresses you will find yourself more and more able to "focus on the love" you and your beloved Wolfie share - - which is eternal.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you and your husband go to visit with Biscuit. You can always begin with fostering her - - if you feel comfortable doing that at this point in time. The decision to adopt will come in time - - at the right time - - be it with Biscuit or with another waif later on. The same is true about beginning your journaling and honoring your beloved Wolfie. All of your suggestions sound wonderful: "a tree and a stone marker of some sort. Daffodils. A donation to the shelter where Wolfie spent five long months before we adopted him." Perhaps you can find a combination of ways that you can honor your beloved Wolfie - - in time you will know what and how you want to do.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that you and your husband will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing and to sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Wolfie. And please let us know how things go with Biscuit.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Posted by: Kellyt Apr 29 2013, 08:22 PM

Six months today. I cannot believe it's been six months. Time somehow goes by, and life somehow continues. I miss Wolfie so much, and think of him every day. The pain is still overwhelming at times. I'm trying to figure out answers to questions like Where is Wolfie now? Can he somehow still feel my love? Is his spirit still here, or has that passed on as well? I struggle with his physical absence and the unknowns/questions. Questions whose answers I guess everyone has to decide for themselves. I guess you could say I'm fortunate to have not experienced any significant losses up to this point in my life. Losing Wolfie has been by far the most traumatic and painful. I read a quote recently: "Dogs come into our lives to teach us about love, and they leave us to teach about loss." When I'm feeling particularly in need of making some sense out of this, one thought I have is that Wolfie is my ultimate teacher. Who better than the most precious of beings to teach me such an important lesson?

I also read that at some point it's important to let go, and it brought me immense pain. I take great comfort in picturing Wolfie being connected to me still, and in "talking" to him. To imagine giving that up is something I can't do. Maybe that's not even what the sentence means, but that's how I interpreted it.

Reading through all the posts from the fall brought back all the unimaginable grief and pain, but it also reminded me that the support on this site is truly incredible. I hope everyone here ultimately finds peace and some measure of comfort.

-Kelly

Posted by: Scarlett's Mom and Dad Jul 15 2013, 11:53 AM

QUOTE (Kellyt @ Oct 29 2012, 04:17 PM)

Posted by: moon_beam Jul 15 2013, 02:37 PM

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you were doing on your and your beloved Wolfie's 6 month angel-versary.

Please let me try to reassure you that you NEVER need to "let go" of your and your beloved Wolfie's eternal love bond. It is PERFECTLY OKAY for you to continue to talk to your beloved Wolfie for the rest of your earthly journey as you talked to him while you were sharing his earthly journey - - for the sound of your voice is forever a sweet sound to his ears as he continues to listen intently to every word you say. I promise you that your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know you and your beloved Wolfie will soon be commemorating your 9 month angel-versary. I hope life is treating you kindly, Kelly, and that your evenings are peaceful with your beloved Wolfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam