What can I say. I wrote for the past half hour going over every little detail of Winston's last few days with us, but in the end it comes down to me feeling like I quit on him. In my head I know he was a very sick boy. He was a 14 year old Tabby. A recent ultrasound showed he had heart disease and a panreatic tumor. Both conditions are very bad news, but with the help of our vet, the heart condition could be managed and as for the tumor, we would just wait and see.
We had one wonderful week with Winston after the tests. He was on meds, was eating and drinking well and was even playing with his toys. Then on Monday morning (3am) I found him unable to walk normally. For the rest of Monday, he wasn't interested in food or water and just laid on the couch with my husband and me taking turns sitting with him and stroking him. I tried to comfort him, and all the time wondering if this would be when I had to decide to have him put down. I didn't think about making him well, I only thought about ending his life. Yesterday morning we took him to the vets and had him put down.
I feel sick with greif and guilt. Why didn't I ask for treatment, instead I asked for ending his life. Why didn't I take him to the vet sooner, why did I only consider his death. Friends and family have told me we did the very best we could, having Winston survive with his condition through a few very bad episodes proved that we did our best. But that's my concern, he pulled through some very bad episodes before, why not this time. Why didn't I try harder, do more.
I feel like I gave up on him. All I can see is his little face and I miss him so much.

Winston's mom

I'm so sorry about the loss of your loved one.

I've had to make that terrible decision myself enough times to know that the " what ifs " are inescapable. But, I also know that pancreatic cancer is very painful, and makes the patient very sick. I believe you saved Winston a good deal of suffering; just forestalling the inevitable. And I know too, that that is cold comfort.


My sincerest condolences,
Dayna

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about Winston. I know its one of the hardest things to do when we decide to let a furkid go. I have a had a cat go very quickly from cancer, once they got sick a matter of days and some cats lasted quite a while and still enjoyed a quality life. Don't discount your feelings at the time it happened. I think sometimes we have an inner feeling that we may not even really be aware of that lets us know the time is here and that things are going to go from bad to worse. Sometimes we have a feeling that they are just going through a bad time and they have a little more time. It seems to me that something inside said the time was right even though you are second guessing yourself now. We know our babies better than anyone and that helps to let us know what to do. And after losing 6 old cats in 18 months I know that it is better to do it a little earlier than a day too late. I know this may not help you now but with time it will be easier. You and Winston are in my thoughts...Barbara

Everybody,I think, has the same thoughts after we have to put down one of our babies.I have done this 3 times and each time,while it was obvious it was time to go(that is when human denial kicks in ) I ALWAYS felt like I made the wrong descision and could have saved them.Fact is, you did EXACTLY what you had to do as a responsible parent.And yes it SUCKS!!!!!!!!! While you are in this numb,grieving,trance-like state,be very open to communication with Winston.There are a number of ways he will be in touch during these first days of his transition.Be very open.One thing that has become a new self-talk sentence for me is(when I wake in the mornings after the first cry of the day)--"This morning I am one day closer to being with my child forever"-----------Be deliberate,VERY deliberate,hold your ground(faith),Be aware constantly of the impermanent nature of our existence here on earth and become comfortable with your own death as this is the only way, obviously, for a reunion that will never end.I don't mean to be morbid,but, when you get to this space(acceptance) you will feel much more in control as you have confronted the truth,conquered your fears and will be assured of an eternity with your loved ones,both human and animal.The pain and crying will probably stay with you a long time but compared to forever it is relatively short.BE DELIBERATE AND NEVER NEVER GIVE UP...............

God bless baby Winston..........................(He's probably in God's lap right now) ..........Bubba..................

Quit on him? Do not say that about yourself.

My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She quit on herself and opted out of Chemo and the horrendous operation, because she made a decision of life quality/risk/benefit. My classmate got a similar diagnosis, had the operation, and as usual, died afterward.

Some diagnoses are such that reasonable and intelligent people such as the above simply recognize that while Hope is a virtue, there are instances where nothing anyone can do will change anything. They simply faced and accepted what is nearly always an unfavorable diagnosis.

This completely leaves out all the emotional parts, of course, and that is a different matter. But Winston did get care as good as you or any human could have gotten for that, and it would not matter if you were Bill Gates and had an extra billion to thow at the vet, and bought Angell Memorial.

I suppose one could say I gave up on Miles. She could barely breath and was struggling for every breath, but she could have lived another week, maybe-But why? For what purpose?. But this was my best friend and catwife.
Would she have given me that extra week, if she were in charge, given how much she loved me? I sincerely hope not.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling. I too had to make that dreadful decision on November 13th (it still hurts today). My cat had Lung Cancer, he was fine one day and the next his breathing was labored. We watched him gasp for air the morning we made the decision to let him go. I have also gone through the "what if's" . What if we took him sooner to the vet and they caught the cancer sooner etc... The decision you made was from pure love, we cannot let them suffer. Remember the good times you shared - I believe things will get better for us, we just need time to heal.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am so sorry for your loss. The "what ifs" are awful. The guilt is awful. There is an article about euthenization on pet loss resource page. The part that stuck with me was when they mentioned about going back to that last day and remember how we felt and why we did it. I kept doing that and didn't know why. It was to get over my guilt. Did I do the right thing. My head knows I did, but my heart saids differently.. That's what you have, the head and heart battle. You did it out of love. You did it to end the suffering. You did it for all the RIGHT reasons.. My guilt has subsided, however, it still lingers for me..You may not think so now, but at the time you thought about the quality of life and saw much pain and suffering ahead. You saw many more bad days ahead. Winston had a very long and happy life with you, and you gave him the best gift of all, peace.. I totally understand your pain and heartache..Many hugs..Ann

Thank you. Each of you has given me comfort and each of you has given me hope.

Comfort for the guilt I am feeling, that it is a natural part of the process. As much as I want to believe that I had the power to heal Winston, the truth is I didn't. To believe I could have, is to deny the reality of his heart condition. Although I along with a dedicated vet did manage to make him comfortable during a very bad breathing episode, I did not cure him. The underlying medical conditions were still there. It was after the first episode when I realized that Winston was not going to live forever and that someday I might have to make the decision. When I asked a friend, how will I know when it is time, her answer was that I didn't need to worry, Winston would let me know. Looking back over the last two weeks I see that she was right. Up to the last day, there was a spark in him and I knew that he wanted to try. But the last day, that spark was gone. Today I believe that he knew what was best and even though I did not want to believe it, I did respond in the right way. It was while reading your words of encouragement that I remembered.

You have given me the reassurance that the pain will ease in time, even if it doesn't feel that way today. You have given me hope that my heart will heal and that there will be room to love another.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Very cute photo. I'm glad everyone was able to help a little. I must add, that, I think the guilt comes from us feeling that we failed them somehow. We promise them nothing will ever happen to them. They trust us. I was thinking of your post today and I thought, if we all feel the guilt b4 we have to make the decision, no one would, and there could very well be a lot of sick and unhappy pets in this world because of the people who care and love them. Sounds strange, but when you really stop and think about it, it's kind of true. At that very moment we think ok stop the pain stop the suffering, they can't bear it anymore, we can't either and then AFTER it's why, what if, how could I, I shouldn't have. It makes a total mess of our heads. But, like you have acknowledge, in time, the wound does heal(never completely though)Take care..Ann

dear Winston`s mom
i am feeling with you
( how much i would do to make this promise come true...)

a few days ago i read a post in a condolence-book of someone i think has been a good person :
( i try to remember and translate in English )
an intelligent, compassionate, bright person, good to himself and good to other humans (animals)
at the end, nature has just one answer..........death

i know, a lot of the very kind people who are posting in LS would not agree
i am just very insecure, and i am so terrible sorry

thank you for sharing the photo of Winston, what a precious beautiful cat-boy
i am glad you wrote "that there will be room to love another"
love, sincerely
Eva

you said:

When I asked a friend, how will I know when it is time, her answer was that I didn't need to worry, Winston would let me know. Looking back over the last two weeks I see that she was right. Up to the last day, there was a spark in him and I knew that he wanted to try. But the last day, that spark was gone. Today I believe that he knew what was best and even though I did not want to believe it, I did respond in the right way. It was while reading your words of encouragement that I remembered.

I believe the above, taken from your last post, answered the questions you asked in your first post here. Especially your noting "that spark was gone". It is always best to remember WHY the decision was made. We know we never make it lightly but sometimes we miss them so bad, that we forget that "WHY". They look to us to make decisions they cannot make themselves. They give us that beautiful unconditional love and giving them peace when it is time..is the best way we can repay that love. That is what you did for Winston.

Also remember the wonderful 14 years he was a part of your life. We are so blessed for each day they are with us, happy and healthy. You posted a beautiful picture of him. The pictures help bring back the good memories that sustain us and ease the pain.

I believe you do have it in your heart to love another when you feel the time is right to seek one out. Just remember...another never replaces Winston because we truly can never replace our special friends. But a new one forms their own memories and distractions for us that can help ease the pain. And as an Angel, I am sure with that unconditional love he has..Winston can look down on you and anyone you choose...and know he just has a new addition, a "brother" or "sister" that can make you smile again...and that would make him feel good as well.

So if you want to post more pictures, do so. Write about your thoughts and feelings anytime.
And sometimes, some of us write a letter in our topic...to our special one...just cause sometimes we just feel like talking to them in writing.

Anything that makes you feel better to do is the right thing to do.

It helps me to think about one Mom's saying here: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him. That gives me a lot of comfort everytime I think of it.

Try and replace any sad thought with the memory of a happy one. That can help too.

I guess something that also helps me the best is after thinking about the ones who have gone and what happened...I can only accept the idea that there is a time they will be taken away from us and when that time comes....we will not be able to cure them or help them stay longer.
Sometimes I think that happens to open the door to another who has no home, no love. For if I never lost the first one, I would not have known the second...and so on. I am thankful for all I have known, whether the time was short or longer. Whoever I give a home to, I know will not be abused or starved or neglected in any way.....there are so many who have love to give..I wish I could do more..but each one I can help....helps me too.

I wish you peace and healing. It takes time and many times, also takes baby steps. And if some day you feel again overwhelmed by it all, it is okay to cry or do what helps you. There is no time limit on grief. The pain of missing them can never go away completely but we learn to deal with it as best we can.

I'm sorry about Winston..but remember as part of your heart....he can never truly leave you.

Judy

Winston's Mom,

I waited too long with one of my kitties when she had cancer............. I had a very hard time with that because she died in my arms one block from the vets office. It was not a peaceful death like when they are quietly & calmly put to sleep. I promised her I would not let her suffer. But in the end she did & I felt very, very guilty about it for a long time.

Three weeks ago I put my best friend to sleep and sometimes still wonder if it was too soon. She was eating and drinking good. However, her hind legs gave her a great deal of trouble almost all day, every day for the last month. She struggled like a bucking bronco most days but would not give up. Then she'd have a day that she could walk ok with very few episodes. I feel like one full month at her age of mostly difficult days was enough time to realize things would not improve. She couldn't have undergone any further surgeries or treatments. She had started having seizures about once a month and those tore me apart.

She had been paralized 14 years earlier but regained the ability to walk after surgery at the Vet School. We had a miracle at least 3 other times in her lifetime and somehow at 17-1/2 I just felt her struggle to be with me needed to be over. Her quality of life was not what I wanted for her, and I'm sure not what she would have preferred for herself.

As I write this I am beginning to think..... what if it was me in their position? (the pet I mean) Would I want to be kept alive with injections, pills, forcing food and water down me? Lay around most of the day not able to be free of pain or even TELL someone I was in pain so needed something to ease that pain? Not enjoy life as I had once known it? No I would not. But we can write a living will........... our pets cannot. So we do the best we can for them. Right or wrong it is a decision we made based on the information available to us at the time. I don't think it is the WRONG decision... just the difficult one.

Has my kitty forgiven me for breaking the promise to not let her suffer? I'm sure she has. Does Flossie know I did what I thought was best for her? I do hope so.

Your Winston has many, many memories of what you two had together. Do not beat yourself up as I just bet he knows you made your decision out of love. 2 weeks or 20 years is never enough for us with our fur babies but at least we had that time and lots of wonderful memories.

Winston's Mom,

My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you. I'm still coming to grips with my Penny's passing (it was unexpected, and I suppose in ways I can be fortunate that I didn't have to make the ultimate decision), and she was still quite young, but in respect to your Kitty, it's clear you loved him with all you have in you. Of course guilt is part of the grief process....I've found that on my part it comes and goes, but that's what a process/cycle is.

One of the things that people have posted to me that has been a tremendous comfort is that the cycle of life will continue to turn no matter what us humans try to do -- sometimes we are used to having some semblance of control...but sometimes we just have to surrender it. Your beautiful cat no doubt lived a long life full of love and comfort that you gave him, and if you spent 14 years providing that...then perhaps trust in your heart that the decision to let him move on was yet another choice to continue giving him that love and comfort. I know this is a strange comparison, but I think of families who leave a loved one on life support, even though the doctor says there is no hope -- sometimes we have to make tough decisions out of love. Medication and treatment for such an illness is like putting a band-aide on a gaping wound. It still hurts like crazy -- but Winston remains with you now and forever and knows you gave him all you had. You can't tear yourself up for that.
Minute-by-minute for now -- then hour-by-hour -- eventually day-by-day. Time will not help you heal...only healing will help you heal -- all in your own way. Winston is beautiful, and he lies beside you even now.

~Shannon