1st Anniversary Soon

January 20th will be the 1-year anniv of that terrible, sad day. I wish I could say that I'm doing well, but I am so-o not. I've spent this year just going through the motions of existence, while missing my beautiful golden girl so intensely, wishing to have her back again, trying to push down this thick lump in my throat as the tears form, and zoning out on memories of happy days with her. Some days I feel stronger than others, and those are the days I force myself to be preoccupied so I can ignore this huge void that's ever present like a dull pain. The trauma and finality of it all is hitting me hard starting this new year without her. I feel like I'm leaving her in the past now, and know that I must continue to do so, even though I feel her presence so strongly right here in my heart.

I just needed someplace to shout out to the universe that I miss you, dear Abigail Mae. And I miss the sweet girl who came before you, Roxanne Autumn. Two awesome golden retrievers who I was so lucky to know and to love.

Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to all of you who know this pain, too.

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

On January 20, the vet came to my home to euthanize my beloved golden retriever of almost 10 years, AbbeyMae. The very next day, I was layed-off from my job. I am still in a state of complete shock an feel incredible depression. As only pet lovers can understand, AbbeyMae was my little daughter, my very best friend, and my soul mate - all in one. We had gone down the cancer treatment path (rollercoaster ride) for only four short months before it came to this. Before the cancer diagnosis, Abbey was absolutely radiant and energetic. People would even ask me if she was a puppy - she ran like the wind and always smiled - her tail forever wagging at everyone she met. Needless to say, I am still devastated and shocked by the loss. I cry so easily everyday thinking of all our great times together and the closeness we shared. She was an amazingly intelligent and funny girl. I swear, she could read my mind and she would come over randomly to give me hugs and kisses to cheer me up at just the right times. She was/is truly my angelbear (one of her many nicknames). She left us just when we needed her most.

Abbey and I used to take drives in the car - her favorite thing - and long walks through the woods everyday. Now I go for those drives and walks alone. She is missing from every frame of every scene, and yet, she is there in every frame. My heart is so heavy. The night before she died, I brought her in the car and we just drove around for hours listening to some of our favorite music. I glanced at her lying ever so contentedly on the back seat, smiling at me with her twinkling brown eyes, tho in much pain I am certain. I tried not to cry - for her sake. I was wishing in a way that she would just pass away peacefully as we drove so I could avoid the dreaded day ahead.

So here it is April already. My husband and I can't help but look for our girl outside in the Springtime, rolling on the grass, bringing us a stick or paying us a joyful visit as we work in the garden. We talk of getting another dog soon, but putting that idea into action overwhelms me. The only times I am not sad is if I stop thinking about Abbey. But then not thinking about her makes me feel like I'm losing even more of her, and that again makes me sad. I know there are many pet owners out there going thru the same thing - we just love our babies that deeply for better or worse. I told AbbeyMae, when I brought her home as a puppy, that I was not going to love her - so she didn't have to try and be so cute and sweet with me because it wasn't going to work - I never wanted to feel this pain again. Well, she won me over and I caved and here I am steeping in this pain that I so feared. I guess that's the price one pays for true love, right? Thank you all for letting me share my story. It really helps a lot. Love and light to everyone in this long process of mending their broken hearts. It is a really rough ride.