Like many of you, I don't know where to begin.

In 1992 (yes, 16 years ago), we adopted 2 four month old puppies from the Pasadena Humance Society. I grew up having dauchunds and wanted a pair. There was 2 Dauchund/Beagle mixed sisters that were found wondering the streets together, so I adopted both of them. Candy and Pepper. We lost Pepper about 7 years ago when she escaped from our yard and was sadley struck down by a car.

April of this year, I noticed Candy had some large growths on her hind legs. Giving her age (16), I was always paranoid about every bump, just thinking it may be cancer. Sure enough, during the vet visit, the Vet suspected she had Lymphoma. After some further test by a specialist she had Stage 3 Lymphoma.

We started her right away with the Wisoncon Protocol. I was worried that the chemo would affect more so because of her age, but the vet told us that her age is not an illness, though she was 16 and had lumps, she was other wise a very health dog.

Her first week was okay but by the second week of the protocol, the Vincristine really had a bad effect on her. She vomited for two days straight that we had to take her in for dehydration. She had to stay for a few nights. It was hearth breaking to watch her. I was wondering wether I was a bad daddy to even attempt chemo on her, but I wanted to her have as long and fullfilled life as possible.

After the few days of hospitalization, they took extra precautions with her next treatments. With the help of anit-nausea medicine, she had no more episodes. She completed her initial protocal a few weeks ago, but sadly she didn't go into full remission. Yes, her nodes decreased a bit, and she was back to her old self, but then just as fast the cancer started to increase.

The Vet suggested as a rescue the use of Lomustine. I told the vet i didn't want her to suffer, but that this chemo shouldn't have too bad of a side effect and there was a 20-30% chance it may show some results.

Sadly, these past few days, she is not doing well. She started with heavy breathing, to long sighing breaths. We spoke with the vet today and they said that her breathing issues are probably due to something else and not the Lomustine.

Because I took most of this week off to be with Candy, I had to go to work today, but my partner stayed with Candy today. I just called and she is not doing well, so it looks like tonight will her last day with us. After work, we will take her to the emergency technicians ajacent to our Cancer specialist and will put her down.

I am a mess.

I cannot focus on my job, only my precious Candy.

I miss her already.


Oh . . and today's my birthday.

God help me.

Thanks for letting me vent.


Hal - Candy's Daddy

I'm trying to upload a picture of Candy, so I hope this makes it okay.

I'm reading your post and my heart goes out to you. I understand how difficult this decision is going to be for you because I have had to face this myself only a month ago, however my lovely little fur freind declined very rapidly. But this means nothing when you are faced with something like this. I think that only you and your vet can decide when the time is right for you to make this very hard choice. I'm so sorry that you are facing this and are feeling the way you are because 'it is' a very hard choice to make and it feels like a part of you has died whe you do make it. All I can say is that there are a very good group of people here who will help you get through it as they have helped me over the past four weeks. I don't think I could have done it without the ppl here on lightning strike.com. they all have been wonderful and very supportive. I hope that when it all gets too much for you to cope with this and you need ppl to talk to you will come here because we are there for the ones who are feeling this loss......... You cannot explaine it unless you go through this yourself and have lost a freind like this. It is such a heart breaking time for anyone who has a companion that they love in this way.

Please post when you have the strenght to talk...

We are here if you need that support.

Williams Mummy ***

Candy's Daddy, am so sorry you are having so much going thru with your baby Candy I wish I could say or do something for you and your patner to make her feel better. I also going thru bad and sad times in my life with my Son Buster he also has cancer inside his nose and not able to breath thru it, and belive me every time he tries to take a gasp of air it feels like I have been stabbed with a nife right in my heart. I have part of the tumor removed yesterday and he has some swalling inside and not able to breath right yet and also some bleedings, part of the tumor was removed thru his nostrils and the second step will be radiaction and hopping he will be ok soon. Is there any ways to maker her feel better? please do, try to do something before is to late, it seems to me that you love her as much as I love my Buster and she needs you, lots of love and will be praying for the three of you, Buster and Jorge , , And I know even tought it will not be a Happy birthday I still like to say Happy Birthday to you and God Bless to the three of you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. All day today I've been in some fog. I'm having co-workers left and right wishing me a happy birthday and all I can think about is loosing my little girl. She is so smart, so loving to think I will wake up tomorrow morning and not feel her weight on my legs or being cold from her stealing the blankets . . .it's almost too much to bear.

I'm sorry to hear about Buster. Candy is pretty listless at home. As soon as i leave work, myself and all her lovedones (she has a huge fanbase, believe me) will go to the emergency vet. I was planning on putting her to sleep at home, but a part of me is still wishing that there is some hope that she will "snap out of this" and give me another few weeks. But I know that's just selfish thinking on my part.

God this hurts so much.

Thanks for the prayers and the birthday wishes.

Please believe me when I say that I understand what you are saying about not being able to feel her warmth next to you at night. I have been there already and it really is the hardest part. I still miss William. I still miss him not waking me at 7.30am to be fed. He has a brother too and Harry misses him more than any of us. 16 years is a long time to have a compainion around and I think the longer you have them the harder it is when they leave. You are not there quite yet. try and take heart and see what your vet says later today as there may be some hope still. However, I also know that you are prepairing yourself if you have to make that descision and I know that this must be very hard for you. I felt like William had taken half my heart with him when he died. I had to have him put to sleep at the vets and it was heartwenching...... I still cry now even after a month.

I cannot tell you how you will feel but just remember that you have a shoulder here if you need it........

I know that you don't feel like celebrating your birthday..... If it was my birthday and I could have one wish it could be to have William sleeping on my bed again...... But I also know that I will see him again one day soon too and I take comfort in that........

Hugs to you and your partner at this time and strenght to candy

Williams Mummy ***

Dear Hal,

I am so sorry you are having to face the decision to end Candy's pain and suffering. Because you love her so very much you have made the choice of taking on her pain so she doesn't have to bear it any longer. That is the ultimate gift you can possibly give her. Putting her needs ahead of your own shows just how deeply you love her.

Your wonderful memories of Pepper and Candy is the gift these beautiful girls leave for you. The warmth of their love will live in you and their spirit all around you.

Though I know this is a very sad and difficult time for you and your partner, I hope you will find some peace in knowing Candy's pain will end forever. This kind of love lasts forever in our hearts when we have established such a bond. These babies born in furry suits bring the very best out in us and teach us life's most important lessons of how to love.

May you be blessed with comfort tonight as you say "goodbye for now," and know that one day you and your girls will say "hello" again in a place that is everlasting. Your heart and theirs became one long ago. They are a permanent part of you that touches you right down to the very deepest part of your soul. Though their bodies may perish, their love will live on in all you touch and everything you do for the rest of your life.

Hugs of comfort and love from my heart to you Hal as well as your partner,
Beth

Candy's Dad,

I lost a beloved dog to cancer two years ago. Mack was not quite 8 years old. My last prayer for him after I was told that the cancer was too widespread,
and nothing could be done, was that he would die peacefully at home. And he did, passing away in my arms, exactly one week after we had a confirmed diagnosis. I know exactly how you feel right now.

I am so sorry about your sweet little Candy, and I grieve for you having to making that most unbearable of loving decisions...and on your birthday.


I share your tears,
Dayna

UPDATE ON CANDY

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. Well last night, when I got home, Candy was lying on the floor, a little glazed but looking more alert than the last few days (she must have heard us call up crematories). After finding out that her blood work up from a few days ago came in showing no liver or kidney damage, I was at a lost wondering why Candy was looking like she was near death. I'm not the type to just sit on my laurels and do nothing, so I googled as much as I could. Then I remembered that her white blood cell count is low so she will be suseptable to disease and infection, but other than shallow breathing, she did not have a fever and she was drinking. So I figured she may be just anemic.

So here was my delimma last night. My first and foremost concern was Candy's comfort level. Though she was lethargic, I couldn't tell if she was in actual pain. Second, if I took her to the vet last night, chances are they'll do IVs and will cost hundreds of dollars we don't really have. But if I waited till the morning, the cost will be a bit nominal (so I thought).

I looked into Candy's eye's and my gut was telling me that she was not ready to go just yet. I know it's probably just me, the human thinking this, but I honestly feel as though she's just not quite there yet. So we took her to the Emergency Vet this morning and confirmed my suspiscians that she was very anemic and needed to have a blood transfusion.

I was debating if I am just prolonging her suffering if I go through with this, but her immediate need was to get some fluids and red blood cells in her, that's what was causing her to breathe shallow. If she didn't get the transfusion, she will suffer. So I agreed to the blood transfusion (at $800 min. sigh). I'm just waiting now at the office waiting to hear back from our oncologist to find out how she is doing.

Not sure if I am doing the right thing post-poning the inevitable, but maybe this will give her some comfort for a few weeks.

But I tell you all, my mind was all set to tell her good-bye and even this morning, before I took her to the vet, I took her out to the yard in her blanky to look at the flowers one last time incase she's never coming home.

God, I wish it was me going through it and not her.

Thanks again everyone for your support. I'll continue to update everyone on her.

Thanks for the update. I was thinking about Candy early this morning.
Please continue to update.

Though you were ready to say goodbye to Candy, I am glad you opted for the blood transfusion. Perhaps there is some hope for you and she yet in her treatments. I can understand why the anemia appeared as though something else was going on since you had already started the chemo and am glad no liver or kidney damage was found. Hopefully you will find a significant change in her activity level in being far more responsive with you and your partner.

Thanks for the update Hal...........I'll look for your next update.

Praying for a miracle here,
Beth

Candy's Dad, first thing I will tell you that you and Candy look so good together in that pix, i can see the love everywere. After leaving Buster this morning at home to go to work [kissed and hugged him like crazy before] got into my car and while driven the first thing that came to my mind was Candy and you, thinking how was she last night and if you took her to the Vet's office and praying to God that everything will be ok. Am so glad that all of that is turning ok for the both of you for now, please keep the your hopes hight and fight this like am planning to do soo, God Bless always, Buster and Jorge

Thanks much. I'm sitting here at my desk just waiting on pins and needles till the doctor calls. It would be great to have a mircle. We were just sure this was her last week, now it's quit possible that she will be with us for a little while longer . . . I hope.

I appreciate it. I'm hoping she may just be able to go for a walk this weekend if she reacts well to the transfusion. I'll keep you posted.

Yes, I do love her very, very, very much. Last night as she layed next to me, I kept waking up every hour or so, just to pet her and feel her heart beating. Wondering if this was the last time we'll wake up next to her. I appreciate the words of encouragement. And give Buster a big huggerz for me and Candy.

I'm so happy to hear there is some hope for your Candy You know her ... I totally trust you instincts to tell you whether or not she is ready to go. Hang in there. Give Candy a big hug from me, and please do keep us posted.

Love to your family,
Dayna

Truer words than yours "it's almost too much to bear" have never been spoken!

I only just found this board this morning after losing my "baby" yesterday, and now I can't stop thinking of how many people are dealing with a loss so deep.

Since your kind post to me this morning and then reading about your beautiful (she's precious) Candy, I've not been able to stop hoping the best for you both, and look forward to hearing how things went....

Hugs to you and Candy both-

Cottons Mom

UPDATE

Well . . . . I got the call. I was hoping it was this particular Vet because she has a tendacy to speak extremely vague and hems and haws so much you just can't figure out what she's trying to say. But oh well.

She called me this afternoon and the news is not good. Candy is stablized, took the transfusion well but she said that the lomustine is not effecting the cancer as well as she hoped. My issue is that we only gave it to her a week or so ago and the tumers have gone down a little. But she basically said that now is the time to make plans that though she is not in pain she "may" be in some discomfort.

Geez. $800 for a blood transfusion and she tells me she "may" be in discomfort?

God help me.

So now I'm back to where I was yesterday, in complete disaray with my stomach about to burst of all the anxiety. Should I take her home? Should I put her down tonight? Should I wait for the weekend? And if I do take her home tonight, I have no one to watch her tomorrow I just can't leave her alone. That ain't gonna happen.

This is terrible. I don't want to loose my little girl.

I am so very sorry to hear about Candy. You can tell from her picture she is a real sweetheart.

I am very glad you did not have to lose her on your birthday...that is not a connection you would want to be reminded of.

You are certainly doing everything possible for her and each day she is with you is a reward in itself.

As far as her being ready to go, etc., I think your vet is the best one to discuss that with....as long as she is not in pain and is eating and has a quality to her life I don't believe any vet would say it is time.

You know her better than anyone and you will notice any change in her that raises a "flag" for you to question the doctor as to what is going on.

My Little Guy was lost in Sept to what appeared to be a major problem with the probable cause of cancer. His twin brother, Keeper was lost in 2002 to lymphoma...which came out of the blue and was so fast...he had to leave us within a week.
That was absolutely heartbreaking. His appeared inside both lungs so there was no choice as to how long to keep him with us.

Everything you are doing certainly seems to be helping Candy. I'm glad you checked on that anemia.

Hugs to you and your partner and especially Candy

I just read your last post. My advice would be to go see Candy and see what feelings you get. If bringing her home would leave her alone and you can't do that...why not "buy some time" and leave her one more day at the vet, let them take care of her and pick her up when you can be with her. If you see her and you feel she may be doing alright right now...ask the vet what to look for that means something has changed...and where would you be able to take her if you needed someone on the weekend? Don't feel rushed into a decision as important as this. What does the vet mean "uncomfortable"? I would ask.
There is pain medication if she is just a little "uncomfortable".

Take Care and let us know what is happening.