Hello everyone..I stumbled upon this site whilst desperately looking for some way to deal with the immensity of the pain that I know all of you have felt, and very probably are still experiencing today. My pain is so very fresh still and having that typical mishmash of feelings of guilt, agony, immense loneliness and relentless sadness, I know I am only just beginning a long, long grieving process. Last Thursday I had to say goodbye to my most precious Alfie after 15,5 years of devoted companionship. How cruel and unreal it seems to me that I will never stroke his soft white fur again, never smell him again, never again feed him his favourite home-cooked meal, never again watch him walk and sniff around the garden and never again massage his arthritis-plagued shoulders and neck which relaxed him so..!!

My sweet precious Alfie, if only you knew the enormous void you are leaving behind, my sweet boy.. And yet it was so painfully obvious that we had to let you go, that your life, even with all the love and care we continued to give you until the very end, had become a senseless, painful struggle for you. And I knew it would be selfish to let it drag on, the thought of you suffering in any way had always been my worst fear. Sweet Alf, you were so tired..I prayed for you to pass peacefully in your sleep. With a heart condition (Alfie had been on a heart -and water pill for over a year), nearly deaf and since a month completely blind (due to old age), my sweet Alf was surely tested. His vision had been diminishing rather fast in the last months or so (sadly there was nothing we could do about it), but I will never forget the shock and unspeakable sadness on that dreadful October 16th when he lost his vision completely. How heartbreaking that was, it was then that I first felt an enormous sense of loss. No longer could Alfie come to lie at my feet spontaneously as I was working at my desk, no longer could he trot behind me as he loved to do when I walked from the one room to the next. So very understandingly he turned within himself and became frightened to move about. We had to learn to touch him, stroke him in different ways so he wouldn't startle. My husband felt for him, just lying there for most of the day, and hesitantly brought up euthanasia. But after his initial shock and with lots of loving protection on our part, Alfie (I cooked for him every day and he never lost his appetite:) began to show clear signs of coming to terms with his situation: we took him for short walks on the leash and I spent all my free time with him, basically pampering him and giving him lots of love (I also massaged him every day). I chose to have him in the house non-stop which meant quite a bit of work as he had also become largely incontinent, poor thing. But when you love - really love - there are no limits to what you can do. And God knows I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for my precious, special Alfie.

Last Monday Alfie must have suffered a stroke, as I was walking him in the garden, I noticed his head tilted to the right and he could barely stand on his legs. My heart broke, and a voice inside said 'Anne, it is time to let go. He can't anymore'.
When the doctor confirmed that there was no hope and he'd only get worse I realized that having him put to sleep would be the most humane, loving thing to do. I had the vet come to our home as I wanted Alfie to sense the least possible discomfort or stress, and both my husband and I were there stroking him during that last farewell. However, the moment of his actual passing proved too much for me to emotionally bear and I came back minutes later to stroke and touch his lifeless body. I have been torn by feelings of guilt because of that, but my husband was there holding him and I console myself with the thought that I was there stroking him just before he drifted off in that sleep.

Alfie was given to me as a present (the cutest white fluffy puppy you can imagine) by my previous boyfriend shortly before we broke up. In a desperate attempt to save our relationship he took me to this huge pet store to let me select a pet. I immediately chose Alfie. Or was it Alfie who really selected me? Fact is, we have been inseparable ever since and only thinking of the countless moments of joy, sadness and simple everyday little things together, his devotion, loyalty and sweet playfulness..that tail wagging when sensing our presence even in his last difficult days, in short 15 and a half years of sharing, I know my life will never be the same without him.

Thank you my darling Alfie, you have made me a wiser, happier and more complete person.

He looks just like my Maltese, Zachary who died 6-18-01. In fact everything you said reminds me of our life together, long ago.
Z was a pampered pup too, adored beyond belief. He was only 9.5 when he left me and it was absolutely crushing. My first experience with the death of a loved one. I lived on this website for years after he passed. It gave me tremendous comfort. i also went to see a grief therapist. That helped lots. And the passage of time.

My sweet Lucy goosie died 5 days ago. She was 13. Llasa apso dog. I am hurting all over again. It is very hard to endure this pain. I miss my girl. I am reaching out to you tonight with my heavy heart, to say how very sorry I am. for your loss. and. for. mine.

Hi Anne,

Thank you for including Alfie's picture. What an adorable dog he was, not just from the visual but from everything you described about him. He lived a long and happy life under your care. Even near the end, you did everything you could to make him as comfortable as possible. As I'm sure you know, we can all relate. I just recently lost two elderly dogs and have been through the same things that led up to it. Back in June, I lost my 12-year old Alaskan Malamute mix due to increasing seizures. He also had arthritis and a splint put in his back leg. He had trouble getting up and so I had to get behind him, put my arms underneath and lift up his 100+ pound body every time he needed to get up. I lost my 11-year old shepherd mix on October 20th. She had liver cancer. Before we put her to sleep, I had to watch her decline for a month to where she wouldn't eat. I gave her a liver supplement daily and force fed her baby food because even though I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I couldn't just sit there and watch her starve without trying. What I'm trying to say is that no matter how painful it is to foresee the outcome and then to go through the grieving process, we love our companions so much that we would do anything for them, and that they benefit all the more from our care. Just know that our pets can sense our love and don't give us a reason to feel guilty. We do that to ourselves.

As for not being there at the final moment, I couldn't do it either for my first one. The last thing I did was to push Zeus (the Alaskan Malamute mix) into my car and watch my husband and daughter drive him away to the vets. I didn't think I could handle it because I never had to put down a pet before. I am so glad that he came to me in a dream that very night. He came up behind me and I put my hand in his fur and thanked him for coming back to me. I truly believe he was telling me that he was okay. I had a mobile veterinarian come to put down Zena, my other dog. She was in immense pain because her liver was failing, and I desperately asked him to come out at night. He arrived on our doorstep at around 10pm. It was a difficult thing to go through, but I know that I gave her the gift of escaping the pain. I could see it in her eyes when it happened. That was a huge learning experience for me. It will never be easy to make that final decision, for any pet ever, and a part of me hates that I waited so long that she was in pain by the end. There are books out there that talk about this subject. I ordered two of them but haven't read them yet. That might help with whatever guilt we feel over making this decision and knowing when to make it.

By the way, I really like how you provided Alfie with homecooked meals. After reading about GMO's and the abundance of them in dog food, and after suspecting a tumor in my first dog and knowing about cancer in the other, I vow to never feed future pets with ordinary dog food again. It may be more expensive, but I intend to cook organic meals supplemented by organic grain free dog food (perhaps, after doing more extensive research on it).

I wish you well on this grief journey. We've all been and/or still are going through it, so coming on here will help. We're here to listen and to give advice when you need it.

Laura

I am so sorry for your loss of Alfie. I know the pain your enduring. It's heartwrenching. We have such a speical bond with our furry freinds. They are like are best friend, our contant companion.

Don't blame yourself for not being there when Alfie fell asleep. The shock to see them breathing and to watch them take their last breath is almost unbearable. I cried so hard I could barely breath. I kept repeating as I was crying "I want my Lucymae". It was a lot harder than I thought.

I know a lot of people can't be there when they take there last breath. I can tell from your post that Alfie was a very loved and cared for dog. They were very blessed and lucky to have such a wonderful mother like you.

It's going on 6 weeks for me and it's still hard. I have my ups and downs. Part of what was healing was to do a memorial for her on www.pets-memories.com. It was healing for me to take the time to do this for her.

If you have a chance please light a candle for my Lucymae on this sight. You type in Lucymae at the top than on the next screen her name will appear. Click on her name and her picture will come up. The candle icon is on the left hand side. It's healing to me to see all the candles that were lit for her.

Your not alone in your grieving. We are here for you anytime. You can always email me direct at angelsbreath7@msn.com

Hugs to you,

Lynn

I just saw Alfie's picture, How adorable. He looks very happy!

Lynn

Hi, Anne, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Alfie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Anne, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Alfie, and it is a very painful journey both emotionally and physically. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even six months - - for it is a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" - - and you will find your heart breaking anew.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Alfie share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Alfie continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will. His sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of you - - he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart, Anne. I can only hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as our forum correspondents have already shared with you, please let me affirm their words of comfort that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Alfie with us, Anne, and for sharing a picture of him. What a sweetheart he is!! He is so adorable and the expression in his eyes and on his face reflects the eternal love bond you share together. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Anne, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear ZBL,

Thanks for your heartfelt words. I could sense so much pain in your words, having lost Alfie only a couple of days ago (last Thursday) I know how raw the pain of your most recent loss, your precious Lucy goosie, must be for you. Today I spent quite a bit of time staring at his photos and I also put some of his things (his collar, his woolen jumper etc) in a box..I even have put the soft blanket he died on in a plastic bag, washed and all but still with some of his white hairs on it..how precious these little hairs are to me now!! Sometimes I think I am going half insane - here I am, a grown woman getting all emotional even with the sight of a single hair of his fur..but you know what? I think it is also a very natural and healthy reaction - it is called grieving and though I know many people around us who have never had this kind of bond with an animal simply can't understand this, I really don't care what others think. This is MY way of mourning and no one, not even my husband, can stop me from crying or taking my time to grieve. This site provides a wonderful outlet for that. I don't know you ZBL but from my very aching heart I wish you strength and light to carry this pain. As things stand for me now I don't think I will ever have another dog, let's say I feel right now that Alfie was my first and final canine love (I also don't want to go thourgh this pain again to be honest), but I know I need to keep a window open for what the future might bring. Be well, I will have you in my thoughts.

Dear Laura,

Thank you so much for your comforting words (yes Alfie WAS super adorable, wasn't he?!:), but also for sharing own your story with me. I am completely new on this site and still need to find my way around it, but I just visited your page and looked at the photos of your Zeus and Zena. (For some reason your Zena touched me deep inside, perhaps because there seems to be some pain in her eyes?) Even in the midst of my own pain, so very very raw as I'm writing this, my heart goes out to you and your family for having had to go through this twice in such a short time span. Where does one find the strength to go on? For me Laura, there are two realizations that help me get things slightly more in perspective when I feel Alfie's loss (and particularly the decision to have him put to sleep) is just too devastating to bear: 1) It is a true comfort to me to know that Alfie lived a long and happy life. Dying of old age is after all what we want for all our precious ones, this regardless of the fact that because of this long companionship we are left even more shattered and heartbroken when they're gone. And 2) I only need to think of how he was in the last days of his life to know that it was indeed the most loving thing we could do. He was so helpless, so weak that I knew he would have died a slow, lingering death otherwise. I had him drink some water out of my hand shortly before the vet came (he could no longer drink or eat on his own because of the stroke), and I massaged him one last time. It made him feel safe and able to sleep.


It will probably take me a long time before I can completely 'forgive' myself for not being there when he actually stopped breathing (I was with him just before that though, but got so emotional when he fell asleep and I knew the end was near that both the vet and my husband said it was better if I walked out for a minute). As much as I comfort myself with the thought that I was there with him as he drifted off in that deep sleep, I so wish now I had found the strength to stay and stroke him as he passed. It is something I will have to live with though. But I know it must be OK for him really. I want to believe that Alfie was 1000% reassured in my love for him, as I was always in his love for me.


As for the home-cooked meals, I simply wanted to give him the best of the best, particularly as he got frail towards the end of his life. And so chicken filet it was for Alfie. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to give him water or clean up his pee / poop and lay down fresh towels/blankets for him (I did about 3 laundries a day to have enough to supply him with). Or simply sit with him, talk to him (he was deaf but I knew he sensed me) and give him a massage. Deaf, blind and no longer able to stand steady on his legs or lift his head straight up..love was all that kept him alive really.


Thanks again Laura, I hope that many loving memories of Zena and Zeus will help you cope with your losses.

Dear Lynn,

Thanks from the heart for your sweet and comforting words. Yes..I believe sweet Alfie had a pretty blessed life, very protected, with lots of love and countless happy moments. Sometimes I think, was it mere coincidence that he came into my life, that I picked him out of all those puppies nearly 16 years ago in that pet store? He was such a big and essential part of my life and our bond was so strong that I cannot imagine it was just a matter of chance..but perhaps even that doesn't even matter. What matters is that all of us here, even in these moments of unbearable pain and loneliness, have been privileged with creatures in our lives that not only have given us so much (unconditional) love and joy, but have also made us better people. And I know your Lucymae has done the very same for you

Thanks for reaching out, Lynn. I will make a note of your e-mail. And of course I will light a candle for your Lucymae. Hug across the ocean.

Dear Moonbeam,


I can read between the lines that you are a spiritual and very loving person, thanks so much for your uplifting words. I too believe there is realm beyond what we can sense or fathom with the mind, and I like to think that Alfie's spirit will live on there forever. He will most certainly do so in my heart.

Yes, I know that grieving is a slow and painful process and I found myself going through different stages in the last few days. Stages that, though very heart wrenching, I feel I need to allow myself to go through. As a person who has lost her sister prematurely to cancer and more recently had to say farewell to her beloved father, I know that taking time to grieve, and also expressing that pain and agony inside, is the only way to deal with this kind of pain. Tonight, when I lay my head to rest, I will imagine sweet little Alfie breathing on my cheek and wagging his tail as he used to do.

Bless you Moonbeam, thanks for holding us in your prayers.

Hi, Anne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your sister and father - - in addition to your beloved Alfie. When we experience multiple losses over a period of time we can find that our grief is intensified. And as the holidays approach and the losses are still particularly so very recent, we can find that what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" is actually "the most horrible time of the year" because our hearts are burdened with deep sorrow. We find ourselves having to put on what I call the "public face" for social events which is hard when our hearts are breaking. It is important that you allow yourself the private time you need to grieve for your beloved Alife and your sister and father.

Anne, thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Alfie with us. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Alfie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Anne, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Alfie. He is so handsome. He looks so much like my Mickey (Maltese/Pekingese) who passed away 21 months ago from congestive heart failure. He passed naturally here at home with us by his side. He was a little over 14 yrs. old.

Again, Anne, I am so sorry. (((((HUGS)))))


LoveMyMickey