Missing My Rascal

Hi All,
My name is Kim and I'm hoping this forum will help me deal with the passing of my Beloved Rascal. I read some of the postings before I did mine and Ruth's posting sounds alot like me, but then so did alot of the others. This past Wednesday(7/28/04) I had to put my Beloved Rascal to sleep after 14 years of companionship. He had always been a healthy cat, Then at 11 years old he was diagnosed with Feline Urinary Disease and survived both surgeries. The vet that did the surgeries wanted me to put him to sleep before the first surgery because he didn't think he would survive it, but I told him that Rascal was my miracle baby and had outlived nine lives already and he was a fighter. He stayed healthy for the last 3 and a half years. About 2 months ago he started scratching and I thought it was just his skin allergies and treated it as usual and it cleared up. However he then started to lose large patches of hair and that scared me cause it had never happened before. When he started staying in one place for days and going to the bathroom where he layed, I knew it wasn't good. I took him to a new vet and he tested positive for FIV and Feline Leukemia. Talk about a shock, I almost dropped to the floor in disbelief. He had been tested before and never had it. I could have had him treated to live his last days at home, but he was suffering so bad. God knows I was torn between what to do and the hardest part was when I walked out of the exam room after saying my goodbyes and crying in his fur, he just looked at me with those big sad eyes like where are you going mom and why are you leaving me here. If I could take it back, I would have stayed with him until the end. for the first 2 days I felt so guilty for walking out of that room and leaving him there to die alone and I kept asking myself if I should have had him treated to live his last days at home and maybe he would have lived for another month. but then would he have been comfortable? I have been running it over and over in my mind and I keep asking Rascal to send me a sign that he understands, he loves me, and that hes ok.

I think this forum will help me, because after reading some of the postings I realize I'm not alone in how I feel and the guilt is a part of the grief. I guess I'm scared that Rascal will hate me for putting him to sleep and leaving him there and not staying with him until the end. In one of the postings I read that someone put her cats fur in a locket. I think t hats a wonderful way to memorialize their memory. I asked my husband to call the vet and ask them to save me some of his fur and he thought I was a little strange. I also wanted to go and see Rascal one last tiime before cremation, but my husband doesn't think I can handle it. I don't know if I can either. I am hoping some of you who have been through it can help me with this process. I will however be getting his ashes next week.

Rascal was unique cat. I bought him at a pet store in March/April of 1990, he was 6 weeks old. He was part of a Persian mix litter and someone bought the entire litter except for him because he was Coal Black. I walked in the store and heard the loudest meow I have ever heard and I immediately fell in love with him. When the shop owner handed him to me, he jumped out of my arms and made a bee line for the door and I knew right then that keeping him indoors wasn't going to be an easy task. He ended up being an outdoor cat until 5 or 6 years old, he was the block bullie with the males and the block hottie with the females because he was long, sleek and black. He had so many females coing to the door at night it nearly drove me insane listening to the meows. While he was an outdoor cat, he would walk me to and from my car everyday when I lived alone and at night he would walk me in the house and check every room before I walked into it. He was my little guard cat, He would sit in the window until I went to sleep at night and then snuggle up with me. In his later years he liked to sleep above my head on my pillow and put his chin on my fore head, I didn't mind it until he started drooling in his older age. He also loved to nuzzle his nose in my hair above my fore head and give me nose kisses. He was definitely a lover. He had the soft persian fur, it was like a mink coat and I loved cuddling with him. His favorite toys were boxes and bags. His favorite time was christmas, he love playing in the wrapping paper when I wrapped presents and when somebody opened a present he would jump in box and hide so he could be a present too.

If you look at my avatar, believe it or not, both pictures are of Rascal! He was coal black until he was 7 years old and then he started turning white. They said it was the Persian in him. He was about 4 or 5 in the picture of him black and about 10 or 11 in the picture of him white. Pretty weird huh? Well anyway thanks for letting me ramble on and I look forward to meeting and chatting with everyone. I really think it will help. I will periodically change my avatar with different pictures of Rascal as I find them. I want everyone to see hiim in happier times. thats why I used this particular picture if him white becuase hes smiling.

Thanks, Kim