Is This Acceptance?

Sunday, two days after I had Holly-kins sent to Rainbow Bridge, I was at work, seriously missing her and doubting I could make it through the day without crying my eyes out in front of my many coworkers and customers. Before having a break-down in the middle of the store, I decided to go to the bathroom to take a few minutes to myself. On my way there was a small white dog sitting in a cart while his owner shopped through the electrical wire. When he saw me he jumped up and put his front paws on the top of the cart, trying to jump out to get to me. I pet him for a while and let him kiss at my hands and I felt better. On my way back from the bathroom I saw the same dog, his owner still shopping, and once again he got excited and I pet him some more before heading back to work. I don't know what exactly it was, but after I pet that little dog I felt tons better ... like everything was right with the world and, while I would miss her dearly, it was okay. Is this normal? Should someone else's dog have made me feel like that? I'm not sure I understand why it wasn't Holly's little sister who made me feel better instead of a complete stranger's dog that I'd never seen before. Am I accepting Holly's death so quickly or is this something else?

Cremation

As some of you know my dog Holly died in my arms this past Friday. My vet had her cremated and her ashes are waiting for me at his office today. I miss her and I wanted to have a little urn necklace to keep her with me and a regular pet urn to keep at home. I found a website that looked promising, but there are no reviews on the items they sell, the copyright is 2005 (not updated) and the phone number is out of service. I won't buy from them simply because of that, but I wanted to know where I could get similar products to help remember my little girl. I've been trying to search, but I keep choking up every time I start.

I've seen the website this site links to (Ashes to Ashes), but I don't know anything about that site, either, as it has no copyright information or contact numbers. Is there a good place to get jewelry and little urns similar to the ones below? A place that won't take my money and run, so to speak?

I wasn't entirely sure where this should be posted. All I know is that I need a little extra help since this is a first for all of my family and they have about as much of an idea of what I should do as I do.

http://www.memorialgallerypets.com/pet-cre...on-jewelry.aspx
http://www.memorialgallerypets.com/pet-cre...y-dog-bone.aspx
http://www.memorialgallerypets.com/piano-f...on-urn-box.aspx

I hate that this website looks so promising but it's not updated. I suppose it's been abandoned.

Missing You

My precious little baby: a sixteen year old Shih Tzu named Holly. She was born in October of 1993 and we got her December of the same year. She was so tiny: standard color, the runt of the litter. I was six years old.

My sister and I took turns sleeping with her every night until, one day, my sister lost interest because of the new cat. Holly slept with me most nights from then on and, just before we moved in 2000, it became permanent.

Initially she was my mom's dog, but somewhere along the way she became mine. She went everywhere with me. Car rides, stores, parties, walks, everywhere except where she wasn't allowed. I never got to bring her to school with me, although I promised her I would when I got into college. I never got to keep that promise.

The beginning of this year was rough for her. She started getting sick so, desperate, I took her to the vet where they gave her a few one-two shots and she was fine again. The second month it became on and off and we switched vets because, as she got older we knew she was going to go soon and our old vet wanted us to leave her overnight. I expressed that I did not want her to be left overnight because if it was her time I wanted her to die at home where she was happy and comfortable.

She developed pancreatitis late April and we nursed her through it. She was fine for about a month until Wednesday of this week. My parents left on vacation on Monday so I'm alone watching the house. I stayed behind because Holly was too old to travel and I wanted to stay with her. The summer started out rough for me, as well. Between crashing my car, failing a course, failing to nurse a baby finch back to health and Holly's constant illness I've been stretched far too thin. I don't handle stress well to begin with, so I haven't taken the time to relax at all this summer.

Wednesday she took a turn for the worse. She vomited, had diarrhea and, while part of me knew it was time, I denied it, gave her a quarter of a chewable Pepto Bismol, fed her a little, gave her water, and went to bed with her. The next day she was worse. She vomited blood and had bloody diarrhea. She was lethargic, but she insisted on staying in my lap or on something that smelled like me. She wouldn't eat or drink and I knew that it was coming. So, last night I stayed up the entire night, talking to her and petting her, trying to ready myself for the inevitable, sure she was going to take her last breath at home where she was safe and happy.

Sadly, this morning I knew I had to take her to the vet. She wasn't in pain, but she was sick and suffering. I had to suck it up and get her to the vet. He was in surgery, but he took care of her right after, even though I was a walk-in. He diagnosed her with kidney, liver, and pancreas failure and she was bleeding in her stomach. I called my mom who told me not to cry and she arranged to have Holly put down.

At one-fifteen I arrived at the vet to have my baby trying to jump into my arms. I held her and stayed with her while the drugs were administered and at one-thirty she took her last breath and seemed to just fall asleep in my arms. I kept telling her how much I loved her, but it didn't feel like enough. I don't know if she knew or understood why I was doing what I was doing, and I still think it's my fault and that I should have done something more for her. I stayed with her for about an hour after he pronounced her dead and just pet her. I couldn't stand letting her go.

She's going to be cremated and I'm getting her ashes. I'm somewhat religious, but I'm terrified of death and I hate that I sent her to face it practically alone, even though she was in my arms when she passed. I don't have any shoulders to cry on because no one's here, but I need some kind of support. I guess I need someone to tell me it's okay and that I didn't hurt her and that she forgives me for making her suffer those last few days. She's my precious baby and I can't imagine what life will be without her.

By the way ... is it overly strange of me to be seeking out where my baby slept so that I can smell her? It's almost like ... I need it ... it calms me down when I can smell her ... I haven't asked anyone because I don't know if I should be concerned or if I'm just so distraught I want to feed the denial part of my mind.