Im sure this is something that you all have gone through, but the last couple of nights Im feeling intense guilt and reliving the moments , the hour actually that we rushed Dakota to the vet and made the decision that he should be put to sleep. I keep thinking that maybe if we would have let him have the blood transfusion and another exploritory surgery it would be possible that he would be here right now. Dakota had Autoimmune Hymolytic Anemia and Degeneritive Myelopothy. We asked the emergency vet if this was ever going to get better with him before we could let them start blood transfusions etc or the surgery. She said she really couldnt say what the long term prognosis would be and that the transfusion could temporarily make him feel better, but since he had his spleen out already and was on streriods and chemo and they werent working that it wasnt likely. She said that what he would have to go through to get better was very extensive not to mention that his Degeneritive Myelopothy was complicating things. Plus she didnt really feel that any of it would work for him. I know what she said, but I keep rethinking that maybe we should have gone ahead and put him through one more surgery. But he was suffering so bad and his anemia was down to 10 ( the normal is 35 or higher ) I dont know, Im still rethinking over and over our decision. His regular vet called and said that we made the right choice, but then I wondered if she tells everyone that just so that they dont feel terrible. My husband said that we made the right choice for him, but although he could not walk or go to the bathroom by himself anymore ( we had to hold him up ) I feel like his face was so much alive. It was his body just gave out. I know that on this site I read that this is normal and you cant relive it, but its haunting me and I cant get past it. I know Dakota wouldnt want me to feel this way and Im trying to get past it.

Please help with your thoughts, and I would like truly honest replies. Do you think I did the right thing ? Like I said, its haunting me.

Colleen

Colleen,

You did the right thing. Guilt is normal, always a what if we had done this, what if we had done that.

Just try to relax and focus on the fact that Dakota is no longer feeling any pain. Dakota is running and playing at the Rainbow Bridge with lots of other animals. And Dakota is smiling down apon you thanking you for helping him make the journey.

(((Colleen)))

It will get better.

Joey

Dear Colleen,

I am SO sorry you are having to go through this. I can tell you from personal experience that the guilt is normal. I had to make that decision for my little girl almost two weeks ago. Like Dakota, she was still very much alert. Every time we walked in the room she would lift her head and wag her tail at us. She couldn't stand any longer, and I also would carry her outside and have to steady her and hold her just so she could go to the bathroom. When I let go of her, she would just lay right down. I battled with the decision of ending her suffering for a few days before I finally realized that I was not helping her at all by prolonging her life. I'm sure Dakota would not have enjoyed a quality life anymore, no matter what options you tried. I can tell you that waiting doesn't make it any easier. I kept petting her and telling her she wasn't making it easy for me by looking at me and wagging her tail. She had been bleeding internally from a cancerous tumor and she never showed any signs to us. It wasn't until she couldn't hide it any more and became so weak she couldn't get up or down and stopped eating and drinking. It was such a sudden decision we had to make.

I then had to decide if I would be there with her when the vet helped her pass on to Rainbow Bridge. As hard as I knew it would be, I decided I owed it to her to be there. I held her adorable face in my hands and soothed her as she passed. I wrote in here that the memory of watching her pass haunted me terribly!!!!! I kept reliving the moment over and over again. The guilt felt like a knife in my heart, adding more misery to the pain I already experienced from losing her.

I am here to tell you that it will get better. I may still be haunted occassionally with her final breath, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I am SO grateful that I was able to be there for her, or then the guilt might be worse for me now. However, I realize everyone is different in what they can do, but for me, I know it now comforts me, instead of making me feel guilty, to know I was there with her.

I can tell you honestly that I KNOW I made the best decision for her now. If there was more I could have tried, well, I still think it was best to just let her go peacefully. I didn't prolong her life so that I would feel better still haivng her here in body with me. You did the very best thing for Dakota. You gave him a dignified end without more stress and strain to his life. It will get better, I promise! I still miss Rachael terribly and spend days crying, but the tears are starting to hurt a little less and the guilt is gone now. Rachael and Dakota are now playing with all the other furbabies. They are free of pain and suffering now. They know how much we loved them by making the decisions we made. In fact, because Rachael was still so alert, I feel sure that meant she knew exactly what I was doing for her and why I did it. I keep telling myself that I would cry everyday, forever, if I had to, just so Rachael could be comfortable and pain-free again.

Hang in there Colleen, it will take time, but it will get better.

Big hugs,
Cheri

Thank you both for your replies! Like CheriAnn I keep reliving the moments that I saw the life pass out of his eyes. It happend so quickly that I wasnt prepared. When I close my eyes that is what I remember. It has lessend since Wednesday, but its still there. One thing I do regret is that we did not think about taking my other dog with us so that she could sniff him and know that he was gone.It happend so fast we didnt really have time to think. Im greiving more watching her being depressed and her not knowing where he is. He was in and out of the hospital so much in the past 2 weeks that Im not sure she knows that he is really not coming back. Today I think I need to get out of the house. I havent cleaned in a while since Dakota is was sick and Im crying as Im vacuuming up the last of his hairs ! How ridiculous it sounds, I know. I feel like I am wiping the last traces of him away and Im angry I have to do it.

One thing Im so glad about is that we chose to stay with him and hold him until the his last moments. I could never have left him alone during that process. I know people that have and thats ok, but I know for us it was the best thing for him and us even if it hurts so much now.

I think Im going to speak to his vet one last time when I drop off a thank you card and the tribute that I wrote for him. Maybe she can give me alittle more closure.

Thank you all again for listening to my ramblings. Im so relieved to have a place to talk and work these things out in my head.

Thank you
Colleen

This is not ridiculous. Our cat Moose passed 2 weeks ago and my wife found some his hairs on a shirt he had slpet on. She collect some of the hairs and put them in a tiny jar to remember him buy. To help her remember how comfy he looked when he was sleeping on her shirt.

Such little things can mean a lot to a person looking for good thoughts to remember their pet by.

Joey

It can be difficult to deal with the remanants like hair and toys or milk bones that have somehow got hidden away behind/under funiture or what have you. My Ava had such a thick coat that she was ALWAYS shedding but she would go through a major shed mid summer where she would lose her previous winters coat. I'd generally help her shed by combing/brushing her coat and manually pulling the clumps out (used to drive her nuts at times when I'd do this). I always felt soo sorry for her when the summer heat would set in and she would still be packing most of her winter coat. I'd spent alot of time brushing her out in the week before she died. I used to show people how soft and warm her 'insulation' coat was (soft as down and just amazing how it would retain heat). I had handfuls of hair in the garbage when she had passed. I though seriously about saving some of it but elected not to figuring it would just slow down my healing process. I sort of wish I had kept some but I am content that I chose not to, I can live with it.

Last weekend I mowed the lawn and some clumps of her fur showed up. It almost brought me to tears again but I am getting over it slowly. The little reminders are still everywhere and for me, that is the hardest part seeing as they still trigger me. Bit by bit, it doesn't bother me as much.

You made the decision based on love. You gave Dakota a good life, and a good death. You kept both of your unspoken promises to your beautiful friend. Your vet probably gave you the best advice - it can't be easy to lose a patient either - and you followed it. You did it with love, and that is all that counts.

Dee Dee

Colleen,

I feel for what you're going through. You're right---Dakota doesn't want you feeling guilty. He just wants you to be okay.

Dakota's body was giving out, which signaled that his earthly time had run out. But he's a spirit, in total bliss, right now, and you'll be fully reunited when it's your time.

You did the right thing!

Much love,

Kathy

I feel so bad for you. iI still cry every day. I don't want anyone sitting in MommaCat's chair. It has been 1 week today since she passed. Just remind yourself that Dakota didn't die an unnatural death. Had you not done so much for him he would have passed much sooner and at the end you just made the passing easier for him. I'm a nurse and often have to remind myself that death is naturel and as humans we can only do so much before God takes over but it is hard to remember that when it comes to my baby. I did one last surgery for Momma a few days before here death that I wish I hadn't put her through so be glad you didn't put him through that just for a few more hours of life that he wouldn't have been able to be himself or or that he would have been in pain. You will see him again and he will be his young self and it will be for ever.

aww i know how you fell! but im so sorry yoyu fell guilt on top of grief aswell but you did DO the best for youure baby. i hope you are ok!
love always jaymie x

Thank you all for your compassion and understanding. Im sure I never could have gotten through these past 4 days without all of your help.

I brought my younger dog Nikki to Pet Co yesterday and bought her some new treats and new toys. It was the first time that I had been out of the house since Dakota died. We played hard with her last night and she seemed very happy. I think it made us all feel better. We have her still and she is another wonderful little soul. Every single time I have started to cry in the past few days she would come running to me and sits right infront of me until I stop. When my son would start crying she would run to get me ! I am so blessed to have had both of my dogs in my life. They are truly angels.

I woke up today not feeling as desperate as I was the past few days. I miss him so much, but Im starting to realize that we did the best we could for him.

I think yesterday was the hardest day for me with cleaning the house. Its funny how all the things that drove me crazy when he was alive were the things I feel like Im going to miss the most. The nose prints on the windows, water all over the floor and his drool on the window ledge that he left when he would wait by the window for my husband to get home. I was home alone for the first time yesterday and finally cleaned up a bit. It was so hard to erase those signs of him.

Again, thank you all for getting me through these past few days. Im so glad I found this site.
Colleen

Hello Colleen,

I, too, am dealing with the recent loss of my pet. Maxi has been with me since the day he was born. I still have his sister and two other kitties. His mother dies two years ago tragically.
I am writing to you to relate to the comment you made about the dog hair you were cleaning up. Yesterday while I was burying my Maxi, my husband, thinking he was doing a good thing, came inside and cleaned off the blankets that Max had been sleeping on for the past month. He put them in the washer and I came in in a panic. How dare he wash those blankets that had my kitties hair and smell on. He felt so bad. Some of the pillows still have his little black hairs on them and I too, as another writer her said, collected them and put them in a bag. I can't even think about cleaning those pillows off. Even the wood floor where Maxi last layed has a spot on it, can't think about wiping that up right now.
I feel that you are just wonderful for having so much love in your heart for your baby. If only life would go on forever. I would probably bargain anything right now to not have to feel the pain. But I do have to go through this.
At least we have each other here. Thank God for that.
Love,
Suzanne

Colleen, I want you to know that I spent an amazing amount of money trying to save Ginger (with blood transfusions etc)--what I spent would have bought a new CAR. seriously. But Ginger died anyway. I learned that when their time is up it really is up--no amount of our wanting it to be different and no amount of money will change it. I only hope I did not cause my wonderful friend prolonged suffering because of my stubborness not to let go. You did absolutely the right thing and the guilt is inevitable. My heart goes out to you. It will all get better--it takes time, but I promise..it will get better.
Love,
Patti