Dugan, Gone two years today Options

[Krissyo]

I was very lucky to find this website two years ago today when I had to have my beloved Dugan put to sleep after 17 incredible years. I thought I was going to go out of my mind with grief. Waves of unending grief which was only lessened by my coming here to read and post which I did for about three or four months until the computer crashed and I could not get back on until January of 2007. I have checked back in once in awhile but felt like I was standing at the edge of a river, trying to jump in but not sure where or when. I have come back today as it is the second anniversary and I could used some words of wisdom as I feel very stuck in my grief. I also thought if I just tried to get on with my life time would heal things but it has not. I felt like I had a lot of love to give another furbaby, so I adopted a kitten, from a local shelter, that we named Toby. I was not sure if I was ready but if I waited to long I might have trouble with our dog, Jake. We had lost our daughter's cat Dobbsie a year and a half earlier and my loss of Dugan made me grieve over him all over again. Dugan will always be with me in my heart and I know I will never get that lucky again as I felt he was my "once in a lifetime" love. When I got Toby he was affectionate and very sweet. Jake (the dog) missed both Dugan and Dobbsie and Toby became a close companion to him. They used to sleep together and Toby used to sleep on the bed with us as well. Toby will be two in the fall and has become quite independent. He is still very sweet but never sleeps on the bed, does not like to cudddle. It is like he has not bonded with me or my husband and I don't know why. He has a lot of toys and I try playing with him but he has little interest. He only like dry cat food and does not care for any kind of treats except dried tuna flakes which I have tried hand feeding to him in an effort to get him to lie close to me. The vet has checked him out and he is fine so it is not physical. I love him very much but I do not feel the love from him. I had such a close bond with Dugan, he would jump up on the table and roll over on the newspaper so I would pet him, love him, adore him and I miss that so very much. My husband said we could get another cat but I am pretty much terrified as I know that this will be the last one. Some people told me that Dugan would lead another cat into my life, which I thought was Toby. I volunteered at a local animal shelter, brushing the cats, which was how I met the woman who was fostering Toby as he and his brothers were found abandoned in a field. When they were found there was no momma cat and one of his brothers had died. This lady fostered him and bottle fed the kittens. She got another older female cat to show them how to be kitties. They were raised around kids, dogs and other cats so he was really well socialized. He was never scared of Jake from the moment he arrived. My daughter said that she thought Toby came into our lives as he needed us rather than my need for him but I have this overwhelming sense that something is missing in my life.

Ten months ago I agreed to take care of a little kitten for the foster mom that I got Toby from. She needed me to take care of her for a few days as he was to go on a plane to his new home in New Jersey. I feel madly in love with him when he climbed up in bed with me and curled into my neck and started purring. Because of cir%%stance I wound up with him for almost a week and by then I was begging the lady in New Jersey to let me have him which she declined. It was a really bad experience as I wound up taking the poor kitten to the airport, several times, and she was terrified of the carrier and the plane and she kept trying to get to me throught the cage. Putting her on the plane was the the hardest thing, I wanted to keep he so very badly. I cried for days, it was ANOTHER door closing. It made me realize how much I was missing in my life, not having that special conection with an animal. Unconditional love can only come from animals as we mere mortals cannot achieve such high standards. I do not volunteer at the shelter anymore as the owner asked me to take another kitten to the airport and I felt like what I had already done was not appreciated. Probably small and petty on my part but I was in pain and I just wanted to go away and lick my wounds.

So, now do I try again or should I "wait" until Dugan really does bring another love into my life or should I just get used to to the idea that this is just the way it is. As much as I love Toby, I really don't want another cat that is so indifferent to me. If I get another cat how do I know which one is the "right" one.

[sissycat]

I am so glad this site helps so many people! My loss was only ablout 11 weeks ago so I can't really offer you advice on your questions. Some of which I would like answered for myself. I want to adopt again sometime, but I am so scared I won't find the right one. (is there another right one) I too miss the snuggling and playing.

Hope you find the answers you are looking for

Hugs

[LauraK]

I'm 2 weeks in to it and I think what you mentioned is what would stop me from getting another cat, even though I love them. I too loved the affection Pepsi gave me and I am scared another cat wont feel that connection with me. I can't answer your questions but I would love to read someone who can.

I hope it works out for you

Laura x

[ann]

I was very lucky to find this website two years ago today when I had to have my beloved Dugan put to sleep after 17 incredible years. I thought I was going to go out of my mind with grief. Waves of unending grief which was only lessened by my coming here to read and post which I did for about three or four months until the computer crashed and I could not get back on until January of 2007. I have checked back in once in awhile but felt like I was standing at the edge of a river, trying to jump in but not sure where or when. I have come back today as it is the second anniversary and I could used some words of wisdom as I feel very stuck in my grief. I also thought if I just tried to get on with my life time would heal things but it has not. I felt like I had a lot of love to give another furbaby, so I adopted a kitten, from a local shelter, that we named Toby. I was not sure if I was ready but if I waited to long I might have trouble with our dog, Jake. We had lost our daughter's cat Dobbsie a year and a half earlier and my loss of Dugan made me grieve over him all over again. Dugan will always be with me in my heart and I know I will never get that lucky again as I felt he was my "once in a lifetime" love. When I got Toby he was affectionate and very sweet. Jake (the dog) missed both Dugan and Dobbsie and Toby became a close companion to him. They used to sleep together and Toby used to sleep on the bed with us as well. Toby will be two in the fall and has become quite independent. He is still very sweet but never sleeps on the bed, does not like to cudddle. It is like he has not bonded with me or my husband and I don't know why. He has a lot of toys and I try playing with him but he has little interest. He only like dry cat food and does not care for any kind of treats except dried tuna flakes which I have tried hand feeding to him in an effort to get him to lie close to me. The vet has checked him out and he is fine so it is not physical. I love him very much but I do not feel the love from him. I had such a close bond with Dugan, he would jump up on the table and roll over on the newspaper so I would pet him, love him, adore him and I miss that so very much. My husband said we could get another cat but I am pretty much terrified as I know that this will be the last one. Some people told me that Dugan would lead another cat into my life, which I thought was Toby. I volunteered at a local animal shelter, brushing the cats, which was how I met the woman who was fostering Toby as he and his brothers were found abandoned in a field. When they were found there was no momma cat and one of his brothers had died. This lady fostered him and bottle fed the kittens. She got another older female cat to show them how to be kitties. They were raised around kids, dogs and other cats so he was really well socialized. He was never scared of Jake from the moment he arrived. My daughter said that she thought Toby came into our lives as he needed us rather than my need for him but I have this overwhelming sense that something is missing in my life.

Ten months ago I agreed to take care of a little kitten for the foster mom that I got Toby from. She needed me to take care of her for a few days as he was to go on a plane to his new home in New Jersey. I feel madly in love with him when he climbed up in bed with me and curled into my neck and started purring. Because of cir%%stance I wound up with him for almost a week and by then I was begging the lady in New Jersey to let me have him which she declined. It was a really bad experience as I wound up taking the poor kitten to the airport, several times, and she was terrified of the carrier and the plane and she kept trying to get to me throught the cage. Putting her on the plane was the the hardest thing, I wanted to keep he so very badly. I cried for days, it was ANOTHER door closing. It made me realize how much I was missing in my life, not having that special conection with an animal. Unconditional love can only come from animals as we mere mortals cannot achieve such high standards. I do not volunteer at the shelter anymore as the owner asked me to take another kitten to the airport and I felt like what I had already done was not appreciated. Probably small and petty on my part but I was in pain and I just wanted to go away and lick my wounds.

So, now do I try again or should I "wait" until Dugan really does bring another love into my life or should I just get used to to the idea that this is just the way it is. As much as I love Toby, I really don't want another cat that is so indifferent to me. If I get another cat how do I know which one is the "right" one.

Hi Krissyo, oh, what a sad story letting that baby go. And here again I find another shelter voulenteer. I've been wanting to do that myself but I just can't bear to see those animals in cages..Anyways, you can't beat yourself up wondering about the "right pet". Just go with the flow and let it happen. I lost 2 cats many years ago. So different in personalities, but I loved them both. I got extremely close with Daisy. Her death nearly killed me. 2 1/2 yrs ago me and my partner Dave adopted Arthur. It was love at first sight for Dave. Me, well, even though 16 yrs had past since Daisy. I didn't feel it right away. I think I felt guilty giving my love to another. No cat will ever compair to her. But a few weeks into it Arthur and I bonded. It was so strong. You just never know. Whatever you decide, however long you wait, just remember there is a sweet soul out there just wanting to be loved and will love back, that's what makes it "right"..Hugs... Ann

[LoveThem]

When did Toby change? How was he when you brought that kitten home 10 months ago?
Anything unusual happen that might make him act different? It sounds like when you got
him he did bond with all of you. You said he slept on the bed with you. Did he stop when
the new kitten slept on the bed too? I'm sure he must have felt upset when you were
crying for days after putting the kitten on the plane. Maybe somewhere in all of this
is an answer to his changing.

you said..about the kitten: I feel madly in love with him when he climbed up in bed with me and curled into my neck and started purring. Because of cir%%stance I wound up with him for almost a week and by then I was begging the lady in New Jersey to let me have him which she declined. It was a really bad experience as I wound up taking the poor kitten to the airport, several times, and she was terrified of the carrier and the plane and she kept trying to get to me throught the cage. Putting her on the plane was the the hardest thing, I wanted to keep he so very badly. I cried for days, it was ANOTHER door closing.

How was Toby acting all this time? He had to know you were devastated. I wouldn't give up on
him yet. Is he still close to Jake?

you said...about Toby: When I got Toby he was affectionate and very sweet. Jake (the dog) missed both Dugan and Dobbsie and Toby became a close companion to him. They used to sleep together and Toby used to sleep on the bed with us as well.

Did you feel he was what you wanted at that time? Can you look back at when Toby started acting differently and see if anything in his life changed around the same time?

You will never replace Dugan. As much as we wish we could see our special one in a new one, the personality just won't be the same or even close. 17 years is a long time. I had my Little Guy for over 16 1/2 years when I lost him. I also got a new one (as you got Toby) and his personality is very different..very. Having them so many years makes it a very very hard loss.
Things sound like they were looking up with your first description of Toby. You were grieving for Dugan but let Toby into your life. Later, even though the new kitten was only there for a week, it sounds like a very trying time with multiple trips to the airport and lots of anxiety. And a new grieving overwhelmed you. This could be confusing to Toby...I don't know. Did he get extra attention with the new kitten there so he felt part of it all? We don't know what goes through their minds and it may take some detective work to see if it can be turned around and he will go back to being how he was before.

You feel something is missing in your life. You are very right. Dugan is missing..after 17 years.
That leave a very big "hole".

you ended with: should I just get used to to the idea that this is just the way it is. As much as I love Toby, I really don't want another cat that is so indifferent to me. If I get another cat how do I know which one is the "right" one.

No, you don't need to get used to the idea that this is just the way it is. Don't give up on Toby.
He may need time and extra assurances. He sounds like he was what you wanted at one time. If you can figure out what changed in his life..maybe that's the clue to him changing back.

You asked about how to know which one is the "right" one. When you got Toby..did you feel
he was the "right" one at that time? if your answer is Yes...What was it about him that told you that? I think that is the answer to your final question.

I am sorry about your losses and hope things turn around for you. We just can't capture what we have lost. Life will never be the same because whatever is new will be different. We will
always miss what we had. But all these babies are capable of giving that special love..it is there inside them but they react to us and they sense when we are unhappy and just maybe, for some of them, it is just too confusing for them to act as we hope. Sometimes..we have to
"unconfuse" them, maybe.

Just thoughts and ideas and questions and I hope something was helpful.

Hugs and I do hope you find what you are looking for...the answer is also within yourself.