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I hope those that replied to my original message Grief, Guilt for MoonBeam have received my replies. Are all replies attached at the bottom of each original message?

I'm not finding technical answers I need by using the Help button. I'll keep at it - Thanks.....
janet
MoonBeam's Mom

Grief, Guilt For Moonbeam

This is the first time I have ever posted on a message of any sort . I have expereinced pet loss several times in my life, but this one I would never have dramed could happen.

Has anyone out there ever experienced the horror of ending your cat's life due to severe behavioral problems? I have gone to the pet bereavement sites and cannot find anyone in my situation. Be warned his message is a little long/wordy. Sorry.

My sweet MoomBeam, 12 years old, used to urinate on carpeting wherever I lived. She did this for 10 years. But never on tiled or hardwood floors. I took her to vets but there was never a physical problem. I bought my current house parially because it has hard wood floors, assuring that MoonBeam would be happy here.

I had major spinal surgery and became bed and housebound in April of 2004. MoonBeam had me all to herself, lying on my bed with me for two years. The surgery was a failure, and I still don't have a social or professional life. I leave the house for groceries, medical appts., etc., but am definitely more mobile than I was those 1st two years.

MoonBeam gradually became more neurotic as I healed. She was always horrified of anyone coming in the house, would run and hide (cleaning lady, handymen, all noisy people with loud tools and "stuff" that scared her). I accepted her for who she was.

But then the urinating started in this house - a year ago - , when she would get mad at me (wanting attention I could not always give, at that exact moment). First the bathroom floor (where I stood for hair/make-up), repeatedly and routinely. A babygate went up. at the door. Then my home office where I sat at my computer. I had installed expensive carpeting in the office (hoping to return to my profession). A babygate went up at the office door entry. Then in the past two months, she started on the sunroom with parquet floors. She stopped using the cat box. The floor is destroyed. Then other places in the house when I wasn't looking.

My spine is completely fused and I move slowly. Bending over to clean up her puddles/poop was horrific. I began to cry each time I did it, knowing that I could not physically keep it up, and that MoonBeam was unhappy. Some days I was in too much pain to clean it up, and the smell and mess got worse. I can not "climb or step over" a baby gate, I have to take then completely down to go in/out of those rooms. I was slowly losing each room of my house to my cat.

The thought to end her life entered my head weeks ago. The thought horrifed me. I cried every day that I would even have such thoughts. I have heard of people that euthanize their pets because the pets were no longer "convenient". I looked down on and judged those people.

Then last week another surgery got scheduled for me: on my right hand. I knew I could not continue to clean up the daily mess, and there is no one in my life who loves cats and would do it for me during recovery.

So I ended my sweet MoonBeam's life. Yesterday. I was hysterical when I walked in the vet's office. I sobbed and wanted to be talked out of it. But I knew MoonBeam had crossed some sort of a line that MoonBeam or I could not undue. GIving Prozac was mentioned, but MoonBeam had become so skittish, she would never allow me to give her daily pills. I knew she would hide under the bed, and I am unable physically to reach her there.

MoonBeam's mood at the vet was her usual: sweet, purring, pleasant, and curious. Even tho' she was acting like a nutcase at home at times, she was always a delight at a vet's office. Every vet loved to work with her. She always let them do anything to her. Yesterday, she rubbed her face on everything, and her attention got caught by something moving outside thru the window. I felt I had betrayed her trust, and have never felt so lousy.

My grief is also fueled by anger at the female vet. She was a jerk. I made it clear I wanted the injection to be done thru the muscle in MoonBeam's stomach, not in a vein in any of her legs. I had this done with a former cat, and it does not hurt the cat. It just takes longer - 10 min. maybe - for sleep, then death. The vet rejected my wishes. Said it "takes longer". Takes longer for whom? For her? I wa not leaving MoonBeam alone so what difference should it make to the vet?

The vet hurt MoonBeam - twice. She could not get a vein in a front leg, so she went for a back leg and failed. MoonBeam cried. At the 2nd failure, the vet finally injected the stomach. I petted and talked to my baby until she fell asleep. The vet kept trying to get me to leave (I had stopped crying and was calm).

The atmosphere in that vet's office from the moment I walked in was: let's kill this cat quick, get the payment, and get this sobbing woman out of here. I asked for cremation, and she threw a notebook in front of me, and I had to make a decision, right then and there, while MoonBeam was on the table (before injection), what arrangements and urn I wanted, and pay for it right then (no credit card payment allowed). It was deplorable. I don't even know what I ordered I was so filled with grief.

I apologize that I'm rambling and I don't expect too many to read this. Maybe I just needed to write it down. I called the Pet Loss Hotline at Univ of FL and this a.m. talked to a counselor. I would recommend them. 1-352-392-4700, ext 4080.

I feel ashamed for what I did. I feel I must lie to friends/family if they ask where my baby MoonBeam is. No one in my circle understands or loves cats like I do. They are all dog people (which I am, too - MoonBeam's big brother was a yellow lab). I feel I let MoonBeam down by going to that woman to end her life, and that my wishes were not followed. I am sad and have that hole in my heart that all of you out there know about.

Thank you for reading. My thoughts go out to others who are suffering right now. I know the guilt is there no matter how they die. I still feel guilt over my yellow lab and its been 8 years. I still beat myself up for not ending his suffering 24 hours sooner. Hindsight is 20/20.
Thank You,