IPB

Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

 Forum Rules Site Rules and Courtesies
 
Closed TopicStart new topic
> Common Myths About Pet Loss, by Larry Kaufman, M.S., LMFT
LS Support
post Jul 10 2003, 04:10 PM
Post #1


Forum Administrator


Group: Admin
Posts: 1,073
Joined: 3-March 03
From: Midwest USA
Member No.: 1



Pet Loss Myths

"I didn't know anyone else felt as deeply as I do towards animals" a number
of people have confided in me. When it comes to your love of animals, you may
not be as alone as you think! Some pet owners are extraordinarily attached and
dedicated to their animal companions. So when their good (or best) friends die -
or otherwise leave their lives - they are heartbroken and sometimes devastated.


Since more and more animal lovers are "coming out of the closet," fewer
animal lovers are feeling as alone with their intense pet-related grief. More
and more animal lovers are openly talking about their deep bonds with their
furred, feathered, finned, and scaled friends. Peoples' attitudes towards pet
loss have really changed in the last 40 years - especially in the last decade.
Despite growing enlightenment, misperceptions about pet loss still persist.
These myths hinder healthy mourning. Here are some of the myths followed by the
realities.


Myth: People who experience intense grief over the loss or
anticipated loss of a pet are crazy, weird, or strange.

Reality: Individuals who say this, or believe this, are
judgmental. Experiencing powerful feelings of distress over the loss of a loved
animal companion is, usually, normal and healthy. People who have strong
feelings about the loss of a pet have them because they are capable of intimate
attachments and deep emotional bonding. This is something to be proud of, not
something to put down.


Myth: Pet loss is insignificant when compared to the loss of
human life. To mourn the loss of a pet devalues the importance of human
relationships.
Reality: The loss of a beloved animal
companion can be as emotionally significant, even more significant, than the
loss of a human friend or relative. People are capable of simultaneously loving
and caring about both animals and humans. One doesn't have to detract from the
other.


Myth: It is best to replace the lost pet as quickly as
possible. This will ease the pain of loss.
Reality: Animal
companions cannot be "replaced." They are not interchangeable. They are all
separate, different individuals with unique personalities. People need to feel
emotionally ready to get another pet before they can successfully adopt a new
animal into their hearts and family. Some people attempt to avoid the mourning
process by rushing out to get a "replacement" pet. This isn't good for people or
for the pets.


Myth: It is best to mourn alone. This is a way to be strong
and independent, and not burden others with your problems. Besides, you need to
protect yourself from being ridiculed for loving and missing your special animal
friend.
Reality: It takes courage to reach out to others.
Mourners can greatly benefit by the empathy, caring, and understanding of
supportive others. But be selective about where you turn to for help since some
people do not take pet loss seriously.


Myth: Resolution and closure (a bringing to an end;
conclusion) to mourning occurs when you have succeeded in having only pleasant
memories of your pet.
Reality: It is rare that anyone ever
achieves complete resolution or closure to a profound loss. One is left with
psychological scars, if not with incompletely healed wounds. It is unrealistic
to expect that you will one day be left with only pleasant memories. Besides,
being left with only pleasant memories is one-sided and doesn't present a
balanced view of reality - not a goal that would be healthy or valuable to
pursue. One cannot fully appreciate pleasant memories unless one has unpleasant
memories to contrast them with.


Myth: It is selfish to euthanize your pet.

Reality: Euthanasia is a compassionate and humane way to
end the intense suffering or declining quality of life of a companion animal.
Viewed in this context, it would be selfish to unnecessarily prolong the
suffering of a seriously ill or injured animal. Ask yourself this: Whose needs
and best interests are being served - those of the owner or animal companion?


Myth: In journeying through the bereavement process mourners
go through five predictable step-by-step stages: denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance.
Reality: Thirty-three years ago
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross presented her theory on how people who are dying cope with
their upcoming deaths in her pioneering book, On Death and Dying.
Neither the research literature nor the observations of therapists and scholars
have supported her claims. It is more accurate to speak of the mourning process
as being unique for each individual. This process proceeds through three general
phases - beginning, middle, and end.


Myth: The best way to cope with unpleasant loss related
feelings and thoughts is to suppress and bury them. Keep busy so as to not dwell
on your troubles.
Reality: Upsetting feelings and thoughts
will not just go away. They will, instead, go underground (become unconscious)
and later return - causing you problems. Achieve a balance by thinking and
talking about what is upsetting you when you are able, but avoid overdoing it.
Know your limits.


Myth: When a person starts talking with sadness about
missing his/her pet it is best to redirect their attention to pleasant memories
they have about the pet.
Reality: This may be an example
where the listener has good intentions but will produce bad effects by his/her
response. People who talk about their unpleasant feelings are looking for a
receptive ear. Redirecting the conversation or changing the subject reflects the
discomfort of the listener rather than the needs of the mourner.


Myth: Time heals all wounds. Just give it enough time and
you will no longer feel so bad.
Reality: Time by itself
does not heal the pain of grief related loss. It's what you do with your time
that matters. Some people suffer the harsh or even traumatic effects of pet loss
for years, or even a lifetime. A successful course of mourning requires
intentional hard work.


Myth: The best way to protect yourself from the pain of pet
loss is to not get another pet.
Reality: Depriving yourself
of an animal companion is a very high price to pay to help insure yourself
against experiencing another painful loss. Instead, you may wish to summon up
the courage to put in the effort necessary to work through your mourning related
psychological issues. Despite your pains of loss you can still look forward to
one day sharing happiness, pleasure, and joy, with a new and unique animal
companion. It is an unfortunate fact that one of the prices we pay for loving so
deeply is to suffer deeply when the bonds with our cherished animal friends are
broken.


Myth: Children handle pet loss rather easily. That which
occurs in childhood has little carryover into adult life.

Reality: Just because children do not react as overtly as
adults, or communicate directly with words, does not mean they aren't
experiencing strong reactions inside. Not infrequently, the loss of a pet
(whether by death or another cause) is the first significant loss the child will
have experienced. The profound effects of this loss, and how parents or other
caregivers handle it, might reverberate in the child for many years to come.


Myth: It is best to protect children from the upsetting
truth of what has happened to their pet.
Reality: Some
parents/caregivers think they are helping their child - sparing them pain - when
they do not tell him or her that their pet has died. They sometimes make up a
story that they gave the pet away or that the pet ran away. What the parents
don't realize in doing this is that through their well intentioned lies and
deceits they are undermining the trust their child has in them, and
paradoxically, causing the child much more pain in the long run. Some children,
for example, will unfairly blame themselves for their pet "running away."


Myth: Pets don't mourn for other pets.

Reality: Some companion animals develop strong bonds with
other pets in the household and they will show some of the same kinds of
symptoms of mourning as people do - such as loss of appetite, "searching" for
the missed loved one, and acting depressed.


Myth: Pet loss is something you should be able to "get over"
on your own. There is no need for someone to see a professional pet loss
counselor in order to deal with this.
Reality: Some people
have a self-interested need for you to "get over" your pet related mourning as
soon as possible, before you are ready to do so. They feel uncomfortable with
your distress. If, for example, you broke an arm you would go to a physician to
get help. So why wouldn't you see a human-animal bond specialist to get help for
a broken heart? This can be seen as an investment in your mental health and
peace of mind.


Overcoming these myths can be difficult - for maintaining these beliefs does
have some advantages. But those who don't work through their feelings and
reactions about mourning are likely to experience a variety of physical,
intellectual, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual symptoms later. It's very
hard to learn new and healthier ways of feeling, thinking, and behaving, but the
many benefits are worth the effort.



--------------------




click map


Visit Our Website

Support This Site

Pet Loss Blog

Pet Loss Books







While all people here help each other, there are
times where an advanced degree of help may be needed.

If at any time you feel overwhelmed or consumed
by grief, it is always best to seek professional help.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

Closed TopicStart new topic

 



Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 28th March 2024 - 08:46 PM