My Best Friend Options

[Ginger4ever]

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. Many people will say that, after having a bad day at work/school, but it was true. It was horrible enough for the past weeks to have seen my hamster and best friend Ginger suffer, but yesterday it ended. Ginger hadn’t been doing well for a long time. She was bleeding, blind, deaf and, overall, old. However yesterday, she was paralyzed from waist down, and I knew she was in pain. I was the one who asked for my mom to take me to the vet’s to have her put down. Usually, a parent will say either “Sweetie, we think it’s best if you put him down,” or “Honey, do you want to put her down?” but no. Not with me. I was the one who asked my mom. And I’m just a kid, I’m only 11 years old. I don’t want to be the mature one. I wanted comforting, for my mom to tell me it’ll be okay, but in about two hours, we came home from the vet’s with a dead hamster to burry in the backyard. I know people here know what it’s like, but it just hurts so much. I miss Ginger. She was my best friend.

[JanEeee]

Wow, that was a sad story. So very difficult when the years of fun and playing and laughing turn into a time of caring for an ailing and aging friend. So hard to greet them everyday knowing they are not well and in discomfort. So hard to see them in pain. I know I felt helpless when my kitty, Mr X, was sick. I'm the pet care-person, I'm supposed to take care of everything and make everything better. And then, sometimes you can't.

Yeah, maturity and loss, those two things do not match up too well. Nor does logic and grieving, and we live in an oh-so-logical world. We have very limiting ideas about putting our feelings in a little box on the shelf somewhere so that no one else will see us as we feel that heart-stabbing pain of the loss of our dear sweet friend.

I'm quite a bit older than you are; when I was your age I also had to be the "mature one" or the "parent" in my family. Sometimes the world seems upside-down and those we should be able to count on just aren't really there for us. I am so glad that you found this group. There is lots of support here and you, in your turn, will also find that you will want to reach out to others yourself.

Please keep writing, tell us how you are doing and we will be here, to listen, to share our own stories, and to be your companion through this very unhappy time.

J

[ceaserthings]

I am very sorry for your loss...your hamster is in Heaven and he will be visiting you!!
I think you are very brave and it is great thing that as young as you are to really be aware of feelings and that you have a meaningful bond.
I am very very sorry ! I just lost my dog not so long ago....and I am still sad over it.
Hang in there!!!

Lot's of hugs!!!

[petmum]

I am so sorry for your loss.
It is the pits having to be the grown up, I am a grown up & after having gone thru what you have only 25days ago with my dog Buddy, I am just so impressed with the way you have expressed yourself. It takes courage & a certain affinity with animals to feel like you do. {{{HUGS}}} to you, there are no words to help the pain you are feeling, cos if there was I would be taking them! You are so right to come here & express your grief however it goes for you. We all care that you are grieving, I care that you are grieving, come & post here often, this site got me thru something that I thought I wld never deal with, but I have....the first few days are the absolute pits!!! my now famous catch cry ... BREATHE OUT! BREATHE IN! I had to remind myself to breath as the pain in my chest was so crushing....I was holding my breathe & tensing my shoulders (all natural reactions to stress & grief).....come back here & share with us if you can....
elaine

[patricia]

im so sorry for what youre going thru. im a lot older than eleven but i sure remember when i was that young. i too had hamsters. i remember i had the circus habitrail cage. and i loved my hamsters. they were so sweet and soft and they loved to be held. its so hard when they leave us isnt it? we miss them like crazy. its ok to be upset and to cry a lot/ after all she was your best friend. you did the right thing. you are very wise. out of love we must sometimes send our pets to heaven earlier than we'd like but then we know they are no longer in any pain. ginger is in heaven now running around with friends. i hope she has met my old hamsters french and fry. she will be looking down and taking care of you because i believe they turn into little angels. when you are upset, maybe you can tell us about it. we are here to listen to you and we understand.
patricia

[lynette]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know just how you are feeling. I remember the day I lost my first dog. I was 13 and it was my first experience with death and this was 29 years ago in a time - long, long ago - when people didn't accept pet death the way they do today. Back then, all I heard was "she was just a dog". She wasn't just a dog to me, we grew up together - we were the same age and I got her when I was 2.

I'm glad you have access to this website - we never had such things when I was a kid and this would have been such a wonderful thing to have.

Some people just don't understand the bond that some of us develop with our beloved pets. They are missing out on so much.

Come back here any time you wish to talk - there are very many wonderful people here who will listen and offer advice. I found this site back in March when I had to make that same awful decision that you've just made. I had to let my Hunny go - she was sick with cancer. Losing a loved one is hard at any age, but I know how hard and how lonely it can be when you're so young. Parents are sometimes just so busy with their own lives, they forget how we feel or maybe they never had pets when they were kids so they don't understand.

Don't be ashamed to cry. It's a natural part of the healing. It will get easier - I promise. I can't tell you when, but it will - you just have to take it day by day.

Maybe you could start a little memorial journal for your hamster - my daughter and I did that when we lost Hunny - I think it helped my daughter get through her pain.

Anyway, I'll be thinking of you. Come back anytime you need to.

Take care.

Lynette.

[Ginger4ever]

The worst part is - I'm not even sure if I have any pictures of her. I didn't want to take any of her while she was sick. I couldn't remember her like that. And it just feels so horrible. I wish that I would wake up any minute, jump out of bed to my dresser, and see on the top her cage, where's she running on top of her wheel. I'd repeat to myself. 'It's just a dream. It's just a dream. Not real. She's okay." But it's not a dream. It's not okay. I'm not going to wake up, and she'd be there, because she's gone.

[petmum]

I know exactly how you feel, and you are right it's not okay. I just wanted to scream this is all wrong, oh the waking up & facing another day of realising the loss, that just so SUCKED!!!!!!
Don't fret over whether you hve pics or not, what matters now is being kind & gentle to yourself, I do understand the importance of hving pics of our fur companions, If u dont hve any perhaps the lesson is nxt time take a pic straight away, maybe that's what Ginger wants you to now. Our fur companions teach us so much but not how we are used to learning.
Go gently
elaine

[lynette]

Yes, don't worry about not having pictures. I know it's hard, I've searched all over my house for pictures of Lily and could only find a few. But I definitely made sure I had lots of Hunny, even though she was sick, which I didn't want to use later anyway. I don't think she would have wanted me to remember her that way. She's in your mind's eye. Every time you close your eyes you can see her. If you don't see her, don't panic, you will. I think sometimes we try too hard and that makes it harder to find them in our memory, but they are there.

Hang in there.

Thinking of you.

Lynette.

[Jay T]

im so very sorry ,its not easy when out pets pass ,i remember when i was little i had a parakeet and we brang him to the vets to try to get him help when he was ill ,and they told me they had to put him asleep and i wasent ready for that and had to say goodbye to him there ,it was so hard ,i hope that you start to feel even a little better and know that your hamster is in a better place now ,feel better and be well

[patricia]

i hope that you have a better day today. i had an idea that might make you feel better, even if its just a little. i remember when my kitty fred went to heaven, i was so distraught because i too wasnt sure i had pictures of him. i was lucky and found some. they are all over the house now. and they make me very happy to see him. maybe if you dont have pictures, you can draw them. i am a designer and am lucky i can "draw" at work. drawing always makes me feel better. i do it even when im not at work. try drawing little pictures of your ginger in her favorite spots, like the wheel and maybe you can draw yourself when you used to hold ginger and you can put them in frames or a little scrap book. and when you are feeling sad and you especially miss ginger you can look at your pictures. another thing i do when i miss fred is i stand still and i shut my eyes really tight and then, there he is, in my mind. whatever you choose to do, ginger will always be in your heart. you will never forget her even if youre afraid you will. i promise that you wont.

patricia

[petmum]

beautiful words patricia, give it a go, it might help, try everything & anything (within reason of course) to see if it brings even a moment of respite, it's worth those few seconds @ the very beginning of your loss.
elaine

[Ginger4ever]

Thanks.

It has been exactly one month and nine days since Ginger was put down. Some days I find myself happy, distracted by something else. But I also still find myself curled up on a ball on my floor. I still find myself crying, silently so no one knows. I still find myself wanting to scream when I look down at Ginger's grave. Whenever someone mentions the word hamster, I fight back tears. Or when I had a sleepover with two of my friends, and I forced one of them to try coke, and she said, "Ugh, it taste's like Ginger." And I nearly fainted. It just doesn't seem to get easier. Everything I read says:

Stage 1 – Denial, shock and numbness
Stage 2 – Anger
Stage 3 – Bargaining
Stage 4 – Depression
Stage 5 - Acceptance

But it seems I'm stuck on stage 4. I never feel like I'll ever have that part of my heart back. Just yesterday, I couldn't get the picture of the vet coming back in the room with a little towel out of my head, and I cried for a good hour, on my ground. I don't feel like I can talk to my family about this. I don't know why, but maybe it's because they always say the same things. My mom will say "I know. She was such as good hamser and we'll miss her." and my dad will say, "I know. But it's nice that you have good memories and can go talk to her." It just feels like I want to...I don't know. Just go curl up and die or something. It never seems to get easier. Because whatever I hear, say, or think, somehow relates back to Ginger, and I can't help but cry. And I'm not saying I want to get over her, but I just want her back. And the worst part is - I don't even want this all to be one bad nightmare, because I'd have to live through it again.

[petmum]

Ginger4ever 1month & 9 days is still so early in this whole grief process. There is no time limit on any of these stages you have so wisely stated. Your feelings you hve shared here are all so normal. If you read thru some of the other posts (if you can, you maynot be ready to do that yet, & that's ok) you will read that lot's of us have experienced the same thing as you. It's worth reading to help you know that it is normal to feel like this. I know none of my words here will ease your pain, perhaps you cld start a bit of a diary (either on this site or in private @ hme) & write to your lovely Ginger telling her how much you love her & miss her. You cld write what ever you want in there (or on here).....write poems....there are lots of poems from ppl of every age on this site. I really do understand how you feel. It doesn't matter how big or how small our companions are or were, they sure leave a big hole in our hearts & lives when they have gone. Don't be cranky @ yourself for feeling how you do, it is ok, It's hard to let yourself feel like you do when those whom we look to for comfort seem to be a little bit 'dissmissive' or sadly downright 'against' our sadness, often it can be a parent not knowing how to help their child in a way that they can understand. perhaps some parents were told as kids 'get over it'....'it was only a...'. As long as you don't bottle up all this sadness....that's not a healthy thing long term. Thats why writing & sharing what you are going thru (like you are doing here, perhaps more often if you can) will help get 'out' the sador weird feelings you hve. If you can share your sorrow with those who understand I know it will help, even though right now I'm sure you are convinced that it wont help.
I remember just wanting to scream @ ppl in the streets after my "Buddy" died "how dare you laugh!!!!! don't you know my best friend is dead!!!!!! don't you care!!!!! well you should you know!!!!! & I'm an adult & a mum to 3 kids.......I didn't do it, but boy I sure wanted to.
Go Gently & come back & tell us how u r going.
{{{HUGS}}} to you from across the world
elaine xx

[lynette]

Hi Ginger4ever.

It's been a while since you were on here - I've been watching for you. Glad you're back.

I know it's hard - but it will get easier. I can't tell you when, but it will - it honestly just takes time.

I lost Lily last year in June and there are times when a wave of saddness crashes over me. It still hurts. But those moments are getting fewer and farther between. Sometimes, I can talk about her without tears flooding my eyes.

Just go with the flow. Let the tears fall. Parents don't always know what to say. My parents are the same - infact my dad said a few really mean things when I lost Hunny this April. I'm not saying that they are mean, sometimes, they just don't think before they open their mouths. And believe me when I say that it is extremely hard to watch a child hurt. I watched my 13-year-old daughter deal with the loss of Hunny and Lily. It is really difficult trust me. I found it hard to know what to say. When a person is hurting so much - sometimes there are no words to ease their pain. Sometimes, we just don't hear what people are saying either because we are so wrapped up in pain and anguish.

Your parents sound like nice people. I think they understand your pain.

Just be patient with yourself. I know it hurts. We're all here for you.

All I could do for my daughter was hug her, I wish I could do that for you.

Take care.

Lynette.

[Ginger4ever]

First off, I just really wanted to thank petmum and Lynette for watching and caring about me. It means a lot. Thank you.

Anyways...I still find it so hard. I'm scared to go back to school, that I'll break down thinking about Ginger. I already did before, when my friend was talking about how she was babysitting this girl with a little brown and white hamster. I'm just still feeling the 'curling up and dying seems like the best option' feeling. My friends try to cheer me up, but it seems whenever they do it hurts more. And I really don't know what to do.

[petmum]

Dear ginger4ever let the hurt wash over & thru you. don't resist it. Resisting the pain (which is an instictual theing we all do) is the key here. Even though you may not feel it, this sadness, this loss, this pain you keep feeling will not kill you. I know it feels like it will (& believe you me all of us on this site have experienced this intense pain that you are experiencing & @ first most of us resisted this too). The less resistance you put up the easier & oh so very slowly you will begin to process all these feelings that make up this word "grief". There's so many different ways to process these feelings, coming here like you are doing, making a scrap book about your Ginger (tho I still cant bring myself to do this for my Buddy who has been gone since June 10 this year), write a letter to Ginger, make something anything. There are no hard & fast rules on what to do but there is a heap of information on this site....even though you cant read it now or hve read everthing....keep doing it....& you will find that sosmething will suddenly reach in to your heart & help you.
you are in my prayers
{{{HUGS}}}
elaine

[Ginger4ever]

I'm really worried about school starting for me soon. After all, I'm not a little kid, but I'm scared that someone will bring up a hamster or something and I'll start crying. Literally, the second Ginger comes to my mind I either start crying or am fighting tears. Right now, for example. I'm not even bothering to fight lately. It doesn't seem to do any good. But my natural instinct is to force away the pain, but I dont even care anymore. It seems I'm on a tie of 'stages' 2 and 4. It seems I'll never get to stage 5. And another thought that puts a hole in my chest is I have two other pets, two dogs. And I think of how hard THAT will be, and I start crying again. I'm a mess. It doesn't do any good to talk to anyone. Even if I wanted to, all I'd do was cry. There's nothing I could do to make this better. All I want...all I want is to have her back. I wish I was a little kid again, when crying was okay. I wish I could sned a letter to 'Santa' asking for Ginger back, or at least for a new hamster, but I can't do that. I'm supposed to be mature now, that's the way I was raised, going through things alone while my parents had to focus on my older sister. But I just wish I wasn't. I wish I was a normal 11 year old. I wish Ginger would come back.

[petmum]

you are a very normal 11yr old & I'm glad you have come to this site to be with us.
I've made it through loosing my Buddy & I've survived, I don't think it's because I'm older than you, it's because I allowed myself to grieve just like you are doing.
elaine

[magdalene]

Ginger, honey, you are normal. You lost your best friend. You're grieving. It takes a long, long time.

Here's a thing about those stages of grief. It's not like we finish with one and then go on to the next and we're all done forever with the first one. It's more like those are all parts of grief. We can move in and out of them. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm depressed. Then sometimes I'm angry again. And sometimes I do think I have accepted it, but then I get angry and depressed all over again.

I wish I could tell you an easy way to do this, but it's not easy. It's really, really hard. But it's hard because you loved her so much, you know? And because she loved you. And most of the time, I believe that's worth the pain. I mean, I wouldn't want to have loved my kitty any less. I wouldn't want her to have loved me any less.

Magdalene