Afterwards . . . You Know, When The Guilt Kicks In . . .

so i spent a week making the decision on whether or not to euthanize my jake. back and forth, back and forth and just when i thought everything was going to be ok, everything changed and i had to go ahead and do it.

now i am spending the days thinking quietly to myself, could i have done something to extend having to make this decision? did i do enough? did i give him every chance possible? could i have done more?

jake had many health issues that we knew about, god only knows about the ones we didnt. i dont think though that he was actually 'sick' in that he was not eating or in pain because just last weekend i tried to play a little with him and he was more than willing, he also had a humongous appetite and loved to eat. Why he started peeing everywhere, i can only attribute to dementia and i am not quite sure i feel that this was a good enough reason to go ahead with it. Because of his kidney disease however, his urine smelled exceptionally bad and even the best urine deodorizers were just not helping. i hate that this was the contributing factor in my decision, in fact, its making me sick actually. we just got new furniture and carpet and after twice on the sofa, once on the chair, and twice on the carpet, i had to consider this was just not going to get any better and i could not allow this to keep happening.

still, its making me sick. the stress of this whole week came to be too much for me to bear last night and my body just couldnt handle it, i became physically sick and actually a little worried that this was happening to me.

i just cannot get past the fact that he was not gravely ill because lets be honest here, when that is the contributing factor there is no thinking about - you never want your pet to suffer.

so, was he suffering with dementia, or just forgetting where to pee? is dementia an actual health issue?

this is driving me crazy because if any pet deserved a second chance it was jake. i never wanted to be that person whose first option when a pet misbehaves is to run out and euthanize or bring them to the pound. i keep telling myself i gave him 18 months he probably never would have had had i not adopted him but that isnt working. the guilt is here, and i am afraid the guilt is here to stay for a while.

Saying Goodbye To Jake

jake came into our home about 18 months ago. he was already a senior catizen at approx. 12 years. he had had a rough life, missing one eye (we think dogs attacked him and the shelter decided it was best to remove it) and had been living in a garage for god knows how long. he also suffered from kidney disfunction. I knew we would have limited time with him and i wanted to give him what should have been his all along . . . a loving family and a warm and safe home with endless amounts of food.

i did not know i would become so attached and fall so in love with a kitty i knew would only be with us a short time. but i did.

everything was fine, he could do no wrong. he slept 23 hours a day and never caused a problem. didnt fight with the other cats, used the litter box and had favorite spots for his naps all over the house, up until a month or so ago. then it changed.


we have decided it is his time now for euthanasia, and i will tell you it is heartbreaking. i am wishing beyond everything possible that somehow we could find a way out of this, but we can't. there is no miracle cure, no last minute treatment and it is breaking my heart. dementia has begun to settle in and i know its only going to get worse. he has already begun to forget to use the litter box and has peed all over the furniture several times and the carpet as well. i cannot tell you how much i hate the fact that this has to be the deciding factor but with other animals in the house, i can't have my house turn into a giant litter box. i spoke to my vet and she said something that put me a little more at ease, she said that while we have to consider the quality of life for the pet, we must also consider the quality of life for the owners as well. plesae dont think i am trying to take the easy way out, my heart is broken and i just do not know what else to do.

his appointment is tomorrow evening and i am sick to my stomach already with grief.

what is worse is that it is this week, one year ago, that i lost my dear pablo so i am dealing with a lot.