The Time Is Finally Here!

well, its been 3 months to the day since i lost my pablo, i tried to get a puppy a while back but it was WAY too soon. i was desperate for that bonding and love you get from a dog and i missed it terribly, but i rushed it and had to return the puppy the next day.

but i know i am ready now! its been tough getting through the holidays without pablo at my side but i managed, i got through them and while i miss him terribly, i know he will live in my heart forever.

i pick up the new puppy tomorrow at noon and i am pretty much counting the time by the minute! i am extremely excited and feel like a little kid at christmas!

i havent had a puppy in a very long time so i picked up cesar milan's puppy training book and have been devouring it.

i will post pics when they are ready!

When The Depression Sets In.

while my husband has apparently moved on and is only thinking about the good times we had with pablo, the depression has now set in with me. the reality of him being gone has been accepted, but i still spend about 80% of the day thinking about him. the sadness is still so intense that i'm starting to feel a little afraid of how intense it still is to me, 5 weeks on. My husband got home late last night and i had fallen asleep on the sofa, he woke me up and i just started crying, he looked at me and asked if i maybe should go see someone about this.

i tried to tell him that i dont think i am the only one who has ever grieved so deeply over a dog, but he just looked at me, sorta weird like.

there are times the cats make me smile and laugh and i do engage in conversations with people and its not like i am walking around boo hooing all day long, but the sadness is intense and i have to admit, its scaring me. i dont want to feel like this forever, yet i can't seem to kick it.

i tried getting another puppy, hoping it would take my mind off of it, but that was a big mistake and the puppy had to be returned.

i just feel so damn sad. i burst out into tears, quick little crying jags several times a day. i walk around just feeling so freaking depressed.

there are still instances where i think i will take pablo with me when i go here or there, then i remember he is not with me anymore and the pain just sets in again, and its intense.

to say this has been difficult is an understatement. i know that time heals all wounds and mends the heart, i'm ready for that now. i dont want to continue to feel sad, yet it doesn't seem to be leaving any time soon!

Blackbird (for Pablo)

BLACKBIRD

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

--Beatles



Fly away my little pooh bear, we will be together again some day.
always remember, your mommy loves you very very much!

The 'last' Vet Visit . . .

i think what i have always thought about and dreaded, but thankfully kept in the back of my mind, is that last 'vet trip' you have to make with your baby. sometimes you feel better about it because you know your pet is suffering, but still, packing them up and getting in the car can be devastating enough.

i was somewhat lucky (if that is even a term that should be used in a case like this) in that my vet has a practice that allows a home visit for this very devastating occasion.

as horrible as this was, it was more soothing for me and less stressful for pablo, to be at home when the end came. he was laying on the couch which he so dearly loved to do and it was our home environment, with the t.v. on in the background like it ALWAYS IS, so it was kept as normal as possible.

i do not think i could have dealt with being in the vet's office and knowing how terrified pablo was of that place and putting him through that and ii just wish that more vets would considering doing this - i know its probably expensive but i think that considering the circumstances, if its something that is doable, then they should consider it, or at least offer the names of a service that will. i know that some mobile vets do this.

just something i was thinking about . . . .

Trying To Get Over Pablo

hi everyone,

on Sunday, October 2, my world changed. everything was fine, in fact, i was actually finally happy with my life - business was going good, i got new furniture over the summer and i was getting ready to spend another winter at home with pablo.

then something bizarre happened and we had to take pablo to the vet on an emergency call. i wont go into a lot of detail in this post, but he ended up getting a few pain injections and we brought him home and since this had happened a few times in the past, i knew it would take at least another day before he was back to normal.

so comes tuesday and he is fine once again, same ole pablo, barking at everything and everyone.

wednesday morning at 5:30 we are awakened by his pain yelps. that morning i take him to the vet once again. he is given an injection for pain relief and i might add, that i was not even asked, it was just given to him.

i took him home and he acted very strange for the rest of the day. he stood there, staring at me almost all day long. he would not lay down, he would not sit down and he threw up his breakfast at around noon.

thus began the battle.

nothing ever went right after that. after many more trips to the vet and a few day time stays to get hydrated, finally on sunday, they delivered the news to me, rather abruptly i might add, that pablo was suffering from liver failure and that he more than likely had tumors or cancer of the liver and that it was a battle he more than likely would not win, especially since he was a diabetic and had not eaten or had any insulin since wednesday.

i cannot tell you how the shock of the news hit me because i dont want to remember it all i know and remember is that i felt like my world had just died.

i knew that i was going to have to make the decision of whether or not to send him to the big vet college that has all the big mri machines, etc and get a bunch of tests done to him and see what the verdict might be - i knew in my heart that he was too weak to make it that far, i thought about prolonging the inevitable at least a few more days so i could spend them with him, but by sunday night, i knew he was in pain and i knew that it would have to be monday morning, first thing.

i was exhausted, i had spent almost every night for the past week up all night with him - it was gruelling and sad, but i was his mommy after all so i had to be there for him and i wouldnt want it any other way.

i held him and hugged him and talked to him, but i knew he was in so much pain that it probably wasnt registering with him or maybe it was. we had a bond and i know he was leaving it up to me to take care of him.

when it was time to say good bye monday morning i was ok with it at first becasue i knew he was suffering. afterwards, i wrapped him up but kept his head out so i could stroke and kiss it and bury my nose in his fur one last time.

my husband dug his grave after i chose the spot. then when i was ready i wrapped him and carried him out and laid him to rest.

it was one week before i could really go bak out there and at two weeks, i went and finally planted the rose bushes and set up the bird bath i had selected for his grave.

its now been over two weeks and every day i think it will get better, its not. i am in pain and i am lonely. you see, pablo was my world and as lame as that may sound to some people, i loved it. i am alone at home most of the time and he was my buddy for 11 years and he was everything to me.

there have been days where i have felt that if i was dealt with a medical diagnosis telling me i only had a short time to live, i would be fine with that because that meant i would be reunited with my pablo again. i'm not sure that is a very healthy thought....

i miss our routines. i miss how he greeted me every time i came home.

but most of all, i miss how much he loved me, because it was very apparent.

what i fear the most is his memory fading because lets face it, the pets we had years ago that have now gone, arent really that prevelant in our memories anymore are they? once you get another dog, they become part of your world and you love them so much and then slowly, the memory of the last dog starts to fade and i am so afraid of that happening that i dont think iw ill ever be able to have another dog...

i have cats, but they arent very much comfort... lol....

anyways, i'm just a mess. a big emotional mess right now. i'm glad a friend recommended this place, i hope talking about it with others who have lost will help.