Bowie...it's happened. I felt it happening those first two weeks and it finally happened...the fading feelings...your presence has faded. That feeling I had, that strong feeling of your presence in the days that followed is completely gone now. All my fighting to keep those feelings with me was for nothing. I feel alone. No one grieves for you with me, not even daddy. Life is just not fun, not right, not happy without you. I miss you so much!

Bowie, I love you.

It's the small things I miss...how I felt when we were together...that feeling of peace and happiness - that everything was right in the world. How you looked at me with those loving, trusting eyes. How you smelled, your sounds, your footfall, your presence. Your kisses. Your cuddles. Your sighs. Your moans. Your love.

I miss watching you...sleeping, dreaming, walking, going potty, scenting the air, sitting, lying down, being in the back yard, offering your paw, lying in your beds, curled up next to me on the sofa, sitting in the back seat, pointing birds and bunnies. I miss it all.

I miss
our "huggies" - when you'd press your forehead into me and we'd hug.
how you'd lean on me.
the way you'd scratch your eyes and face by smashing your head between my legs. And the eye boogers that you'd leave behind on me.
how your tail would go thump, thump, thump when I'd look at you.
watching you get comfortable.
watching you nurse harley hedgehog.
hearing your last groan every night after we turned out the lights and said goodnight.
covering you up with your blanket.
hearing you bark when the doorbell rang.
our walks.
how you'd miss the grass and pee on the sidewalk on our walks.
just sitting outside with you and watching your nose and ears twitch.
how you'd "ask" to come up on the sofa by laying your head on it and moving your eyes and cute eyebrows back and forth, waiting for the "okay". Then you'd run and get a toy and ask again. I loved that.
you being on me, on my lap.
how you'd check every grocery bag when I came home to see what I bought.
how you'd greet me every time I came home. How excited you were.
your wiggle butt. How you'd wag your whole body and tail, so fast.
your soft ears.
brushing your teeth.
rubbing your eyes for you. You loved that.
taking photos of you.
listening to you wake up in the morning - the stretch and yawn.
the way you'd adjust the way you were lying by pushing your extended front leg out just a tad, and shifting your weight on your hip.
feeding you.
how you'd fall to your side and melt while I rubbed or scratched you.
watching you drink. I loved watching you drink water.
watching you shake and end with that cute little hop.
how you'd burrow under the covers with us in bed.
how you'd follow me everywhere. I was always in your sights. I miss that.
those loving eyes.
all of your expressions.
training and competing in agility with you.
watching you explore the yard.
giving you the last bites of my food.
having fun with you.
taking care of you.

I miss calling for you.
I miss you coming to me.

I should have videoed an entire day - a typical day. How your ears would perk up and you'd get so excited when we got the butter out, or the whipped cream, or the half and half. How you'd walk - those front legs, when you were unsure or excited, when you'd wait for something, how they'd dance. Prance. I loved that. How you'd jump up on me and daddy while we were hugging, and we'd put our arms around you and hug you too.

It hurts to look in the backyard, or your bed and not see you there. To realize I'll never see you there again. I'll never feel that joy in seeing you creep out the back door, hoping for a bunny or squirrel to point.

It hurts to got to the mailbox and not have you follow me out the door.
It hurts to not have you come check on me when I'm in the shower.
It hurts when I wake up in the morning and realize you're gone. That your not going to leave your bed and join me in mine.
It hurts when I'm in the car and don't see you in the back seat, with your paws crossed over the front of the hammock. Never will I get to see that again. I don't even have a photo or video of it.
It hurts because I can't touch you, rub your eyes, your ears, scratch your legs, your chest.

I don't want to forget ANYTHING about you, Honey Butt! It's fading, though. And that scares me. I loved you so much! I NEVER would have wanted to let you go! I would give anything to have you back with me.

It's been 4 weeks. It feels like forever ago, though, and I HATE that!

I can't help but wonder if you thought we'd fix you again that night, like we had before, and bring you home afterwards. Did you think that? Did you hope for that? And were you frightened and confused when they took you back and kept you for all that time to put the catheter in? You looked like you were when they brought you back. Your eyes looked afraid. I'm SO, SO sorry, Bowie honey. I should have made them do it in the room so that we could have been with you, had more time with you.

Honey Butt...
Everyday, I ask you to come back to me.
Everyday, I wish this wasn't true.
Everyday, I tell you I miss you.
Everyday, I tell you I love you.

I miss your unconditional love, your presence, your joy to just BE with me.
I love you, Bowie. You were the best part of my life and I am lost without you.

Hi, Misha's Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing your heart-filled love letter to your beloved Bowie with us. When we are in deep grief it is hard to feel anything. In one sense we are numb from our deep grief, amid all the other myriad of emotions we are feeling - - and this is one of the reasons why - - for awhile - - it feels like our beloved companions have left us - - why we feel so totally empty - - and abandoned.

I promise you, Misha's Mommy, someday, when you least expect it, you WILL feel your beloved Bowie's sweet Living Spirit filling your heart again, and it will feel like a sweet embrace once again. Your beloved Bowie IS forever with you, for the love bond you share is ETERNAL. Yes, sadly, the physical connection you shared during his earthly journey is now transitioning to a different dimesnion, and the adjustment to this "new normal" just takes time. But I assure you that your beloved Bowie is forever a heartbeat close to you - - always and forever.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Misha's Mommy, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Misha's mommy

Your tribute to Bowie is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read.

Please, please believe me (and Moonbeam) that your adored Bowie's presence is still with you and will be until you meet again in the perfect World to come.

After I lost my chocolate lab gretta almost 6 months ago, I, too, for just a few days could feel something like what you call Bowie's presence. it hadn't been so many days and she WAS there to meet me at the door, she WAS doing the only trick weknew - who wants to lay on the floor? Like you, I hoped and tried to keep those Gretta-spirits with me. But, like you, they seemed to fade quickly - maybe weren't even really there.

Having to tell precious Bowie that no one grieves for him except you, not even his daddy just breaks my heart. People seem to experience things in different ways - so Bowie's dad must be someone who either buries his feelings or is somehow so in the present, that he doesn't seem to be grieving. Can I read between the lines and see that you are Bowie's best friend, mommie, and soul-mate? Maybe because you and Bowie were the specially bonded ones, you are the one who is grieving for him now.

Bowie lives on with you in all those things that bound him and continue to bind him to you even though you can't see him or hear him or touch him - just for a while. " ... the feeling of peace and happiness, that all is well in the world."

The hundred things you wrote about, all the things you miss, in all the detail - they'll never fade. You have them in your soul - they are burned into your heart forever. Keep your beautiful message ... and read it again and again ... whenever you feel that Bowie is "fading away" from you.

And on his last day, he was protected by the strongest and most powerful cocoon in the universe - a mother's love. Whatever happened on that day, Bowie was protected by the love of his mother. That conforted his heart. He trusted you and loved you and felt your love for him - so he was not afraid, he was not wondering, he was not confused - he was calm in the love of his mother.

Like you, I didn't take videos of Gretta. In fact, I didn't take a whole lot of pictures of her. But those that I do have, comfort me. Don't get me wrong - tears fall every day. My heart breaks a little again every day. I, too, would give anything - ANYTHING - if Gretta and me could be together just one more time. And then one more time, and one more .... no matter how many "more" moments we'd have, it would neve be enough.

Special love like your and Bowie's is rare, really rare. It's as if you're made of the same 'stuff" - you share a single soul. That's what they mean when people say "soul-mates." These extraordinary animals search for their other halves throughout the billions of people in the universe until they find THE ONE - the one who carries the other half of their soul. And they FIND us. And then they put themselves in our paths so that we will meet. And the instant overwhelming rush of love - the looking through the eyes into the heart and soul - tells both of us that we have found THE one. Loving one's spirit animal and being loved by him or her is a rare and precious experience. Although the physical part has temporarily disappeared, the love, the soul-sharing, the joy, the oneness .... it won't, it CANNOT disappear. These things are true on the level of the universe.

Dear Misha's mom ... yes, you are lost without half of yourself ... especially now at the beginning. Two things are absolutely true, though: that you and Bowie will once again become a single being when you pass into the Perfect World that he is now in. And that you and Bowie will NEVER, NEVER actually be separated - even in these grief-stricken, lost, lonely days.

Misha's mom - I grieve for Bowie. I grieve for him because it is so evident in your message to him that you one-two are that one in a billion true one-soul-mates. I remember those days right after Gretta had disappeared - how horrible they were - how all alone on earth I felt. I still feel that way although you manage to cope just a little - crying when people can't see you. But there is a Gretta-shaped hole in my heart - as there is a Bowie-shaped hole in yours - that will only be filled when we are reunited. And, please believe with me - we WILL be reunited.

Please get some rest tonight Misha's mom. And here's a little strength I'd like to give you - just so you can make it one more day here on this side - and one less day until you and Bowie are together again - forever.

In grief and love,

Your new friend, Gretta's mom

Thank you Gretta's Mom.

Yes, I'm Bowie's mommy. Misha's mommy, too. But I lost both of them in August. I'd been anticipatory grieving Misha's loss for awhile, about 2 years. Bowie was somewhat sudden...I got six weeks with him after I learned he could pass at anytime. The adjustment to life without any companions has been really hard for me. I'm not really adjusting. I'm stuck. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm without purpose.

Yes, I believe he was my heart dog. He was my baby. I loved him so much.

Your words all rang true for me. I appreciate them and I appreciate you. Thank you.

And I'm so sorry about Gretta. She sounds like a special girl.

misha's mommy

I hope to some day feel Bowie again. It's the physical loss that hurts so much right now. Thank you, Moonbeam, for your kind words.

This week, I've felt very blah. Not sure what it is, where it's from. There's some hopelessness, some hopefulness, some fear, some longing, some anger, a lot of sadness, but not a ton of crying. I do weep for them everyday, but it doesn't last as long. I'm tired, I think. I don't like my life right now.

misha's mommy

Dear Misha's mom

You're right ... life right now is pretty horrible for you. I call it the 'shock and awe' time. No two thoughts fit together. One hurt gives rise to another. It's pretty much hades on earth. Sometimes all you can do is breathe out after you breathe in. After a while, this, too will pass, as they say. For me, I went into the 'robot walk' time. You know, just doing all the life 'stuff' you have to do to get through every day - but really not present. Wrapped in sadness and frustrated anger. Never is SO long.But it's not true. Our best friends have gone before us into the Perfect World to come. One day we WILL join them there never to be separated. It seems like an eternity before this will happen - and an ocean of tears. Mine still flow every time I post here - even though my Gretta's six-month angel-versary is coming up in five days.

Rest in the love of your Misha dog who is still with you in all the ways she was when you could see her. You gave her the universe's greatest gift - a mother's love - which, though she passed through this earthly life - protects her forever from all hurt, harm and danger.

Blessings to you today. (I think I hear Gretta telling me to tell you that Misha says hi and is OK.)

Gretta's mom

Misha's Mommy, so many things on your list sound just like my Ginger, even down to the wiggle butt! (which actually was one of her nick names, lol) Writing down these little details means you won't ever forget them, or her. I need to do this too. Thank you.