I found this site last week and I have to say that it was definitely what got me through the week. My beautiful 3-year-old Labradoodle was hit by a car and killed two weeks ago. It was due to a series of unusual events that has left me questioning everything. I know in reading the forum that this is normal in the grieving process but truthfully there is nothing to justify taking my Bailey from me. The first week I went through the motions only because I had to. Bailey came to me while I was going through the tragedy of losing my husband suddenly. She helped me through the loss of two wonderful dogs in 2008 and 2009 and now she's suddenly gone. I lost my dad in June and she was my support then. I am so heartbroken. I feel like I'm being punished but I can't figure out for what. I'm going through the guilt of not being there when she was running loose and then wondering if she died suddenly or suffered after being hit. I am so angry today and don't know how to handle it. I live by myself so that doesn't help. Please...someone help me through this.

Dear Sandyp

I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your dear Bailey. Please know that I am sending prayers and my thoughts are with you at this saddest of times. Please let us know how you are, when you feel able. I am in 'chat' right now if you need someone to talk to. I will wait there for another 15 minutes.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Hi, Sandyp, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your precious Bailey. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a beloved companion to a tragic event is even more heartbreaking.

I can so relate to your precious Bailey being there for you with all the sad changes in your life. And then losing her can leave a person to wonder "what have I done to deserve this." I have been there also, and the only one who can bring comfort and solace to a breaking heart- - who can make things right again in spite of all the pain and discouragement and grief - - is with the angels.

Unfortunately, Sandyp, there is no easy way through this grief journey, and unfortunately guilt and anger are a part of the many different emotions that are a part of this horrific roller coaster ride. I am so glad you have found this forum, Sandyp, for you are among friends here who do understand the deepest grief that is piercing your heart. This grief journey is not one of "getting over" a loss, for how can we ever "get over" the precious life we have shared with our beloved companions? The more appropriate goal of this grief journey is "adjusting" to the physical absence - - which is very difficult to say the least - - both physically and emotionally.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey, Sandyp. We are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, and you need not be afraid or feel ashamed of expressing your emotions here - - for they are honest emotions from your heart that is having to bear one of the most difficult burdens you will ever know on this side of eternity - - the physical loss of your beloved Bailey.

Sandyp, right now there are no adequate words than can ever come close to comforting the deep seering grief that is in your heart. I wish there were - - for I would certainly say them to you in the hope that it would miraculously make everything right for you, and for all the other wonderful people on this forum. The only thing I can offer you is my sincerest friendship and comfort and support and encouragement and - - hope - - to let you know that one day, - - yes when you least expect it - - this deep seering pain that is in your heart right now will be replaced with the wonderful memories you have with your precious Bailey - - and the warmth of her sweet Living Spirit which is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do.

Sandyp, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how you're doing. Perhaps sometime you will post a picture of your precious Bailey here, and someday - - share with us your wonderful memories.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh, I am so very sorry to hear your story....please try not to be too hard on yourself...you have so much on your plate.I lost my beautiful Mozart on Wed after 16 years and I've done nothing but cry for days......he was my rock.....I've been fighting stage4 prostate cancer for years,plus a number of other serious health problems...Mozie got me thru and gave me a reason to fight on...I have 2 other dogs that I love but neither holds a candle to Mozie...I feel so discouraged...life isn't much fun right now, but the human spirit is so strong that in time ,we can rise above and live to see another day.I know it is a dark time for you , life can so cruel. I often wonder why. Do something kind for yourself or even better for someone else who needs help,do it in memory of your Bailey.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful words of kindness that you offered yesterday. I actually was doing fairly well last week until yesterday - two weeks to the day I lost Bailey. It was like I was living that day all over again. I've learned with the losses I've encountered that you have to take one day at a time. However, there are so many steps backwards in the process. I do feel like Bailey guided me to this site knowing that I would get the support of others who know exactly what I'm going through. I extend my gratitude and love to you!

Sandyp-
I have not written on this forum in months, but was struck when I saw your post, and actually I read very few of them these days. Firstly, I am soooo absolutely sorry about what has happened. I know that words cannot even begin to penetrate the depth of pain that you are feeling at this time. Gosh, you have been through so much and I am sure that the world seems so cruel and appears to be a place to be feared. I can so relate to you. I too had bad thing after bad thing continue to happen to me for about 6 months straight. It was as if things couldnt get any worse, and then they did. When I was at my all time low, my 15.5 yr old soul companion-favorite dog/person/entity in the whole world passed on. I literally felt like I died on that day. It was 4 months ago and I can still barely even bring my memory back to that time...it is still so painful. Trust me, I understand all of the tragedies...and in the midst of the tragedies you still had your beloved animal to grasp onto and then even that is gone. It is so sucky. I wish there was something I could say to make your pain go away. It is so so very hard. Im not over it and dont think I ever will be.....but Im just trying to 'deal'. Its all that can be done at a time when you feel like 'Katrina' hit your life. Be amongst friends, people that can help to put a smile on your face, crack a joke, nurture and care for you. I too lived alone with my dog, was alone after a terrible break-up and felt soooo lonely. The situation has forced me to uproot my life and make a conscious effort to be around people all the time. Life is tough and Im so sorry that it has delivered so much pain to you at this time. The people on this forum are wonderful and I too am right there with you...just trying to deal with the 'aftermath' of it all. Be good to yourself sandyp....this is not your fault. I wish you some peace today.
Hugs,
Amy

Amy,

You are so right when you say " it was as if things couldn't get any worse and they did". I do have a true fear of the unknown right now. I was just coming to terms with my dad's death (family issues) and felt like I was able to move forward when Bailey was taken from me. I have always been the caregiver both in my personal life (I took care of my uncle for a year after he was diagnosed with alzheimers and have been the main caregiver - although I have a brother and sister - for both my mom and dad) and recently in my career choices ( victim advocate for families of murdered victims, social worker in a nursing home and currently substituting in special needs classes for the school district). In fact, the week Bailey was killed I had substituted in a kindergarten autistic class. My heart has always taken me in this direction. I have never expected to be rewarded for things that I truly enjoy doing but as I said in my original post, I do feel that I am being punished for something - I just don't know what. Or maybe I'm being tested - but why?

How do I move forward again? I want Bailey here with me and that's not going to happen. Her mom and brother live two houses down and she was given to me to take care of and I failed. I hate feeling this way because I know that things could get worse and that scares me. Wow, so many emotions and so much confusion.

Please know Amy that it means alot to me that you replied to my post. Four months since your loss is still so fresh. Take care and please stay in touch.

Sandy

Your story is so very sad, with circumstances so similar to my loss. My darling was the same age as yours and I lost him on the road too. We all feel the guilt, but we must realise we are only human and not perfect. Oh I saw the signs and should have kept him inside and not running free, but I learned the hard way, like we all do. I know you are in a lot of pain right now and you have my deepest sympathy. I understand what you say when you describe how your dog was always there for you when you most needed him. Sending love and hugs to you xx

madi xx

madi,

How are you doing now?

Sandy

Hi Sandy, at first I was so overwhelmed with grief that I couldn't think straight or function normally. If I had found this forum earlier, I might have avoided breaking down and having to take antidepressants. The people I have met here are the kindest people in the world and I love them all.
Your grief is still raw and so very painful Sandy and I understand how you are feeling right now, but you will get through this, I know you will and I am only too happy to help you. We lost our babies in such similar circumstances and I know how it is when they are here running around one minute and in flash they are just gone.
Anyway, to answer your question, I am doing really well now, I have a new adorable fur baby called Dexter and I adore him. It is uncanny how much he reminds me of my Ulriich, The main thing is he loves me and looks at me with adoring eyes just like Ulriich did and it is the best feeling in the world.
I would love to see a photo of your Bailey when you feel able to post one, I can imagine he would have been a beautifully natured dog with those two breeds in him. I will send you a short email via this forum too.

Hugs madi xx

Sandy,
I too went through the 'whys' of it all and how/why it could have happened the way it did. The answer I still came up with was 'I dont know.' I think one can drive themselves crazy asking why. Guilt is so much a part of all of this. Even though my baby passed away at 15yrs old, I still felt guilty and felt like I should have given him more attention, better food, more of my time, etc., and yet I was in so much drama right before his passing. That started to eat away at me. How could I have been so self-involved and missing out on the last few months of his life?! I know, we all wish we did something different or better. The fact is, its not your fault. You did the best you could-you were a good mom and Im sure you were the best mom your dog could have ever imagined.

I too am in the healing field and feel like I always give-give-give. Life felt like it just kept taking from me. After my life got shattered, I realized it was time to start giving to myself and allow myself to receive. There is no easy way....its baby steps. Im slowly rebuilding my life from the ground up, and trying to create a strong foundation. Im not the same. I know I never will be the same person again. It has been said that with trauma there is a neural pathway that is formed and with continued stress these pathways can become engrained in the brain, but there is a way to reorganize and heal. I felt like my neural network blew a fuse once my dog died. I was like a walking zombie. I still am at times. Today I saw two black labs and it almost threw me over the edge. I think healing is so different for everyone. I personally left my entire life behind and moved to an island. I am surrounded by beautiful water, kind people, and tropical weather. Im trying to be around people who are truly nice and who care about me. Yet, I would give it all up to have my Baden back with me. I would do anything for that dog. It still hurts a lot and often. Sometimes I dont know how I can go on living without him, but Im trying. Im just trying to stay in the moment and live each day to the best of my ability. Some days are better than others.

After talking to a Reverend about it, I truly believe that we will see our babies again. I asked her how she would know this and she said, 'because enough people have crossed over and come back to tell us that it is true.' I do believe that. I feel that we all must live out our time here on earth and then we will be reunited with our loved ones again.....hopefully never to be seperated again.

You take good good care sandy and hang in there. ~Hugs~
Amy

Amy,

I have tried several times this week to post but haven't been able to find the words. I know how my heart feels but I haven't been able to put it in print. For some reason waking up first thing in the morning is the hardest right now. I guess it's the reality of a new day without Bailey - same thing happened when my husband passed away. The thought of moving and starting fresh has been very appealing to me as the sad memories just seem to be compounding here. However, my two sons and elderly Mom live here so that's not an option.

My 52-year-old husband died in Nov. so that makes the holiday season very hard. Going into it so down is a bit scary. Financially I have no choice but to go through the motions of everyday life. I guess substitute teaching is good for now because I can pick my assignments for the day. However, at some point I have to look again for permanant employment but right now I don't have the energy. Reorganizing and healing is definitely what I need but I don't know how to do it. I thought I was on that path when Bailey died and now I truly do feel scared of the future. This is so energy consuming but I don't know what to do to think more positive. I do have 6 year and 5 month old grandsons that are the joy of my life when I am with them but then I come home and reality rears its ugly head again.

Thank you again for your concern and kind words. Please keep in touch.

Sandy

Hi, Sandy, this grief journey is truly a rough road to hoe. Sometimes I feel so old beyond my chronological years, and they are old, too.

I'm glad you don't have employment that demands your presence every day. You need to focus your energies on re-building your life, and this includes your emotional strength. Permanent employment will come in time - - but hopefully when you feel strong enough to do it.

I can so empathize with you about not knowing how to rebuild your life. Like Amy, I, too, have had to literally go through that journey - - and still go through it every day, thanks to diagnosed PTSD and Survivor's Guilt. For the last 25 years my life has been totally different than what I "imagined" it would be when I was a child, and my life continues to be totally opposite as a consequence of the events that changed my life 25 years ago.

How do you re-build your life? One day at a time, Sandy. Even when you think that "nothing positive" is happening. I personally call this grief journey "the winter of the heart" - - a time when it feels like everything is barren and - - dead - - inside.

I hope this doesn't sound trite to you, but my mom used to say that sometimes you just have to go through the motions no matter how long it is to make through the difficult times - - until one day, when you least expect it - - you will be able to feel the warmth of the sun in your heart again.

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband, Sandy. My mom joined the angels 25 years ago from traumatic circumstances that happened to the both of us - - circumstances I had no control over, - - and I physically survived. Some days are more challenging than others.

Sandy, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon_beam,

Your posts are so elequent and comforting. This is no doubt that they come straight from your heart. I am so sorry for the tragic events 25 years ago that resulted in the death of your mom. Dealing with such loss and in a traumatic way, as you described would most definitely change your life's direction.

I will try very hard to follow your advice. Thank you for taking the time to let me feel special and know that you care.

Peace and blessings to you also,
Sandy

My Sweet Bailey,

It's been a month since I lost you. The house is incredibly quiet and not the warm place I shared with you for three very short years. I kept wanting to let you out last night and then remembered... As fall has settled in it brings a smile to my face remembering last year when I left the back door open for you to go out and to my surprise when I came into the living room found a baby opposum "playing dead" but very much alive. You had gently brought him in for me and were so proud of yourself, looking at me as if to say, "look Mom, look what I brought you!" I hear the squirrels playing on my roof and it kills me knowing that chasing them is probably what caused you to get through the fence that fateful day. They so loved to sit in the tree and tease you but you also loved watching them!

I finally worked in the yard on Friday because the leaves were piling up. There was such an emptiness not having you out there with me. I saw your mom and brother so full of life running around in their yard and missed watching the fun you had playing with them. You enjoyed life so much and it just isn't fair. Marley came to visit a couple of weeks ago. He was so sweet - he just seemed to know. However, watching him run around in the back yard without you was heartwrenching. Jared asked before he brought him over if I wanted him to and of course I said "yes". Jared spent so much time with you while I was taking care of Marley and there's such a loss in his life also.

I don't ask the "whys" as often because the wonderful people here have helped me to understand that I will never find the answers to those. I know that I just have to accept the hand that has been dealt and try and move forward.

I miss you so much. You left a void in my life but will be forever in my heart.

Love,
MOM

Sandy, I so share your heartbreak.....my little Mozie died a little over 2 weeks ago.....I feel so lost without him. While he lived for 16 glorious years....we were inseparable.....he slept next to me every night.Until I lost my job 2 years ago I worked from home for many years...he was always next to me. During my on going struggle with cancer he was always there with a kiss. I still am in a denial of sorts...I can't believe he is not here. I think as others have said we must take one day at a time...eventually the intense pain will lighten.....one day pleasant memories will replace the current ugliness we have been facing.

Terry

Hi, Sandy, thank you so much for sharing your heartwarming letter to your precious Bailey with us. I don't know that we ever achieve "acceptance" when we no longer have the physical presence our beloved companions with us. In my years of life's experiences I am coming to believe that the more accurate word is "adjust."

It never ceases to amaze me how life goes on when we experience a traumatic event in our lives, and the physical loss of our beloved companions certainly qualifies for a traumatic event. Bills still get paid, jobs still get done, laundry gets washed, and on and on and on - - all the while it seems like we are on "automatic pilot" - - nothing really seems to matter anymore. Eventually we find ourselves "adjusting" our lives to the void of the routines that did make a difference in our lives - - the walks with our furkids, the hugs, the meal times, the bed snuggle times - - everything that made a positive influence in our lives we "adjust" our lives to different things to occupy this time - - but our hearts still know that this is only because our precious companion no longer needs our attention, for their earthly journey with us has transformed to a different dimension.

I do so know how you feel about the yard work, as my Oslo would always tobaggon through the piles of leaves I would rake and enjoy laying down right in the middle of them. Now the yard work is just - - work. The only reason why I mowed this summer was to keep the ticks and fleas down, and to discourage snakes from coming up into the main yard area. In years past I would mow so that my furkids would have a nice place to romp and enjoy their yard. Now - - it's just another chore.

Sandy, your precious Bailey is forever with you in your heart and memories, and nothing can ever take her sweet Living Spirit away from you. And thank you so much for sharing her with us.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Sandy, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam