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misong
96 years old
Female
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Born July-17-1927
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Joined: 1-October 11
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Last Seen: 5th August 2012 - 03:16 PM
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misong

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3 Aug 2012
I'm 85. I've been here before. In the last 12 years, I've lost two sons, two husbands, a brother and four wonderful canine companions (the canine companions in the past nine monthss).

I lost my 10 year old toy poodle Wednesday and today is the anniversary of the suicide of my son, Scott. I can't sleep or eat and I'm exhausted.

I've been reading your sad and touching stories and I want you to know you are in my heart and prayers. I'm sorry I don't have the moxy or the energy to respond right now, or even to tell my own story. My mind and body need rest. I just wantd to be here and make contact. This is a healing, restful place, and thank God for all you beautiful souls.

Betsy's story is coming. For now, just want to say, she had many problems: enlarged heart (probably in congestive heart failure), calcification of her bronchial tubes, pancreatitis, elevated liver enzymes, diabetes and renal failure. I had Betssy for only four months but our bond was so great. She was a very special little girl. I was with her for the last 14 hours of her life. I didn't leave her side for a minute and I was able to help her to the other side. I'm grateful for that.

I just can't do this any more. My heart is breaking,. And, oh, the guilt! I should have been more vigilent. I feel I failed her, poor little innocent who trusted me to take care of her.

God bless you all.

Mary
6 Jan 2012
I so appreciated your concern and support when I had to make the decision to have my sweet Jeti euthanized because of complete system shutdown due to Rimadyl toxicity. You helped me so much. I am still grieving for her and now Nikki, my other baby, is gone.

I couldn't believe it when, just weeks after Jeti died, Nikki came into the sun room limping, holding up her right hind leg. My son took her to the vet right away. I was so scared because that's how Jeti's trouble started. Nikki's problem was a busted knee. The vet said if she was younger, she'd do surgery but didn't want to do it on Nikki because of her age (15) and her multiple problems, including a bad heart, dementia, blindness and deafness. She said we should watch her for 6 weeks and hope it healed. Well, it didn't heal and Nikki couldn't take the two medications that were prescribed. One made her throw up. The other made her restless and disoriented. So nothing else was done. On my own, I gave her that condritin combo. but I doubt that it helped much.

Nikki slept most of the time. Woke only to go outside to do her business, to eat and take her eye drops and medicine. I don't know if she was depressed or in pain, but she didn't look happy. She lost interest in anything that was going on around her, except for food. She loved to eat--the only pleasure she had left. She went out on her own, sometimes hobbling to the end of the property to find a good spot. For the last week or so she'd had problems eliminating. Took her to the ER, they took X-rays and said her colon was empty. Often, she would get up & stand in the hall or the kitchen and bark for no reason I could understand. Maybe she was in pain? I don't know. I would try to comfort her. Sometimes she'd go to bed then and sleep, other times it didn't help. Ken, my son, as he did with Jeti, told me it was time to let her go. I resisted until finally I gave in and called a mobile vet who agreed to come to the house to do it. I thought it would be easier on Nikki to die at home, and I could hold her on the couch where she used to sit next to me. But all the while, I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like maybe the time wasn't right. I sent for her records at the vets so the mobile vet could read them (I wanted a second opinion) and I wanted him also to do a physical examination before we proceeded.

The vet came and informed us he was on a tight schedule. Nikki was asleep. I went into the bedroom and woke her after he looked through her chart, but couldn't cox her out of her bed. So Ken carried her into the living room and put her in my lap for the exam. We put her on the floor when the vet wanted to see her walking. Then she had to go to the bathroom. She stayed and stayed, having difficulty eliminating. All this time, I was aware of the vet's desire to get on with it. When she was back in my lap, he filled a syringe and tried to give her an injection. She started shaking and tried to bite him. He mentioned putting on a muzzle. I said no. Then he told Ken to hold her mouth and she tried to bite Ken. By then he had the first shot in. She seemed to almost immediately become still, but her eyes were open. I was talking to her and kissing her and all the time wanted to shout, "Stop!" I couldn't bear to see her die so Ken held her for the final shot while I wheeled myself through the house sobbing.

I am so afraid that I let myself be pressured into something that I shouldn't have. My son told me it was past time I should let her go. He said if I kept her alive, I was being selfish. I let my baby down. And I don't know how to live with myself. I miss her so much. I don't know how much longer she could have gone on, but I do know that she didn't seem in acute distress. She didn't seem to have much going for her, but who knows what was going on in her mind? She still enjoyed her food and she could hobble around. And I think, who am I to decide when anyone dies?
I've never done anything like this before, and now twice in two months!
2 Oct 2011
Hello. I'm a new member; my name is Mary. I found this wonderfully supportive group Thursday and I've pretty much been glued here since.

I want to tell my story, but am so filled with sorrow, guilt and regret, I don't know how rational I will be. I'll try to be brief.

It started Monday when my precious Jeti, a 14 year old red miniature poodle, woke limping and favoring her left front leg. The limp soon disappeared, and I forgot about it. Then Tuesday the leg was worse. And she moaned a little under her breath. She held the leg up, couldn't put weight on it and folded her foot under at the joint. I sent her with my son, who lives with me, to the vet, when they opened. I'm disabled; use a wheelchair. I talked to them on the phone and sent a note with pertinent information. Ken, my son, returned later with Jeti and three medications for pain. And with a message that Jeti's prognosis looked bleak. I weas shocked. The vet said it wasn't Jeti's leg that was bothering her, it was her cervical spine. They took X-rays of her back and showed them to Ken. He said the spine looked bad.

Except for the leg, though, she seemed fine--fully alert, eating, drinking, etc. I asked the vet if I should give the meds separately or all together. She said they didn't interfere with one another and could be given together, so, at 1:00 PM I gave her all three, with food, as instructed. Around 6:00 PM, Jeti started falling apart. She vomited, first the food she had eaten, then a thick substance filled with blood. Ken took her to the ER. They gave two new meds, one for nausea and one for healing the stomach lining. They said to stop the Rimedyl. They said that med is what caused the lining of the stomach to bleed. I got one dose down her. She became agitated and was wheezing. She usually sleeps on the bed with me, but I was afraid she'd try to get off and fall; by now she was unsteady on her legs. So I made a bed by the side of my bed and tried to get her to lie down. She didn't lie down all night and paced around. I had to be alert and keep her from Nikki, my other 14 year old poodle, who is an alpha dog and very territorial. Jeti didn't need to have to deal with her. She drank a little water and immediately threw it up.

By morning, she was having difficulty breathing. As soon as the vet opened, I sent her back with Ken. They started IV fluids (she was dehydrated) and gave her oxygen. They did blood work and said her creatnine was 5 and should be 2. If the IV fluid didn't bring it down, there was no hope. And, even if it did, she had multiple problems: Kidneys shutting down, bad heart, congenital esophegeal problem, and her cervical spine problem. I was shocked because I take my little ones for regular checkups and no one has ever indicated that Jeti had a serious problem. I knew she had a heart murmur, but I didn't know it was serious. I told the vet that and she said the murmur was loud.

Anyway, they treated her that day; the vet said they had to give the fluids slowly because of the bad heart. Ken brought her home for the night. I didn't want her to stay there because no staff would be there. She would be unattended. But when I saw her, I knew she needed what they could give her. She was having difficulty breathing and still needed more fluid. So I sent her back. But I couldn't stand the thought of her being there alone, feeling so bad and none of her people there to soothe her and make her feel safe. She did have a pillowcase I had used, but there were no words of encouragement. Ken had a talk with me. He told me that she needed to go, to keep her would be selfish on my part. I couldn't stand the thought of her suffering, especially alone and afraid. She had originally been my husband's dog; when he died, she became my shadow. She followed me everywhere and when I left, she parked near the door and waited for my return. She had separation anxiety. The vets had presented the possibiiity of euthanasia but wouldn't come out and tell me to do it. Anyway, from what they told me, even if Jeti survived this (which was doubtful), she probably couldn't live much longer because of all her other serious problems.

By now, the vet place had closed. I called the answering service and wanted to talk to a vet about putting Jeti to sleep. They wouldn't call a vet for that. I looked at my iphone for numbers of vets whom had called me. I called every one of them, several times, and finally a cleaning person answered. I told her what I wanted and she started calling all the vets, finally got hold of one who agreed to call me. She was so nice. She agreed to go back and perform the procedure. She met Ken there, he held Jeti, who relaxed in his arms and went to sleep peacefully.

When Ken came home, I asked him to take everything connected with Jeti and put them away. I couldn't bear to see them. I catch myself making little adjustments that I made for her when she was here. Then I realize it isn't necessary. When I wake, I think she's at the foot of my bed, then see that she isn't. I see a mental picture of her sweet face--the big brown warm trusting eyes. I want to remember how she looked, and I'm afraid I'll forget. She was such a sweetheart. I love her so much.

I called the next morning and told them not to send her to be cremated until I could talk to a vet. I thought I might want to have an autopsy. Someone finally got back to me that afternoon. She said that Jeti had already been picked up and she was frozen anyway and you can't do an autopsy on a frozen body.

Now I wonder if I did the right thing. What if Jeti could have survived and had many more good weeks or months to enjoy life? I feel I let her down. She was such a little dear, so mild mannered, enjoyed running and jumping outside and perfectly content to be near me. She was a joy and I still expect to see her. Every room in the house reminds me of her. She depended on me to take care of her and make the right decisions. I think the Rimadyl is what killed her and I gave it to her. I feel I should have been able to save her, or, to prevent all that happened. She trusted me so much. Was my decision too hasty? I just didn't want her to suffer anymore. How can I live with myself? Life isn't the same without her.

Nikki is probably legally blind and deaf and she has many other problems. I thought she would be the first to go. She's very confused and still paces through the house looking for Jeti. She's usually very independent, but now she approaches me quite often for loving and stroking.

I called the vet hospital back and left a message with the secretary for one of them to return my call; I want to know more about the back problem, and the others. That was Friday. I haven't heard from anyone yet.

I feel so empty. And so lonely without my little shadow. And I still can't believe she isn't here.
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