I apologize for my lengthy post. I am all over the place and rambling.

I am devastated, again. I lost my sweet bunny Albus suddenly on Tuesday, March 24, 2015. He was the most precious little white and gray, mixed Netherland Dwarf and English Spot rabbit. I adopted him (along with his sister Hermione) on June 27, 2008 from a rescue organization when he was 6 weeks old. He was my best friend. I lost his sister, Hermione (Hermy), on November 18, 2011, and it destroyed me.

I shouldn’t have taken Albus to the vet last Friday, March 20, 2015. It was a mistake. I will regret it forever.

Albus was diagnosed with sludgy bladder syndrome on November 19, 2013 and received daily bladder expression and medications until his major bladder surgery on December 11, 2013 for bladder stones. He survived surgery and even thrived over the next 15 months. He tolerated his bi-weekly and monthly follow-up visits well, including x-rays, ultrasounds, and bladder expression. His visit on December 16, 2014 was uneventful, except for a new heart murmur that the vet said was so minor he could live years and years with it. The vet recommended follow-up in 3 months for bladder catheterization under anesthesia.

He was doing so well until the vet saw him on Friday, March 20. He was healthy and active, eating, pooping, peeing, playing, sleeping, running, jumping, taking his medications without complaint, doing everything he loved, eating his lettuce, carrots, banana and watermelon (his favorite!). He was urinating freely and comfortably. He was living life and spending his days as the perfect little bun.

I should have done everything differently. I should have picked up his medications, cancelled the appointment, and gone home with him, still alive and well. The vet examined his entire body and said he was doing well. Then he focused on the bladder, squeezing hard to try to express some urine. Immediately, he reacted with pain. He struggled to escape the vet’s hold on him. He was flailing around in his hands, air-pedaling his legs. The vet pressed harder on his bladder. He tried squeezing as Albus was standing on all fours on the exam table. Nothing came out. He squeezed harder. Albus continued to react with pain. One drop of urine came out.

Albus was left in tremendous pain. He immediately bent over and started to lick his penis, then straightened himself and extended posteriorly to strain to urinate, squeaking very loudly in pain. I asked the vet, “Did you hear that? That was him.” He said he didn’t hear anything. Albus bent over again and again to lick his penis. He strained to urinate over and over again, squeaking quietly while standing on a towel on the exam table. I asked the vet, “Why is he doing this? He has never done this before.” Finally, the vet picked him up and flipped him over. He looked at his penis and said, “He’s fine, but he’ll be sore for a day or two.” He asked his technician when the last ultrasound was done. It was in October. The vet said, “Oh, not that long ago.” Even though Albus was still licking and straining on the exam table, the vet didn’t order an x-ray or ultrasound.

The vet instructed me to schedule bladder catheterization under anesthesia for June and told me to put Albus back into his carrier and leave. Albus was miserable on the ride home, not moving around as usual and shedding tears from one of his eyes. The fur under his left eye was wet.

That night and all day Saturday, Albus didn’t eat or poop. He spent Saturday and Sunday drinking water and straining to urinate, squeaking in pain. I gave him some pain medication Saturday and Sunday. He ate a few small pieces of lettuce Sunday night.

Monday morning, I called the vet’s office at 7:59 a.m. and left a detailed message. He called back around 10:15 a.m. and said, “I heard I messed him up.” I told him Albus was in pain since Friday’s visit and had not eaten or pooped, only drinking water and urinating a little bit. He said, “Sounds like you got him through the weekend.” He recommended surgery for the following day, Tuesday, March 24, at 12:00 noon, telling me to drop Albus off by noon Tuesday. He said even if I dropped him off that day, Albus would just sit in a cage overnight until his surgery at noon. He did not tell me to bring you in for evaluation right away that same day. I should have taken him in anyway. Monday night, Albus ate 3 pieces of lettuce and started to urinate more, although with great pain.

I woke up Tuesday morning around 6:30 a.m. to find Albus hiding under the dining table. He was lying flat against the carpet. He was dying. When I scooped his limp body up into my arms, his head started to lean back slowly and he started to close his eyes. I immediately got into the car and drove him to the vet’s office by 7 a.m.

The technicians started Albus on oxygen and gave him injections of pain medication and muscle relaxant, placing him on a towel and warming pad. They said his rapid breathing and fast heart rate were good signs that he was not slowing down. Albus and I then waited for the vet to arrive at 8 a.m. A different vet came in and immediately discussed euthanasia. I told the vet I want him to try to save Albus. He took Albus to the back of the clinic. After about 15 minutes, the vet came to speak to me but wouldn’t let me see him. He said under anesthesia he drained 15 mL of urine with a needle and then catheterized the bladder but had to stop because he had to intubate him. He couldn’t get an IV in. He again told me to think about euthanasia. At that moment, his technician came running to get him. They ran into the back again. A few minutes later the vet came out and said, ““I’m sorry, the little guy didn’t make it. He went into cardiac arrest.” I wasn’t with my little Albus when he died! I asked to see Albus, but they told me to wait in another room. They brought his body to me wrapped in a towel and let me hold him for a while. Then they took his body, packaged him in a small white cardboard box, sealed with packaging tape, and handed the box to me.

One moment Albus is alive and well. The next moment the vet examines him and dooms him to 4 days of excruciating pain before he dooms him to death. I should not have taken Albus on Friday. I should not have let the vet squeeze his bladder. I should not have gone along with his deferring surgery to June. I should have asked again why Albus was suddenly in pain.

The vet left a voicemail message two days ago, acknowledging and “apologizing” for “instigating the events” that led to Albus’s death. He also said that maybe he should have been more aggressive with managing his condition earlier.

I am devastated, completely heartbroken. I feel so guilty about everything. I should have spent more time with him, given him his favorite treats more often. I cannot stop crying and thinking about him. I know he is gone, but I keep looking for him to be here. He was so full of life, so happy and carefree. How could he be gone now?

Thank you for allowing me to share Albus’s story. I love and miss my little bunny so much.

Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Oh my goodness Hermy's mummy, that is one very, very sad story. Your little Albus was simply adorable. My heart aches for you and the pain you are feeling, I completely understand. Please try not to feel too bad, you cannot undo what has happened, and please don't feel guilty, you don't have the ability to see the future. It still doesn't help with your grief though. I would be very upset with my vet though, but that is another story altogether.

Please know you are not alone in your pain, that is what this board is so great for - I lost my 19 year old cat Cloudy on St. Patrick's Day, it was so sudden and so fast. I still miss her upstairs in our bathroom and bedroom, her favourite places in the house.

Hugs to you - as I said, your little Albus was so very, very cute and I am so sad for you.

I am so sorry for your loss. That picture is absolutely adorable.

I just lost my best friend on Thursday morning. After she passed, my wife and I, daily, go over all the things we feel guilty over. When our best friend leaves us, we always wonder what we could have done different. I don't know if this will be of any comfort to you, but you should not hold any guilt over your rabbit's passing. I always tell my wife, what really matters is the motivation behind our actions. You did not take your best friend to the vet to be hurt, or anything else bad. You took him there, gave him excellent care, because you loved him.

Its of very little comfort to say "we did our best". But you went above and beyond to ensure that your precious Albus was well taken care of, comfortable, and loving life. You're an excellent person with a huge heart, and that always comes with a price. Rest easy knowing that you did everything to ensure that your best friend continued to live a fulfilling life. His trust was well placed with you and he knew that. Your love for him did not go unnoticed by him or by those who saw you care for him.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to work through these issues in your time and in your way.

Dear Hermy and Albus's Mommy,

I can't begin to express how sorry I am about what happened!!! I cried for you as I read your story, and I am typing this through tears of empathy.

First let me say that YOU are not to blame---not one bit. We as pet parents entrust our babies into the hands of medical professionals, because we ourselves don't have the expertise. You were so on top of Albus's medical health---along with every other aspect of his comfort.

You are every bit as much a victim in this tragedy as Albus is. This reminds me of an incident I had with a vet on July 10, 1998, and I did not know how to even begin to move through the pain. I feel so very much for what you are going through. I don't want you to suffer. Your sweet Albus does NOT want you to feel guilty AT ALL. He and Hermy are together. And in the wonderful realm they are in, there are no time/space limitations--so they are with you as well, just not in their familiar physical forms.

Had the roles been reversed and it had been you who had passed from your physical form, you would not want either of them to feel any guilt over what THEY might have done differently. This sure is not your fault IN THE SLIGHTEST.

Do you have other pets? Close friends/family who understand this kind of unbelievable heartbreak? You deserve as much comfort and support as possible.

I have many other thoughts and feelings that I want to share. I will be back in touch today, shortly.

I am just so very sorry you are going through this and I wanted to get some sort of a note out to you.

Sending you prayers for the beginnings of peace,

Kathy

Hi, Hermy's Mommy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Albus. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.

From first hand experience I can so relate to the deep sorrow and anger you are feeling. You entrusted the care of your beloved Albus with someone who was supposed to provide qualified professional care for him only to have that person betray your trust leaving you and your beloved Albus to deal with the consequences. Please let me add my support in saying that you are NOT at fault in any way, shape, or form for what happened to your beloved companion. Our forum friend Kathy said it very well: "You are every bit as much a victim in this tragedy as Albus is."

I know there is NOTHING that can ever take away the anguish in your heart of the events that happened to your beloved Albus. But even though your beloved Albus is no longer physically with you, the love bond you and your beloved Albus share is eternal - - your beloved Albus' sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope in your grief journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Albus with us, Hermy's Mommy. He is sooo adorable, and you are forever blessed to be his Forever Mom. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Hermy's Mommy, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hermy and Albus's Mommy,

I don't think you've been on the site today. I will check back in the morning, or in the night.

Kathy

Dear Hermy's Mommy, I also cried when I read about your beautiful little Albus and I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to all of your pain and the guilt as I made the decision to have my beloved little dog, Lilly, put to sleep on 12 March. I still feel very, very guilty and sometimes wished I never took her to the vet that morning. She had been ill, but then deteriorated so I took her back not expecting that she wouldn't be coming home with me. I think guilt is very much part of the grieving process, but Albus wouldn't want you to feel this way. You loved him and he loved you right back. I am sending you a big hug and blessings to little Albus who is now with your beloved Hermy. I understand how very painful this all is.

Dear Stormycloud,

Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading about my little Albus. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It's so hard to walk past our fur baby's favorite places in the house, isn't it? My thoughts and prayers are with you and Cloudy tonight.

Thanks again!

Warm hugs,
Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Dear Barronk,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and understanding. Very much needed and appreciated at a time like this. Thank you, thank you. I'm so sorry for the passing of your Abby. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

My hope for all of us here is that each day we feel a little bit less guilty and a little bit less pain and therefore allow ourselves to remember all the happy memories and feel all the love we shared with our little loved ones.

Thanks again and take care.

Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Dear LittleGirl's Mommy (Kathy),

Thank you so very much for your words of healing. I just spent an hour or so crying my eyes out while trying to finish up work. Knowing that you and everyone on this forum are so understanding and so supportive really helps me make it through the day (and night). One day at a time, I tell myself.

You are right about the feelings of guilt and regret. It seems to be a universal feeling or experience that all of us here have been through. I suppose it is because we loved our little ones so much.

I keep looking for Albus everywhere in the living room. He and his bunny friend Harry shared the living room. Now Harry misses him and seems to be looking for Albus as well. I had adopted Hermy, Albus, and Harry at the same time in June 2008. Hermy and Albus were just 6 weeks old then. I miss them both so much.

I'll write more later. I seem to be rambling again. I think crying and sobbing must have deprived my brain of oxygen.

Thanks again for your prayers.

Hermy and Albus's Mommy (Lisa)

Dear SoSad,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Lilly. My thoughts and prayers are with you this evening. I understand what you mean and how you feel when you said that you took Lilly to the vet but did not expect she would not be going back home with you. I thought the exact same thing. I think that's why I'm still in shock today. It will be a week tomorrow morning, but my mind still cannot accept that Albus is really gone.

I'm so sorry you are feeling guilty. I feel that way too, but I'm sure your Lilly knows you love her and want the best for her. I believe your Lilly, my Hermy and Albus, and all of our other beautiful furry loved ones are together, waiting to be with us again. At least I hope so.

I'm sending you hugs and prayers!

Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Dear moon_beam,

Thank you so much for your kind words and tireless support over the years. I still re-read your posts on Hermy's thread and draw strength from reading your posts on others' as well.

I am so grateful to you and Kathy and all of the other kind, compassionate, and loving people here. You all make it possible for me to see each day and each night through, seeking and finding solace here among friends.

I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Often it seems like I take two steps backward for every step forward.

I'm praying tonight that all of us here will find some peace in our hearts and minds.

Hugs,
Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Yes, Lisa, one day at a time. And remembering that Albus and Hermy are together--and with you too--and fine and want only good things for you.

I'll continue to pray for you every day.

Will look forward to more updates on how you are doing--but only when you feel up for writing.

Kathy
P.S. I am so very glad to hear that Harry is there. You sure need each other right now.

Hi, Hermy's and Albus' Mommy, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, this grief journey is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds that can make us feel like we are teetering with one step forward and many steps backward all at the same time. This is one of many reasons why it is important for you to remember we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

From first hand experience I can so relate to how deeply sad it is for you and your precious Harry to experience the physical loss of your beloved companions and housemates. My precious Noah is my surviving companion in a household that used to have four precious companions - - including my precious Noah. Because of my age and physical challenges my precious Noah will be my last companion during my earthly journey - - he will be 12 years old in May, so our time together on this side of eternity is becoming more limited which is why I am so very grateful that I am retired from employment now and can spend the majority of our days and evenings together.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Harry kindly, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hermy's and Albus' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you and your precious Harry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear moon_beam and LittleGirl'sMommy,

Thank you both so much for your words of support. Yesterday marked one week since Albus passed, and I was having a hard time doing anything at all. I dragged myself into work yesterday, somehow made it through the day, went home and fed Harry and Ron (my two remaining bunnies), then sat in front of my computer looking through photos of Albus and crying. I couldn't sleep last night. Now I've dragged myself into work this morning and really don't want to face or interact with people at all.

I miss Albus so much! I looked forward to seeing him when I got up in the morning and when I got home from work. I miss scooping him up and showering him with kisses. Nothing is the same. Life will never be the same without him.

Again, thank you so much for listening and responding with such empathy and encouragement. I appreciate it.

I'm praying I make it through the day!

Hugs,
Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Hi Hermy's Mummy,

Hoping you had a better day today - going to work is awful when you are feeling so incredibly sad! I do hope it went okay for you though.

Thinking of you and your sweet Albus, he really is soooooo cute.

Hug to you!

Moira

Hi Moira,

Thank you so much for the well wishes. I made it through work today, mostly because it was so busy that I didn't have time to think about my little guy.

Thanks for thinking of Albus and me. He is a cutie-pie! It's amazing how our little furry loved ones burrow into our hearts, fill them with such joy and love, and leave huge gaping holes when they depart. I'm trying to fill the gigantic hole in my heart with all the love I have for Albus and all the memories of our life together. I feel so blessed, so lucky to have had him in my life. I only wish it was for much, much longer.

I still have many regrets and tons of guilt about his last days here on earth. I wish things turned out differently. Maybe if I had done this or that...he would still be here.

Again, thank you for your comforting words!

Hugs,
Lisa (Hermy and Albus's Mommy)

Hermy and Albus's Mommy,

Thank you for checking in. I am so very sorry that the one-week anniversary was so so very difficult!

You said, "I still have many regrets and tons of guilt about his last days here on earth. I wish things turned out differently. Maybe if I had done this or that...he would still be here."

I have thoughts on that I want to share with you. (thoughts that I am positive that Hermie and Albus want you to know too)

I just got home a bit ago and need to sleep but I will plan on writing tomorrow evening if not sooner.

Prayers being sent your way !! You and Harry and Ron are making it--one day at a time.

Hugs,

Kathy

Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, during the deep grief it feels like every minute of every hour of every day is an "angel-versary" and are emphasized as the "one week, one month, etc." angel-versaries come. I can so relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "I've dragged myself into work this morning and really don't want to face or interact with people at all." I remember so very well being so very thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue my work, and the feelings of just wanting the world to stop because I just didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to "keep up" with it.

I truly wish there was an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Lisa, but unfortunately the only way is to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time with the reassurance that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Harry and Ron kindly, and that each of you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Albus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lisa, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi again Lisa,

I wanted to share a poem that someone posted here (I think it was a few years ago. I wish I remembered who. It has meant a lot to me). I don't remember whose name was in the poem, but I substituted my kitty's name, Mariah (the precious soul I lost in July of '98). The details of the circumstances are different from yours, but I hope the poem brings you some comfort, as it did for me.

I'm sorry for the pain I caused you
All because I did not know
That you were sick and you were hurting
And that was why you walked so slow.

I'm sorry that I left you with them
On what would be your last night here.
Can you forgive me for that Mariah?
That's what my heart most wants to hear.

Oh Mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong.
No matter where I was I felt it,
Your love for me was oh so strong.

Oh Mommie, Mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive.
A life of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live.


Albus doesn't want you feeling guilty for anything. Guilt is such an unfortunate but universal feeling that comes with grief. We are not meant to be perfect and we humanly can't anticipate everything that might happen or think of everything we "should have done." Hermy, Albus, Harry, and Ron are all lucky to be able to call you their loving Mommy.

Kathy