In Memory Of Bakkus

For you my Bakkus.

You were never far, your photo always sat on the bookcase
And memories of you and Dad always remained.
What happened to you informed me with Mage.
And as much as February 1st I never forgot
I know I didn’t stop
To reflect deliberately on you and what you gave
You and Mage
Were my boys
And I could not imagine life without you.

That weekend we went to Dad’s and you became unwell.
While you were at the doctor’s that weekend
I did wonder, what it would be like
Without you
Just Mage and me
And it felt so alone.

Because of that
I never allowed myself
To imagine again what it would be like
For in the imagining I felt I had let you go.

I still remember you being with Dad,
For you truly chose him as much as you lived with me
And the memory of you on Dad’s lap,
Curled up, both asleep
Snoring - is as vivid as can be.

Bakks, I hurt so much at the time and I never wrote to say
That when Mage and I got home I went to the doctor
And playing was the song with the words
… 'and I thought that it would rain, the day you went away.’

You left us, surrounded by nature, lying on top of me
as I lay on the ground under a tree
outside at the doctors Dad sitting on our left and Mage in his basket on our right.
You slipped away on me –
And Dad drove us home.

That day and at that time, I no longer believed.
I was studying theology and I no longer believed in God.
Yet as Dad and I sat out the back at ‘Newbrae’
After you had gone, I felt your Essence, in the midst of a storm
Be taken up unto the Greater Essence, and you were home.
I didn’t believe, yet experienced your return.
And as much as it had rained that hot February day
The words of the song still made sense to me.

Dad lovingly found a casket for you
And made it up for your eternal rest
And we went to the orchard
Where you frolicked so often
And in the midst of such heat
And the tears of Dad and mine
We laid you there
And I felt as if I was burying my child.

Mage looked for you when we got home,
Like I had done something with you.
And all I could do was cuddle him and say I missed you too.

Oh Bakkus, it has been 16 years today,
And I have not cried for you often enough
I am sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t take your teachings and learn back then
Somehow wanting to avoid you going.

Mage having gone has brought back
Memories of you.
And although you were always around
In my mind,
I didn’t intentionally stop
And reflect on you on this day.

This website too has made me realise
That is important to remember
And honour those who have gone before
And so my Bakkus, I intentionally
Remember you this day.
And the tears come and I cry.
I miss our cuddles,
And all our chats along the drive.

You and Mage both had different ways
You always rested your head on my chest
Sprawled out on me on the couch as I lay .
And so that is how I let you be 16 years ago today.

Mage, back then, generally wanted to be outside
And not in with us.
And his way of lying on me, was always the other way,
With his head toward my knees.

You were the wise one then, and you taught Mage so much,
He took your wisdom and made it his own
And together Mage and I had grown.

None of this is meant to rhyme,
It just seems to every now and then
Maybe it’s just the affect you have on me
When I’ve started to really feel for you again.

I never let Magion stay alone overnight at the doctors
All his life because how I had to leave you.
I was too afraid of a phone call again
To tell me I had to come soon.

So many wonderful times we had,
The three of us together.
And after you left
It was Mage and me
Just the two of us
And that’s how it would be
Till Magion too has gone from here
And once again my tears are so near.

I miss you, my playful boys, so much
I remember you doing all sorts as such
Thank you, thank you to my beautiful boys
You were both incredible and gave me such joy.


To you, Bakkus, thank you.

In memory of my Bakkus
Met: 30 August 1991, thought to be 3 years old, but I know you were much older
Left this world: 1 February 1993




Bakkus on TV up at Dad's



Bakkus and Mage outside at our flat on old grotty (not ours) chairs out the front. I never liked you both sitting on those chairs.



Bakks and Dad at our place, enjoying a rub of the chin.


Miss you all.

The Emptiness I Feel Is Beyond Words

I have just found this website and the tears come again as I write. And tears have flowed as I have read other people's stories of love and some have brought smiles as I remember the good times. My most beautiful boy, Magion, left this world 28 August this year and I miss him soooo much. The loneliness I feel without him here is beyond all words. His things are in every room and his presence everywhere. I still haven't slept in the bed having left it the way it was the last time we were together there. The pain is intense - and I'm seeing lots of grief counsellors - but this site seemed to offer a sense of kindred spirit. I miss him so and am now totally on my own. The photo of him I've attached as my avatar is like he is with me as I type, because he was the one to say "well that's enough computer work now, time to play."
We were together for just on 17 years and he would have just been 18 - being, I was told, one year old when I met him at the RSPCA (a pet adoption centre and hospital) in 1991. I just need other people who understand the pain to chat with... I can't believe he is gone.