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annf
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Joined: 3-October 08
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annf

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8 Nov 2008
I have been visiting this site over the past month reading posts and it has been helpful to read that others share so many feelings. I thought that one day I would share but wanted to get my thoughts together first. Today I need to write, thoughts together or not. I am having a terrible day. I need to share my story. We lost our beautiful dog Woody, aka Woodyman the best boy on September 26th. He was killed on the highway a couple miles away. It was a friday night late and I wanted to let the dogs out for their last potty before bed. My husband had already gone to bed. Woody bolted off in the back woods barking, not unusual. We live in a country setting bordered by acres and acres of woods. Well this time he took a while coming back, he usually showed up with a single bark at the back patio door. Still this was not so unusual, he never ran away, explored a bit, always came back. I waited and waited and then began to worry that he got tangled with critters. Well all through the night I was sure he was coming back, then I began to drive around looking, but it was near morning, still too dark to see anything. Once it became light enough my husband finally found him dead a couple miles away along the highway. He had been hit and killed. I had still hoped, but I knew something bad had happened otherwise he would have been home. We don't know when it happened, his collar and ID tags were missing, I expected a call from someone, but that never happened. So the mystery of when and how and if I could have found him had I gone out looking earlier haunt me. I expect he was killed instantly and I hope it was painless. I cannot bear my baby boy being in pain. I feel so guilty and awful. like I killed him myself. I should have anticipated the dangers, that he could run further and might get out to the highway. Yet for most of his 10 plus years he ran about our property and explored the neighboring woods never running away. I think this gave us a false sense of confidence. I know this was a preventable accident and I feel so guilty. I read the article on guilt and the difference between justifiable and unjustifiable guilt. I feel it was my fault for not understanding the risk, for not going on a search for him sooner. I remember feeling so paralyzed as the time went on, surely he was going to show up. Our other dog has been doing Ok, my husband seems OK, but I am still in pieces. I just cannot get past the what ifs and replaying what I should have done. I was doing better for a while, but today feels like it was just yesterday that it happened. I have been crying my eyes out off and on all day. Then I came here to this site and saw that Dottie had made a link to a song that was my special song with my dogs, "Have I told you lately" I have the original Van Morrison version and would sing it to them so much. Other people would think I was nuts to say I have a special song with my dogs. But I just love them so much. Woody was the one who cuddled and loved. He was a lover boy extrordinaire. I remember many nights looking at him and saying out loud "oh my beautiful baby boy, what will I ever do with out you." Now I know, hurt beyond belief. I have lost other pets, a cat and dog to old age and a pup due to complications from surgery. I have lost good friends, but this is the worse grief I have ever experienced. Thanks to all of you reading this, to Steve K especially who knows what missing a dog named Woody means. To all of you who so bravely are enduring your own grief thanks for being here and letting me share,
annf
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