Hello. I desperately need someone to talk to here and there and just don't understand this site. I posted in a spot and don't know if this spot is right either. Nobody will reply. Please help. I'm a nice guy I just need some support with losing my angel. It was such a tragedy I'm just in agony ans hell.

Hi, Augustus, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Mira. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion under tragic circumstances intensifies the grief.

Augustus, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time because you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

This grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Mira, and it is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. Even though your beloved Mira is no longer physically with you, the love bond you and your beloved Mira share is eternal - - for love is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Mira's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Augustus - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And please know each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. It may take a little time for you to receive responses, but I assure you you are among friends here who truly know what you are going through, and we will respond to you as quickly as each of us can.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Mira with us, Augustus. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Augustus, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam,
Your time and care to respond has really touched my heart. I would be glad to share a photo of Mira but the site rejects all my photos saying they're too big but they're standard size. I tried to shrink it and to no avail.
What kills me about my angel Mira is my hopes for the future and all the plans we had. She was born August 12, 2013 and left us Sept 1, 2014 at 1:00AM she breathed her last breath in my mouth. Fireworks caused her to take off from my house and she was terrified. She ran and ran and ran. I frantically searched and I had some neighbors help as well. Then, a person with personal ties to the Humane Society got a call saying a dog was found hit by a car and to bring the owner. My heart cracked. Something left me that moment. I'm lessoned. Not figuratively either. I'm so weak. I identified her and she wagged her tail twice. I thought, "this is great!". She just looked at me with eyes of sorrow. She seemed so sore and not herself. We transported 30 min. away because our society hasn't woken up in about 20 years to realize, hmmm, 80% of human beings own pets. Let's set up a state run, mandatory pet insurance that charges ONLY to sustain itself. I live in Canada. Why aren't surgeons on call at the ready? We wouldn't accept this for children but since dogs have a lessor life expectancy we accept it for dogs???? It should INCREASE our sense of urgency if anything. (I had insurance and it was the second best one but it was useless. I would have had to pay $10,000 upfront and that was just for her shattered hips) Anyway, we live in a world that wants all kinds of background checks for a gun (I agree with somewhat) but having a child doesn't come with basic checks. Strange. Anyway, back to my baby. You see how my gamut of emotions is a mess. Sorry. Thanks for listening. So we drive 30 min away and although the driver was decent he didn't avoid bumps too much and seemed strange that he didn't push the issue at a yellow light without other traffic around. We took Mira out and he put gloves on and told me to help carry her. Is he nuts I thought? I, in great horror, said, "so we're taking her out of the cage???" He said yes. I replied by for fully asserting it would be better not to disrupt any potential internal injuries by leaving her flat in the cage on a stiff board. OMG I can't believe I'm writing my dogs final night. I am so overcome with dread. I'm just dead inside. I'm aching. My soul is in pieces. Baby Mira had a lot to live for. Anyway, she was given three sets of painkillers and, I was notified I needed to pay $200 before they took x-rays. I was transported to the hospital with a flashlight and her leash. I had no wallet on me. They will NOT operate until payment is made. SICKENING!!!!!! Again, who the heck is running the asylum? What a world. We wouldn't accept this treatment for kids but hey, a pet? Well, they just walk, talk, poop and pee. Jerks. So my parents rushed home from their vacation thinking Mira had a broken leg or something. They too didn't know they were saying goodbye to their angel. Although they didn't live with her they developed a tight bond which delighted me beyond comprehension. I loved how they took to her.
Anyway my parents paid and the X-Rays were taken. 30 more minutes passed and I asked for a bathroom. The Veterinarian showed me where it was and revealed the terrible results after I was through. I'm losing my nerve to write so I will quickly say that Mora took her last breath into my mouth and we had to say goodbye to her. I love her soooooo much and I'm slowly dying inside. Thank you sooooo much to anyone who responds. Each response helps mightily. Peace and love.

Oh My God... I could barely read the words of your second entry. My mind and heart racing. This cannot be true! Another silent scream (if you click on my name, you will see my posts,... MacKenzie,... a silent scream for all time...). I am so, SO dreadfully sorry about your loss. Words fail me here... Writing with tear-filled eyes. Know that you have landed in the right place and forum to help you. I happened on this site after yet another loss, a very emotionally violent one (MacKenzie), and in my struggles to stay alive, I searched once again on pet loss and landed here. Everyone on this site has dealt, is dealing, or will deal with the loss of a beloved peep. Loss here covers the gamut, from "it's time and painful" to screaming agony. Moon_beam is here for everyone all the time. She will never leave your side. Others will join. You can see the number of visits to your post. Not everyone can or is able to write depending on the station of his/her grief. Trust that anyone who stops in understands and cries with you. Many on this site have been here for years. There is a kinship that transcends distance and our walks in life.

Read my entry from Christine Kane when you are able. It is the singularly most succinct and healing writing on pet loss. It brings it all home for me in very simple terms. The comments are equally healing and reassuring.

Know that all the way in Alabama (where I live), I am holding your heart and soul, sharing your pain, sending you healing light.

You are not alone.

hello AugustusS,

i see you found the right forum, sorry the site gave you troubles. i've removed your post from the cybershoulder room in favor of this one.

Dear AugustusS

So very sorry for your loss. We all know how hurt and devastated you are right now. And angry - and you have every right to be. This is a wonderful site - I found it a few days before I had to say goodbye to my beloved Hunny.

I lost George last November to a car accident. I wasn't there when it happened though. He died alone on the road. At least the people who hit him were kind enough to move him up to the house. But still - it still hurts. It hurts anytime we lose a beloved pet and especially if they go before their time as most of my pets have.

I too am in Canada - Manitoba. I'm not sure where you are but I'm in a rural area so vets on call is a rarity - although we do have here. Just too far away to be of any help.

This site is the best!! It really is. We've all had losses and tragedies. But there are some really wonderful people here who have hearts as big as the universe. They offer such kind and wise words. I used to come here all the time, now not so often. To be honest I find it hard some days to read of others pain. But until you start to heal, I suggest coming here to write - even if it's just to vent.

Once again, so terribly sorry for you loss.

Lynette.

Hi, Augustus, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and what happened with your beloved Mira. Sadly, our society in general, and sometimes including specific individuals in our lives, consider our companions to be "expendable", but for us who come to this wonderful forum know better - - for we know the wonder and majesty of devoted love beyond all comprehensible words in every language that can only be shared with our precious and beloved companions. And because we allow ourselves to surrender to their unconditional love and undivided attention, we also bear the most painful burden of sorrow when they precede us to the angels - - however that event happens.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Right now, and for quite awhile to come, you will not have much control over your emotions. Clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. I hope you will have your parents for support during your grief journey, and that you and your parents will be able to support each other. And please know that each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no judgments made here, - - no "time restrictions" on "how long" you feel the need to grieve for your beloved Mira. Even though eventually the deep searing pain will ease, there will always be a place in your heart that will miss your beloved Mira's physical presence - - for in reality she has taken a part of your heart with her to heaven's perfect garden to hold and to cherish until it is your appropriate time to join her in eternal joy. And she has left her heart with you to hold and to cherish as you continue your earthly journey - - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Augustus - - no matter how much time passes as you continue your earthly journey - - she is and always will be a heartbeat close to you.

Unfortunately, veterinary medicine has become similar to human medicine in terms of financial compensation for services rendered. Here in the States many hospitals will not perform services unless they have proof of a patient's ability to pay - - insurance, etc. - - and deductibles are required to be paid in full BEFORE services are rendered. I don't know what the new procedures are now, and will evolve to be, under the current Affordable Care Act but I do hope there will be a return to a more "humanitarian" concept in medical care - - for both human and veterinary medicine.

There is a topic on this website that gives instructions on uploading pictures. If you haven't already read it, you may want to do so and hopefully it will give you the help you need to upload a picture(s) of your beloved Mira. If you continue to have problems, please do not hesistate to e-mail the L S Administrator for help. He is always graciously willing to offer assistance.

Augustus, once again thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Mira with us. I know all too well from first hand experience what you are going through, and please let me try to reassure you once again that you are among friends here who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Augustus, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Mira's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Noooooooooo!!!!! This site is killing me. I just poured my heart out for an hour writing and I tried to upload a smaller pic and I got distracted and now it's all goneeeeeeeeee.... Omg. I was thanking you all and saying so much!

Hi Augustus,

I just thought I would add my condolences. I would never wish the pain felt during the loss of a pet on even my worst enemy. I'm so glad you shared your story about Mira. I do hope you are able to figure out the issues with the site because I would love to see a photo of your beloved.

Give yourself space and time to feel and grieve as you need - not as anyone else thinks or says is appropriate. It's been 5 weeks since I lost my pug winnie in my arms, where she took her last breath, and it's still heart wrenching. That being said, nothing compares to the first few days of wrapping my head around what happened and if there was ANYTHING else I could have done. Know that so much of that is grief speaking and working its way through you - you did everything in your power to help your Mira and she knows this.

I too have continued to struggle with the idea that I've lost all the opportunities I had planned for my pug girl and our family. It's so insanely difficult to accept that all the things I had pictured us doing together were suddenly stolen from me.

I still don't have the strength to put away her toys, her bed or even her water bowl. It reminds me that while she is not physically here with me, her spirit is at my side.

Sending you love and my heartfelt sympathies. Know that we are all here for you anytime you need to share what you're feeling.

Thank you soooooo much. My words will be short at this moment but my heart is so grateful for you. Thank you so much. I wish you knew how each and every word helps.
Will this pain lesson just a bit? Please tell me!!!!

I am gonna pray for your Winnie. I truly am sorry you lost your angel and I know I'm not of much help at the moment but if I can do anything with words or companionship let me know. Mira has a picture as my profile pic. Thanks again.
So sorry for your loss.

Augustus

Hi, Augustus, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a universal question: "Will this pain lesson just a bit?" The answer is basically yes - - eventually the deep grief does ease. However, this happens in a very individual way, because each person grieves in their own way and in their own time. Right now the physical loss of your beloved Mira is very new, so it's going to take time for the deep searing pain to begin to ease. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It isn't a straight line from "A" to "Z" but rather is a journey that is filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds that can literally make us feel like we are going insane with grief. Individually we could find ourselves totally broken trying to cope with the overwhelming burden of our deepest sorrow. Together we can find hope, comfort, encouragement, and support knowing we are not alone but are among friends who truly understand what we are going through.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Augustus, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Mira's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hello A,

I'm glad you are trying to help others. It is cathartic for me. I saw the pic of Mira. What a beautiful girl with matching spirit! Thank you for sharing. On your note to Erin, to be sure she gets your response, reply to her post.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace in your journey to healing.

I am trying to quickly respond to people to convey my deep gratitude but my ability to write is at times fleeting. Please, for the time being, don't judge my lack of words as a poor attempt or lack of gratitude because quite frankly, I hate to keep saying "gratitude" consider what I feel for you all is kindred and I am so blessed to have the support. I will write more soon. Thanks sooooo much!!!!

please do not feel any pressure on this forum. there are no obligations, no timelines whatsoever. if you don't respond or "disappear into a void" for whatever time, you will still be in our thoughts and prayers. we understand. do whatever your heart, mind and soul need to ease the burdens of the grief journey.

Thanks!!! This site has been a Godsend! Plenty more soon! Xoxoxo

Hey gang! I'm still struggling for oxygen. I just don't ###ing know. I'm a prisoner of my own sadness. I'm totally against pills but my doctor had to give me 50 MG Doxapin because I'm just not sleeping. This is too freakin heavy!

A,

Your loss is so very recent. How well I remember what that feels like, having gone through it in July and again early August. Loss is a frequent occurrence in my world and some hit me extremely hard. At this early stage, fighting through the most intense of the pain sometimes comes down to making it through the next few minutes. It helps me a lot to read. My post by Christine Kane has always been very helpful. I research at length and have found all kind of literature, from poems, to personal experiences, to therapies.

I sought out my friend, who is a Reiki healer and empathic, and her insight into MacKenzie and animals in general was a major turning point for me. This is detailed in my post.

Hoping for some peace to head your way.

I was thinking this morning, How exactly does one go about getting through the searing pain of losing a beloved companion, esp. under circumstances that do not fall under the category "it's time, still painful"? I termed MacKenzie's loss as emotionally violent. Other losses have left me completely devastated, not knowing how to catch my next breath. Silent screams, chambers full.

My recovery process is as intense and dedicated as the pain I feel from the loss. That is how I got through the worst of losing MacKenzie. This process has evolved as I have suffered loss. My travels down many paths to find healing, meaning, give me ways to go on. One of the things I had to resolve as quickly as possible was the overwhelming guilt and blame I felt for having put her through a surgery I was convinced at the time would save her life. Instead it claimed her life. I finally recognized several things. First and foremost, MacKenzie is no longer suffering. She had been ill off and on for about a year and a half. Her malfunctioning gall bladder was wrecking her quality of life. Interventive and supportive therapies were no longer effective. Had she not had the surgery, I would have watched her waste away further, each day a painful journey of watching and trying to get her to eat, take her meds, fearing I'd find her dead. The surgery effectively ended that cycle. She wanted to die at home; she waited for me to pick her up from the vet and then slipped away to God's care shortly after getting home. I found out through her necropsy that she had congenital heart issues. Heart failure ultimately claimed her life. Had she not had surgery, she would have died fairly soon, I estimate. I would not have had a necropsy done (as this was truly an exception for this time) and would have forever beat myself up for not having had the surgery done. I was basically screwed no matter what path I choose, and at the time, with all the information I had available, surgery was the best option. Secondly, I gleaned valuable insight into animal psyche, how they manage life, what their bodies mean to them. It will help me greatly as I try to help and care for the rest of my aging household, what to do, what not from a medical standpoint. This eased many burdens I had been carrying. Thirdly, I learned a tremendous amount about death. It helped with MacKenzie and all those I have lost before her, and those who will follow. These burdens have now been eased as well.

The regret I am still processing is seeing her beautiful body, mostly shaved from surgery, a huge incision on her belly, her neck shaved and feeding tube coming out the back. That is a haunting I will carry with me for a long time. I try not to think of it and now mostly see her as she was in the picture I posted here, sitting in a cloud somewhere in the distance, surroundings grayed out. Finding that visual was also a conscientious effort- force the bad visual away, replace with a picture of when MacKenzie was happy and healthy. Further positive visuals came through my Reiki friend. She helped me see that MacKenzie is OK, she is with me, and she will come back when the time is right in my life to receive her. So, her love is with me now and will return in some physical form later on. Still the way she looked at the end is still painful, but I'm working on a conscious level to replace the bad with the good. Baby steps. Some progress is better than none...

So, all this to tell you to face and embrace the worst part of losing your beloved Mira with the same intensity as the pain you feel from losing her.

I think to that fateful night and how every fiber of your mind and being screamed to fix this grievous error! After all, in your mind, it was clearly not her time. You guys had plans laid out for the future! Somewhere in that screaming nightmare, there are blessings and silver linings. You will find them in time. I see the fact that angels along the way got you and Mira back together. You were there holding her when she passed. She felt your love, your heartbeat. It was a moment of grace for both of you. Somewhere in the grand ordnance of things, her life on earth was scribed to be brief. You were placed on an intersecting path with her to show her that life on earth can be beautiful and filled with love and kindness. So many animals never experience this. I rescued a tiny kitten, Bailey. Long story. His entire family was already in heaven and we continued to fight the good fight. We were together 24 hours a day. We shared so many beautiful loving moments. And then God called him home to be with his family. He died crying on my chest, mewing pitifully. Another silent scream. But he traveled to heaven on angels wings while feeling my love and my heartbeat. I only had him for 5 days. I did not know how to take my next breath when he died. I could not close the little box I had prepared for him to bury him. He was laying there so peacefully, as if just asleep. God had erased all of his pain as he traveled to his next dimension. After agony that seemed to last a lifetime, I realized that God had placed him in my care to help him transition back to his family and for him to know love and kindness on earth.

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts, Augusts. Mira looks like a beautiful girl!!! Know that her spirit is still right beside you.

As Monique said, do not feel any obligation on this forum. We all know that the pain can be debilitating and often hinders us from doing the things we easily do. We are hear to listen, so please don't feel bad about responding quickly enough or even at all. Sometimes all I can do is read a thoughtful response because I don't have the strength to reply back. Everyone here understands.

I know it helps from time to time just to process my thoughts here by writing a post or a memory about my loss. Simply writing and acknowledging your grief can be cathartic. I hope you find a way to take care of yourself, Mira would have wanted you to be okay <3