Li Po And Me, Pronounced Lee Po Options

[Tess]

Hi everyone,

Since I could walk. I have preferred animals to humans.
And as long I have lived on this planet, given the nature of the homo sapiens I have observed and lived with, this preference has only intensified.

So here I am now having to say goodbye to my best friend and in some ways, by my standards my only friend.
I live in a remote area in the midst of cultures which I cannot call like-minded. I foolishly left my home in Colorado to try something new 20 yrs ago and now am stuck in this place I don’t like much due to finances and health concerns.
I have been in chronic pain for 18 long years and have become a recluse due to this illness and also due to issues mentioned above.

My greatly diminished life became more bearable when I got my little buddy. Li Po. I didn’t know he was congenitally blind in one eye until he had an accident involving another dog and lost the sight in his good eye.
So here we are, the two of us, joined at the hip and joined in every other way, heart and soul.

Maybe it’s not a wise thing, to put so much love and life into just one other being. I have other animals so it’s not exactly that but given our mutual handicaps, we have bonded so tightly we can read each others’ thoughts.

About 9 mo. ago he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. We have kept him in the best health we could with medications, diet and exercise but now he is going down hill .
It’s a horrible sound, that coughing that this illness causes and he is not getting much relief at this point. Had to bring him in to the vet yesterday to ask what to expect now in these last days.

Up until a few days ago, his spirits were good but now I can see that he is sometimes faltering.
His tail goes down and he’s starting to wonder...
As long as he was happy I was good with it but now, I don’t want his last days to be bad ones.
So I’m carefully watching for clues about when ....

I know that I am not alone here wondering what in the world I will do without him.
I can’t even imagine it.
I’m scared because there’s not much else around that I cherish.
I love everything about him, Just having his softness and doggy smells around me at night when I wake up is such a privilege.
Being able to care for him at all has been a privilege.

Here is this furry being who’s only desire is to be with me and I have to let him go.
I keep telling him that we will always be together but I don’t really believe it myself because I don’t believe in much myself. I don’t necessarily believe Li Po is going to be with angels. I would like to believe that. It would be comforting. Of course I don’t NOT believe it either. I just don’t know.
I do know that he will be in my heart always.

Once someone asked me, “What do you really know?””
The only thing I could come up with is that I surely know is how much I love my animals.

As I said, I’m scared to be without him because it is such an unknown. I don’t trust myself not to fall apart.
I have studied Buddhism and I can self-talk myself into a certain philosophical detachment but my connection with hum is so visceral, that seems to transcend any self talk I can manage.

I just needed to come here and tell you guys how scared I feel.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, please permit me to offer you my sincerest support and encouragement as you and your precious Li Po endure your Anticipatory Grief journey. It is a very painful journey all unto itself because you still have the blessing of your precious Li Po's sweet physical body with you as you witness his steady medical decline knowing there is only one thing left for you -- as his human caregiver - - to do - - which is the hardest and most unselfish act of love you can give to him - - to release him from his failing, fragile physical body so that he can be restored to his former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are going through is very normal Anticipatory Grief as you share with us: "As I said, I’m scared to be without him because it is such an unknown. I don’t trust myself not to fall apart." Tess, it's very okay to "fall apart" - - it's very okay to be "scared to be without him." Your life was changed for the better when your precious Li Po joined you in your heart and home, and your life is changing now - - and will be changed again - - when your precious Li Po is no longer physically with you. It is a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically - - as we share our precious companions transition journey from their earthly physical life that results in our having to find a "new normal" that no longer includes the daily routines of their care and company.

The good news is that, despite the pain of the deep sorrow when you and your precious Li Po will be physically separated, the love bond you and your precious Li Po share is eternal - - although the adjustment will be excruciatingly difficult when you will no longer be able to hold him in your arms.

Tess, please know you and your precious Li Po are not alone in your Anticipatory Grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And please let me try to reassure you that losing the physical presence of a precious companion can sorely test the faith even of those who normally profess a steadfast religious belief. There are no judgments made here, Tess. One of the many goals of the grief adjustment journey is to find a peace in your heart - - in your own way and in your own time - - that your Li Po's sweet Living Spirit is free of pain and suffering and is at peace in your enduring and eternal love.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Li Po with us, Tess. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your precious Li Po are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

Aw..Moon Beam, that is the sweetest message I've ever received. I will print it and put it in my journal so I can read it every day and know you are there rooting for us.

More words fail me right now but I will get a photo of him up soon.

Thanks you so much for responding with such kind words and thank you so much for inviting me to share this very difficult journey here with you and everyone here who is going through or has been through this same journey.

I will sleep easier tonight.
Big hug.

(edited because I am not in my right mind !)

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I hope today is treating you and your precious Li Po kindly. Please know the both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

Hi Moon Beam, everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long to come back. After his turn for the worse, LiPo kinda got stabilized again.

Let's see if this works...



Ok. Here is a photo of the little guy. Yes, blind dogs can swim. He followed me in there. I know he looks worried but he became quite a swimming champ.

So, he was doing a little better and I think I went into mini or semi denial. You can't deny his wheezing and coughing everyday but denial that something was imminent. I was giving myself a break from grief in a way.

Thanks for explaining the Anticipatory Grief thing. I didn't know there was a name for it.
Is it anyone's experience that having had Anticipatory Grief then, part of it's over or is it just double grief instead?

[CritzyJ]

Hi Tess,

About anticipatory grief... My kitties, Joe and Steve, who passed on the same day a few months ago, both had terminal illnesses and I spent months caring for them and worrying over them. Did this anticipation of their death make it easier? Yes and no. When the day came for the "big decision" I was certain it was the right thing. It was the right day. I had no regrets. I was proud of myself for making the decision and getting through it. There was no shock of an unexpected passing. What I found, though, was that the absence of them just slammed me. It didn't make losing them any easier. It just made that last day easier. I was happy that they were not suffering. I knew what I had done was the kindest last gift I could give them, but it was still overwhelming. The first month was the most difficult for me. I cried a lot, felt like I was moving in slow motion, didn't know how I was ever going to feel happy again.

I promise you this, when the time comes for your little one to leave you, it will be hard, but you will get through it. As the weeks pass, the pain eases a bit. It was 3 months ago today that my boys left me and while I still feel sad and still cry sometimes, I have found a way to move forward, adjust to life without them in my house, to be grateful for the years I had with them, and to really feel their closeness to me in my heart.

This forum is a great place to hang out as you go through this journey. The people hear are understanding and so supportive. I'm not sure what I would have done without it.

I hope your Li Po is doing well this evening and I hope you both have a peaceful night.

CritzyJ

[Gretta's Mom]

Good Morning Tess

What a beautiful picture of a beautiful dog. You are in exactly the right place here on LS. Every one of us has known the love of a special animal - I call them a soul-mate because that's what they are - we are two parts of a single soul. And when they go back to the Perfect World from which they came, they take a piece of our soul with them and leave a part of thei soul for us to hold - until we are reunited in that Perfect World - forever.

You have received a comforting and insightful message from MoonBeam, sort of the :mother" of all of us - especially the newcomers. She has a deep and correct understanding of everything having to do with human-animal love and the inevitable separation when their shorter-than-ours earthly lives end and they go back home.

From the name of your baby and its spelling, and your saying you were far away in a remote area among an un-like-minded culture, I wondered if you were in China or somewhere nearby. In a Chinese-derived minority language and culture that I know well, your baby's name, Lee Pao (spelled Lis Pov in this langauge), the "Lee" part is the name of one of the two most powerful "clans in this ethnic group, and the "Pao" or "Po" part is the first name of its most powerful General. That is one powerful name for such a small dog and i think it speaks to the power of his spirit and of your two-in-one-soul relationship to him, since when you saw him, you gave him this name.

MoonBeam is right about anticipatory grief and Critzy is also right in that it does make "the day" and "the decision" easier, since you have a sense of reality about what is happening and what you, as the supreme gift of love, have to do, but the emptiness and hollowness and sadness of the loss are a different matter, although even those are tempered by knowing you loved your soul mate enough to take on pain so that he could be pain-free.

Please stay here and let us take on a little of your grief. This is the best-managed and most sharing and caring site on the internet. We're a band of brothers and sisters who have all had the life-changing experience of sharing an earthly life with a soul-mate and then having to face his or her going home. Alone, we melt away from sadness, but together we hold each other up and each take on a little of the other's burden and we all survive and eventually thrive.

Little Li Po, I love you. Thank you for finding your soul-mate and sharing an incredible life with her. Only your body will dissappear, your powerful spirit will continue to be with her forever, wherever each of you lives.

Stay strong, Li Po's mom, we're here for you.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, thank you so much for sharing with us how your precious Li Po and you are doing. Just as with humans who lose their sense of sight or hearing, the other senses take over for our precious companions so that they can continue to thrive in their environment with the loving care of their human caregivers. It is a joy to share your precious Li Po enjoying himself swimming.

CritzyJ and Gretta's Mom have offered you great comforting words about the difference between Anticipatory Grief and the grief journey we experience when our precious companions transition home to the angels. Neither journeys are easy by any stretch of the imagination, but they are journeys you will travel with the comfort, support, encouragement, and hope from each of us here.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Li Po kindly, Tess. Please know the both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

Critzy - thank you! That is extremely helpful and I want to think about what you said for a while. Wow, though, to hear it like that from someone who's been through it..I can't thank you enough.

Gretta's Mom - Thanks for that info about the Chinese culture. I named him after a Chinese poet who is famous for poems about drinking, among other things. Legend has it that he died when he fell out of a boat while trying to kiss the reflection of the moon in the water.

Moon Beam - I think you must be from the dog planet, Sirius? because you are certainly some being from above here to comfort us poor humans with our attachments to the innocent ones we love so much.

I am so grateful to know you all are here.
This place actually gives me hope about the human race. I have become quite a misanthrope in my old age.
Who knows? I may have to correct my impression.

Right now we're doing ok and we are resting easy.

Blessings on you all.

[Gretta's Mom]

Good morning Tess

Don't worry about being a misanthrope - I think most of us here are - some more, some less. Isn't Moonbeam awesome!! And she welcomes and support EVERYONE! Sometimes i think if it weren't for her, I'd be curled up in a ball under a blanket weeping for my two beautiful labs.

I know they have returned to the Perfect World from which they came. As Moonbeam often says, we humans live in a sensory world. What we can see, hear, touch, taste - and smell! - we call real. What we can't, we call not real or non-existence. This is SO not true! Every being has a spirit, a non-physical spirit, that always was and always will be. I know my Gretta and Rufus's spirits are with me, sometimes hovering around me, sometimes further away. (And since they're spirits, they can be in two places at once - why not!) They continue to watch out for me, guide my steps, step into my path when I need a live-pillow to cry on, and most of all share our love, exactly - well, not exactly - those darn senses again - but our spirits are inserarably intertwined and THAT cannot be separated.

Little Li Po will be there for you, just like that. Oh, your physical senses will long for him. Your physical arms will seem SO empty with no one to hold. But little Li Po WILL be there, surrying around your feet, giving you kisses, and sending you love rays. I have a very very ill sister so sometimes I organize "prayer-hums" for her - asking my Gretta and Rufus to round up all their animal friends and relatives and hum a prayer to the Divine Spirit. My Gretta - the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived - is on post at the gate to the Perfect World to welcome newcomers and returnees. She knows to watch for little Li Po and organize a prayer hum for you.

I'm not a kook or a New Ager - just someone who has come to these beliefs through the love of two wonderful dogs.

Please have the day meant for you today, Tess, and thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, thank you so much for sharing with us how your precious Li Po and you are doing. As a very senior citizen, and looking back over my evolution from my youthful years, I have come to believe that - - as we get older - - I think we become more in tune with the whole universe - - instead of being entirely focused on our individual immediate "worlds" for survival. In any event, it is my sincerest hope that whatever I have learned, and continue to learn, along my earthly journey will be able to comfort and encourage others as they travel their journeys.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Li Po kindly, Tess. Please know the both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

I wish I didn't this problem with Faith but I do.

Once a guy grabbed my sleeve in a store. He said this "Oh my God who are you? I'm a psychic and you are a very advanced soul but you don't want it. I said, "Ok if that's true what should I do?" He said "Receive"

So I thought about that. I am Buddhist by nature and sort of by religion and I thought that yes, my antennas are in now. I have Fibrommyalgia and if anyone thinks that just aches and pains think again. I can't afford to have my anttennas out. And no I don't want it, whatever it is. Critz, I can't think you're a kook. It feels like I been there and done that and now I'm so tired. Is this making any sense to you?

I'm agnostic about after life. I want to believe, lol. (Hi Mulder.)

Po is wheezing and coughing a lot and it's oh so hard to hear. He's getting a little worse and it shows up after activity and at night. Aye. I watch him in his dog world and he is not aware most of the time that he is sick. He's in the present, just coughing and no emotion or apprehension about it.

Other dogs I have had and have would seriously know something's up. He doesn't. He's getting very spoiled and very demanding because I cater to his every everything now. I'm creating a monster. I treat my dogs in a very free way and only say no when I have to. Let them figure it out themselves.

People have attitudes about spoiling dogs. I think that we are lucky that we are able to make them happy. It so easy. In the human realm, ha ha ha good luck.

Anyway. Just some random thoughts.

Hope you all have a peaceful day.
Love,
Tess

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious Li Po are doing. Fibromyalgia is a very debilitating illness - - and I am so sorry you are having the effects of this illness to deal with - - in addition to seeing your precious Li Po with health challenges. It is good to share your observations that he is holding his own and is still able to enjoy a good quality of life. I know from first hand experience with my precious companions that you being able to see your precious Li Po still being able to enjoy himself also helps you. He is very blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

Tess, each of us have our individual beliefs about the after life, and even for those who have a strong faith there are questions and doubts that can haunt their soul particularly when it comes to the reality of adjusting their lives without the physical presence of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Please know there are no judgments made here. I hope you are not, and will not be, offended by whatever I share with you.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Li Po kindly, Tess. Please know the both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

Life goes on with the adjustments around the sick dog and the sick me.

Time passes and we don't notice either ourselves or our beloveds slipping into to more weakness and being able to do less.
Then you have these little wake up calls.

Last night, I woke up and Po who always sleeps right next to me stirs. I hear him wheezing and it sounds like he was starting to cough.
So he starts to cough and it turns into this horrible shrieking, screaming. I know it didn't last long. Of course I don't know what happened but that screaming was so intense I thought my heart was going to stop. I couldn't catch my breath.
I was screaming for my husband to come in but of course no one knew what to do.

LiPo was so scared himself that he let loose and peed my brand new mattress.
I am going after it with baking soda. Any other clues on getting dog pee out of a foam mattress would be appreciated.

I hope you all are well. Okay with where you are and taking good comfort in your best buddies.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, thank you so much for sharing with us how your precious Li Po and you are doing. I'm so sorry that your preciuos Li Po had a stressful episode last night. There are several products on the market for removing urine stains and odors from cloth and foam - - but may take some "trial and error" to get the results you are wanting. Your best bet is to do an internet search. In the meantime you may want to consider putting a plastic protective layer between the mattress and your sheets and blankets. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Li Po kindly, Tess. Please know the both of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[EmmasMom]

Hi Tess, I'm scared too but I know that my love for my Emma will always continue even though she left me a couple of months ago. I, too, prefer dogs to people and don't know how I will survive tomorrow. But every day comes and I make it every day. You will too. This is the most difficult of times right now for you. Not so much for Li Po believe it or not. Your loved one is going through a normal part of life, much as we dislike having it happen to those we love. You are there for him. That's all he needs -- you can't control the rest, but you may feel like you should be able to. Li Po isn't having to deal with that.

Hang in there and know you are not alone and never will be....you will always have your love for Li Po and you will always have the rest of us here, love, Karen

[Tess]

Hi moon and hi Karen and everyone.
Again I want to thank you for being here.

As fate would have it, today we said goodbye to this dog. Our beloved Josie.
She was 18 yrs. old. She was not having a good time anymore. Too much arthritic pain, bowel problems, terrible mental confusion, blind, going deaf and so very sad and scared about not being able to do her jobs. My DH and I are not good at knowing the right time. We cling to each day and each success. But she as clearly getting sadder and sadder and more confused. We couldn't watch her suffer another day.




I feel like I don't know how to be here, if you know what I mean. I don't feel human enough to participate, just report.
I just can't bear what I'm feeling right now. I don't even want to try to describe it. I can't stand anything.
But I know you all DO know how much it hurts the heart to lose these precious friends.

I realize I've been clinging on to any sweetness that I have in my life and maybe we let Josie suffer too long. Then I will do the same with Li Po. I just want to do the right thing by them.

[Tess]

And moon, of course you couldn't offend me. I respect the beliefs of others and am open to everything, except, and it's a big except those who judge and condemn and who believe only they are right.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Tess, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Josie. Losing the physical presence of both Li Po and Josie in such a short period of time intensifies the grief journey. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal when you share with us: "I feel like I don't know how to be here, if you know what I mean. I don't feel human enough to participate, just report. I just can't bear what I'm feeling right now. I don't even want to try to describe it. I can't stand anything." Right now it is important that you focus on what YOU need, and each of us are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Josie and Li Po with us, Tess. You are their heir to their eternal love, and we are honored to share your love for them. I hope you feel the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits close to you in your heart and your memories - - for they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Tess, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Tess]

You are their heir to their eternal love.

This is wonderful moonbeam, thanks.
I'll try thinking about myself in that way.

Doing ok, last night I found my self feeding two dogs instead of three. That packed a wallop.

I have Josie's bowl and the last stick we played with plus her hair in a nice little box on the mantel.
I lit a candle for her.

I tried talking to her but I can't feel her presence.