Why Is This So Hard?

hello everyone and thank you for understanding my need to be away for a few days. just when i thought my depression was letting up it hit me right in the face again. i needed to come back and talk, i know it will make me feel better. i was doing so well. i could talk about kitty all i wanted and i would remember all the great moments that we had together and then i started having dreams. i had 2 dreams that kitty came back from the grave and one that i failed to feed her and she starved to death. as i mentioned before, when i buried kitty i felt as if she wasn't dead, although i witnessed the plunger being pushed on the syringe at the vet. i know that she was so sick and i took away her pain by making that difficult decision and i thought i was ok with it but now i am hurting so much. i miss her so much - i miss holding her and petting her and her sweet meow. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can still feel her in my arms. now when i think about her, i think about her lifeless body on the examining table at the vet or i see her when she was sick and couldn't eat or even walk. i don't want to remember my sweet kitty that way - i want to remember her before she lost all of the weight - when she was fat and playing with the water in the bathroom sink. i love her so much - i want her back. ah

Thanks To All

hello everyone, i just wanted to say thank you for helping me through this sad time. one week ago yesterday my kitty left me and i'm finding it hard to write here and read others' stories. when i feel stronger i will return - thank you so much for all of your support, you've been great. ah

Will It Ever Get Better?

hello everyone, i'm new here. i'm not sure how this works but i just need some way to vent and this looks like a good place. last night was the worst night of my life. i had to have my cat put to sleep and i'm having a very difficult time now. i'm 24 years old and have had my cat, kitty, since i was 10. i don't hardly have a memory without her. she was a hadicapped cat with a crippled right front paw, she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease on christmas eve. she deteriorated so quickly. she weighed 12 pounds when she was healthy, she dwindled to 4 pounds and couldn't even walk this week. i made the decision on wednesday to have her put to sleep at the end of the week. thursday was hard to get through and i started to reconsider my decision. i took her to the vet thursday night to make sure that there was absolutely nothing else that i could do to make her better - they confirmed my worst fear. i took the day off work yesterday to be with her. she had no energy at all. i have come to realize that i have made the best decision by putting her to rest, now i'm having a really hard time knowing that the things that i have come to expect, like kitty not letting me sleep in on saturday mornings because she wants to play, won't come any longer. i woke up this morning looking for her. she would always sleep laying on my legs. there is a huge void in my life now. kitty has seen me through so much. she was there when i graduated high school and college, she came with me when i moved away from my mom and the 2 other times that i moved. this is so hard and i don't see it getting any better. fortunately, i have never lost someone close to me, so this is my first experience with that and it hurts so much. thanks so much for listening. ah