I called my boss and actually resigned. I can't take it anymore. My soul has been ripped from me (again). My heart has been shattered (again). My world has been turned upside down (again). And, all that matters in this world is going to work, putting on a happy face and paying my bills.

I can't do it anymore. People can call me lazy, I don't care. I really do not care about anything any more.

I'm already on Effexor and Welbutrin for anxiety and depression. Then I take Ambien at night because I can't turn off my brain to go to sleep. Last night I ended up staying up until 2:00 AM and drinking a bottle of wine because I could not face going to bed, knowing I was going to have to wake up and face going to work.

My baby DIED Saturday morning. I cannot go on like nothing's WRONG. I don't know how to face the world anymore and I do not have the energy or the desire to do so.

Yes - I WANT TO DIE. The only thing I want is to be reunited with my babies. And, I don't even have faith for that anymore. I want there to be NOTHING. Because the only thing I get HERE is grief and pain.

I can't say that I know how you feel and things will get better. I can say that I suffer from anxiety and depression as well and take Paxil to try to control the anxiety, which I'm sure I need to increase or add something else to it, and I have to take Xanax every night or I can't go to sleep.

I can identify with the going to work situation, I have thought so seriously about resigning the last few months, I don't know why I haven't. I like you, put on my happy face, go to work and pay the bills. The same thing everyday and I feel like because I suffer from depression, it makes it so much worse. Maybe I haven't found the right medication yet.

I have a 10 year old Doberman (Cadence) who was diagnosed with bone cancer (synovial carsoma) and it is killing me inside and it is intensifying my anxiety and depression to the point of being unbearable. I am trying to stay focused on being happy and spending time with her now. I told myself that I never want to go through this again by never getting another animal. I then thought of all the dogs in animal shelters who would love to have a home and that down the road, after I recover from my loss, I would go get one. Where we live they do put dogs down, and if I can make another dog happy for many years, I have done something good. I know the hurt that comes from losing your pet, but I also know the joy that they bring into your lives.

I know Cadence wouldn't want me to suffer from her passing on; I have given her a good home and a lot of love. When she was 6 years old she was diagnosed with Wobbler's for which she had to have surgery and she has done great since then.

I know that you have suffered a traumatic loss and I don't know of anything that I could say to make you feel better. You have to allow yourself to grieve; I honestly do understand the love that you have for your baby. My husband worked out of town for years and Cadence slept with me everynight all snuggled up against me. I have treated her like my own child, so I know the bond and love for your pet. I am now going through not knowing what to do as far as treatment; how much do I put her through trying to save her to spare my own pain?

I know that you are hurt and traumatized right now; and I know what the depression and anxiety can do to you, just allow yourself to feel your feelings. Scream, yell, throw things, do whatever you have to do. I have been through many traumatizing things in my life which has caused me to have PTSD. I lost a grandchild at 3 1/2 months old who lived with me and I just lost it.

It takes time to heal and right now you have just experienced a huge loss that there are no words to express how you feel and when Cadence goes I don't know how I will handle it; I am trying to prepare and come to terms with it, but I don't know if there is a way. When that day comes , I don't know what I will do.

I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for your hurt and suffering. I wish there was something that I could do or say to make you feel better. I know it is probably of no comfort to you now, but I really do believe that our pets go on to a better place and are very happy and would not want us to suffer from our loss. It doesn't make it any easier when we lose them, but I do believe that with all my heart.

I wish you the best, and would love to hear from you. Please take care of yourself.

Becky

oh Jan,

I so know that feeling. I often still have it. Even the Saturday morning part fits with losing Alley. I get so angry when people are worrying about petty things. My baby is gone, dont they know these things don't matter???

I wish I had some words to comfort you jan, just know that in time, things will get... not easier, but different.

big hugs for you honey.


Paula

Dear ((((((((Jan))))))))

I remember you, from 2004. You and I both joined Lightning-Strike after losing our kids early that year.

I am very, very sorry about that passing of your baby on Saturday. Truly, I am -- very much so. I do know how you feel, with depression, sadness & not wanting to go on anymore.
But, PLEASE.........know that WE CARE!!!
We care ABOUT YOU!

Whatever you have to say, whatever you have to get off your chest, please say it here! We will always be here for you!

I have read, and re-read your most recent post here, and.......there have surely been times in my life when I have felt EXACTLY as you wrote. I SINCERELY understand everything you have written -- I honestly understand how you feel.

I have been on Effexor & Paxil for several years now. And, yes, there have been times when I had too much alcohol, "to get rid of the pain", but....alcohol really wasn't the answer.
Alcohol is a depressant, and all it did for me was make me more depressed. I thought it was helping, but it never ever did.

Jan , please stay here with us on LS, and let the words flow from your heart about your recent loss. I'm assuming that you have a doctor/therapist who you talk to?? If you do, would you please call them and let them know of your most recent loss, AND also, please let them know how you are feeling.
You can even read to them the post that you wrote here.

Please send me a PM, and we can "talk", if you'd like. As I've said, I honestly understand how you are feeling.

Our sweet girl, Ms. Lucy has been ill over the past two weeks, and I haven't really had the strength to do anything but care for her and our other furcat, Mr. Yoster. I have been anxious, scared, depressed & sad, and am doing all that I can to help her conditions. Thank you dear God, she seems to be turning the corner.... slowly but surely.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jan. I remembered your name from way back when, and I looked back at some of your posts.
You were always one to really help people who came here needing help after their furkids had gone to the Bridge. I remember you had helped so many people.

Please, above anything else, please try and help yourself. As much as you can. I KNOW that with your recent loss, sometimes it's hard to put one foot in front of the other, it's hard to take a shower, it's hard to lift a finger to type.

Please, come back here and talk to us, okay?? I care & I know that everyone else here at LS does, too.

God Bless You & yours!

Peace, Love & Hugs,
Denise

Dear Jan,
I wished I could have died when my Furry died on 23.7.2006. If there had been an easy, & guaranteed successful way of going then, I would have taken it. But there wasn't, so I carry on, even though I still contemplate it at least once a week. I think you will probably do the same as me. How about getting off the medication? I don't believe that they can be really helping you. Part of our loving so intensely is this pain, & now I accept it will always be with me, & I would hate not to grieve for Furry.
As I don't have a faith, then Furry only lives on in my constant thoughts of her, her being alive in my memory, if I wasn't here she would be forgotten.
Judith

Dear Jan,

No, you are not "lazy". You are grieving!... and in the depths of despair because of it. Grief takes an enormous amount of energy ~ physical, emotional and spiritual energy, and there can be many periods during it where we simply DO feel that we "can't take it anymore!" Since you also had another loss not too long ago, you're in what I like to call 'grief overload'. I understand that as I've been through that, too, as have a number of people here and as will many more in the future. It's a very scary time, when we feel there's absolutely no way out of these intense, unrelenting feelings and so we can't afford to care about ANYTHING, or anyone. And people trying to reassure you that 'this, too, will pass' often doesn't help a whit....because we're REALLY in the depths of despair and feeling utterly hopeless about everything.

How do I know? Because I've been there, too, and on more than one occasion. I seem to have a predisposition to depression (I believe that was one of my Mother's problems, too, tho I can't prove it, so may in part be a genetic predisposition), but have never treated it, or masked it (depending on your point of view) with drugs, so have gone through its terrible manifestations naturally, with natural aids from nature, not the pharmacy. Each to his own. But I know how debilitating it is. The two things I seem to have learned from it is that one needs extra help when feeling lower than low and that WE are the only ones, ultimately, who have to take a step, any step, to eventually rise above it....and that it's not a clean and neat, linear line, steadily going upwards, to get out of it.....much like the grief itself. It's a terrible roller-coaster. BUT, once we do take a step, we usually find at least some kind of....I don't want to say "relief", but at least a questioning of whether we truly are doomed to feel like this forevermore. And that is what propels one to keep trying something, anything to help us with the pain.

However, this isn't very easily accomplished at the beginning during the most acute phases of grief. Sometimes we just need that breaking down time. BUT, reaching out, especially during this acute phase, to a qualified therapist who we're comfortable with is also one of the best and kindest things we can do for ourselves....even when we don't even care about ourselves. A good therapist can help us believe there's hope for ourselves, somehow, some way. So I would encourage you to see someone qualified to do grief counselling, specifically. They should also be experienced with dealing with depression, as they are different, even though they often overlap and feed off of each other.

Denise is correct. Alcohol is a depressant, so really should be avoided, at least in larger amounts.....and particularly if you're taking drugs at the same time! If you feel like you might be doing this to yourself on purpose, I would strongly suggest you find a competent therapist quickly. The same applies if you don't just "want to die" but are actually planning ways you might make that happen. I often, often feel like dying rather than stay in this world a minute longer...but stop short (at least so far) of toying with doing the deed myself, other that maybe willing it to happen 'on its own'.

I truly do hear you, though, as I've felt the same myself. Sometimes even thinking that it would be preferable to have a complete ending to consciousness, rather than ANY more angst about ANYTHING, including whatever happens in the spirit world. And yet, at small moments, I've also had tiny bits of hope that maybe things don't need to feel this dreadful, this hopeless. So far, that's been enough of an incentive to keep me going....until the next crash....which then also shifts a bit....up and down, and so on and so on. But I am still here, still struggling, but still here. And of course we all want YOU to be, too! That is what we've all been born to do, including our kidlets ~ love each other and help each other, even if it's only in small ways. And so we will be here for YOU, for you clearly need someone to listen and offer what they can.

Me, I'm here right now to empathize, listen, try to offer suggestions born of my own experiences and to honour my kidlets' lives and teachings by doing so. Expressing what you need to express is a good step in the right direction. It often helps more than you think it ever will and there will always be someone to listen to even the most intense feelings of despair, anger, frustration, hopelessness, or whatever! I know this world is too often too much to take, but I also look to those who've risen far above their despair, hoping to yet become as wise and accomplished as they are. They are MY hope. Let them, and us, be yours.

P.S. Please tell your doctor about how you're feeling, as very often those kinds of drugs can actually make people more suicidal than they were when they began them, so part of this may even be because of them. This has been docu*mented, even by the drug co.'s themselves, so I'm NOT making this up.

Jan,

I remember how kind you were in responding to one of my posts. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and feelings right now. It's so hard to lose someone that important to you. And, on top of it, having general society not acknowledge it...

I think everyone here DOES UNDERSTAND your feelings and the loss you have suffered in your life. You certainly aren't alone. I know it doesn't bring your baby back, but use us as a support system. Those that say "get over it" obviously have never suffered such a loss and are too be ignored.But, "getting through it" is possible. I am not there myself, so let's all depend on each other to do it.

Please consider a therapist to help you through this.....and please keep us updated. I only have written a few times, but several people here seem to realy care.

Hugs, Misty's Mama

Jan

I wish I had words that would make you feel better, but I plain don't. So much loss, with Phoenix, Molly and Pepper since 2004. Nothing will fix this. I know you know it gets some better with time, but nothing fixes it. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. Your babies souls are part of the universe now, and their love makes the universe better, more loving, but I know you want them in your arms.

10 years ago my best friend and kittycat, Butch died. I came so very close to following him. All I can say about that is that I'm glad I didn't. If that helps you or not I don't know. I'm glad I had the 10 years of joy of two new kittens. Even though we lost our Moustache kitty three months ago, I'm so happy I had the joy of him. We love them so much, and in the end the saddness is small and the joy is huge.

I think it's okay you resigned, I think whatever helps is just fine. I understand where you are. Why doesn't the world stop, just for a minute, when something so close to us is gone? There should be something, but there just isn't. Isn't it a nightmare we can wake up from? I see so many people here are feeling much like you. All I can really say is that we are here for you and we do understand. Not much I know. I'm so damn sorry.

Thinking of you and Pepper

Jan,

There aren't any words that will magically make things better. I wish there were. I lost my heart in 2003 when my Snoops died and I wanted to go with him. At the time I couldn't imagine a life without him but I'm still here with two new little furbutts.

I really wish society would recognize your loss and give you the time you need to grieve ... unfortunately most don't understand. Just please remember that as bad as you are feeling now it really isn't the end of the world and things will get better. Yes, they will never be the same and if you are like me you will always miss your little one but time will help to heal some of the pain and time will help you to learn to live without your little one. I believe that all of our little guys are waiting for us ... I have to believe this because the idea of never seeing them again is too awful to comtemplate.

Please know that we are here for you ... feel free to say whatever you need to say ... noone here is going to judge you or "yell" at you ... we have all been there.

Until then, I'm sending you cyber hugs and cyber shoulder to lean on ... you are not alone.

Hugs,
Beth

Jan,

I truly hate that you are having such a rough time grieving. If there was anything I could do to make you instantly feel better I would do it. Life can sometimes be so hard and the twists and turns can lead to occasional extreme pain. You shouldn't be expected to act 'normally' when going through this and your coworkers should have enough sense to realize that.

Regain your balance and sense of calm so you can function in the work world again. Talk to someone. Many here, including me, are more than willing to listen. Take advantage of friends and professional assistance to help regain your life balance so you can enjoy the world again.

Take care and feel better,
Ken Albin

the pain you relay is so deep, so raw. it shows how deeply you loved. what barbaro's owner said is true....the price of love is grief. i am so sorry. 1 minute at a time, 1 hour at a time, 1 day at a time for now....