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1000 Oceans of Tears
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1000 Oceans of Tears

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10 Jan 2011
Hi,

I am brand new here and crying a 1000 oceans of tears over losing my little baby girl elderly kitty, Fuzzy, who died in my arms on Thursday morning Jan 6 at 7:15am, and whom I special-needs-cared-for for over 10 years. I'll post some photos of her soon. We believe she was about 15 or maybe 18. From day 1, she had a bad tongue so couldn't eat well nor groom, so had to buy special foods, bathe her weekly, clean gunkies from her nails, brush her, surgery on her tongue to at least stop the footlong drool (her tongue, the vet believes, was lacerated badly prolly trying to eat out of jagged tuna cans in the trash), etc. She was the sweetest, most loving, special, purring-all-the-time little baby you could ever meet. My baby. I don't have children so she was really a baby to me. When I found her, she was abandoned on the streets and in such BAD shape. Matted on her entire body, she smelled REALLY badly, drool to the ground, emaciated you could see her ribs, and big GIANT fleas feasting on her tiny 6-7 pound body including BIG fleas crawling around her mouth and nose, YUCK. I HAD to help her. She became my whole life, my entire routine was for her - getting up so extra early to do the special "milkshakes" for food and pills etc, coming home early for same and the subQ fluids, special beds, baths, etc. etc. etc.

I am beyond devastated. Entirely. I don't know how I'll ever, ever, ever get over this crushing pain and debilitating sadness that is raw and to the core like an exposed nerve in a blazing inferno or tornado wind. I had thought she might die a few times before and managed to save her. Seizures twice in my arms back in '05 and '06, bad heart murmur after that, and then in June of 09 I moved across the country to southern CA for a new job and new life. The first few days here I saw her eye get a funny color, but it cleared up and we thought it was just a broken capillary from the cabin pressure in the long flight. Then, two months later, in August '09, she collapsed. I rushed her to the vet ER and they thought she had a stroke and might die. Next day the specialists and cardiologist said not so, it was a manifestation of extremely high blood pressure plus poor kidney values. I was shocked as her blood work was perfect in May, right before we flew here. We prayed the kidney values were only bad from a possible UTI which it turned out she did have, too.

However, once that cleared up, her kidney values remained bad. This was devastating news to me. It was CRF - chronic renal failure. Also, the untreated high BP had caused her retinas to detach and she was going blind. So for the next year and a half it was all kinds of vet visits, tests, several pills (three pills, twice a day) that I had to "make" by cutting them into tiny pieces and putting them in a gel capsule then wrapped in chicken skins (as she was too smart to take them any other way and would clench or fight me - I didn't want to give her high blood pressure just giving her the blood pressure pills!). This was after stressing her out a lot and trying a lot of things, and foods she used to love she refused to eat for weeks if she "found" a bad tasting pill hidden. Plus other things didn't work since her tongue, although sewn back together, didn't work correctly so pill pockets and most shapes would just fall back out of her mouth. Her CRF, it seemed, was stabilizing and the blood pressure pills plus heart pills seemed to help her murmur and BP for a while, but then she started having BP and kidney and heart issues again. We increased the meds last Spring and began her on Subcutaneous (Sub-Q) fluids once a day, 50ml. Also, in spring, we found a bloody lump on her shoulder and had to remove it by local anasthesia as she was too delicate (only 5 pounds by now) and sickly for general. They biopsied it and it was cancerous.

Well, it recently came back too, right before Xmas. She was due for a checkup before Xmas but I then got very very sick and couldn't bear to take her for her checkup just yet. Then my 85 y.o. mom and dad (who live in my home - I am their fulltime caregiver, too, when at home from my own job) both got so sick too. Then we had days of rains and horrific ant infestatations. I could'l leave some of her favorite treats out for her on my bed where I used to overnight as the ants would come in and all over my bed, so she probably got more hungry while I slept. Then she started to eat less, then started to miss her box more and more, plus going more blind. I am STILL sick and only now have a lesser cough, but over last weekend she showed more signs of decline so I had planned to take her to her vet last week. But, I had to ask for some time off at work to do so. I called in sick on Monday to be with her and observe, and Tuesday went to work but told my boss she was sick (and my Dad was still sick too) and that I may need to take some time off to care for them both. He said fine.

I tried to get her appt on Tuesday but had some work meetings, so I told my boss I had to take some time off on Wednesday and for the rest of the week and all of next week. I have never taken one minute of vacation time as I'm new on teh job, but have taken a lot of sick days. I knew either she'd need a lot of in home care, or might be nearing her end. He let me leave early on Wednesday. I called her vet who didn't have an appt available but on the phone, the vet really thought it was symptoms of another UTI and if she did not eat or drink, take her right in. But she did eat and drink that day, albeit not much. Then when I gave her her subQ fluids, she panted and panted on and off rest of night, but at times seemed OK and purred as we tried to sleep. Her vet didn't have an appt available on Thursday but still said if she ate/drank, no need to rush her in. We had an appt for 9am on Friday. Fuzzy seemed to breathe a bit funny that night, and I somehow managed to sleep a bit, hoping we could both sleep a bit late and get some rest. Then I woke up at 5am (my normal work awake time) but she was panting. I was going to rush her in but now feared she was too weak and could die in the vet's office. I pilled her at 5:30am and then she appeared to breath more normally. I had calls in to the vets who opened at 7am for advice, but I thought she was resting again by 6am looked like she was just tired. All morning I was patting her gently, kissing her over and over and over and telling her how much I loved her over and over and over.

Then "suddenly" at 7am, she got very restless, couldn't get comfortable. Went from one bed to the next and couldnt lay still. Went to her water, but didn't drink. Gave up adn went back to her bed on my bed but peed on my bed before she made it to her heated bed. Then at 7:13 or so she got very restless again, and tried to hide under a table in a corner or to go to another room. I brought her back to the bed and she began to really gasp for breath with her mouth open and toungue out, and as my mom tried to get her another bed in case it was more comforatble for her, she flopped towards me and collapsed, gasping, and flopped once more, gasping again, while I SCREAMED for my MOM who came running into the room. She had just died in my arms then and there at 7:15am. I was alone with her. I am HAUNTED too with the image of her last horrific gasps for breath and flopping over. I will never get rid of this terrifying image in my memory. I AM SOOOOOOO SAAAAAAD and am in shock still. I hugged her and kissed her for two more hours before I could summon the courage to take her into the vet's to prepare for cremation. There, i also hugged/kissed her more for another hour but her legs were getting stiff.

I LOVED HER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER EVER IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD. And I am 48 years old. Seen death before, but never someone this CLOSE to me like my very own child where I really DO feel like I GAVE BIRTH TO HER. I went into grief counselling immediately, The pain is crushing like a steamroller, the grief deeper than the ocean, adn my tears will fill 1000 oceans. How can I cope? I cannot even go into my bedroom to sleep anymore, and hate going in there to get clothes etc. I have not slept without her for over 10 years. I have to sleep in another room. My bedroom was Fuzzy's and mine - every corner is filled with her memories - her heated bed in one, her food/water/supplies in another, her subQ station and towels/cloths/etc at another, and her two litter boxes and papers (where she'd miss onto) in another. I cannot bear to put her things away. I'm glad this forum is here as it helps to know I can "talk" here and people will understand my baby's special needs, my horrific grief, and sorrow, and my deeper than anyone can imagine LOVE for this little baby of mine. God bless you Fuzzy. My only true love EVER. I MISS YOU!!! sad.gif (((((((((

Now I have such emptiness. So many hours each day for loving care for her are now just empty. I do have another cat but she is more my Mom's and is NOT a cuddle-bug, hates being held, and will hiss/growl/smack/bite if try to hold her for over 2 minutes. Fuzzy purred as SOON as you touched her, and purred ALL the time, LOUDLY and lovingly. I miss her SOOOO MUCH. I cry and cry and CRY and CRY and CRY... It helps to read everyone's posts and I'm new so will take some time to catch up on everyone's story. SHE DIED. MY HEART DIED WITH HER.

~1000 Oceans of Tears
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