Afraid To Love Again, Lost childhood pet/recently adopted two kittens Options

[Ashley85]

I lost my childhood cat at 18 last year. I barely knew what life what like before him. Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I thought if I could survive that, I could survive anything.

So, 8 months after losing my beloved furbaby - I adopted two kittens. I expected this to be such a happy time. Granted it's only been two weeks, but the fear of losing them is overwhelming. After knowing how hard it is... giving your heart away again is scary. Also, doing all of the things for them that I did for my cat who passed away, just remind me more and more of him.

The relationship I had with my cat was unlike anything else... we grew up together, I called him my kitty soulmate. I know there will never be another him... and I will never feel the way I felt about him for any other. It's hard, just so hard. How do I let go and just enjoy the moment? I'm an anxious person already, and this has been hard to deal with.

I feel like maybe I didn't fully allow myself to grieve the loss, because initially I was so thankful he was no longer in any pain. But the past few days have been brutal... so depressed, anxious, and just crying... I feel so awful for feeling this way, because these kittens deserve the best, my best. And I feel so down that I'm afraid I can't give them what they need. I even considered giving them back or rehoming them tonight. But I feel like I would feel this way even without them... maybe they just triggered something deep inside I was trying to keep locked up...

Any advice/support is welcomed.

[Ashley85]

Thank you for your responses, they do help.

I think aside from missing my cat Biff... which is so difficult. I think I feel guilty for not instantly loving these kittens the way I instantly fell I love with Biff. Maybe because he was my first... or maybe just because of the connection we had. I know I'll grow to love these kittens, I already am... but I fear never in the way that I loved Biff. We are soulmates. I feel it isn't fair to them. But I can't help it. :/

Thank you all again for your responses. I appreciate it.