I feel that I've been followed by a black cloud for sometime. If anyone here has followed my story, I've lost 3 young cats the last 3 years (one murdered), and a dog, had some near death health issues, financial crises with the building of a new house (my H and I's "dream home") and just one thing after another.

Rosie is my husband's 17 year old border collie and she has been failing for some time. H has made an appointment to euthanize Monday morning. She has lost bladder and bowel control, she falls and can't get up and we've found her laying in her own diarrhea a few times. She had some quality of life when she went on walks on our property but she fell down on the hill the other day and got stuck - when I found her she was quite distressed. We've found her fallen down the steps as well. She just shivers now on the walks and I know she has no quality of life.

If that were not painful enough, during my first ever counselling session with H on Tuesday, H announced to me that he was splitting. He and my stepdaughter found a place the next day and they are moving stuff now. This comes as a total shock. I knew when I grieved Ziggy he was not able to handle that. What I realize is that he married me 2 years after his wife of 23 years died, and he had not dealt with the grief. I know it sounds like a soap opera, honestly I don't believe my life over the last 3 years since I met him.

To me this says that we must truly and honestly face our grief and not bury it. Otherwise we live on the "surface". If we disconnect to our feelings we can do a lot of damage to ourselves and others (H had told me of marrying me that he was "never so sure of anything his whole life").

You cannot run away from grief. It will follow you. Trust me I have learned this the very hard way.

Anyway, please do think of Rosie Monday morning and send your healing thoughts for a gentle and loving transition. I will not be there for the euthanasia because she was H's dog, and given the current situation it would just make the whole thing worse.

I do not know how to survive all this except just to breathe and live only in this moment. I do have good friends but I am still in shock.

Jan.

Oh my God Jan............I am so sorry to hear that you are being forced to face even more tragedy than you already have in such a short amount of time. Sometimes when so many things happen so quickly in a marriage that are hard to deal with, one spouse or the other or both have a hard time dealing with the sadness and stress that goes along with it. I don't know how long you've been married, but it may be beneficial to both of you to continue the counseling even if the end result is splitting up. When so much has happened to both of you, often times it piles on top of the love that started your relationship in the beginning. I'm not a marriage counselor, but I can tell you my husband and I have weathered many storms over the 35 years we have been married. Some of those storms have been tumultuous at best. Many years ago we wound up in marriage counseling after a very stressful time in our lives. Struggling through the counseling brought us back in touch with each other and it was the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves. It was well worth the work each of us put into it.

It saddens me to hear that Rosie's health is failing. No doubt it has affected your husband deeply as well as you. You can count on me to think of Rosie, as well as you and your husband on Monday. I can't imagine the grief and anxiety you are feeling right now as you anticipate Monday's arrival in letting go of sweet Rosie. May God send you both comfort and strength during this ever so sad time.

Much love and hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Beth

Thanks so much for your kind words of support. I agree about trying to work things out during tough times, but there are no ands ifs or buts with H. He wants out, absolutely no doubt about it. I booked the counselling session (and had wanted to earlier) with much hope that things could be worked out. He made it clear that he had no interest in doing that and said that he married me too soon after his wife's death. We got married July 1, 2006 and met in Sept. 05, so we weren't together that long. For me it was a forever choice, but I think H buried his grief about his wife dying and it's now come up again especially with Ziggy dying, Rosie failing and problems between me and my stepdaughter. I think his heart will always be with her and he knows that now - well unless he goes through the kind of grieving we are all doing here, which I am now *totally* convinced is necessary to be able to really move on in life.

I am glad in a way that I won't be there for the euthanasia. I would never allow a dog of mine to face that without me, but Rosie was in H's life for 17 years, and was very bonded with him so I know she will have the comfort she needs. Still all of it's a lot to take. I know that Rosie will be there with all of her previous dog companions and with her "mom", H's wife before me. I feel very reassured that she will be fine once she has made that transition. It's in a way more painful to see her without mobility, shaky and upset because I'm sure she knows what's going on in the house and the stress involved. She barks for about an hour every night. Sometimes you just can't do anything for her.

I think I will continue counselling myself though, because for survival purposes, I truly need it.

Jan.

Jan--For the first time ever on this forum I am speechless----------absolutley speechless--My God I am so sorry----------Bubba...........

Dear ((((((((Jan))))))))

I am so very, very sorry to hear of all you are going through right now...........my heart aches for you. Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and in my prayers.

As well, I am truly sorry to hear of sweet Rosie's failing health.

It does sound like the quality of her life is failing, and the decision that you have all made is the most loving one for Rosie . I am happy that your H will be with her as she goes from this life to the next. She will ALWAYS live on in your hearts.....of that I am very sure.

Sending you much love, comfort and prayers,

God Bless you,

Denise

Same here. I....looked in prior to shutting down, and.......
It makes the way I handled my loss just look ...trivial...if you know what I mean...

Jan, Sending you lots of prayers for this rough time in your life. Sounds like H wasn't really ready to remarry after all. I'm sure he does love you, and just lost his way for now. We can't force someone to be with us if they don't want to. Maybe in time, when all the greif has subsided you will find your way back into eachothers hearts. Your thoughts and comfort here have been so helpful to so many and I'm sure I speak for a lot of us, that happiness finds its way to you. It breaks my heart to hear of such a great person going thru such a tough time right now. Things will get better, they have to, be strong, we're all pulling for you.
Also sending prayers to Rosie, and hoping our angels will guide her safely to the Rainbow Bridge. Hugs..Ann

((((jan))))))There is so much truth in this from your opening post :

You are among the victims of buried grief and it is a painful example of how toxic it is for us to not allow the tears to fall. Whether male or female, young or old, we must live our pain as we live our joy: crying is just one of the methods our body uses to get rid of toxins and harmful materials, especially tears that are the direct result of an emotional influence, they release more toxins out of your body apparently. Suppressing our emotions can send you into a depression. When we have some emotions inside of us that need to come out, crying is one of the healthiest ways to get it out, it lifts your mood by releasing endorphins which are hormones that act as both mood elevators and pain killers. That’s why you feel much better after crying. Crying is an act of courage because it allows us to come face to face with what it is exactly that grieves us. We can not escape grief. And needing to cry comes you can't run away from it, it is so harmful to try and stop it from happening. Buried grief has proven toxic in your relationship, poor you, when you entered it you could not have had any idea, no more than I did before grief and buried grief brought me here to this site. It is exactly as you say, it really does seem you walked under a dark cloud and it was a horrible storm, I would say you have taken the worst of it, it's time for you to get away from under that cloud and seek the sun. Into each life rain must fall, and we have to accept that. I see that you do, I admire this very much. but I think what has happened to you and all the grief that was part of it is ending, look for the sun, get out and know that love is never wasted and always returned, somehow your love will find a new nest and things will be better. Takecare, courage, may life wrap you in love and beauty.

Thank you Bubba for caring. Your words bring tears because I guess I feel that my grief about has made me "unloved".

Jan.

Denise - thank you so much. I feel so bad for her because she is a sensitive dog and I'm sure as well as her physical pain she feels the stress of what's going on. When I sit with her or take her out for a walk, she just shakes.

It will be so strange after Monday morning. We had a student staying with us who is leaving this morning, and H and his daughter are busy moving all their stuff. After Monday I will be alone in our "dream" home turned nightmare. Ironically the home is way too big for just me and the original home would have suited me just fine.

So I will feel losses on so many levels, still missing Zita and Ziggy, Rosie's spot will be empty as well as all the rooms in the house where my "family" stayed.

I have good friends but I keep waking up at night in disbelief. This house is on a farm and I don't know that I can maintain it by myself. It's also still not finished.

I don't know if I can take any more - and lucky me, I'm getting a business audit on Thursday on top of everything.

I guess when everything is stripped down to nothing, you decide what life really means.

Jan.

Thanks for checking in Jon - the support is appreciated.

Jan.

Ann, thank you. He had talked about splitting up in Sept. and I didn't accept it and couldn't really believe it. He is so cold-hearted about all of it. There are no ifs ands or buts. I hear no compassion in his voice and see no empathy in his face. He wrote an email to someone that I received back that said "It's just one of those things. No point carrying on when it really didn't work for me." I had no idea he loved me so little. It's just so strange realizing someone is just putting on a happy face, all the while building up anger and resentment.

Rosie is 17 years old and she was a big part of his life with his wife who died. I think H has been running from the feelings of grief and still is. He said that his unhappiness was from the house, and from me.

I feel betrayed. I do hope there is some path to happiness as it seems like life has been a war zone for me. I have felt so much pain for so long that I've begun to have dreams about having seizures and cancer. I'm sure on a cellular level my body is telling me that my pain is harming me.

I will try to get to a counselling session this week. I've never really gone to counselling before but if there was a time for it in my life, it is now.

Jan.

Toonie - your words are so beautiful and wise. I like the idea that love is never wasted, and that it could find a new nest. I feel so alienated and alone right now that I will have to have some hope like this to survive.

thank you so much for your support

Jan.

Now the next day when the shock has dulled, after reading your post last night, the only positive thing I can think to say is that at least with your next animal friend, you will again experience unconditional love, honesty, sincerity, loyalty, and devotion.

It is a sad commentary that it is about the only time we really experience it, outside of fiction and delusion, isn't it?

These stories leave me with a feeling of contempt for men, and disgust with humanity.

This happened to the girl next door: Lavish wedding, picturebook honeymoon.
2 years Later, "*shrug* I dunno. I thought about it, and just don't like being married."

WTF???? (Excuse me, but...Deathless prose just does not capture the essence.)

Jan--Selfish,immature(to have gotten married knowing it probably would be short term even if it IS on the rebound),ego(can still meet women and get them to commit to marriage.Proved I am stll a man so now I can move on). PLUS,another furbaby to lose!!!!!!!!In short;me me me me not us.He is NOT a real man but rather a life support system for a PENIS!!!!!!!!!!
As a man this type of childish behavior PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!........Just keep posting Jan and I am sure you buddies here will get you through this.
Your forum pal...............Bubba..................

Haha Bubba - that made me laugh, and that's a very GOOD thing right now! Thanks so much for getting pissed off for me! That's what friends are for. I am very grateful to have such good friends during hard times.



Jan.

I figured a chuckle might be needed at this point-----hang in there as best you can-----Bubba..............

Sorry that I missed responding to your post earlier.

I still have 3 dogs and am looking after (for now) H's or should I say ex-H's German Shepherd for the moment.

Yeah, WTF is right! My H barely said a word except to agree with me or try to do as I asked most times. I realize now that he wasn't expressing his real truth. He wasn't honest to me, and maybe not to himself either.

I can have compassion for grieving someone that you were with 23 years, and gosh I could have given him plenty of room to do that within the relationship and with my support, but I think you can only use that sort of a thing as an excuse for so long. Grief is a reality in life if you love and lose someone, and if you continue loving afterwards that can be such a wonderful way to share and support each other. Turning away from someone - well I'm not sure what that means other than H couldn't handle feeling those feelings. He said things like I was always "falling apart" and that he "couldn't go down that road". Instead of cuddling with me when I was in pain over Ziggy, he turned away and didn't want to be near me.

This morning Rosie was supposed to be euthanized at 9:45, but the vet was delayed. I'm not sure what time she was euthanized, but I heard a bark from the upstairs living room that sounded like her at 10:50 this morning. I wonder if she was saying goodbye...

Jan.

Rosie has gone to the light.

I thought I heard her barking at 10:50 am in the upstairs living room. I think she was telling me she'd passed as I'd asked her today for a sign from her in the spirit world. H and his daughter arrived to bury her on our property at 11:30 am after returning from the vet's.

She looked so sad over the last week or two, and has not wagged her tail much for a very long time.
Now she is with her mom, H's wife, and with Ziggy, Zita, Merlin, Tiffany and all H's previous passed dogs.

Finally she will get to romp and play with all her buddies, and her mom will be so glad to see her....

Looking at her picture..all I could think of...is.. she is a beautiful girl.

I think 17 years is so extra ordinary....my dogs never made it that long.

It is so very sad to see them go but we can be grateful there is no more suffering. When the quality of life is gone.....the joy of living is also.

I send a special hug to Rosie...maybe she has met my very first dog of my own years ago, a collie who looked just like Lassie. I know they have a beautiful temperament.

Somewhere I remember hearing we are not given in life more than we can bear...but when so much happens all at the same time, it seems, it makes me wonder how that can be true.

Sorry about everything...all the losses...it can just be too overwhelming at times.

We just try our best to deal with it all and hope we find new strength for the future..having survived such a hardship past.

Take care,
Judy